There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Also having fish and chips for dinner

Viroids! I am too scared to go on AIBU. So I come here to ask all ye wise ones instead. deep breath DH and I live in a house and have 2 lodgers who are friends from uni, which is nice and pays our mortgage. (Probably going to kick them out if I get upduffed with a sticky one at some point.) We also have a spare bedroom which is handy because my parents live about 3 hours away and come to stay about once every couple of months. Plus friends can come and stay over.

About a month ago or maybe 6 weeks my MIL, who lives locally, rocked up upset from her mum's (she had been living there because her house is basically uninhabitable and she doesn't want to live there alone. But there is clearly a little bit of friction because who wants their grown up daughter moving back in??). So apparently DH said "oh yes you can stay with us". I was on nights at this point so not sure if he said something like "stay with us for ever and ever" or "stay with us for a little while until you get something sorted out". In any case it's now more than a month later and she is still here. WHAT.

WHAT do I do viroids?

My DM thinks that this is a ridiculous and unreasonable situation (my Dparents are visiting currently and I have had to put them in the lounge because spare room is not free). My DH doesn't seem to mind either way but I think he feels it's his duty to look after his DM and he can't tell her to do one. The lodgers seem OK with it. I should add that she is a lovely lovely person, thinks the world of me and DH, is very easy to be around, does all the washing up, etc etc. she does let her adorbs but stinky dog sleep on her bed though (our dog sleeps downstairs).

I am rather concerned at the lack of long-term plan though. Her house is basically never going to be habitable and she won't live there by herself. She seems in no rush to go back to her DM's.... Was going to wait it out for a few more weeks and see what happened. But just worried that if I say something I will be the villain in the piece for not being a nice supportive DIL and letting her stay with us for two years without a murmur. But seriously WHAT.

Any ideas for how to handle this situation very welcome! God I need a gin

sorry for the essay! cathartic though

Thank you for all the positive thoughts viroids. I really do appreciate them. It's unlikely I'm gonna be pg, but all these signs are hopefully pointing towards my body doing something for itself... Go ovaries! Go hormones! Go ovaries! Go hormones!

Welcome fart

I would love fish and chips for dinner! Better not though. Scales on Tuesday would not be my friend...

Instead I shall have chicken pizziola (sp?) and new pots and a side salad.

Feeling quite hungry now... May go make it...

DH is currently wiped out. He had dental surgery this afternoon that he had to be knocked out for, so is still recovering from his sedated state. So far he has asked me the same few questions over and over... Something tells me no jizz tonight!

corgi have you spoken to DH about it? How would he take to an adult discussion over it (hopefully with neither side demanding they are right iyswim?) I totally see that he kinda sees it as his duty to look after his DM. If it was my DM in trouble I would of course give her our spare bedroom. Though I would then want to support her getting back on her feet. Can you talk to DH about being supportive to get her back to being independent? What is wrong with her house for her to not want to live there alone? Is it her house or a rented place?

oooh ain sending happy fertilising thoughts to your ovaries!

re MIL: it is her house but it is essentially a shed, she bought it a few years ago and has been doing it up ever since, but things keep going wrong with it (it's off grid, so has solar panels and generator and lots of things that can break expensively)... it's insanely cold in winter, and also it is in the middle of nowhere and she gets really anxious about being by herself. So to live there she would need either a boyfriend (she is currently single) or lodger I guess.

I think I will have a chat with DH (he is a lovely and reasonable DH I must say) after the weekend when my DParents have gone so he doesn't think they've put me up to it. Will prob just say I'm not sure how long I can cope with this, can we not do something to help her have her own place. Not entirely sure what as I don't know if she would sell the cottage or not....

thanks for letting me rant chat about it on here, think just helps to get outside points of view :)

Thanks corgi !

If MIL house is in a place that she wasn't comfortable living in why did she buy it? Could she sell it for a decent price (in relation to what she paid) and buy a different place? If the current renovation is not doing her any good mentally and making her anxious maybe its not the best project for her?

ain you are very right. Think she got carried away with idea of living the Good Life and being all off-grid etc. I think we will start to try and persuade her to sell it and find herself somewhere she can actually live...

Corgi...just read through and I agree with the current thinking. If this house is making her unhappy and is fundamentally unsuitable to her it would be best to sell up and get something else.

Maybe she can get a nice compromise where there's a decent size garden for 'good life' type stuff and she could put up solar panels but without being so isolated and off grid/needing so much work!

Corgi what a tricky situation, I have to agree with ain and stumbly that if there's no way she can be helped to live in the cottage then I think a discussion with your DH about how you could support her in finding somewhere else is the way to go.

Hi to fart - missed saying hello earlier, I hope your stay here isn't long.

Just I blatantly will poas in the morning. I am off to a baby shower in the afternoon though so maybe I'd be happier living in blissful ignorance for that. I'll decide in the morning.

corgi definitely talk to dh, I love my MIL but I wouldn't want her to live with us. Definitely think selling would be a good option. You're not being a bad dil at all, you're supporting her to be independent

It does sound picturesque, this cottage. Or at least having the potential to be picturesque. But if it's actually meaning it's impacting MIL health and taking away some of her independence I would say that it needs to definitely be thought about. For everyones sanity.

BTW - this sensitive nips thing - is this a common monthly problem for some? Having not had a genuine cycle for years I have no idea. They are sensitive, and I am very aware of where they are right now (I can't say it's normally something that is drawn to my attention). Not hurting... just sensitive... If this is a 'normal' monthly thing I'll know to keep an eye out for it in future. How long should it last for?

ain sensitive nips and boobs were my only real post ice symptom. I got them without fail every month after icing. They were fecking agony some months, but in the few weeks after getting my bfp they were torture.

Thanks jelly - so possibly another sign I did actually ice?

Sorry - I know I've been posting about this a lot lately, but if it's true and I did ice this is the first time in 18 months... Possibly years, who knows and I'm overly excited that my body may be beginning to behave itself.

And the small amounts of ewcm today are nothing right???

Ah welcome to skittletits ain, mine are fucking painful every month. I hate it

Thank you just !

cats hoping all is well gx for you
corgi the answer is simple all you have to do is get preggers and move your lodgers in to cottage with mil for company!
Welcome frat
Would love to be housewife and have a 'lady what lunches library's unfortunately I have a packed lunch wage so no such luck so am finally allowed to go back to work following much begging Monday am excited and dreading it in equal measures as have been off for over two months now and my ward has subsequently shut down whilst I've been off sick so going back to completely different setting least I know some of the staff so that's a bonus!

• fart damn auto correction!

Grr and lifestyle not library wtf!

Corgi Cori's suggestion ^^ sounds like the perfect solution all round

Cats hope you're hanging in there

JustI used to volunteer with ChildLine, absolutely loved it, but so difficult at times. If giving up work was every an option highly unlikely I'd want to get back into doing that 1-2 a week.

So the strange pelvic pain has gone. Now I'm just really bloated & have sore nipples (Ain I get these almost every month now since coming off the pill ), sure signs that the witch will be on her way soon. And I think I'm coming down with a rotten cold

Thanks Angela if the witch is on the way I'll be very happy with that! They aren't as sensitive today I don't think, but still a bit.
Sorry to hear about your pains.

I've just realised I've posted an awful lot this weekend. sorry viroids! I've clearly been using mn as a distraction technique instead of doing the things I'm supposed to be doing -like planning for my observation tomorrow that I get anxious over just thinking about...-

Oops.. strike through fail.

I have never been so pleased for some to have skittletits used to get them every month after icing. My only consistent symptom!

Angel is right corgi, coribeth's idea sounds perfect.

I'm with you with the horrid cold, we are like a plague house here. I'm surprised we're even dressed!

I'm hanging on in there by not poas this morning! I had a teeny bit of spotting but as far as I am concerned I am upduffed today and will test again tomorrow when I can speak to the Dr. Off in a minute to a baby shower which I am actually quite looming forward to there will be lots of cake