Husband won't let me have babies!

[Acceber]

Hello everyone, I'm new to the forum. And because I'm here everyone will deduce that I'm desparate for a baby but my husband won't let me. We got married in June and now he says we should wait and enjoy our lives before we have kids. He wants to start trying in 2009! As I'm in control of the contraception I'm having bad, sneaky thoughts about forgetting my pill.... Has anyone done this or is it wrong! wrong! wrong!

He's moved the goalposts, as others have said, and left you feeling hurt and a bit angry with him.

Don't "do it back to him" by getting pregnant "accidentally on purpose" - makes you no better than him.

Talk to him. Ask him why he doesn't feel ready yet. DH was a bit hesitant about having babies - he didn't like them much, had never had anything to do with them (avoided where possible - saw them as unpredictable shouting things who made mess both ends - fairly accurate, really ). But we were forced into trying really, as I was told I'd never have children and we decided to go down the road of assisted conception, because we knew that we did want children eventually.

And he is the best dad now - very involved, very hands-on, patient, loving, kind - I love watching him with the boys.

So don't make this into a battle. Just find out what's worrying him so much. I don't think it's a terrible thing to wait to have babies or to have them now - but it has to be because you're both happy to, or it could be the end of your marriage.

Good luck with it - and do try counselling if you can't get anywhere just talking to him.

I'd agree with Duchess and talk about coming off the pill - it wouldn't commit you to TTC but would give you an idea of what your natural cycle is etc.

FWIW I got married at 26 and was desperate to start a family ASAP. DH wanted to wait so we started TTC when I was 29 then it took 4 years to get pg so I ended up having my family in my mid 30s rather than mid 20s......

I think a lot of people can forget that men's fertility doesn't decline with age the way women's does & that you're not necessarily going to get pg as soon as you start to try.

I would say don't have children with someone who isn't 100% committed to having them. My dh wasn't certain he wanted them at all but I talked him round. Now he loves them to bits but it is a hard slog sometimes when I need more help than he gives me knowing that it was me who wanted them more than him.

Acceber, I really feel for you and hope he comes round. I like you got married in June and for me, I know now is the right time for me and I am just lucky that DH feels the same. We have been togather 5 years and lived together all of that time so we've had plenty of time on our own. DH still worries about the financial implications of having a baby and hopefully, he won't worry continually when I do fall pregnant but he is in the same place. I'm 33 in a few weeks and (DH is just a couple of weeks younger). I always thought I would have had kids years ago but for me, it had to be the right man and I had to have a ring on my finger before I was in the right frame of mind. I hope you get things sorted soon. It must be causing you a lot of stress and sadess .

hi there, my advice is try and talk DH round as i waited and found out i was infertile...after I V F treatment still no children..we are adopting a baby early next year..time is precious

I would try explaining Duchesse's therem to him: a baby in 2009 means conceiving (or beginning to ttc- explain it can take years) in 2007; then you need to be off the pil for two months etc etc etc-

just to see how he reacts.

It may give you some ideas on how likely he really si to change the goal posts agin. Alternatively you could say ' I'm worried you will change the goalposts agin and I feel you have taken a very important decision without consulting me'. You need to establish if it's just not ready-ness, which is understandable, or if he's backing down on the baby bit- in which case my love, you have a lot of thinking to do.

Tell him you are coming off the pill to give your body a break - this is a very good idea. From now on contraception is up to him.
and keep talking.
get other positive male influence onto him - he may have heard stories from his male friends about "no more sex now we have a baby" etc etc
so he needs also to spend time with some happy Dads who still see enough action. hem hem.
we had a very child negative friend over, he was chatting to DexH about how his partner wanted a child and he didn't. I took him upstairs to see our two asleep in their cot and bed - and asked him wht the big deal was, why was he scared. they have a lovely dd now - extremely spoiled by her doting Dad.
good luck

When I started dating my husband (I had known him as a friend of a friend for 10 years)he was a confirmed batchelor.He said he wanted nothing heavy,no marriage or kids.

I moved in 6 weeks later, we had a child 2 years later and got married when she was 6 months old as I went to arrange baptism and priest said he would marry us (I was a divorced catholic)DH was gobsmacked when I came back and he said 'have you booked it?' and I said yes and we are getting married too!!

Now hes as happy as Larry and loves his life.In my experience, most men need a kick up the arse and tbh i put my cards on the table.I was 36 when i had dd and I had waited long enough.I said if you want me then we are going to have a baby,end of.

Might sound harsh to some of you, but if something is that important to you then it should be for them to.

Does he mean 2009? If so, I'd say stick with 2009. If he means 'oh hell I'm "not ready"' I'm...well, I'm not sure what I'm recommending.

Some people - women as well as men - do change their minds over time about whether they want children. My partner split up with a girlfriend in his 20s because she wanted children and he didn't. When I met him in his 30s, he'd moved to a point where he did vaguely want them. But it isn't something you can guarantee, at all - so please don't hang in there assuming he'll change his mind.

A couple more baby-free years, though, that sounds gooooood