Husband doesnt want children... what do i do?

[BellaW123]

Hi All,

I'm a newbie to mumsnet, but didn't know where else to turn. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We are both 25 and bought our first home last summer. I am now ready to start a family and thought he would be too, but after a long (and tearful) discussion over the weekend, he told me that he never wants children. He said that he only ever agreed with me before to entertain me, but truthfully it's not something he ever wanted. I'm not the mumsy type and have never really talked about having kids, so maybe he thought I didn't want them too?

We have the perfect marriage and he couldn't be a better husband, and this is not something I would divorce him over. I just fear that if we do have a baby, he will resent me... or if we don't I will resent him.
I've read a lot of these blogs about this subject, and the majority of people are saying to wait and not pressure him... which is what I am doing. Bu I fear that by doing this, he will forget all about it and we will never have a baby.

I need any advice you can give me, because although I'm not your typical maternal girl, I have this feeling that I have to have a baby and I cant imagine never having one. trying to explain to him what this feeling is like is so hard, but I love him so much and want nothing more then to have a family with him.

please help :'(

mrsfazruns

Thank you, glad to hear marriage counselling helped. I think if we cant seem to reach a resolution that this will be our next option. And I also feel that way about marriage - this isn't a deal breaker for me as it would be for so many other women - but at the same time, I do want HIS child.
I wouldn't even consider leaving him over this, so maybe marriage counselling would be a good way to go

bunchoffives

Thank you so much. You are right, I no if I told him I really want a baby and want to start trying, he would agree as he would do anything to make me happy. And although a lot of people have said on this feed that you cant change someone's mind about this, i don't think that's true - people do change how they feel. I will give him time and hopefully my niece will show him that you can still have a social life and a child.

A small story for you. From the other sex's side but same as yours.

My DH had wanted kids from since as far as he can remember. He was always a "dadsy" type who was upfront with his first girlfriend that kids are definitely a goal of his vision of life. They got engaged at 23, having had this discussion and she said, yes, I too would deeply love kids, and let's get married first and in a year we can start trying.

They got married. After a year, she told him she didn't ever want kids, never wanted children, and had lied to him to spare his feelings.

Well, that thankfully ended in divorce. He is married to me now and we are expecting our first baby and he is 32, I am 30. We are happy.

In his book too, that giant lie about wanting kids and then admitting that that was actually a liter after getting married, was grounds for divorce.

Bella I think that's an amazing positive attitude to have!! A friend of mine was in same situation once and she said she married her husband because of who he was and because she chose HIM to spend the rest of HER life with ..... Not because of his sperm!! It made me giggle but was true! DH told me when he wanted and I didn't that he wouldn't leave me but it would make him unhappy at times!! That made me really sad!! Be honest with DH and reassure him that you love him no matter what and won't leave him but he needs to know his decision and actions make you sad inside xx

'people do change how they feel'

Yes, on their own terms and in their own time, if at all. You cannot change someone's mind for them. You need to be prepared for him not to change his mind on this issue. But in the meantime, ask him why he doesn't want children and listen to the answers. Even if they seem silly to you, listen to what he tells you and don't try to change his mind.

mrsfazruns

Yes lol that's how I think - him not his sperm!
He is just so amazing and having his child would be like the cherry on top of the cake.... But the cake on its own is still pretty delicious! (bad pun?!)
I'll talk to him and see what he says... i wanted to be pregnant by the end of this year but im not in a hurry. I'll let you know and hopfully things will get better in time

Hi Bella
firstly apologies but i haven't read all the previous replies, so sorry if my POV isnt new.

I've been with my DH about 13 years, for most of those we both said we didn't want children, because it was true at the time. in the last couple of years (I'm 34) i've started to feel more broody and have dropped hints that I'm not so anti-baby anymore. eventually late last year we ahd the 'talk' ...long story short, he's still not 100%, and I said I didn't want to force him (wouldn't choose a baby over him - I wanted his children not any children), I gave him time to digest (couple of months) and now I'm a few weeks pg...he's still a bit hesitant/worried but I'm sure he'll be fab when it becomes more real.

So my point is don't give up hope; you're still young; I wouldn't try to pursuade him as such, but gentle casual mentions/chats perhaps; do you spend much time with children? would you be the first of your close friends to have a baby?...we are not by a long way but I can imagine it'd be harder to envisage life with a baby if you're the first. perhaps he's worried about the changes it will bring, about how he'd support you etc etc. does he have any dad friends?

good luck, he'll probably come round :)

I have no idea when you should talk to him. Give it a few weeks or months, to make things clearer in your mind. You have to know WHEN you want kids, and picture being childless your whole life - is it an acceptable possibility? I never, never wanted not to have children, but I have a friend who has loads of plans for a fulfilling happy child-free life. She pictures herself old, childless and happy.

To me it looks straightforward: you want kids, he said he will have them. You don't want to divorce him. So you go on, discuss if you'd be happy with one child or if you want more - get pregnant, start your family and hope for the best. Your marriage may not survive. Or it may be just fine.

DH and I always wanted children. We had them and since DS1 was born our marriage is not going well. So, in the end you never know. (it sounds bitter but my point is that there's only so much you can plan)

He lied to you. A fucking great big whooper to manipulate you in to staying with him.

How can you believe anything he will ever say again.

He is very cruel and there is no way I would choose his path way rather than the one you wanted to take.

bella he nodded along for purely selfish reasons. He wanted you. He didn't want to lose you. He was willing to lie to get it. If he loved and respected you that much he would have been honest.

Men feel broody too - don't treat him as if he needs specail treatment. Dp is desperate for another but I'm still thinking about it.

I read this as code for 'if you want children then don't expect me to raise a finger'

You wouldn't need to go to the expense of a divorce - announcing after the marriage that he doesn't want children is grounds for annulment...

OP I really feel for you. It is something that he should have brought up a long time ago. Unfortunately you cannot make someone want children and if you were to get pregnant without his 'consent' it probably would be a deal breaker for him :(

He said that he only ever agreed with me before to entertain me
That would have completely floored me

he always thinks of me first and would do anything for me
No I'm sorry but he wouldn't. He went along with you for an easier ride for himself. He put himself first at enormous cost to you. It was extremely selfish and inconsiderate to not realise or even think about, the impact of his lie on you.

what man doesn't love their children once they have them?
Even if them love them, which many don't, it doesn't mean that they lift a finger or pay a penny towards the children they made it clear they didn't want in the first place.

You are minimising this. He should have been honest with you before you got married. By doing the whole going along with it if it's something you really want, it gives him a get out to do anything he wants to do.

I think he's just scared of failing as a parent
Where on earth do you get that idea from! That makes NO sense whatsoever.

I don't think you should pack your bags just yet, but I do think you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship. Him going along with things to make you happy, is fine if all he's doing is going shopping on a Saturday afternoon, or watching a chick flick rather than an action movie, but it's not fine when it's bringing a child into this world. He is choosing the path of least resistance rather than being extremely considerate and loving. Some things in life, he needs to be open and honest about, and sometimes that means having a difficult conversation.
I would talk to him soon and start by saying, I've been thinking about our conversation the other day, and this is how I feel - not just about your desire for children, but his approach to your relationship.

It staggers me how some women will go to great lengths to excuse their partners behaviour rather that actually look at the cold hard truth.

If he knew he didn't ever want children he definitely should have made this very clear to you prior to marriage. I'm pretty sure mine mentioned his desire for children after about 3 dates.
I guess now all you can do is have a very frank discussion about it, explain how important it is to you. It could be that one day he changes his mind but you can't rely on that.

And although a lot of people have said on this feed that you cant change someone's mind about this, i don't think that's true - people do change how they feel

I agree with Lottapianos. People do change how they feel, yes, but you can't make someone change their mind - that's the difference. Your DH may change his mind, he may not.

Have that conversation with your DH - it may go better than you think. If not, you have some serious thinking to do. Whether to have a baby with him even though he's not 100% keen, or whether to stay childless, or whether to end it and look for someone else.

Wow that people get married without a clear understanding of each others views on this. A recipe for problems.
Good luck with this op.

Your both my age. None of my friends want children right now, most can't even imagine it. Why are you so keen so young? Perhaps he will be happy to later when you are both older?

My DH never wanted children but realised he would lose me if we didn't have them. Ten years on and. 2ds later he is the most magical dad ever. I will never forget him crying at both their births but to this day he says that he would not change anything he would not have pursued starting a family if I didn't want to.

needa your completly missing the point.

It's pretty worrying that you have posted this in "conception" and not in say, "relationships".

Why on EARTH did you not have this conversation BEFORE getting married? Are there any massive life subjects that you haven't discussed?

You cannot force your husband to want children. You just can't. You have to take what he is telling you at face value. However, I would make it clear to him that if he is so desperate not to have children, then he needs to take responsibility for an effective form of contraception. You don't want him to rely on you taking the pill, the pill failing for some reason, and him believing that you tricked him into it.

If he is that against it, ask him if he would be willing to be sterilised. That should make him have to really think if having children is something he definitely NEVER wants, or just something he doesn't want right now (and quite right, you're only 25 fgs).

It's very controlling to want to force someone to WANT something. He may be willing to start a family in a few years time in order to appease you (which doesn't mean he gets to shirk off parental responsibilities either). But you can't make him WANT to do it. You just can't.

You have to talk about it and decide if:

a) You definitely want children, and he would be willing to start trying for a family in an agreed time period (which you would have to set in stone and prepare yourself to leave if he changes his mind)
b) You can live without children forever.
c) You definitely want children, he definitely doesn't, and you part ways.

There is no way you can fundamentally change your relationship so that you both suddenly magically want the same thing.

I will add here that there is a special circle of hell for people who "accidentally/deliberately" get pregnant against their partners wishes. Bear that in mind and do NOT go down that route.

I was with a DP for several years and surreptitiously tried to get pg even though he had made it really clear he did not want kids.

I am so, so glad (a) I didn't succeed in my attempts to get pg secretly (b) I moved on from that relationship.

A child born from secrecy and against the wishes of one parent would undoubtedly suffer. Think of the potential child, please, not only yourself.

Is there anything in his family background that might put him off? I know that an ex of mine was quite messed up in his teenage years, when his mother ran off with someone else. He was absolutely adamant that he didn't want marriage or children.

Years later he had a big church wedding and now a couple of kids - although his wife is at least ten years younger.

DH and I both agreed before we married (age 28 and 30) that neither of us thought we wanted kids - but recognised we might change our minds. As we had married on the understanding that kids wouldn't be part of the picture then if one of us changed our minds we agreed we wouldn't pressurise the other one. Two years into marriage DH decided he wanted them. He told me this, I said I still didn't and we agreed to discuss again in a year rather than have it hanging over it constantly. Six months later I decided we should go for it and we now have two DC.

Point of my story is that (a) we discussed it properly before marriage, which you should have done; (b) agreed it had to be joint decision to go for it; (c) he took the pressure off and I came round to his view - if he had gone on about it I would probably have dug my heels in. I do think you are young and I'm not surprised he doesn't want them and can't see himself ever doing so - same as we didn't at that age. My advice would be to discuss again, tell him how you feel but then take the pressure off and agree to not bring it up again for six months or a year. He might never change his mind but he may well.

I have known couples in this position divorce over it, and another who now have a baby and he thinks it's the best thing ever.

It depends on whether you believe he is worth risking not having them for. He may or may not change his mind.

Do you have any friends your age with children? I know various men who turned their mind to becoming a dad once their peers began having a family - I think because it wasn't as scary. / grown up / odd / limiting to do it, as it is when you are the first in your social circle