Step AWAY from the pissy sticks and get back in the bedroom, don your cape (but don't break his banjo string!) and get yourself a bun in the oven like Paul Hollywood! It's Just Shagging 31!

[Leela5]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!  PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.  Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 30 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2210024-The-Truth-about-Um-Bongo-Broken-Penises-and-Sad-Fleas-its-all-here-just-dont-talk-about-the-Elephant-in-the-Womb-Pee-on-Nigel-Farage-or-in-a-Thermos-and-Join-the-Bonkers-Bonkers-for-JS-30" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?msgid=50290589#50290589" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

I think the test line has to be the same as the control line but mine have never been, guess it depends on the time of day you test.
Mine have been mostly neg this cycle so I'll wait for the wtf cycle to fuck off so I can get started again properly.

It is indeed an OPK. I am on CD7 FFS! Well, the shagathon is definitely commencing tonight, then!

You'll know tomorrow - it'll either be darker, or if it's the same or lighter it means you probably iced at some point in the night.

Haha Lil, piss by post for conception purposes is just about allowed. But poo for pleasure? (sick face). What do they do with it?

tink what do you watch?!?! pmsl!!

Lemon looks that way!

Send back! I've never done that. It was only £2.99, not sure i can be bothered!

lemon it's not as dark as control so make sure to do another same time tomorrow. I have had 2 "positives" some cycles. often second one is slightly darker. definitely get shagging!

Wtf!?! lemon you fit right in here! You've just offered to give away your cm to someone else. Oh. My. God. Hands down the winner of the gross!

I also read somewhere that you can use egg white as a cm replacement - actual egg white!

just no

tink eh? Could I put it up my chuffed and be fertile? or could I send it on knickers to a perv?

Leela, I would only give CM to you guys, as you have so kindly helped me on my shagging adventures. To everyone else I'd be selling it...you'll never get rich with charity

That's the spirit lemon!!

Too right girl (clicks fingers, circular head movement a la Beyoncé badass)

Poo is raining out my arse again. I don't think even Mr La would want to have bum sex with me :(

GET THE TUPPERWARE!!!!

You could put it up your chuff ga!! Personally its preseed all the way for me but apparently its true!i've never read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, honest Might give lemon some ideas with her new enterprise though....

Poor La if it makes you feel any better I have the opposite problem, at least I have realised the source of my aches and pains! Must. Eat. More. Fibre.

Mr. Tink looks sad he wants to go to the pub but i've not fed him yet. I'm going on a Stepford wives mission I think. Fish Pie in the oven, Bread in the machine and a cake to bake in the morning.....

X post. lmao lemon

Its all got a little surreal in here now.

DH is in the hot tub. I am refusing, on the basis that its fucking freezing outside. Shag later hopefully.

Omg!! lemon! That's gross and ace all at the same time!!!

Have negotiated with dh, if he actually has a shave tonight he'll get lucky with me later. Not actually told him I'm at peak fertility so he was getting it anyway- have to use it to full advantage obvs!!!!

DH is being super annoying and knows it, and now I am desperate to not reward his behaviour with a shag. I am now a slave to the OPK and must do it anyway, as the pissy stick says so.

(If we conceive tonight he is definitely changing the first poo explosion happy where it goes all up their back)

Ha! If you didn't know what you guys were talking about then the conversation you all had about where to put the thermometer earlier was hilarious!

'It says it's meant to go up the bum'
'Mine says it's better to go vaginally'
'Well I take mine in my mouth'

Hee hee...

Question about eggs gaggia as you seem to be the expert...mine come from my friend's chickens. Is this bad when upduffed? It's organic, but I wondered about higher risk of Salmonella? I've just done some quick googling and it seems to be general opinion that they would be lower risk because you know what the hens have been fed on and also it's cleaner process than with the commercial production (i.e. loads of eggs in same area)

Envious of your day kato! My day was very serious and hard work and I had massive headache because I didn't have my usual coffee and I was very tired. I put my head down on my desk for a wee nap :)

noniks these people sound so insensitive :( I'm so angry on your behalf! and
Cunt chops is indeed an appropriate response.

tink you sound fed up lovely, don those disco pants and get shagging! just don't break the banjo

Oh yes! I forgot about the piss by post! kato how long did you end up doing that for?

So this morning when I woke up to take my first temp... The reading flashed 36.16 and then flashed 37.00. Seems to be the same today when I tried it out again to see what happened. It flashes up a reading followed by 37.00... Why viroids, why?

I thought salmonella had been eradicated in British eggs/ poultry. So if they were bred here then should be ok? x

Yeah me too popz I think it's fine.,.

lemon that sounds faulty