Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Yay! I'm on the stats sheet :) My location is missing though... I'm in London!

As well as Womble conkers for the spiders, I think we should all join fruit and buy some cucumbers to stroke.

If AF does not arrive by tomorrow morning, I will be officially late. Bring on the pads or pee sticks!

i feel excited and nervous for you lil so goodness knows how you're feeling...how are you distracting yourself?

you lot are well overdue a bumper crop of bfps, i dont think the grads stats list has anyone on it due after beginning of april! and i know there's a few hesitant jsers who are pg but not joining us offended, but totally understand as i was sooo afraid of the jinx

hi newbies! :)

Ah yeah sorry black I think chat is a but higher up the queue than you. In fact with what you've been through chat I think you may have queue hopping rights on me and tink. Totally not letting you queue hop now though!

Thanks 5hell. I'm working mostly but have to confess I'm very distracted. Not good when I have deadlines for next week! Seeing some friends tonight too who know about the ivf so that will be good. How far are you now?

black you can take my spot in the queue this month, I'm out. No shagging as waiting for lap, fighting with Dh (that's dickhead, not darling husband ) and having major gut issues caused by the evil that is metformin. So since you asked you can go first this month lil and chat are also at the top of the queue, I think closely followed by ain you all need to remember your tickets!

Since I've just discovered the bastard has eaten my snickers I'm adopting your version of 'd'h tink!

LTB lil

That should say "but" you all need to remember your tickets!

I have high hopes for just and keep this month btw. I used to do a good line in predicting bfps when I first joined the Fred's. Not tried it for a while due to a few massive fails but I can't help but think it's about your turn just. Also chat and lil won't be here for much longer. And we always have a few kittens when we get a batch of newbies. I think the next Fred might be a bumper! {this is based on nothing}

What?! Lil does your DH not know that you NEED the snickers in order to grow the babies?? Foolish man.

With Tink, Lil. LTB. Snickers are rank, though, you can keep them. I promise not to jump you this time Lil. We'll be due to test on the same day I reckon. If my unicorn is up before yours I'll keep it schtum

That badger still pestering your gut Tink? Bastard. I'm told metformin side effects do settle down so hopefully he'll be gone soon.

Ooooh Tink I love how you're coming over all mystic meg! Someone should mark this page to see if Tinks list of predictions happen in that order (and we should run a book, obvs)

I hope you're right tink, wish I shared your optimism. I'm feeling totally unupduffed, don't even think I've iced as I've not got even a hint of skittletits. Feeling fed up as secretly hoped for a bfp before fc app.

I hate ttc, i hate that it's not merit based, everything else in my life I've worked hard for and got the pay off. Ttc gives no prizes for effort and I can't cope.

lil I'm psyched for your embies, so excited for you.

I haven't read back properly yet so apologies for what I've missed and for being self indulgent, will do now.

I'm lurking on the grad's thread 5hell but desperately trying not to get whoop-de-do just yet (and the grad's thread could unleash a whole load of prematurely happy whoop!)

Very excited for your ET tomorrow Lil!

tink love your new interpretation of dh, not happy that he's being a prick though, still the same thing? Come live with me, we can go womble conker hunting and dance round my garden by moonlight.

Welcome hope great to have you hope your stay is short.

Sooo many babies born since I joined especially as I lurked for a couple months before joining and I know it's not my ticket yet by any means but by god I want my turn.

I'll be excited for you then feathered

Thanks just I hope so too! I also hope a lot of you will be buggering off to the grads soon

Thanks Just. Share your sentiments regarding the lack of merit involved in ttc/healthy pregnancies/babies etc. It's not fair, but I don't doubt that all of us on this thread will get there. Just got to try to remember not to set yourself 'targets' or compare with anyone else. Easier said than done eh?

Now where's my womble conker....

I found a womble (well, womblish conker) too at the weekend! Bloody love conkers. Especially wombly ones

Oh my god! We've been out for a meal with some friends tonight. I think I might have put the half a stone I've lost, back on again. feeling guilty now.

That and tired, so I'm in bed while DH is downstairs.

still no hurty nips

just - I'm baffled. We are literally echoing each other. Normally u could hurty nips and so do it - this month, nadda! What's all this about?!

^ could = get

Ooooh ohhh, my tits are on fiiyerr!

Fear thee not just I have everyone's share of the skittletits this cycle! I had a cycle recently when I was adamant I'd not iced but my progesterone was in the 40's at day 21, I just think our bodies don't follow the script symptom wise.

Dh is actually being much better. The caveat is that he's only been home this week since 6pm tonight so there is yet time. He's hoovered upstairs though, and booked a table for Saturday

chat I'm much better ta. Got the slow release metformin now which seems better. its only day 3 and I'm only on 1 per day, but the badger appears to be tamed for now, have to go up to 2 on Saturday so will report back then. This is the 4th or 5th time on the damn things over the last 10 years and I've never responded well to them before.

lil what time are you in? Hoping you've had a nice meal and a relax

keep as I said to just, the skittletits are safe and well over here. I'm fairly sure at this stage our symptoms count for each other....
I'll do the skittletits, you lot do the bfps, k?

Will certainly try, tink. Will find out on Monday!

Welcome newbies!
Gx for poas yoga will you do it first thing?
Tink I'm glad dh is behaving himself and I'm also loving the bfp predictions.
I had my first scan today and all was good. Feeling very positive now, unlike the last few weeks when I've been a miserable bitch worrying myself silly. I'm going to need some company on the grads' thread in spring so come on viroids, everything crossed for the predictions to come true.
Have a great holiday Peenut what a nice time of year to go away. It might only take one shag but your dh deserves a hooyah for that attitude!

Hurrah for good scan fruit.

I'm not spotty either, ffs, didn't think I'd ever wish for spotty face and tits on fire, totally singing that now tink!

keep last time I echoed someone she got upduffed so looks good for you!

Dh made up for his snickers stealing ways (see pic).

In at 11.30 fornoon transfer whoever asked.

just/keep I speak from experience. You'll do yourselves no good stressing, sulking, getting annoyed, etc. Just try and forget too much about ttc and enjoy sex again. Your on the road to answers now. None of the above will make the journey quicker. Much easier said than done though I know.