Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

It's also very watery (or at least more watery than normal lube) so don't be weirded out by that either

fluffy been trying for just over a year (this is 13th cycle. Done blood tests and one minute they tell me they are low then the next she tells me it's borderline but that they don't just go by one cd21 test. DH has good count but low motility(?) (they aren't active enough). So doc asked if we wanted referring to the clinic and we've said yes.

I've just been for a hot stone massage.... It was amazing. Had to book in for another next month

Hope referral comes through quickly Keep! Can I ask whether the first lot of tests you had done were with GP or through hospital?

I love a good spa treatment. Tuesday I had a facial and a salt and oil full body scrub. Bliss!

Ain seriously - 7lbs? That's incredible, well done!

Sorry Sock and Keep. Sending unmumnetty hugs to you both.

Thanks Fruit. It helps to know someone is in the same place and going through the same madness. I keep getting cross with myself when I look at baby related things - as though it will keep me from getting too involved and so will upset me less should this pregnancy end the same way as the last. I'm really struggling. I keep toying with the idea of an early scan - but think what's the point, when even if it looked good at the scan it could still go wrong after that? And if the scan showed things weren't going well, then hey, I can't do anything about it in any case and will have to sit and wait for things to take their course.

Good god, I'm a right misery.

Anyone watching Dr Foster on BBC1? It's so good! How the husband in it still has any nuts left is beyond me!!

Can we bring a TV to the commune for when we don't want to communicate via ESP with the dolphins or the ukelele noise is getting a bit much? And just so I can carry on watching Dr Foster?

Fluffy and Keep I'm so jealous - I bloody love a spa! Sounds amazing! I WANT THE HOT STONES AND A FACIAL!

We need a massage therapist (or 20) in the commune. Forget the TV.

keep last results from gp late Feb, 1st appt at fc 1/4, us about a week or 2 later, hsg in June as I was on hols in may and has to be pre cd10, saw consultant 17/7, had follow up to start ivf process 8/10, teaching session for needles 16/12 and started injecting 28/12. Bfp early Feb and could have done 2nd ivf about 2 months ago but we waited to try for a miracle natural bfp. And my clinic has no waiting list

I'd recommend looking at hfea website and finding your clinic (or clinics, when they phoned to give me first appointment I was given a choice of three clinics in my county) and see what the waiting list is and success rates etc.

Re adoption I think they like you to have ruled out assisted conception so you may not get far on adoption route while waiting on fc appointment but might be worth a phone call.

Don't worry about the day21 test. Are they redoing it? Did they measure amh? It's normal to have a couple of annovulatory cycles a year.

tink be uber stupid nice to him, that'll freak him out!

hfea website put your postcode in on the right

Just popping in with some for Fruit and Feathered, first tri must be really difficult after losses ladies but we are all here to handhold if you need it. It will go faster than you expect! Mwah!

I am all for joining the commune especially if you have massage therapists! I can bring a tamberine and half a bag of lentils from the back of the cupboard. Presume we will all be growing 70s booshes?

fluffy they were through the GP - no idea why I just presumed that was the norm. Then when the results came back for both of us she called us to tell us (this was earlier this week). So now just waiting for what I presume will be a letter. We are away in October so hoping the first appointment isn't during the time we are in Devon.

They do loads of beauty treatments at the gym I go to and the hot stone one for me was free as I referred a friend. They do alsorts from nails, spray tans, various massages and even some sort of liposuction (none surgical).

Thank u lil will take a look.

I might leave the adoption talk then and wait until we've at least started going to the FC. Will see what they say first.

Re 21day test - I am sure I've ovulated this month - and possibly it be one of few times I have. You probably read how I was... I've only had a hand full of cycles like that. Then again, I'm now dieting and exercising so I think that might be helping.

Ooh, very jealous of you spa girls! I love a good massage.

Ain that's a great start, FC will be pleased with anything going in the right direction.

Feathered I know how you feel. After my MC in March last year, I had an early scan in Aug. MC'd the following week. Having said that, if you see a HB at 8w, the chance of something going wrong after that point is very low. Not zero, obviously, or I'd be on the mumming thread now, but very low. I am still planning to do all of the scans and more if when I get upduffed again, but not before 8. Heck of a wait though. Today, you are pregnant.

Jelly wasn't he called Nigel? Think he belonged to Dulcet.

Fluffy I'd go for it on Saturday morning - brighten up the weekend/allows sorrow drowning before Monday.

Sock sorry about the BFN.

Welcome Cupcake - are you joining the shagging with science commune or just popping in for lube advice? Either way, lovely to see you. Can't help with the conceive/preseed thing though, never used either.

Viroids. There's a good chance I'm coming home early - I'm a bit at it all - I've got a good pregnancy plan here and a lot of projects on the go, lots of friends, DD is becoming bilingual...but home is where the teabags (/custard powder/bisto) are. And the friends, family, work and polite general public are that I've missed.

This commune...it's going to have the best of all of the worlds, yes?

Thanks all, think I'll phone clinic and see if I can have done there. Then get some hypnotherapy to cope. If it was just one I could probably make myself go and act like a crazy but not more. I'm near london so hopefully I'll find someone good.

Hugs to struggling viroids. Repeat after me, we will get there!

for ain, well done you!

YES to 70s muff dos yorkie!!!!

keep no idea what the norm is! I'm just trying to suss out what might happen at my appointment compared to who's done what here. My appointment is gynecology which I assume to be different to the fertility ones some have had here? But what will happen at the appointment I have no idea.

Saturday is a good plan chat. I won't have a test anyway until tomorrow evening when I get to the shop. So fmu on Saturday it is. I'm not hopeful. Exciting big life move then?! Is it Holland you are or am I mistaken? How long have you been living there? Is it for your dp's work?

Yep bilingual commune with waffles for breakfast and afternoon tea

And welcome cupcake, do stay! I bought some conceive plus, used it one cycle then promptly forgot about it.

Just saw tinkcat, I love him! Agree with lil, be relentlessly perky, I do that to dp if he's moody for my own amusement

Oops thought you were in Belgium, if it's Holland then hash cakes for breakfast

Nope, is Be. Waffles all around! DD thinks she can speak Dutch though...

My geography is awful! Apologies!

Sorry Fluffy - completely ignored your questions... Yes, DH's work, been here 14m of an expected three years. Promotion - v. proud as it's not long he's been at this level.

for mrchat

I am very keen to be a shagging and science bitch. Excellent name Tink!

Pud what is a commune if it doesn't celebrate the 70s bush? Naturally we will have lovely, springy pubes!

Thanks for the

Chat you've got me rethinking the scan idea. I had all but dismissed it and decided to go in for the long haul. May reconsider for around 8 weeks as I hadn't known that was a 'looking good' stage. Ah well. Will concentrate on day-by-day.

Where would you live if you came back to the land of custard, branstons and pg tips? I always wish I had had the chance to live elsewhere in Europe, but DH has selfishly picked an area of law that is only applicable in the UK. Phh.

Feathered I'll be EMids. More fool your DH - it's an adventure. Not for everyone but I'd do it again. Just as well really

Evening viroids and welcome cupcake conceive plus is lube of choice imo the scan chat has brought back some funny memories of how excited my colleagues and I used to get last year whenever someone went into urinary retention as it gave us chance to sign out the bladder scanner which we would later take in the treatment room in order to scan pregnant nurse on our ward raised a few hilarious looks on doctors faces when they inadvertently interrupted craziest nightshift ever last night prisoner escaped from ward by slipping cuff and tying guard to bed whole ward awake as can't tell you how noisy police and sniffer dogs are! Congrats ain that fab wish my weight was coming off as quick hides cake

Yes Chat I heard about the 8 week probability too....not that it worked for me last time, I had a healthy scan with wriggling and a heartbeat at 10 weeks, then the baby had died by 12. It's nice to know that is unusual though, so I'm going for my first scan after 8 weeks this time. Thanks for the love pud, at the moment the days feel long but the weeks are passing quite quickly.
Keep your gym sounds lovely.
Mmm, waffles and massages...

Well done ain

Thanks everyone, the witch is well and truly parked. Next cycle of iui, dr happy with my response so going with the same dosage.