Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for rainbows

[missalexandra]

New thread ladies, hope it brings us all good luck.

kayleigh you don't sound like a nut job at al - or if you do, then we ALL do! That's exactly how I feel every time AF turns up and I am sure everyone else here too!

Which reminds me Ducky - how the hell did your colleagues dare make ANY sorts of comments about the fact you got pregnant quickly? I think a fair number of us would dream for this to happen to them (well...dream...you know what I mean!) as at least you had the pressure of ttc behind you and that's teh one thing you immediately want: being pg again! I just don;t get people who feel they can judge when they haven't been there... Why not just show empathy, kindness and love? Ah well. I am such a hippy.

On the topic of helpful colleagues ( great choice of words yet again Critter ) one of mine today told me, when talking about a close colleague who just lost her baby at 20+ weeks, that "at least you have a child, so you're ok. She doesn't even know that she can have any!"...Now...whilst I have some empathy with that statement, I also just wanted to shove all the worries about age gap, impossibility to be a grieving mother AND a mother at the same time and the fact that each time I look at her, I think of what could have been... Aaaanyway. Needless to say I will not be talking about this with her anymore!

Love to all of you wonderful ladies

PS: oh and Earth I can only echo what has been said already: please don't go, you and all the other rainbow mums are such fantastic reasons to keep hoping and to have faith in the future xxx

Kayleigh, sorry to hear that AF is here again. You don't sound like a nut job and I totally understand where you are coming from - I think that we lost our babies and started ttc at more or less the same, and like you, I though that I would be pg again by now. Enjoy the rum - if I get AF at the end of this month I will be doing similar.

Cake and Lake , yes, the 'coping too well' thing. I went to a SANDS meeting the other week, and people were a bit baffled that i was working on my thesis again so soon after my loss. But you do what you have to do - if I hadn't completed on time I would have probably ruined my chances of a career that I've been working really hard for. Lake - I think that I remember reading on another thread hat your job is in healthcare? - it sounds really full on, well done for going back so soon. And Cake, I actually found the days that I stayed at home with my toddler much harder than the days that I was working, as I was really forced to confront what I had lost. I hope that you are able to get a little time to yourself.

Critter, thinking of you loads, and glad things are looking good at the moment.

Ducky, thinking of you lots too, less than 2 weeks now. I hope the anxiety is manageable at the moment.

AFM, got referred for some counselling after GP appointment last week, and had telephone assessment yesterday. Upshot is that I won't be getting any counselling - basically I am coping 'too well' to be able to access their services. So frustrating.

I know some people dot know when to keep their mouths shit

Kayleigh you are not a failure at all I was extremely lucky at falling pg so quickly and cannot imagine how difficult it is for you going through what you did and then having the whole TTC to go through. You are incredibly strong.

I was jut out shopping and became all hot and flustered and felt a bit wet down there now I'm not sure if it was my waters or just me getting sweaty (gross) my mw told me if this happens to have a sniff (even more gross) and id know if it was my waters but it doesn't smell of anything, so I popped on a pad and then went to look but it's a bloody scented one that reeks of perfume I only have panty liners now so will try one of them. Since I have been back I have been dry though so don't think it was my waters?

With dd they never went until just before she came so don't know what to expect.

Does anyone have any ideas? Or know what smell I'm looking for

Cross posts Ducky - I started 'leaking' a little with DD1; I went into maternity triage unsure about what it was, and they induced me to avoid the risk of infection. I think amniotic fluid is supposed to smell sort of sweet (and totally different to urine), but its difficult to tell if there is only a little bit. Perhaps it would be worth contacting your midwife to put your mind at rest?

Ducky, when mine went it was like a trickle of wee and then it just kept trickling at little intervals, it felt quite distinctive, and not just dampness from being a bit sweaty/discharge.
I didn't really get the sweet smell thing, but then the smell was obviously not urine if that makes sense.
If in doubt though, get checked. That is my motto.

Think it was a false alarm as I haven't had anything since

Thank you ladies, for saying i don't sound like a nut-job , my guess is that if i told anybody else how i'm feeling in the same way i did here i'd get some odd looks, but of course you wonderful women understand.

Betty well as my local supermarket is selling the rum i drink at £14 for a litre it'd be rude not to enjoy it. Sorry to hear about not getting the counselling, don't people realise that just because we appear to be coping that's all it is- coping.

ducky i'm unable to help regarding the waters, as all 3 times i've broken my waters myself (under midwife supervision i might add), although i have read amniotic fluid has a different colour and smell that wee. I'd agree with the others though and if you're concerned go and get checked out

Betty how frustrating... Have you tried contacting your bereavement mw? She's the one who got me referred to see a counsellor. 6 sessions only (3rd one is soon, I'm already nervous!) but at least that's something. I'm sorry you appeared to cope 'too well' to make it onto their lost. How frustrating. Only because you're able to string a sentence together without sobbing down the phone and not threatening to do something stupid doesn't mean you're going well though!... We are here for hugs x

Ducky sorry no help at all here, my waters never went until right at the end when the MW popped them to get things started!

kayleigh not a nut job at all, or if you are then we all are too so let's be nuts together

betty how unbelievably crap to be told you're coping too well! As others have said, just because you're able to string a sentence together doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from some sessions. Having just come back from our latest session with a clinical psychologist I can say the sessions are well worth it, even on days where I'm feeling okay it's good for me and dh just to have some time to talk and for someone totally independent from us to listen, prompt us with questions, thoughts, observations etc. I feel very lucky that we have been offered this service for as long as we need / want it. Just goes to show what a lottery it is in terms of support out there. Perhaps go back toy our gp and talk about other options, look at support available from local charities etc. it's not fair you're having to look around for support like this x

ducky how are you today, any more 'leaking'? When my waters went with my dd it was only a trickle but it was quite a distinctive smell, sort of sweet and not like wee.

Meant to say, the clinical psychologist we are seeing is attached to the neonatal unit where our son was cared for, and her support is offered as standard to all families, you don't have to prove you need it. I'm so cross for you, how exactly do they want you to behave I wonder before you 'qualify' for support?! Grrrr!

Glad the sessions are helping cake.

I feel like I'm going insane! No more water but have had movement issue. Was up since 4am trying to feel movement, I had a couple when I got up and ate but nothing like normal so went to the hospital.. They did a ctg and sent me for a scan and everything seems fine. I guess he's just getting too big to move much. I feel like an idiot, the amount of times I have been in with 'reduced movement' he must just keep changing his routine! But I just don't want to risk missing anything wrong just another week to get through of feeling like this!

Hope everyone is ok x

I'm so sorry, all I do is bloody moan!!!

X

ducky don't apologise- it's really not needed. I'm not surprised you feel like you're going insane, how have his movements been since you went to the hospital? I hope your little man behaves for you for the coming week

AFM today is my beloved Grandad's birthday, but as he's no longer with us we took cards and flowers the the book room at the cemetery for him. It's really not at the best time as i'm overly teary at the moment (thank you af), although Grandad's now sporting the best looking bunch of flowers there as i seem to have developed a knack for flower arranging thanks to Ben haha

Love to MissA, Betty, Earth, Madem, Lake, Cake, Critter and anyone i've missed xx

Happy birthday to your grandad Kayleigh

He's still quiet, as it has all been checked out I assume it's as he's getting too big to do all the moves he used to I haven't got to this stage of pregnancy before so it's all new to me!

X

Thank you Ducky. Are you feeling any less anxious now it's been checked out? (possibly the daftest question ever but thought i'd ask anyway). I remember Brian was quieter movement wise the nearer it got to due date, as you say there isn't as much room in there by that stage

Hi, wondering whether I can join you? Firstly, I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. I suppose I'm just trying to make sense of everything and see how everyone else has managed to cope. I lost my daughter Anneliese nearly 9 weeks ago, I was 9 days overdue and thought I was in labour. By the time I got to hospital my little girl was already gone. Still trying to make sense of it all and struggling with how best to support my dh-I want to go back to work but he doesn't. We are also debating about ttc again, even though we haven't had the pm results yet. It seems to be taking so long with no idea as to how much longer it will be. We were told it was a combination of things that are very unlikely to happen again but we would have to wait for results to be sure. My mum thinks we're crazy for trying again before the results but we feel like it's the only way we can move on. Not really sure what I'm asking, I suppose I just wonder how people felt about ttc, whether they did so before pm results and how they supported dh (especially if thry didn't cope very well.)

Welcome cake to our thread, I am so sorry to find you here and sorry for the loss of your babies. You are still at the beginning of this tumultuous journey, things must be so very raw, I remember only too well the feelings of hopelessness and failure. In Aug last year I lost my first baby boy 'A' at 25+5, I just stopped feeling him move, went for a scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I didn't have a PM however they tested everything else. They didn't find a cause however was given the probable problem with the placenta answer which seems pretty standard! The last year since then has been pretty shitty, however little milestones like going back to work have made me feel half normal. We started TTC pretty much straight away, I was desperate to be pregnant again and it took us 18 month to conceive the first time, nothing happened had multiple tests and finally got referred for ivf - only to discover a bfp the day after my first ivf appointment.

Ducky you are doing tremendously well, who can blame you for going for all them scans and for ttc so quickly, like critter said I wanted the same. You really haven't got long now till you have your precious baby in your arms.

Madem glad you are starting to feel a bit more 'normal' I think I got to the normal normal stage around 7-8 months after losing 'A', my thoughts of him aren't immediate sadness but are fond nice memories of my pregnancy which people may think is mad but I am so grateful that I had him regardless of the way it ended.

Kayleigh sorry AF arrived! Bottle of your favourite gin sounds good. I was the same as you, cbfm, conceive plus, high protein diet the works - started to get sick of it 13 months on but was still obsessive!

Betty can't believe you've been declined counselling. Seems ridiculous. Glad you have attended a Sands meeting.

Critter, missa, lake, blue, ruby, and anybody else I may have forgotten waves

AFM I had my early scan this morning and all went well. I am measuring 7+3, I saw a little flicker of a heartbeat. They were so good at the hospital, the bereavement nurse organised for me to go straight in, not to wait in the same area as the heavily pregnant ladies and was straight back out. A really pleasant experience considering the last time I was there it was horrific news. I am also starting to become a little fatty, I can't stop eating carbs! I know I have a long long journey to go but I am ok for now.

Hello Ellie, cross post

So sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely Annelise (beautiful name!) After I lost 'A' I didn't want to go back to work for ages. In fact all I did was sit on the sofa in my pyjamas watching crap telly, whereas my DH had 2 weeks paternity and 1 week sick then went straight back to work. I ended up going back to work 5.5 months later and even that was on a phased return. Have you thought about maybe using some of your KIT days to go to work? That'll help you test the waters with work and with your DH.

As for ttc, I had a period exactly 34 days after giving birth which was just a little bit more than my average cycle length. I started ttc straight away - so I 100% understand your need to feel and be pregnant. We had our results about 11 weeks after the birth so didn't wait either.

Do you have any other children?

Hi Ellie, so sorry you find yourself here sorry for your loss. You are also still very early on in your grief. I lost my first baby in February at 31 weeks. In terms of TTC, I was TTC before the pm results, little did I know (I think) I was probably pregnant again when I went to the pm appt. i am currently 36 weeks with my rainbow and will be induced a week on Monday. Fingers crossed everything goes to plan! I really won't be much help in terms of how you can support your husband, I suppose when I lost dd I was very selfish and could barely cope with dragging myself through the day let alone supporting my husband. X

Kayleigh, I think it helped a little bit for the day, but as the day gets closer I think the anxiety gets worse! If it is even possible!

Little that's wicked news about your scan! Glad your mw managed to get you straight in and out

Hugs to everyone x

Thank you, it took a lifetime to agree on a name we both loved! No I don't have any other children, I had a miscarriage last year and then fell pregnant with Anna within the month, I was just desparate to have a child, not helped by my sil having an unplanned pregnancy and being due 2 days after my original due date. Seeing her with her baby breaks my heart, I'm happy everything worked out for her but it kills me that we tried so hard and did everything 'right' but yet this happened.

I don't even know what answers the consultant can give me or whether it will make a difference. My contractions were never more than 2mins apart but I was told it was fine, by the time the midwife came to me she noticed how much blood there was and we had to go to hospital by ambulance, I just keep thinking surely those contractions weren't normal, surely they'd know something wasn't right. Apparently it was a placental abruption, possibly caused by a short cord and the fact I was overdue which makes me want to try again soon but there's a little doubt just in case there was something else wrong.

Unfortunately I decided early to finish my mat leave and start sick leave so I could go back to work ASAP, probably stupid as I work with children. I want to go back to work but dh doesn't, he is really struggling. He isn't sleeping well and had been prescribed anti-depressants. He says he won't be happy until we have another baby. I want to go back to work soon, I just can't stand being stuck at home. I'm just scared to leave dh. I've been in to work to see everyone which wasn't too bad.

The nurse thinks I had my period straight after the lochia finished so I could technically try now. How did you feel once you started trying again? I feel excited yet nervous, I just don't want to make the wrong decision.

Sorry for the essay, helps to talk to someone who has been through this. I find I'm comforting everyone else so they don't feel upset/awkward around me do I end up not talking about it. Thanks again.

It was scary TTC, luckily it happened quickly for me, although I feel tht because I was pregnant again people kind of forgot about dd, or some made insensitive comments that really weren't needed!

I have been incredibly anxious this pg, most people see after 12 weeks the 'safe zone' but unfortunately us on this thread don't see pregnancy like that. the whole thing is difficult but the people on this thread have been amazing to me over the past few months, I would seriously have struggled with pregnancy if I hadn't joined this thread and I'm sure you will have the same amazing support when you are pg

Thanks Ducky, I'm sure everything will be fine for you and your baby, I can only imagine how nerve wracking it all is though.

I do worry what people may think if I fell pregnant again quickly but we feel like we need this, suppose it's something positive to focus on. Think we will ttc before results, might discuss it with dh and see how he feels about it, might feel differently once it becomes more 'real'.

I know what you mean about there not really being a safe zone, I was less anxious after my 12 week scan last time round as I'd passed the point where it had all gone wrong before. I feel like next time round I won't have that as I was overdue and in labour. Maybe I'll feel a bit more confident once I speak to the consultant as to what to expect.

I really appreciate the support, even just a couple of posts make all the difference I find a lot if people try to be supportive but come out with some really weird things!

Hi Ellie and welcome to our thread. In so sorry to hear about your beautiful Anna, life can be so cruel.

I lost my first baby, "F" in Sept 2012 and my rainbow was born in March this year. I bled for 11 weeks after F by which time I had already had the PM results so I didn't have the dilemma you are faced with. In my entirely non expert and zero medical knowledge opinion I would say that as you were full term anything that they find (or not) with the PM is unlikely to impact your care in the first trimester, but like I said, I don't really know what I'm talking about, so you must do what you feel is right for you and your DH.

You and your DH sound the exact opposite of me and mine, I could hardly leave the house and dreaded work, but my DH felt the need to be back at work and "doing something". I think it will help you support each other through the really rough patches.

Really sorry that I'm not managing to keep up with the thread and reply to everyone properly, we are mid house move so things are a bit hectic. I am thinking of everyone though x

Welcome Ellie, so sorry that you find yourself here and so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Anneliese. Your loss is still very raw. The first months after you lose a baby are particularly hideously awful, your hormones are all over the place and you're still in shock about how this nightmare happened to you and your precious baby. Talk to us if it helps, as others have said, there's no emotion too ugly or painful that we won't recognise.

I lost my first baby, a little boy, in January. I was 39 + 3 after a straightforward low risk pregnancy. I had a massive gush of painless bleeding, and when I went into the hospital (about an hour later, the midwife told me to wait and see when we first called) his heartbeat had dropped to 90 and I had an emergency c section. He had massive brain damage due to oxygen deprivation and died 20 hours later. They initially thought it was a placental abruption, but now they think his cord ruptured (he had a velamentous cord insertion). We didn't have a post mortem because it was clear that the oxygen deprivation was what had caused his death.

My baby was IVF-conceived after two and a half years TTC so I was desperate to try again as soon as I could but after a c section you're encouraged to wait a few months. I got pregnant in June but miscarried in July, and am now 7 weeks pregnant again (but it's been scary with some big bleeds). When you're ready, we will be here to hand hold - TTC after a loss is no joke. Don't worry about what other people think. Nobody knows what it's like to lose a baby unless they've been through it, and those who have been through it understand!

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband struggling too. It's totally awful. Have you been recommended counselling at all? I haven't had it, but it is helpful for some people if you get the right person, and this particular grief journey is such a long and painful one that it's worth getting all the support you can. On going back to work - I had to go back after 8 weeks (am in the US) but I worked out a system with work where I could work from home two days a week, which made a big difference. Maybe you could do some sort of phased part time return when you're ready?

Ellie a warm but sad welcome from me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Annalise (lovely name). I hope you find the support here you need, both now and in the future- i know i've benefitted from the lovely ladies here.
I lost my second son Ben in April at 34+1 due to a ruptured placenta and like you i felt the need to try again sooner rather than later. We didn't have a PM done on Ben, but i did go on short-term contraception due to my consultant wanting me to have blood tests done a few weeks after the birth (i'd had a huge blood clot in my womb so they wanted to rule a few things out). I came off the contraception on 13th June, and am still waiting the elusive BFP.
I'm sorry to hear your husband is struggling, but at least he has you there for him. My husband was the strong one while i fell to bits. Would your DH see a bereavement counsellor do you think?

Tulip so pleased your scan went well, and how considerate of your hospital to ensure you had a pleasant experience