Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

just buscopan! It's buscopan we need! I've been googling like a maniac and apparantly this will force all badgers to exit! Although it is now 3minutes past 7 and the pharmacy closes at 7pm I will out him tomorrow, bastard thing.

Dp just text me this "can't wait to get home and show you my massive trophy* hoping that's a euphemism but sadly more likely to be an actual trophy. He's been away with work, he's not a sports star!

Buscopan you say? Ill get some tomorrow, I'm so bloated I'm waddling!

Sorry to all viroids having a crap time, especially Black - sounds like a horrendous week! And hope gut-badgers and flu bugs depart soon.

A day of obstetric teaching today was really what I needed...

Oh not what you need sock have some

and and unmumsnetty hugs to all the viroids that need them.

Black that sounds like a horrible week.

Bloated viroids - what sometimes helps me is a mini little jog on the spot or jumping up and down... It sometimes forces any trapped air out that helps a little with the bloaty feeling...

So I went to my gynea appointment today. Got positive comments on the weight loss. It wasn't what I wanted to lose, but was enough for them to be happy with it. They told me to keep it up as the more I lose the better it will be for my fertility. They were also happy that I had some spotting about 3 weeks ago now that wasn't medically induced, so haven't given me any more tablets to induce a period but they are going to contact my doctors to say that if I go 3 months without any bleeding to give me a prescription for some more of those tablets. I have also now been referred to the fertility specialists. Woop woop. I feel like things are moving forwards. I was expecting to have to wait several months to get an appointment with the FC but luck is on my side this week - there was a cancellation for this coming Monday that I've taken. I'm sure I've pissed off work in the process, I had to call in this afternoon to say about the Monday appointment so they had time to arrange cover for my class Monday afternoon. Oops.

I'm so excited, but also incredibly nervous about Monday!

Also... yesterday my class were convinced that I am a mummy. Nothing I could say to them would convince them otherwise. Wondering if they know something I don't... Tempted to POAS to prove them wrong!

Black what a terrible week, I'm so sorry for you. Gx your mum's tests come back with good results and your friend who had the stroke recovers quickly. for your friend who MC.
Chat wow, this is all happening quickly. Do you have to make a decision or is it a sure thing?
Ill good news that your body responded well.
Ain great that you got an appointment so quickly. Don't worry about work, they'll sort it out. You must be giving out maternal vibes!
Tink your badger resident sounds like a real bugger. When I get bloated, I do a yoga move: legs apart, bend from the waist and just hang forward as much as your can until everything readjusts. No idea if it works for badgers though.
Peenut can we hooyah your dh?
Gx for anyone shagging/ poas soon

ain that's bloody fantastic!

Hi all

dulcet is most definitely keeper of Nigel the gull, not seagull. Think he was named after that ukip wanker?

black what a week.

ain that's bloody fantastic news! Looking forward to hearing what they have to say on Monday.

So my right ovary is being a good girl and growing lots of big juicy eggs. My left over is a lazy piece of shit. To put it into perspective largest on right is 19mm on left largest is 13mm. I'm swimming for an extra day the taking trigger Sunday night for ec on Tuesday morning. Ec is the worst bit. Not looking forward to the nil by mouth part or the waking up feeling shit part.

Oo not long though lil! When can they tell you how many egg are usable

All hail the womble conker! Maybe it's the powers of the conker that brought me the good luck with the appointments.

We find out how many eggs when I come round from sedation and we will get a phone call Wednesday morning telling us how many fertilised jelly

Fantastic news for your right ovary being a good girl Lil. It's so exciting! ec = egg collection right? So if the egg collection is done on Tuesday when can they tell you how many they can use? Forgive me for being a bit of a dunce, but the eggs that are usable are then going to go through the disco in a petri dish? When will they be able to know how many got it together at the party?

Lil that's fantastic! Your baby is going to be conceived on Tuesday! Tuesday!

ain glad that your appointment today went well and go for you on Monday.

Black when it rains it pours. We'll let you into the commune and build a big bonfire for you to hide in. Hopefully you will here some good news.

sockqueen that's quite the emotional restraint you must have shown to teach obstetrics!

Due to mistiming my icing, I am on week 5 of my 2 week wait. It is beginning to feel like a very long 2 weeks.

to those viroids who need it. excluding me cause I'm still on an extended tww ain't I

Exciting lil :)

lil this is very exciting! Go ovaries! Shaking pom poms at left especially to chat up.

Learning it (or bits of it relevant to my job), not teaching it, Yoga! It's actually one of my favourite specialties, but a bit emotionally challenging at the moment. A year ago I was working on a huge labour ward, busy and stressful but loving it, and thinking "I'll be in here as a patient by this time next year." Ooops!

Have spent the evening with a cider and the rugby on TV, so not doing too badly. Not the greatest England match ever, but we got the bonus point. Feel sorry for the Fijians having their try disallowed when our similarly close call was permitted.

Lil hurrah for your right ovary, and a gentle "get a move on" prod to the left!

Evening viroids well another crazy day no escapees though! manic non the less prisoner still at large and guards seem to have landed blame elsewhere by saying he escaped whilst having hand examined! common practice at 1am! because they were definitely not asleep! gingers crossed for you Lil hope economic goes well will catch up with everyone tomorrow as to tired to read right now sleep is most definitely required!

Haha economic that was supposed to say ec damn auto correction!

black sounds tough, I'm sorry.

ain great news that things are moving forward.

for lil's right ovary! And A for effort left ovary.

tink good luck banishing the gut badger

Glad you had a less dramatic night cori! Scary about prisoner, wasn't he handcuffed? Do you actually work in holby city? Sounds like a tv script, if he escaped whilst you were fumbling with a doctor, who unbeknownst to you was your twin separated at birth, in a patient's room it must be!
Got a bit carried away there, it may be obvious that I don't watch any soaps, for all I know holby is tres serious. Think I may be channeling Dr Drake Ramoray from days of our lives!

Blah I'm rambling!

sock are you a doctor or something equally clever and impressive? We need you at the commune, you can deliver all the babies. There will be loads of them thanks to the womble conker.

Just I'll join in your fertility dance. though I have two left feet

It'll be fun, won't cause any harm, and, well, you never know. It might work..

It might make the ovulation happen and our DPs will not be able to resist the dancing..

Excellent, ill be waving a floaty scarf around and wearing flowers in my hair. Might paint some cocks on myself as a fertility symbol. That should do it despite poor shagging effort this month right?

Black sorry you are having a crap week.

Go Lils ovary, hope the other one catches up.

I start clomid again tonight and then have scan a week on Monday if I haven't surged on my own by then. Trying to be extra good this month, no coffee or wine after today .