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Original poster

Husband doesnt want children... what do i do?

89 replies

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 09:48

Hi All,

I'm a newbie to mumsnet, but didn't know where else to turn. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 2. We are both 25 and bought our first home last summer. I am now ready to start a family and thought he would be too, but after a long (and tearful) discussion over the weekend, he told me that he never wants children. He said that he only ever agreed with me before to entertain me, but truthfully it's not something he ever wanted. I'm not the mumsy type and have never really talked about having kids, so maybe he thought I didn't want them too?

We have the perfect marriage and he couldn't be a better husband, and this is not something I would divorce him over. I just fear that if we do have a baby, he will resent me... or if we don't I will resent him.
I've read a lot of these blogs about this subject, and the majority of people are saying to wait and not pressure him... which is what I am doing. Bu I fear that by doing this, he will forget all about it and we will never have a baby.

I need any advice you can give me, because although I'm not your typical maternal girl, I have this feeling that I have to have a baby and I cant imagine never having one. trying to explain to him what this feeling is like is so hard, but I love him so much and want nothing more then to have a family with him.

please help :'(

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 11:40

I really just wanted advise on how to help encourage him that having kids is the natural thing

I know you did, but for the third time- you cant! It isnt the natural thing. It is a lifestyle choice and no-one is wrong for choosing not to have kids. You would be very wrong to either guilt trip him or use peer pressure to make someone agree to creating a child with you.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:42

SurlyCue

I think he's just scared of failing as a parent. I just thought that if I could gently encourage him, he might come round to the idea. He is very loving and would be an amazing dad. We have an 8month old niece who he adores, but I fear that the reason he's reluctant to have our own children is because he's scared of failure.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:42

SurlyCue

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Ewuakua · 13/04/2015 11:45

I want to disagree all the calls for divorce. My DP wasn't very keen on the idea of kids, he said maybe could do it when he's 40. Now he's 30 he's quite liking the idea and we're now trying. What helped is actually seeing friends having children and not losing their social life. Can you get him speak to friends who are parents but haven't lost their sense of fun. Get you husband to see that you will be the same couple with or without children. Keep having the conversation with him ane make sure youre both honest! 25 is still young so see what happens but maybe set yourself a deadline for plan b.

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 11:46

I think he's just scared of failing as a parent
I fear that the reason he's reluctant to have our own children is because he's scared of failure.

You really need to stop guessing what is going on in his head and actually talk to him, but more importantly you need to LISTEN very carefully to what he is telling you. He told you before marriage "no way" and you chose to believe it was a joke, he is now telling you he never wants children and cant see himself as a father, yet again, you are choosing to believe he means something different. You are setting yourself up for massive heartache if you keep convincing yourself he doesnt really mean it.

Sit down and have a totally honest conversation. Get a definitive answer from him and LISTEN to it. Dont try and pretend he is saying something different that better suits your plans.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:47

Seriouslyffs

Yes we have a niece that is 8months and he adores her. Do you think he could be scared of failure?

I am never going to divorce him over this, I love him to much and will respect his views if this is his final decision.

OP posts:

hedgehogsdontbite · 13/04/2015 11:47

There is a chance that he might change his mind as he gets older but I don't think it's wise to gamble on that. As others say, it'll lead to so much resentment.

My DH was adamant that he didn't want children when we met and married. I did want a child with him but was genuinely happy to be with him without a child. We were 35 when out of the blue he said he might have changed his mind. Cue 5 years of desperately TTC. When I passed 40 I knew we'd missed the bus. 2 years later DS was born.

DH was completely floored by the feelings he had for his son. He's said that he wished he could have imagine what being a dad would feel like when he was 25, because he would have had lots of children if he'd known. But he couldn't imagine it. All he could see was dirty nappies, sleepless nights, curtailed freedoms etc.

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 11:50

Do you think he could be scared of failure?

No-one here can tell you what he is thinking. You have to ask him.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:52

SurlyCue

Thank you for your honesty. I will sit down with him again soon - maybe in a month or so. I don't want to pressure him, and although it might seem like im making excuses for him, maybe I have been pressuring him.

I've seen other forums where women have said something similar about their husbands, and that in time, they do change their minds.

OP posts:

myexcitinglife · 13/04/2015 11:52

I think you're making it more complicated than it is. It seems that you never discussed the topic - and you married him anyway (I know a couple who did that and now they have one child, husband refuses to have a second, wife is bitter because she wants more. But since they never discussed the topic, it's no one's fault).

From what I understand, he said that if you want to have children, he will. So, you have 2 options: find another man or have children with him anyway (since he's agreed, you're not deceiving anyone). It may work out well, it may not. But you can't force him to desperately want to have children.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 13/04/2015 11:55

Some men do change their minds but some don't. Some say they want children then can't face up to the reality and leave. We can't tell you what is going on in your husbands mind only he can but if you decide to stay and wait it out it has to be on the understanding that you may never have children, he may never be ready.

AllHopeGone · 13/04/2015 11:56

Don't compromise. As an early thirties woman struggling with infertility, my advice to you would be to leave. The urge only gets stronger, you will think you can suppress it but you can't. It will lead to a miserable existence. He doesn't want children, you do. It will end in tears.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 11:56

hedgehogsdontbite

This is what I think will happen to him. As soon as we were to have one, I know he would be amazing, and I don't want to waste my youth (and fertility) for him to turn around in 10 years and say he wants to start trying.

Again - this is why I started the chat, because I no a lot of guys do change their minds as they get older

OP posts:

lunar1 · 13/04/2015 11:56

He can change his mind any time. You could spend your fertile years trying to change his mind. And that feeling you have will only get stronger with time.

It is a very real possibility that he could change his mind when your fertile years are gone.

He could just leave and find someone else to give him a child. It can and does happen.

VipersBosom · 13/04/2015 12:00

OP, are you honestly prepared not to have children for the sake of this man? Would you rather be married to him than to have the child you so much want? Because that is quite likely what this boils down to, a simple either/or decision.

If you'd been longer on the board, you would see numerous agonised posts from women who were with men who said the same thing as your DH, and who were getting to their mid or late 30s - in some cases, after the relationship ended, the men went on to have a child with a new partner, while the woman remained childless. It's a deeply difficult situation.

You need to listen to what your husband is telling you. It's possible he will change his mind, yes, but certainly not inevitable, and I don't think you should put it on the long finger because you're young and have fertile years to spare. Ask yourself if you will wish you had acted differently if you could see into the future and know that you will be childless at 30, or childless at 35. Because, to be brutally honest, if you know that you really want a child, it will be easier to find a new partner who does want children sooner rather than later, to give yourself the best possible chance of having children.

And I echo other posters - having children is not the 'natural' thing to do. For some people it is, for others, absolutely not. He is telling you it is not for him. Thinking you can 'gently persuade' him otherwise is a long road to nowhere. You cannot make someone want a child he doesn't want. And having an 'accidental' pregnancy in the hope he would love a child he didn't want or plan would be a huge - and immoral - risk.

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 12:00

As soon as we were to have one, I know he would be amazing,

You dont know. You hope. So much so that you have convinced yorself he would be amazing but you have no guarantee of that and you cannot take that risk on a child. Not an innocent child who deseres to have two willing parents. You cannot reverse that decision if he turns out not to be amazing and finds out that he was right all along- that he didnt want children.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 12:01

myexcitinglife

Thanks for your comment. he did say that if I really wanted children then he would have them with me because he never wants to lose me.
When do you think it would be a good time for me to bring this topic up again, as we only spoke about it on Saturday

You are right in the sense that 'it's no-ones fault' that we are in this situation, I am as much to blame as I never expressed my desire to have children until now.

And although I appreciate everyone's comments, I am never going to divorce him over this. I would rather be with him childless then not at all

OP posts:

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 13/04/2015 12:03

OP, I'd pause for a while and reflect. You've been given some honest and clear opinions on here but if this were me, I wouldn;t make any decisions just yet.
25 is very very young. I'm 43 and can't believe I was married to my exH at 24!!!
I was your DH at that age. Luckily my then DH thought the same. hated kids - noisy, annoying little balls of nuisance. We travelled the world, partied, had lots of fun.

And then I got older and hit 30. Boom - the desire to have kids hit me and didn't go away. Amazingly, my then DH was the same and seemed keen to, only, well by then I'd sort of stopped loving him and found I'd got married too young.
We divorced and I met DP (soon to be DH). We have 2 amazing children, DD 6 and DS 3.

They are the best thing in the world and I pinch myself everyday and really dislike me at 25!

So, my point is this. You love DH, you want kids, you want him to want kids as much as you. This may never happen or he may change over time as he gets older, so might you.
You have to decide what your tipping points are. At 25 you have enough breathing space to think. At 30, not so much.
You know him best - would he walk off if you did get pg? It's very hard but everyone is different. I have one friend who is 52 who bitterly regrets not having kids with now exH. She wanted to, he didn't. They divorced 2 yrs ago and she, in her eyes, has been left with nothing.
Yet my other friend has a DH who was very reluctant. He agreed to try half heartedly. They had a baby girl followed by a son. He adores them. He doesn't want anymore and wasn't very keen to have a second but now he has them, he wouldn;t be without them.

I think the long point I'm making is everyone is different and things may change or they may not but it is a hard way ahead for you as you have decisions to make. Can you go away and have a really proper talk of the pros and cons? Explore reasons?

Lottapianos · 13/04/2015 12:03

'You really need to stop guessing what is going on in his head and actually talk to him, but more importantly you need to LISTEN very carefully to what he is telling you'

This. You need to separate fantasy from reality OP. He is not a child who can be manipulated into thinking and feeling what you want him to. He is telling you very clearly that he does not want to be a father. He might change his mind - well yes, so might you. How would you feel if he was biding his time waiting for your (as he saw it) silly little idea about having a baby to pass? Would you be ok with that, or would you be furious with him for not taking you seriously?

As for the friend who advised you to go ahead and that his 'paternal instincts' would kick in when the baby arrived, please ignore that nonsense and never take advice from her ever again. As another poster said, you don't get to choose to make another person a parent against their will. For some people, there is nothing 'natural' at all about becoming a parent. It's not for everyone. Listen to what he is telling you.

SurlyCue · 13/04/2015 12:06

OP i think that if you do choose to stay with your DH then you really both should think about getting some guidance on how to communicate better with each other. There seems to be a lot going unsaid or misinterpretted. It is odd that you are asking strangers what he is thinking and when would be best to bring the subject up again. You are married to him, after 5 years you should know when best to bring subjects up with him. (Personally i would have the discussion now while it is fresh rather than let it slide for another few months) but do try and get some help with your communication. It will make your lives a lot less stressful if you are both sying exactly what you think and understanding exactly what is being said.

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 12:10

Thank you so much for your comments.

I've definitely had some mixed responses but will bare (mostly) all of them in mind.

I will sit with him and discuss this again, and really get him to open up. As many of you have said, I would never want to make a child knowing his heart truly isn't in it.

We are young and very much in love, but I'm not stupid in thinking that we will both think this way forever. I could change my mind as much as him.

I do think some of you have a point about him enjoying our life as it is, and not wanting to change that. I think this is a big factor for him. But again, I will need to talk to him again to see if this is truly how he feels.

Thank you all for commenting and baring with me - im new at this!

OP posts:

Original poster

BellaW123 · 13/04/2015 12:14

SurlyCue

Thank you so much for your input - truthfully I don't have a lot of girl friends to talk to about things like this, so thought i'd turn to the internet for solace!
I will bare in mind the communication counselling - and again I think ive assumed he would want children when the time comes, and he's assumed I don't want them as we had never really talked previously. But as you said, we've assumed and not actually spoken - until now

I will update you all on what he says, its hard to explain to men what this 'broody' feeling is like!!

OP posts:

mrsfazruns · 13/04/2015 12:17

I'm not in agreeance that you should instantly leave!! Marriage is a journey and needs work to be put into all the nooks and crannies!! He should have "lied" but just let him know that it hurt you!

I was in a the opposite boat to you .... It was ME who didn't want any and my husband "agreed to humour me" and I was happy thinking we were going to be just us forever!! BUT he then told me he did and I said its kids or divorce!! He talked me into marriage counselling and it took 3 sessions to discuss!! I'm not TTC with everything I've got and can't wait!

dont give up yet but do talk an talk and talk and talk!! You obviously love each other!! Xx

ChangingTiming · 13/04/2015 12:21

I would talk to him soon, not wait a month, as otherwise you'll be holding back on your emotions when talking about what it have for tea etc. There will be a tiny issue that eats away at both of you. You need to be open too and tell him what you've told us.
Lots of people do change their mind about children over the years, but you need to be sure.
To put it in perspective, I have a disability and always wanted children, unbelievably maternal. Now I can't have children the traditional way, my husband still wants to be with me whether we have children or not. We want to be together whatever happens and children would be awesome. He would rather be with me and no children than even think about anything else.

bunchoffives · 13/04/2015 12:24

I think you're in a very good position in some ways OP:-

He has said if you want one he will agree - so ultimately you won't be left feeling bereft and cheated

You have said you will not leave him to find someone else who actively wants children with you, so you don't have to decide which you want more husband or baby - because you've already chosen husband (and in any case he's already chosen you + baby rather than nothing

You have time on your side.

My advice, leave it a year or two more. Enjoy freedom, see that niece plenty. Then go for it and trust he'll be as good as his word and go along with you because he wants you to have what you want.

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