Oh Shagging Gods Grant us our Wish, A Newborn so Tiny to Squish, By Shagging like Stars, Or with Jizz in our Bras, To the Disco in a Petri Dish...it's JS 53!

[ChatEnOeuf]

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.
5. Thou shalt not be offended by the word vagina.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also known as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a <strong>kitten</strong> = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit), or PIATLH (Tea light holder), PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage (Self explanatory, who wouldn't?)

ROC = Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Jizz in a bra = how we transport the jizz to the Sperm Queen

Shagging like <strong>Something</strong> = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband (or Cuntraband) = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A <strong>Lemon</strong> = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid

Cat - Compulsory

Skittletits - Killer molten painful tits and nipples

Ghost jizz/goat jazz - When the amazing foof sucks up all the jizz - achieved when coming at the same time/nearly the same time.

The link to Part 52 (The one where we recruited) is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2443514-Come-one-come-all-to-the-shaggers-ball-theres-fanjo-flags-and-party-bags-well-laugh-a-lot-and-well-get-our-tots-so-legs-in-the-air-for-the-shaggers-extraordinaire-Recruiting-YOU-on-JS52?msgid=56323474#56323474" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2450166-Were-growing-babies-stomach-beards-and-nipple-pubes-its-pregnancy-glamour-galore-with-humongous-tits-medicinal-prunes-and-praying-for-poo-on-JS-Grads-37" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The current Mumming Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/2444058-Just-Mumming-Thread-7-the-grads-grads-cope-with-walking-own-rooms-and-have-little-time-for-shagging" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a>

The brilliantly pearl-clutchy Fred about 'how wooode' our Fred is darlings is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2386412-Thread-titles" target="_blank">HERE</a>

Stats sheet is <a class="break-all" href="https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/14Ap3NlZ0dP2Rjd1tRdpZ58my-7vZ-oUhevZ-4JROvyg/edit#gid=0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">HERE</a> and a bit out of date now <strong>La</strong> has done a baby.

We are the dark side of MN... Welcome!

Sorry about af keep

tink I'm only cd30 so 2-3 days late and roughly around 14/15 dpo. Thought af was going to arrive early about a week ago based on how I was feeling - all crampy, very sore boobs. Still feeling crampy and still have very sore boobs. Usually when the boob pain recedes af arrives but it's just not happened yet

I've been here before though hence the reluctance to test.....

Hi Poppies! Welcome welcome.

Black I think I'm with Tink, Saturday should mean you're 4-5 days late which should be an accurate result for you? And we will all be here whatever happens. I understand the wanting to avoid disappointment but if AF doesn't show by then you will at least know where you stand. I'm amazed at your willpower btw.

Lil that did tickle me "I'm an accountant. I can count".

NFMV --I know you must be dying to know- - Nada. AF due any time from Sunday. I feel she's on her way.

It didn't work

Hello all! Hope we are all well! Welcome to poppies!

Having another very confusing cycle. Rage. Woke up this morning with some brown discharge and thought I was perhaps having some ovulation spotting thank you google seeing as I am on day 24, officially, but I think I may be up to 7 days before that as it was a weird period at the start and then proper started. The brown discharge then turned into a heavier bleed with lots of fresh blood, and now it's back to the brown discharge.

I have received my gyne appointment for next month to look at my very irregular cycle. So there's that...

Really had hoped everything would have settled down before I needed to use the appointment but I doubt that will be likely.

black I'm gonna fuel the crazies and say pee on a frer.

fluffy I feel your pain, I think a lot of us have had shorter than normal cycles lately. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Your gynae will give you some answers I'm sure! Have you had scans and bloods yet?

black given how I've been the last few days, I would say wait it out. I wish I had, without all the symptom spotting. I'd say do it on Saturday/Sunday.

Gx'd whether you wait or POAS tomorrow x

My last cycle was 70 days Tink, and I don't feel this to be a period. No other period symptoms. So I don't think it's a short cycle, although I could be wrong. I often am.

It's just so annoying that I don't know where to even start. Together me and DH make an awful TTC pair, me with my all over the place cycle and no idea when/if I'm ovulating and DH who never wants it and often can't perform.

No bloods or scans yet. This is my initial appointment, so no idea what to expect.

Welcome poppies
Sorry for your friend feathered, how tragic. Even if you were ever slightly off with her, I'm sure she was too busy being bloody thrilled about being pg to notice. What matters is that you're there for her now. for both of you.
Ain I hope your grandad is ok.
Well done keep for the weightloss.
Did anyone else watch Extraordinary births? I just caught it from a recording. Have to say I loved the glam scouser, she really deserved her happy ending.

Black I am agog you've managed to wait this long to POAS/FRER.

I bow down to your will power.

Don't be scared - you can't change the result now. If it's a shitty BFN, we'll all be here to spur you onwards and upwards. If it's a BFP, we'll be here to celebrate with you.

I trotted into Boots to get a FRER today - to PO NEXT WEEK and there was an offer for three sticks for two! Delight! Until I realised they had all been taken. Cue a massive huff and strop out to SuperDrug.

Where I have learnt they don't sell FRERs at all and their own early testers had all been snapped up too.

The bastards.

I suspect one of the JSers has been to my local town centre and cleared out all the FRERs to stop me from testing early.

looks around suspiciously. Eyes fall on Lil and just

stalks off

Thanks Fruit. Update on my friend - she took the drugs for the termination today. She goes into hospital on Saturday for more drugs to induce the labour.

I managed to make her laugh by telling her (and you guys too, now) that I shat myself today. Yep. I shat myself. I have very VERY temperamental bowels and whilst I was in town earlier, I thought I was letting off a little fart. It wasn't a fart.

Pants and jeans now in the wash, my dignity is in tatters (I had to run home hoping I wouldn't bump into anyone I knew) but I MADE HER LAUGH ALOUD IN HER DARKEST HOUR. And for that, I'm grateful that I shit myself.

Ahem.

Anyway.

I recorded extraordinary births and am going to watch it tonight!

Don't worry fluffy. Standard procedure often seems to be sending you for an abdominal and trans vaginal scan, completely painless and will show up any cysts/fibroids etc.
Also, day 3 and day 21 bloods which will check all of your hormones, so they'll look at your thyroid, prolactin, blood glucose etc.
They also check your lutenising hormone, follicle stimulating hormone and progesterone. These 3 are time sensitive which is why the tests are done on specific days. They basically need to do one when you've just started af, and one about a week before she is due again, or, a week after you've ovulated. With your weird cycle they'll struggle getting these done on the right days but theyll manage, you might need to be pushy and insist you'll do temping and opks etc to ensure they get the right days, but only if you want to.
It might be helpful to take a list of symptoms if there is anything else that's worrying you. Also, a list of questions if there are things that you're not sure about.
You're in the right hands, they'll look after you. Be aware that as its a gynae you're seeing they may want to examine you too, you can have someone with you for that and the scans if you wish.
Also, it's really important to note that very irregular cycles can often not be caused by anything. It might just be "your body" and will have no impact on your ability to conceive.

Feathered you have had an interesting day. At least you made her laugh though I Don't think those 3xFrer packs hang round long in boots. First time I went and there were none left. Second time I got the last one there and was nearly waving it round like willy wonkas golden ticket.

Haven't seen extraordinary births yet but hoping to get it on catch up

Thanks so much Tink! So good to know to expect from things. One of my worries is getting the time off work I've used up all of my annual leave until April now, so will be looking for the time unpaid. It's such a small workforce, I will feel inclined to tell my manager what it's for, especially if there is to be repeat tests. We get on great anyway, but it's not something I want people in RL to know about.

So sorry about your friend Feathered She's lucky to have a great friend like you being there for her! I also feel for you with shitting yourself!

feathered your poor friend. Sounds like you're being really supportive. I'm embarrassed for you with your shart. Poor you! You rumbled me, bought them all to stop your temptation!

black, agree, you can't change it now, but if you would rather wait then do. Agree that if it's bfn and still no af you won't believe it anyway. do think you should poas now though

ain hope your grandad is ok.

First day went well despite feeling like death. Got email from new boss congratulating me on good presentation so don't think it was too obvious I was dying although midway through someone passed me a throat sweet so maybe not

fluffy gx the appointment gives you some answers.

Should get dh sa results tomorrow.

keep for you. I feel the same, oddly positive. Think it's because I am in system so feel something is being done.

Bloody hell feathered I spat out my ! New legend of the Fred! Cheered me right up. My friend sharted on my sofa drunk once, she was proper but we just thought it was funny! The human body gets proper gross sometimes! It lead to a very revealing and amusing conversation and from that I can tell thee it happens to us all at some point

I know fluffy it's so awkward. I'm not sure if I'll need leave for my lap or if I can take an unpaid day, or even a sick day. It's so difficult broaching the subject that I'm going to wait till I get a date and see then. We have no hr so it's just my boss I can ask. For my normal appointments I emailed my boss about the first 3 with dates and times and said I'd make the time up. For the more recent ones (another 4) I haven't told them, I just went. I work on the road though so no one noticed, hopefully.

Yeah I'm worried about time off for appointments, don't want to tell them obviously but time off in term time is a real no no.

Hopefully i do get some answers.

There will be no way around it for me, I will need to say it's an appointment and hope there will be no other questions from that. From a managerial position, that will be fine, but we have became quite friendly, and she does like to 'mother' a bit, so she will want to know more.

Could you remind me Tink what are your appointments for?

This year I've had 2 scans, 2 endocrinologists appointments and 1 fc appointment all at the hospital. I've had a further 4 GP appointments and 3 lots of bloods, all bloods = 2 apps at the surgery. I have booked in for the future 1 GP app end of September, bloods in October, lap and dye in November, bloods in December, endocrinologists in December. It's a lot! It's because I'm having prolactinoma treatment, pcos and endometriosis and large cysts that need monitoring (2 so far this year). I may also need a brain scan depending on the October bloods to check about the prolactinoma.

just well done you, Gx for tomorrow.

lil sorry, forgot to answer, DH and I are ok atm. It's up and down, weekends are harder cause he goes out and drinks and we argue. He's a goodun really, I just feel like I need more support sometimes and he feels like he just wants to go out and forget it all. Usually we can compromise but sometimes we fail on that.

Wow that's a lot going on Tink! Hope your appointments go well and I hope you get the support from your DH. It's hard when you both cope in different ways.

Gx for results tomorrow just.

Watching extraordinary births on catch up now. Dolphin lady is mad!

Nfmv: I'm Crampy McCrampalot down there this month. More gas pains, than the witch pains at the moment.

Ha! I loved the crazies on extraordinary births - they were all awesome. My favourite was the dolphin lady too, mostly because she thought her daughter was a dolphin. Wonders how to have a life where I get to live in Hawaii, not seem to work and spend my days painting my body and swimming with dolphins/dancing around in my pants to a giant digaridoo