Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

feathered I can scan you every day in the commune if you like? Choice of lubes but the screens a bit grainy. You get free with each sitting though.

coribeth that's mad, did they find him!?

I have flu. Flu naysayers not welcome. Either flu or a glandular fever flare up. Either way it's shit. I can barely lie and look at this screen and slightly delirious hysterical at the thought of looking after a 1 and 2 year old all day. They're not up yet. DS was up all night complaining of mystery nose and head ailments so he should be about as much fun as I will be today.
DH has to work, he could do today's job on Monday but he doesn't really get illness so he just looked at me like this when I asked him to take the day off just now. He's worked through broken ribs and lymes disease so he thinks everyone can should. Fucker.

And that's the fertile window gone with only one shag. Which will almost certainly not be adequate.

AND we have house guests this weekend and the place is a tip and I'm ill.

So please could I get some sympathy? As I'm getting none at home.

Long whiny post alert there^^^

YB sending sympathy your way and no he is still at large! Have to say it was almost amusing in OH shit this really isn't funny type way!

Thanks cori that's like something out of a film!

DH has just come upstairs before leaving with some vile concoction to make me feel better. Bless him. I sniffed it suspiciously and he said 'you'd better drink it! But careful as there's some seeds in the bottom, don't eat those.'
Seed and honey cocktail, my favourite. He is sweet. And he's fed my doggies. Just wish he'd take the day off work!!

Feel better Sockballs You have my sympathies!

I hope I'm not headed for a flu, seeing as I feel I've only got my health back after my bout of tonsilitis which brought me to deaths door. I ate breakfast this morning, just a packet of those breakfast biscuits and a glass of water, and then promptly was sick! Morning sickness, illness or a dodgy chinese last night? I feel completely fine now, it just came over me all of a sudden, so now my stomach is empty again I'm completely fine!

fluffy when did you test?

I'm rarely sick (cold or physically vomming). I've not been sick (vomming) since I was 19... And that wasn't due to illness (spiked).

Saying that, for the last week I've been waking up some days with a slight head cold then on other days I'm fine!

Hope u feel better youbastard (grinning at your name again)

YouPoorBastard

Is snot season here too. Only two weeks into the new school year. DD has gone in though, trooper that she is I'm caring for no-one feeling this crap

Good luck for the next cycle Ill - when do you kick off?

Aw, hope you feel better soon Sockballs. Autumn illness sucks!

Cori your shift sounds bonkers! Like something off a film!

I'm pleased to hear that there is access to scanners available for the commune. I'm up for moving there this weekend if anyone else is?

Got woken at 3am or some ungodly hour by DH returning home, pissed with his cousin who is staying with us for a few nights from New Zealand. We'd had a big night at a wedding at the weekend and I had pointed out that maybe since this week is THE WEEK for trying it might be best not to go mental with said cousin.

Cue three days of being in the pub and last night he ended up with his head down the loo. I don't want his swimmers, there are all pissed out of their minds!

Seriously, I'm annoyed with him. Why not just have a few sociable pints instead of going crazy? Have been googling drunk swimmers, not good.

NB: DH isn't an alcoholic or anything, just couldn't think of anything more entertaining to do with our visitor other than the pub. Why not go for a walk, some nice places round here, or take him to see some old buildings/historic landmarks/art, he's from NZ so surely old stuff would be a novelty?

I tested on Tuesday which was a BFN. I'm very rarely sick as well keep. Ddog is ill at the moment though, so thinking it is a sick illness rather than a pregnancy symptom.

Peenut my DH is the same is those situations. Visitor? PUB. When I visited him in his home town for the first time (which I should add is an extremely pretty, well to do tourist spot by the sea) I was taken to every pub and party going. Forget the coastal walks, historic houses, shops etc! (Although I get my way these days). I also get confused that he never goes for dinner with his friends unless the wives (me inc) are involved. They just always go to the pub for a swift one. Why not have a nice dinner too?

I'd be cross if this is your fertile week. You don't want dozy hungover sperm, swimming in the wrong direction because they're still inebriated.

Cori my LORD that sounds like a scene from Silence of the Lambs (without the face eating). How exciting!

Sockballs - you poor thing. Anyone you can call on to take the DCs off your hands? Failing that, is it a terrible idea to pretend to them it's bed time and try to persuade them to doze off again? (I have no clue, seriously, I know). I'll take the daily scan at the commune but it seems a bit anti commune? Like "de-mystifying the sanctity of the womb" style anti commune? That said, I don't like mystery. Scan me up.

Fluffy do you have a FRER you might consider PO?

Ill sorry to hear the witch has parked up. Sounds positive that your doctor says you're responding well though.

Going to buy a frer this evening when I can get to the shops just to check. Feeling fine now after my lunch, so its not just an after meal type thing, but still eating lighter just in case.

Hope you're feeling a bit better sock hope the kids are low maintenance for you today.

Gx fluffy!

Glad it's not just my beer crazed DH Feathered. Annoying because we'd discussed the state we accidentally ended up in on Saturday and I'd said I felt really annoyed with myself just in case I've mucked up my body for the month!

I expect to ovulate Sat or Sunday ... Maybe if we do it today and Saturday the drunk sperm will be got rid of making the way clear for the sober ones!

Good luck Fluffy ... Friday night anticipation!

Viroids! I just went to walk ddog to a cake shop and I found an unopened conker. I cracked it open and the pattern on it looks just like a womb! I promise I'm not normally the type to find Elvis on a piece of toast! This has to bring good luck to the viroid commune. Unfortunately I scratched it a little bit putting it in my pocket, but scratches are good for implantation, aren't they?
Sorry for the shit photo, tis much more womb- like in real life.

Ooh, Fruit that's excellent. Very uterine.

Pee I'd be annoyed at that too. DH is the opposite, he plans gets me to plan all sorts of activities and sightseeing type things when we have guests.

My old boss says there's work for me straight away if I want it. Am feeling a bit sick.

All hail the sacred Womble Conker!

Launches into mystic tribal dance to celebrate it's fertile powers!

Seriously, that has made my afternoon Fruit!

Defo looks like a womble.

BFN viroids.

Sorry to hear that Fluffy, was it enough of a BFN to drink a big glass of wine? Or is there still a chance you've tested early? (Sorry if I've missed that conversation earlier on).

Sorry I've been mia for the last week, it's been a difficult time.

and to all those viroids that need it.

Found out on Monday that my job is at risk of redundancy, then that a good friend has had a miscarriage which I am devastated for her. My mum has been sent for an emergency scan as she has suspicious tumours in her pelvis and a friend has had a stroke. It doesn't rain it pours.

On top of that its my fertile week and with all the stress I think I have zero chance this month

On a positive note I see we have a commune - can I be in charge of the pissy sticks? talking of pissy sticks I honestly didn't poaopk today and it honestly wasn't positive

No drinking for me this weekend peenut. Still feel pretty nauseous really, although I think a lot of that was anxiety of taking the test. With my irregular cycles I have no idea when I should be testing, so it's all a bit of guesswork.

and hugs for you BlackCat! sorry theres so much shittiness happening for you at the moment. You better ration out those pissy sticks at the commune, particularly to me! I didn't just pee through 30 IC in 4 months

Struggling to keep up! In summary: youpoorbastard

black how awful for you wishing your mum lots of luck for her tests. And wishing your friend a speedy recovery. I know a few people that have had mini strokes that were back to their best within weeks. I also used to work with a chap who had a major stroke in his 30's who returned to work within 6 weeks without issues. Hope your friend has a similar experience talk to us if you want to, we are here for you xxxx

fruit eggsellent find for the commune altar, so far we have the womble conker, Nigel the seagull (yy I think that was dulcet, or noniks), a scan machine and a picture of Ian McShane. Good work viroids, we will all be upduffed by the next full moon!

chat are you coming back?! I'm in the Midlands! can I babysit mini?

fluffy do you know how many dpo? I guess cd is irrelevant if you ovulated recently?

ain good work! Hope you're finding it easy.

ill that's a silver lining that you responded well. Without the stress of moving etc. maybe next time will be THE time?! Gingers crossed!

lil how are you happy stabbed?

pee total sympathy from me. What a nobber. It's just not getting banjaxed for one week, how is it they can never manage it? (yes I do see the irony in me sending you virtual wine)

Dh came back last night and things were ok. Then in the middle of the night he woke me up to try and do the sex on me. I quite fancied it but couldn't oblige as I have a grumpy badger living in my bowel. He is quite aggressive and making me sore and I have no idea how to evict him my stomach is completely swollen but I'm not constipated so it's definitely a badger living in there little bastard. Maybe we could use the magic scanner and coax him out with carrots?

Sorry for bfn fluffy

Sorry witch got you ill, gx for next cycle. When do you start.

black sending lots of hugs, what a week.

yb poor you, hope you feel better soon. My dp is the opposite, every time I mention I'm feeling off he immediately is too. No, it's period pain dickhead, not contagious!

Cori bloody hell!

pee mine is the same

or as appropriate to those I've missed

I've got the bloating badger too. Bastard thing.

Meant to say black, my dad had a couple of mini strokes and was absolutely fine a few weeks later, had no problems since.