There's Chickens up Trees and BOGOF Deals from the Stork! We're Seeking out the Magic Potion whilst avoiding the Rogue Penis - Don't Flash your Cat, it's JS 57!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a Kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a <strong>hooya</strong> = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into TTC obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 56 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2507776-We-are-all-a-bit-bonkers-worshipping-the-travelling-womble-conker-we-rub-the-grads-bumps-for-luck-and-shag-without-scientific-schmuck-Most-of-the-time-Its-Just-Shagging-56?msgid=58470102#58470102" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2533203-Celebrating-Christmas-with-the-arrival-of-BabyBloom-and-XmasPud-were-testing-our-pelvic-floors-through-the-festive-season-mince-pie-tasting-and-turkey-stuffing-nudge-nudge-its-the-JS-Grads-43" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2541376-Our-babies-are-teething-screaming-and-generally-not-sleeping-but-were-still-JS-ing-its-Just-Mumming-10?watched=1" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-website-s-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit?pli=1#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Recent research PROVING WE ARE RIGHT is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2015-10/iu-iss100515.php" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Corgi, you've got to get her out! My in laws are lovely but a month is the most I can let them stay before I start freaking about not having my own space such an only child but seriously how is this a workable long term situation? Surely DH should see this? I admit I am a weirdo introvert, I would be fuming if this was me.

Soooo I spoke too soon re AF being normal. It finished, then re started as heavy red bleeding with clots. What the fook is going on with my fanjo? Kinda freaked out now.

Sending to your fanjo canters

ain I'm being observed this week too....I'm feeling rather stressed about it! What are you doing?

Well done cats got my gx for a good line tomorrow.

zyla in case you're interested here are my opks from cd9 to today cd13. I have a fairly strong line on them in build up too so we must both be producing lots of lh!

Positive today, really got no energy to shag and dp is ill. I might have to chance it and wait til tomorrow but I'll kick myself if I do. Not entirely sure I have the required seduction skills to get dp in mood!

by the way ain we are all fucking delighted with your body behaving so post away!

haha cori genius! Had better crack on with the getting preggers then hope work is OK and you feel better!
canters cats just stumbly ain glad you see my side of it, not sure how long I will be able to cope and I'd hate to bottle it all up and have it explode out badly! Will keep you posted on developments.
ain I too am very excited at your ovaries behaving, keep us updated!
NFMC (chin): massive, massive chin spot brewing. v painful as right on jaw bone. ouch! usually harbinger of AF, though I did have a chin spot the cycle I got upduffed so trying not to be despondent. Cd28 and usually 32 d cycles, going crazy not POAS'ing! cats I wish I had your restraint!

get that cape on just! do your JS'ing duty!

Oh god, do I have to?

cori missed your message about going back. You take it easy now. You've been off for a while now so make sure you don't make yourself ill again. Is the new ward in same hospital?

Guys, I need some calming words. Decided bleed today was so weird that despite AF I poas. There is a second line. It's faint as hell but its there, confirmed by DH. Now I have had a full on 6 day bleed, so nothing can have survived it, but I'll do another in the morning to double check. Chemical pregnant? Faulty test?

Oh and I've has loads of booze this weekend thinking I was safe as on AF!

Help.

Obvs that was meant to say chemical pregnancy. Sigh.

Oh shit canters that sounds very much like the chemical I had a couple of months ago, you have my sympathy. Definitely speak to your Dr, mine said chemical pregnancies are very early miscarriages and there aren't false positives. She also gave me a check over and tested for urine infection or infection in my fanjo/cervix. It may be worth waiting a few days and testing again to see if the line gets fainter/doesn't appear or maybe even gets bolder

If my line is fainter tomorrow morning I'm pretty sure this is a chemical too. I think I will ask the Dr to do blood tests if it does come unstuck again.

Oh canters I didn't do any calming words! It is still possible that you could be upduffed so don't lose all hope. But I totally understand your confusion.

Allow yourself some r&r this evening and take it easy

canters you poor darling. It is still possible it's not a chemical, I know lots of grads (5hell especially?) had lots of scary bleeding and it worked out ok.
Don't stress about the booze, it's too early for it to affect anything.
I would go to the doctor if I were you if test is still positive tomorrow. My cousin had the same and the nhs were fab, got her in for blood tests 2 days apart to check hcg.
We are here for you whatever happens. Sending lots of positive vibes and hugs

My cousin did stay pregnant by the way. They said it was a threatened miscarriage I think. He's now 2!

Basically don't lose all hope.

Here to support whatever happens

cats if it does I would ask for progesterone checking. Obv this one is sticking around so no need. Hugs for you too

Have lots of catching up to do! In the meantime can anyone tell me what NFMV stand for?

Thanks just that's really helpful!

canters hang in there! Please go and see Dr and see if they can shed light on what is going one.

Canters I had a full on AF with my last pregnancy. Kept going for 12 weeks on and off as well. Might not be over...

Kwick - News from my vagina.

Good luck returning Cori and for observations Ain and Just.

I've had a very productive weekend, throwing out two years' worth of medical journals that are of very little interest to me now. I ripped out the interesting articles and they half fill a lever arch file. I now have space in my wardrobe!

I have corrupted my 10 year old nephew. Last week I told him about "lady garden". Yesterday I also told him about vajayjay, fanjo and foof! We howled with laughter... it was so good to have a "I cannot breathe" laugh... felt like ages since that has happened... it really has been a shitty old time - what with fifth attempt at IUI ending in failure, spending my life savings on IVF, getting a 3.5k tax bill, crap crap time at work, feeling like shit with neverending cold and cough and having an erupting and sore volcano on my boobage.

Thanks chat - quite appropriate given my last post!

Lots of to cats and canters....gx that all is well X

Kwick...sounds like you're in need of too.....what industry/area do you work in?

I have just started getting some brown spotting which is usually a sign that AF is on her way so looks like the next few days will mark the end of cycle one for me. We'll be doing a LOT more DTD next cycle though so gx for that.

I also don't know what NFMV means???

Oh...just saw the answer to NFMV!

A huge thank you to all you lovely viroids putting up with my craziness!!!

canters I have nothing to add to what has already been paid my lovely, but hope you are taking the r+r advice this morning. I'll definitely be keeping my gx and my toes, and everything else! cats I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you too!

And of course positive thoughts for Kwick !

Maybe we all need some positive vibes right now.