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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

999 replies

ChatEnOeuf · 28/08/2015 21:00

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

  1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
  2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
  3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
  4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
  5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo


ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!
OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
ChatEnOeuf · 19/09/2015 07:17

All this commune/womble conker chat has reminded me that I own a fertility statue. She lived in our downstairs toilet for a few years, not sure where she is now. Must find her. And yes, Nigel is definitely a gull!

Excellent work, Lil's right ovary! Left, perk it up.

Yoga stretches help with my gut badgers too Tink - worth a try. Glad DH is being okay. Of course you can babysit! We are always looking for babysitters!

Fruit it's pretty much a done deal. We had a long chat and despite the benefits of being here, it doesn't make sense to turn down a move back.

Ain that's great news! Lucky too, getting in for Monday.

Ill that's good you can get cracking on the clomid again straight away.

What was the trophy, Just?

Sock - obstetrics really interests me too. You a gas lady?

Blank I'm sorry - that sounds like a horrendous week. I hope your mum's scans turn out to be nothing sinister.

OP posts:
coribeth · 19/09/2015 07:59

just that actually made me lol no don't work in holby city it is the going joke that these things always happen to me usually cat related though not work came home to strange tom cat sat in my microwave the other week! The prisoner was cuffed but slipped his hand out some how and wrapped the chain around the bed rail it the confusion that ensued the first (chain up) guard couldn't get free quick enough and knocked the table over spilling a can of Pepsi which the second guard then slipped on we have mag release doors which you have to push the button to exit through the prisoner managed this no probs however the guards in there panic seemed to forget the button existed despite us yelling press the green button press the green button seriously couldn't write this stuff it would be tv gold! Grin

Peenut · 19/09/2015 12:37

So Cori, the prisoner is still on the run? Yikes! I'm locking the door! (Unsure if he's made it to Yorkshire but just in case.) Sounds like a comedy sketch what with the knocked over Pepsi and flustered guards.

Hooray to Lil's right ovary, may it offer a plentiful egg supply and I pray to the Womble Conker the left one ripens nicely too.

Fruit You may hooyah my DH. We had a family get together last night to wave off his cousin and he ceremoniously drank only a fruit shoot after I gave him a look of doom when he approached the beer selection. Managed to DTD last night so hoping drunk swimmers are gone and some newer more sober ones are currently on their way for tonight/tomorrow.

Black sounds like you are having a terrible time, I hope everyone gets better very soon Flowers

Tink Thanks for my Wine, hope the bowel badger has shifted its' angry ass. Badgers are very aggressive creatures? Especially the Honey Badger.

Ain Maybe your class have picked up vibes from the Womble Conker?

Yoga that is a long wait. You must be climbing the walls.

Keepatit · 19/09/2015 15:08

pernut! another Yorkshire lass! Grin

What is a bowl badger that people can talking about?! Hmm

black sorry you are having such an awful week. Gx your mums scans come back okay

cori wow! Your week at work sounds more dramatic and action filled than mine ever has Grin

Ill gx for u! I'm trying the no wine / junk food etc. And I'm positive it has helped me this month. That and I'm exercising regularly.

Well I'm in the boring part of the tww! I'm going to try to not symptom spot this month. In fact, I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm in the tww and just get on with everything. It's easier said that done, but going to try.

Wasn't happy with DH last night. We went to bed late and he just wanted to go to sleep (we haven't dtd for 3 days). I refused to let that happen Grin. This morning he's been a right grumpy arse complaining that he's tired and how he was in sleep mode prior to me "seducing" him... By the time we had finished he was wide awake and couldn't get back to sleep. I pointed out to him that we are ttc and there is generally a huge (Grin) ingredient required for this. "Mumble mumble" was all I heard after that.

Keepatit · 19/09/2015 15:08

Pernut = peenut Hmm

SockQueen · 19/09/2015 16:03

Just/Chat - yes, I'm an anaesthetist. So I won't be needed in the commune because nobody will have an epidural/C-section and all the babies will be born around the sacred conker womble to whale music and aromatherapy only. Wink I can bake cakes and lead some chanting instead though?

ChatEnOeuf · 19/09/2015 16:40

Thought so Sock. Even more kudos for your exam success then :) I'm just a lowly NICU doc - won't be needed either as all of the babies will be just fine when they're born. I'll bring night shift cookies.

Ain Hooyah for your class Grin

OP posts:
fruitlovingmonkey · 19/09/2015 18:16

Chat hopefully you've settled in so well over there because you are all very adaptable and will easily fit back into English life. I think it's much harder coming home but you'll have new adventures to look forward to soon anyway.
Good work on the doom stare Peenut, are you a teacher by any chance?
Cori your work sounds very exciting. What a comical series of events!
Good to know we have so many medically trained viroids, although obviously you'll all be playing second fiddle to the dolphin midwives and womble conker. I liked the idea of painting cocks on ourselves, whoever suggested that (I've got a terrible memory, sorry). It reminded me of a fertility festival they have in Japan. I went to Japan this year and arrived just before the festival, but unfortunately I was in the wrong part of the country.
notesofnomads.com/kanamara-penis-festival-japan/

justtheonethen · 19/09/2015 18:26

Hi all.

I'm a bit pissed off. Relative has got sucked into forever living, which as far as I can tell is a farce and forces normally bright women to post annoying inspirational fb updates about loving life, anyway we had this fb exchange today:

Relative (who knows we are ttc and who took 18months to get pg so has up to this point been v helpful: why don't you kickstart your system with a cleanse? You will be pregnant so soon if you do!

Me: what?!

Then followed some bull about how amazing she felt after a cleanse, wish she had known about it, one of her friends got pg straight away.That it's all researched etc etc.

I just said, oh interesting, can you send me the study that was done as interested to see how starving yourself would be beneficial to fertility.

She hasn't got back to me Hmm

I'm feeling a bit pissed off that she's trying to use something so emotive to peddle her wares.

justtheonethen · 19/09/2015 18:28

fruit those pictures! Let's fill the commune with penis lollies.

justtheonethen · 19/09/2015 18:39

I'm nominating the Egyptian fertility God as an addition to the fertility alter.

Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!
Illiria · 19/09/2015 19:51

Yay Min :-) some archeologists theorized that the granite versions of his statues were used by the temple apprentice priestess' in a fertility ritual where they had sex with the statues. This was supposed to ensure that the Nile would flood so that the silt will fertilize the fields along the river. Ancient Egyptian mythology was a hobby of mine as a kid.

Illiria · 19/09/2015 19:52

Cat tree arrived this morning and is built but he has gone back to sleeping next to me on the sofa.

Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!
honeysucklejasmine · 19/09/2015 20:12

Just Shock how out of order!

justtheonethen · 19/09/2015 21:53

ill what a lovely cat! I have numerous cat things, mine ignores them all. Love that you know all about Ancient Egyptian mythology, you can lead lessons in the commune!

Ain626 · 19/09/2015 23:57

Haha chat ! Hooyah-ing my class! Grin they definitely deserve it. I poas just to be sure that they haven't got a crazy pregnancy detection skill this morning. Of course it was negative as expected, but totally justifies the hooyah! Wink

Penis lollies (better tasting than the real thing I take it?) and fertility gods and goddesses sound like good additions to the commune. Are we going to have a fire to dance around?

Extremely tired as slept very badly last night but can't seem to sleep. Sad

SockQueen · 20/09/2015 00:17

Of course there will be a fire, Ain. With marshmallows. Can't have a camp/commune fire without marshmallows. And chocolate digestive biscuits to squish them between.

Just it is a huge con - surely if the products were so amazing they'd sell them in shops rather than getting random housewives to flog them to their mates? There have been a few interesting MN threads on it not too long ago like this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/2446930-FL-MLM-Thread-3

Chat - nothing lowly about NICU! I couldn't do what you do, and am always very glad when you appear in theatre.

Keepatit · 20/09/2015 01:01

I've just been in floods of tears reading this:

SOMETHING TO PONDER: George Carlin

George Carlin's wife died early in 2008 and George followed her, dying in July 2008. It is ironic George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent and so very appropriate. An observation by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

Keepatit · 20/09/2015 01:03

Sorry - it is actually quite depressing but wanted to share it Sad

Illiria · 20/09/2015 04:25

Thanks Just he is so sweet can't believe he got dumped. He has some abandonment issues but otherwise is completely ok.

Thanks Keep I would like to do some more exercise but have learnt from last cycles post trigger two weeks that I can't do any exercise then as you get so tired and woozy.

oneyorkshirepud · 20/09/2015 08:51

Morning shaggers,

Lil did you watch the programme that was on a while ago about birth choices? Not the dolphin one, it was a few months ago I think. There was a hippy lady who had a free birth on her house boat. (We need her in the commune). Anyway her hippy friends did like a birth blessing for her where they called on 'the power of the great bear to give her strength' etc etc, and then they all gave her a big group hug at the end and she cried.
Well, since you have started this round of IVF I have had an image stuck in my head of a similar Viroid bump-rubbing group hug; but instead of you rubbing our bumps we are all rubbing our bumps on you in a crazy hippy lady group hug way. Except we are all quite bumpy/large/uncoordinated due to various pregnancy ailments and as such you are stood in the middle of a group of pregnant ladies awkwardly rubbing their bumps on you in a 'teenagers gyrating on each others legs with their clothes on type way. With big bellies'.

Anyway, this is an insight into the kind of things that happen in my mind. However, the concept is important, all the grads are massively sending our love your way and will be virtually rubbing our bumps on you this week with everything crossed for ec, fertilisation and sticky beans. Mwah xxx

coribeth · 20/09/2015 09:49

This commune sounds awesome think I will be in charge of whale music or the like as a head and neck nurse my skills will not be in demand I'm guessing however anyone with a meditation induced nose bleed I'm your girl! peenut I too am a Yorkshire lass however currently working in Merseyside so guessing escaped prisoner not up your way! Hmm unless that's his escape plan!

Ain626 · 20/09/2015 10:02

The commune is sounding more and more fabulous in my opinion. Haha. Grin

I have no medical skills at all cori so you'll be more in demand than me.. Wink

Peenut · 20/09/2015 14:59

Ey up Keep Cori and Yorkshite Pud* (I'm assuming you are form Yorkshire too Yorkshire Pud!)

I must confess though although I live here I'm from Merseyside originally, so more, ey la than ey up!

The communue will defo run itself, we've got an excellent skill set between us and we can probs make some of those fertility statues out of papier maché. That is a beautiful image Pud and bump rubbing ceremony would totally work. Katie Piper could come and film it and do a channel four special on the commune.

Nice words Keep. So true!

I didn't just pee in a tea cup and use not one but two OPK sticks. OK. I did but have washed the cup and nobody will know it had pee in it once and they are for decoration rather than function.

Have one CB stick left and didn't want to waste it so used one of the cheapo ones and managed for the first time to get a line as dark as the test line.

Then to celebrate used last CB stick to see satisfying smiley face. Right, I'm going to get more sperm from now not drunk DH and see if Womble Conker brings me luck this month.

Peenut · 20/09/2015 15:00

Ooooh sorry Yorkshire Pud! I didn't mean to type Yorkshite!

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