Thankyou so much everyone. I am feeling ok.
When I had my scan, and at the start I was told, baby measures 8+2, so right on with the other scan, and there's a heartbeat! I was so relieved, then I asked her how fast the heart was, and she said, it's coming up as 96, which can't be right, so that must be your heartbeat (I was really nervous, so a bit fast, but likely mine), then she couldn't find baby's heartbeat and had to do an internal scan. Sadly, no heartbeat was found.
After the initial relief, it was a bit of a blow, but then somehow I expected it. My reaction, though sad, is different to the first two times. I am much more accepting and resigned. The first time, I was in complete shock and very devastated. The second time, I also couldn't believe it. I thought, if it had happened once to me, surely not again? Then I got very angry and upset. This time, I just feel, well, a bit detached and not really wanting to let it upset me too much. I suppose I had a bit of a meltdown emotionally after the first scan, when I was told the enlarged yolk sac was associated with poor outcomes. Perhaps, since then, despite wanting the opposite to be true, I just new it wouldn't turnout ok.
I've had no spotting or bleeding. My body thinks it is still pregnant - last night my boobs were very tender and I felt sick. I will go in for an erpc tomorrow, they will phone me today with the time. I'd rather not deal with any of it, but I can't go the natural route as I just can't have the uncertainty what with work and children.
I have so much to be grateful for: 5 healthy children. Now after 5 losses I can say I have had enough of trying for my 6th child (I always thought I'd have 6, that was my "complete" family). I gave it my best shot, ttc for 5 years is no easy feat, but now I will move on to other things.
I can't believe I am going to see my Dr about getting contraception after this. I have no idea where to start.
I will probably return to the thread to see how everyone else is getting on, but I can say, without doubt, that I won't be ttc again. As lovely as it was to get the bfp, being pregnant, in the first tri, after miscarriage is just too hard, and I don't think my mental health could do it again. I am planning holidays (Annie, my plan is sun and infinity pool, too 
), thinking about a future without a small child, ready to move on. I wish you all the luck in the world for bfps and easy first trimesters, and lovely babies in your arms. 
xxx