Step AWAY from the pissy sticks and get back in the bedroom, don your cape (but don't break his banjo string!) and get yourself a bun in the oven like Paul Hollywood! It's Just Shagging 31!

[Leela5]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in!  PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't? 

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Option decorations include photographs of political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession.  Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedinging!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

The link to Part 30 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2210024-The-Truth-about-Um-Bongo-Broken-Penises-and-Sad-Fleas-its-all-here-just-dont-talk-about-the-Elephant-in-the-Womb-Pee-on-Nigel-Farage-or-in-a-Thermos-and-Join-the-Bonkers-Bonkers-for-JS-30" target="_blank">here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2217843-Just-Shagging-Grads-14-Join-the-viroids-for-scanxiety-Toni-Braxtons-a-little-less-JSing-than-usual?msgid=50290589#50290589" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

Happy shagging, shaggers!

Good luck with the exam Lil!

Good luck lil!!!

indigo brown is good! Red is af, brown could be ib.

Unless it's af you're not out!

jelly my AF is due in a week too. Poas buddies?

Cats sound fun, we have 2 dogs but they are working dogs (country folk) so they don't live in my cream carpeted house. They are a red saluki lurcher cross and a black lab. They like cuddles but they have jobs so are very busy boys.

Good luck Lil! Hope all that revision paid off

You're all still in by the sounds of it. Really hoping to hear some BFP stories by the end of the week.

My cat is in the doghouse. She's peed on DD's new rainbow mat and DH is away for a couple of days so I'm going to have to clean it. Not good on a dicky tummy.

Gaggia done, we will POAS together :) When are you testing? My frustration is that obviously my AF last month was my first one for 5 years, so I have no idea if AF is going to arrive on time this month (she better!). But assuming I have clockwork cycles like I used to before Depo, she should come Tuesday :)

Your dogs sound gorgeous, esp the saluki cross. Saluki's are one of my dream breeds! I would love a dog, but it doesn't fit with our lifestyle (out of the house +10 hours a day weekdays). DP has said when we have a baby we can get a dog! :D But for now the cats are like little dogs for me, my Ragdoll even plays fetch!

Chat that's not good, how come the cat peed on it? :(

thanks everyone. driving up there now (well dh is driving) and going to have Costa lunch before I go in. have bought myself a big bar of galaxy for afterwards!

Good luck lil

GX that you're all still in - wants some good BFPs this fred!!

chat nasty cat!! feel for you! although i think i would have to do it in my house anyway if it was us - DH doesn't "do" things like that lol!!!

Took you're advice re the cape - almost didn't happen though, just wasn't feeling it last night, thank god i'd warned DH he was on a promise or it wouldn't have happened!

Good luck Lil! Gx for you!

Good Luck lil !!

And all you twotters - glad no one is out yet x

Good luck lil!

And thanks to all of you. Without you viroids, I'm not sure I would have got out of bed this morning. I have spent the day cleaning to take my mind off potential AF although may have done a 10 minutely pant check

Because she's a fussy little shit, that's why. It was raining so she'd pood in her litter tray, which obviously means she then couldn't do a wee in it. I was on the school run so only twigged when I returned. Normally she does her business outside. DH is on all vomit-inducing chores right now, normally it would be me, I'm even responsible for clearing up half-eaten small mammals. I miss her sister, she was a proper smart cookie - she peed in the shower on the one occasion she got shut upstairs by accident.

How did you get on lil?

I'm currently being pummelled by my cat, he's kneading furiously likely this

I have poo raining out of my arse (to paraphrase gaggia) and I feel shite but I've got a lecture to write :( have come home early coz I would rather poo in my pants at home than at work.

My boobs are killing me and I've got a bit if pinky cm. I'm gassy, my back hurts and I have slight cramps. I think af is on way :(

Boooooo (fart) ooooooooo!

Also on crutch watch mountain

Fucking ttc. Jizzmonkey cumsquirrel cuntwallaby

*crotch watch
Not watching people for crutches

Coz that would be weird.

Is that still from the worms La?

The witch is still staying away from me, and I just don't understand what's going on. Small wipe of watery brown CM this morning and now nothing. None of it makes sense. Another BFN this morning on an IC. I'm now CD30. Normally 28 day cycle and I've no idea when I normally ice but have regular cycles that started back on 28 days immediately after I stopped the combined pill.

Viroids, is it even remotely possible that I could have iced so late and implanted so late that I'm still getting BFNs but am actually upduffed? I've got no symptoms apart from stabby boobs which I don't notice if I'm focussed on something else. Really fuck all symptoms tbh.

I'm getting so frustrated. Yes I should be happy that witch is away, but it don't feel pregnant and all I can think is that my cycles have gone to bollocky-fuck-land and I'm never going to get a period again.

lil how was exam?? Is this doing your chartering thing?

la can't help thinking those sound like symptoms too..

jelly GX for super regular AF if she has to show up at all!

chat any idea when you iced when you got your BFP? Was it an unusually late ice or do you normally ice late, I can't remb? Did you work out any explanation for your being BFN up until day 36?

Evening :)

Lil hope the exam went ok and you're busy tucking into that huge bar of chocolate.

La, hope your arse stops the wind and rain storm soon. Sounds shit. COCP bra would be the bras reserved for when I was on the pill. My boobs only grow when hormonally charged...

I know the frustration, Indigo! I haven't the faintest when I iced - I'd always been pretty regular (within 3-4 days) except when coming off the pill or following mc, so it was a mystery! I can't really have iced any earlier than D22, given the faintness of the first line and the BFNs at D28-32. But that's a guess. Scan's on the 14th so hopefully I'll know more then Gx for you, you're not out yet!

lol Bollocky-fuck land!!! There's every chance of late ov indigo ttc is a mind fuck and no mistake. We'll all wait it out with you, when did you last poas? Perhaps give it a couple of days and use a frer? They seem to be most sensitive? Have you gone on any different vits or supplements? They might be messing with your cycle? Also, appaz its quite common for some people to get low hcg readings in early pg, so you never know. Still not out...

la all those symptoms might not necessarily be af, I guess its time to try and keep the faith? Sorry arse rain is back - if it makes you feel any better they all sound like strong pg symptoms. (not trying to fuel the twot crazy - just being objective and hopeful) Also still not out...

mountain i'm glad you made it through another shitty twot day. Again, not out!

All 3 of you seem to be going through the ringer this cycle. Here's hoping for 3 bfmfp in the morning. Christ knows us viroids are ready for a bit more good news.....

Wow I stay away for a couple of days and I've missed pages and pages of chat! Trying not to let the hubby see me looking on here and think I'm in danger of getting obsessed so haven't been on much!

AF arrived for me which was good as it was my first post pill one so I was happy to find that I had a 31 day cycle. It is pretty light compared to usual with no cramps or sore boobs or anything so that's a bonus! Now just impatient for it to piss off so I can get shagging :-)

Indigo sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, I'm clueless about all this myself! But hope you get your answer one way or another soon - and really hope it's a BFP!!

bat so glad it arrived and the wait is over!

indigo...um...that sounds to me awfully like an implantation bleed. Brown or pink with cm is generally ib. I got ib last time when af was due, it was 2 days of blood/spotting then went away. After it went away I got faint bfp 2 days later. Gx!

I am just mentally in turmoil! I'm desperate to be pg but also terrified of the idea! Half of me thinks these are af symptoms and other half thinks they are pg symptoms. I think I might allow myself a glass of wine tonight to bring on LOS. Last time I thought ib was af so went out drinking, it went away next day then I got bfp.

Worms fucked off ages ago popz :)

Thank Fuck for that la that means I can have a glass too - cant have you drinking alone. I'm good like that aren't I? ;)

Desperate to get shagging here too bat but dh is away this week so might use the above vino as anaesthetic for a long overdue fanny wax in front of the fire later. Just hope to god I don't lose my nerve halfway through and end up lopsided

I'll join you ladies too

only just out and heading home. think I did enough to pass. just glad its over! roll on 21st Jan for my results. smack bang between scans 2 and 3 pre egg collection!

yes it's CTA exams, chartered tax advisor. only one left to do if I passed that one.

la fx for a bfp. try and think good happy thoughts and not dwell on the what its.

and fx to the other twotters.all sounds promising

chat cat wee. just ewww. had to clean it up once. took forever to get rid of the smell. never ever again!