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Original poster

Husband doesnt want children... what do i do?

89 replies

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 09:48

Hi All,

I'm a newbie to mumsnet, but didn't know where else to turn. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We are both 25 and bought our first home last summer. I am now ready to start a family and thought he would be too, but after a long (and tearful) discussion over the weekend, he told me that he never wants children. He said that he only ever agreed with me before to entertain me, but truthfully it's not something he ever wanted. I'm not the mumsy type and have never really talked about having kids, so maybe he thought I didn't want them too?

We have the perfect marriage and he couldn't be a better husband, and this is not something I would divorce him over. I just fear that if we do have a baby, he will resent me... or if we don't I will resent him.
I've read a lot of these blogs about this subject, and the majority of people are saying to wait and not pressure him... which is what I am doing. Bu I fear that by doing this, he will forget all about it and we will never have a baby.

I need any advice you can give me, because although I'm not your typical maternal girl, I have this feeling that I have to have a baby and I cant imagine never having one. trying to explain to him what this feeling is like is so hard, but I love him so much and want nothing more then to have a family with him.

please help :'(

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 09:53

Well, you cant (or shouldnt ever) have a child with someone who doesnt one to be a parent, so you'll either have to revisit that idea of divorcing him and finding someone else or you'll have to accept that you wont have children. Please dont fool yourself that if you wait long enough he will change his mind.

Fwiw- his lying about wanting children would be grounds for divorce in my book.

littlebbunny · 13/04/2015 10:36

I have to agree with everything SurlyCue said. I love my husband dearly but not sure I would want to be with him if he didn't give me the choice of wanting kids or not. I think you have to decide what you want more. I wasn't ready for my little man but have no regrets at all having him. You are both still young so maybe he will change his mind and not be so selfish. Are you prepared to wait even though it's not guaranteed he'll change his mind? You already can't image life without a child, will that feeling fade if he still doesn't want any children and will you be able to cope with that idea?

flagnogbagnog · 13/04/2015 10:37

The thing is, I expect your feelings of wanting a baby will actually get stronger in time. Despite having four children already and getting close to 40 I'm still fighting the urge to have another. I think it's part of your natural instincts.

The fact that he told you he did want children but actually didn't is a huge betrayal.

You have a very hard decision to make, your husband without children or move on and have them with someone else. You are fortunate that you've found out so young.

Fleecyleesy · 13/04/2015 10:39

It is a deal breaker. Completely black and white IMO. You want, he doesn't. Divorce is the only option for you, if you want dc at 25, you will always want them and you won't be happy long term without them. Tell DH!

sebsmummy1 · 13/04/2015 10:44

Yep I agree with Fleecy. Total deal breaker.

You would be wise to walk away now whilst you're still young, than you would to hang on in there and hope he will change his mind. The dating sites are littered with women in their thirties trying to find their significant others as they want babies and time isn't on their side.

In your position I would be furious that he lied to you to keep you sweet then dropped this bombshell at a time when you can't easily walk away. Moron.

Heels99 · 13/04/2015 10:49

I know someone else who was in this position, they sadly did divorce and she had a child with a subsequent partner, who she is no longer with.
Agree him lying to you about this would be very challenging to ever get past as c couple and it doesn't sound like he will Change his mind.
Would you consider counseling to help you, either with or without your husband?

originalusernamefail · 13/04/2015 10:49

Leave. Sorry to be so blunt. If you go without kids to please him you will be miserable. If he has kids to please you, he will be miserable. Staying is going to make one of you (and by extension both) miserable. I think deciding whether or not to have kids is one of the few things you have to ABSOLUTELY agree on before marriage for him lying to you.

Time for some thinking OP

MelonBallersAreStrange · 13/04/2015 10:49

Oh my god. He lied about wanting kids to manipulate you.

Now you know that, you can't un-know it.

What else has he lied about? What else will he lie about? You are only 25 and he's already lying about major life stuff that potentially screws you over to get his own way.

I love him so much and want nothing more then to have a family with him.
This is your fantasy life. It is not going to happen. This fits with my favourite quote "the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off."

People are correct about not pressuring him, however, in this case that's because he has told you clearly that he does not want children. The discussion is over. Yes, he would resent you if you got pregnant. If he changed his mind you would always worry that he resents you and the baby.

You thought you had the perfect marriage. Now you know the truth. You do NOT have the perfect marriage. That is shit. I hope that you find your anger soon. He deserves your anger. How fucking dare he?!

Seriouslyffs · 13/04/2015 10:49

Lying over such a big thing is a deal breaker.
However you have time on your side; you could plan now to start afresh when you're 30. I don't know whether you should tell him, probably yes.

base9 · 13/04/2015 10:57

Sorry, but I also think this is the end of the road for your marriage. It is such a fundamental life decision that if you do not agree, you cannot be happy together. I know it must seem like a vague problem, as you are discussing hypothetical children some time in the future, but it is absolutely at the heart of your marriage, your life and your happiness.

Even more worrying is that it seems he lied to you about wanting children. That is an unforgiveable deception.

Whatever you do, DO NOT wait around for the next 5 to 10 years to see if he changes his mind. You either resign yourself to never having children, and if you do that you will need some counselling to fully understand what that means, or you divorce him now, while you are young and can begin again with an honest man who wants what you Do in life.

Quitelikely · 13/04/2015 11:00

He did a disgraceful thing in telling you he wanted children.

He has caused this problem.

You can wait it out and hope he changes his mind, accept you will have no dc or leave him.

Those are your choices. You need to decide what is more important to you.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 13/04/2015 11:07

Don't waste your fertile years waiting for him to change his mind. He probably won't.

You can't compromise on this. If you want children, no relationship will ever be enough to make up for you not having them. You are right, you absolutely will resent him.

Ultimately, if you choose him, it's likely you will end up with no marriage and no children.

Give him two years, max. If he's still adamant it's never, leave him.

WinterBabyof89 · 13/04/2015 11:10

He could change his mind - but he might not, & would you really be okay with this?
It's not that he's saying he doesn't want children right now, but that he never wants children - that would be a massive deal breaker for me, no matter how hard the fall out of that decision would be.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:16

Thank you all for your messages.

I just want to say that he loves me very much and has only every agreed or nodded along with the hole kids thing because he never wanted to hurt me. I know it may come across that he's a liar or manipulator - but that's not the case. That's another reason why I love him - he always thinks of me first and would do anything for me. I just worry that if we did have kids that he would be doing it for me, not because he wants them too.

A friend told me that if we did get pregnant, his paternal instincts would kick in - what man doesn't love their children once they have them? But I want him to want to start a family. Do any of you have any advice on how to gently encourage him that this is the right thing?

I know if I told him how I feel, he would have a baby with me tomorrow, but I want him to want one too.

I would never divorce him for this, I love him more then anything and wouldn't want to have children with anyone else

Thank you all for your input, greatly appreciate xx

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 11:18

Give him two years, max. If he's still adamant it's never, leave him

Be cautious if you do decide to give him a time scale. A man who would lie to get you to marry him would be more likely to lie to get you to stay with him. He could tell you what you want to hear, offer you a time by which he will have a child with you then fob you off with some excuse or other (work is busy, he wants to travel, not earning enough blah blah) until it is too late for you to have children.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/04/2015 11:20

OP he really hasnt put you first. He didnt want to tell you the truth so he lied to you rather than have an honest discussion and risk the relationship.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:22

SurlyCue

It's not that he lied to get me to marry him or anything like that, we've just never really had the discussion before. Probably because i'm not a maternal person or have ever been 'all about babies' - but now I am, i'm worried he will feel like I have lied to him as I have never expressed these feelings before.

Do you know a way I can encourage him that this is the natural thing to do as a couple? as he's only 25 too, do you think this could come with age?

Thank you

OP posts:

base9 · 13/04/2015 11:28

By the way, you said you are new to this forum, and I have noticed over the years that this is one of the very few issues that produces overwhelming agreement on here. It is simply not possible to compromise on children, and you should not bother trying.

This issue comes up regularly, although important details change (the age of the woman, length of relationship, whether the dp has lied or not about wanting children, or OP has changed her mind, etc). Have a search for other threads if that might help. It never ends well, although sometimes women do resign themselves to never having children, and they never do, and the marriage survives her disappointment and grief.

The worst outcomes seem to be this: couple stays married, she reaches late 30s/early 40s/later, then they split and he goes on to have children with a subsequent partner. And she cannot.

Seriouslyffs · 13/04/2015 11:30

Yes it might be because he's young.
But you can't count on that.
I'm a bit confused. Has he actually said, no kids no way. Or 'oh do you really want children, well if it's want you want...'
You know him, we don't.

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 11:31

what man doesn't love their children once they have them?

Are you joking? Take a look at the lone parent board or the relationship board and see how many men walk away from their children without a backwards glance.

Do any of you have any advice on how to gently encourage him that this is the right thing?

You cant gently encourage him that its the right thing, because for him it isnt. He doesnt want children. He doesnt want to be a parent. That is a valid decision, you cannot impose your wishes on him. Not on something as important as creating a child. What you need to do is sit down and have a full and frank discussion with him about whether he is certain he doesnt want children and decide whether you can live with that or not.

TheCraicDealer · 13/04/2015 11:33

Do not stick around thinking, "oh he might change his mind". If he thought there was a possibility that he might change his views he would say, " not now", when he's actually saying, "not ever". He's telling you how he feels, although it's a bit fucking late now.

If you want kids get out now. I know you must have been feeling that you were "sorted"- married, bought your first house, decent jobs, planning a family- but it's time to face up to the fact that he doesn't share that plan. Your mate is talking shit to be frank; all that would do is breed resentment and introduce a child into the world against the will of one of the parents. He might love the kid but always resent it.

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 11:35

Do you know a way I can encourage him that this is the natural thing to do as a couple

No. Because it isnt. It might feel like the natural thing to do for you but it isnt natural for everyone and you dont get to decide that someone else becomes a parent.

I have a feeling, however, that you have set your sights and wont be persuaded otherwise.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:38

Seriouslyffs

Sorry if this is confusing lol! new to the whole forum thingy!

Previously whenever having kids has come up, I've always said 'one day' and he would say yes one day, or 'no way' in a joking fashion as most young guys do when talking about children. We have never sat down and had a serious discussion before, so although he has said before 'one day', i've taken that seriously and thought that he would one day come around to the idea.
But during our chat at the weekend, he said that he wanted to be honest, and that he's never really wants to have children, and has never pictured himself as a dad. He said that if I wanted them, then he would have them with me because it's not worth losing me over. But I want him to want to be a dad.

It's hard to explain, because he's not really lied to me, he has said before in a joking way that 'no way' does he want kids, but as it was in a joking way I assumed he was joking because, lets face it, most young guys do say that they don't want kids - but when they get older they change their minds

does that make sense?

I really just wanted advise on how to help encourage him that having kids is the natural thing

thank you

OP posts:

base9 · 13/04/2015 11:40

what man doesn't love their children once they have them?

Oh, OP, it is a rather depressing fact of life that some men do walk away from their children and refuse to see them, try to pressure the mother into an abortion, never pay child support, say they were duped into fatherhood... the list goes on.

And he has told you he does not want children. He is not being horrible to think that way, plenty of people do not want children. We are all wary that he misled you, but you are young and perhaps did not discuss this clearly together. But his wish not to be a parent is every bit as valid as your desire for children. The problem for the two of you is the impossibility of compromise. You either have children or you do not.

Seriouslyffs · 13/04/2015 11:40

I'm the lone voice here I think not advising leave him right now.
Do any of your friends have children yet? If he's not known friends have children yet that's another reason to give him a little longer.

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