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Conception

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Original poster

Husband doesnt want children... what do i do?

89 replies

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 09:48

Hi All,

I'm a newbie to mumsnet, but didn't know where else to turn. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We are both 25 and bought our first home last summer. I am now ready to start a family and thought he would be too, but after a long (and tearful) discussion over the weekend, he told me that he never wants children. He said that he only ever agreed with me before to entertain me, but truthfully it's not something he ever wanted. I'm not the mumsy type and have never really talked about having kids, so maybe he thought I didn't want them too?

We have the perfect marriage and he couldn't be a better husband, and this is not something I would divorce him over. I just fear that if we do have a baby, he will resent me... or if we don't I will resent him.
I've read a lot of these blogs about this subject, and the majority of people are saying to wait and not pressure him... which is what I am doing. Bu I fear that by doing this, he will forget all about it and we will never have a baby.

I need any advice you can give me, because although I'm not your typical maternal girl, I have this feeling that I have to have a baby and I cant imagine never having one. trying to explain to him what this feeling is like is so hard, but I love him so much and want nothing more then to have a family with him.

please help :'(

OP posts:

specialsubject · 13/04/2015 16:49

there are people (of both genders) who start off never wanting children and then change their minds. There are people who never want children and never change their minds. There are also (sadly) people who have children and THEN change their minds, and that's not good. And there are a few people who are presented with children they didn't want and have to support, and that is also not good.

you know where you both are now, you don't know where you will be. In the meantime you need to double up on contraception to make sure it doesn't happen. The pressures of a baby can strain the strongest relationship when both partners want the baby. Do not even THINK of following your friends' advice.

I hope you can reach a happy ending, because of course there is no compromise on this one.

enucs123 · 13/04/2015 16:56

To be honest, 25 is very young for a man to want a baby. if he is sure that he absolutely, positively never ever wants children (there is usually a reason why a man would react this way, and it would be good to find out why), then that is a hurdle, but it is important to find out the reasons behind this. My husband is 31, I am 25 and we both absolutely want children, but I cant imagine he would have wanted children when he was 25!!

BathtimeFunkster · 13/04/2015 16:57

I agree with bunchoffives.

Two 25 year olds are figuring out whether to have children. They are both committed to each other and both willing to compromise to make the other happy.

I think your aim of being pregnant this year might have thrown him - he went from joking about never wanting kids to you deciding it had to happen right now!!!!

I think you should forget about having a baby soon. It's clearly not what he wants.

Then see how things go over the next few years. There really is no rush.

Momagain1 · 13/04/2015 17:01

A friend told me that if we did get pregnant, his paternal instincts would kick in - what man doesn't love their children once they have them?

Click over to the relationships board: there are plenty of men that dont love their children, even children they said all the right things about wanting and seemed to be wonderful fathers to. Until things changed and they didnt. Do not get pregnant until and unless he is pretty much begging for a child. Even then, if I were you, I dont know that I would ever be able to truly believe he has changed his mind on this.

When you discussed it before and he just sort of didnt actively agree or disagree maybe he told himself he wasnt lying if he didnt say anything in clear agreement, but it was a lie by omission. Start thinking, and I bet he does this on other subjects. Lets you think he agrees, or gives the impression that your choices are acceptable. It seems sweet and generous, but can be quite manipulative as he can twist it into you being demanding and inflexible, unable to compromise. The habit also means mistakes and problems are your fault, because you made the decision.

adelecarberry · 13/04/2015 17:20

I always find it odd that you wouldnt sit down dicuss having a family before choosing to get married. We had our daughter before we got married but we dicussed starting a family and it was always an option for us. Maybe your both at fault for not voicing your opinions and feelings. The fact of the matter regardless of how he treats you he stated he doesnt want children not that he doesnt want them now if im correct. Theres a big difference in that meaning and no matter what you say i doubt he will come around to the idea. As someone said to just get pregnant is unfair to you him and the unborn child.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 13/04/2015 18:08

If you bother to read the op you will see he agreed and nodded along.

They did discuss it.
He lied to her.

DaisyDuckSW15 · 13/04/2015 18:19

My husband didn't want children until he met me. A lot of that was an age thing. He just didn't feel ready before; he is settled in his career so could financially provide for us, his friends are becoming fathers too so that's seen as more normal. 25 is still very young. He may not feel grown up enough yet.
Give him time. Spend time with other couples who have children. Don't 'accidentally' get pregnant. Don't give up hope either. Good luck xxx

Smerlin · 13/04/2015 20:11

We are a couple where OH wasn't 100% on having a baby. He certainly never said never like yours but was always worried about something and wasn't sure. I gave it time as we were young and there was no rush.

After discussion he agreed to TTC and really got into that (!), was excited about the pregnancy and is now beyond devoted to DD.

However if he had been firmly against, I would have divorced him no matter how much I loved him. There was a stage when he was reluctant when I was having to seriously consider it. Having a life without a child was never an option for me, even if I had had to go it alone.

ScrambedEggAndToast · 13/04/2015 20:18

Both of your points of views are valid. You say you love your husband but you need to make the decision as to whether you love him enough to give up the idea of children without feeling resentment towards him. Maybe give it another five or so years and then if he still definitely doesn't want kids then personally I would seriously be thinking about looking for someone who wants kids. As you're both only 25, he may change his mind but if he hasn't changed his mind by 30 then you are still young enough to find someone else.

ScrambedEggAndToast · 13/04/2015 20:23

Oh and just a cautionary tale. A couple that I work with sound just like you guys. They are both quite ambitious and he kept saying to her that now wasn't the best time, work was busy etc, etc. Then she ended up having a relatively early menopause at around 43 so it never happened. They had been together for 18 years by then so plenty of time for her to find someone else had she left him when e started fobbing her off.

TwinkleStars15 · 13/04/2015 20:32

Bella, it's clear that you really love each other. My opinion, for what it's worth, is to wait, continue enjoying life, each other, having fun and have this chat in a few months time. I'd let him now know exactly how you are feeling (not to pressure him but to be honest) and tell him you'd like to talk about it again in the future at some point. Talk to each other, it's the best thing. If he loves you, and I'm sure he does, he will want to know how you're feeling. Be honest with each other.

Not everyone has 'the chat' before marriage and you shouldn't be condemned for that, that's not fair. I'm extremely maternal and cant wait to be a mum, but I also wouldn't leave dh, ever. If I needed it, he'd have counselling with me to help me accept his decision. It takes two people to be parents.

All the best

adelecarberry · 13/04/2015 20:49

Jolly nodding isnt really an indepth conversation is it?

willitbe · 13/04/2015 21:35

Perhaps sit down and work out a pro's / con's list separately, then compare them together. This way you both get to hopefully be very honest with yourself, before hopefully being honest with each other. Sometimes broodiness can be a real head vs heart dilemma, for both parties involved and talking it though can be really good for the relationship.

adelecarberry · 14/04/2015 00:27

I was conmending bella for not having a proper dicussion but the full blame cannot be on her husband. For us it was natural to dicuss us wanting children as our relationship progressed to that point. My comment is based on the fact many couples dicuss children prior to getting married if not have them before now a days

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