Please help - ttc with erectile dysfunction - totally tmi but really need some dim questions answered :(

[RevoltingPeasant]

I'll really appreciate any responses - bit desperate. Not going to NC due to lack of shame and cba, frankly..... So....

DH has had erectile dysfunction since before we met, due to ongoing prostate issues. He rarely gets fully hard (look, I said tmi, okay ;) ) and very rarely climaxes inside. We still "have sex" but it's more some penetration followed by manual, and it ends up on my tummy, bum, wherever.

If you haven't run away....

This is an obvious problem for ttc. He can come but not inside. I thought to try these "conception caps" a friend gave me that are a bit like diaphragms or moon ups and hold the sperm inside. But it's pretty awkward sort of scooping it up and putting the cap inside, plus I don't know if doing that will put the sperm close enough to cervix.

What should I do? Any ideas? I am wondering about turkey boasters but don't really know how they work or where to get a sterile one. Cannot ask anyone else, DH is shy of talking about it....

MN please help! I don't have any reason to think either of us is infertile and this is so frustrating. Really want to be pg now and feeling very stuck.

Without going into detail syringe method works you can buy them off eBay.

Instead of scooping it up, get him to ejaculate into the cup, then you can place the cup inside you. That's how we have DD and I am now pg with DC#2 using the same method.

DH can't finish during penetrative sex, so it's what we did to get around it.

I wish you the best of luck, TTC is hard enough without having extra problems on top

Bless you both!! So Socks, aim right for the cup? Not sure if he'd be able to in the heat of the moment! I also think it might be weird me holding it.

But really encouraging to hear it worked for you!

TBH, DH is quite shy, so we didn't do it in the heat of the moment. He preferred to be on his own

Pretty sure turkey batters don't need to be sterile-Willies aren't after all

Good luck with what ever you do x

Basters not batters!

I got my home insemination kit from here www.fertility-matters.co.uk/super-deluxe-insemination-kit-115-p.asp And I'm sure there are plenty others out there.

Litha ooooh thanks! Won't click on that on work machine but will have a look when I get home.

I was thinking of googling 'lesbian pregnancy' but again, probably best not at work......

valium - I just realised my OP says 'turkey boasters'. ?!

You're better off googling artificial insemination

Litha just checked your link and it's ace! I so much appreciate this.

Socks yes you are probably right!

If anyone has experience of using a kit like the one linked or any other stories of ttc with ED I would love to hear with as much illustrative detail as poss because I am a total novice in this area.....

Hi RP,

You asked for detail so have name changed to give you some.

I have Vaginismus and although DH can come it takes a very long time which coupled with my condition makes pregnancy in the traditional manner impossible for us.

So after much googling of artificial insemination and vag forums we went down the syringe route. I bought the basic kit from the site listed above and after 4 cycles conceived my DS who will be 3 in the autumn. (Not bad given I was late 30s). We have just started TTC no. 2 in the same way.

So this is how:

• I charted using thermometer and fertilityfriend to have idea of when I ovulated
• I used OPK when I got close to when I usually ovulate (always used clearblue digital ones)
• Usually aimed to inseminate on day or two before anticipated ovulation (using preseed)
• Even if didn't manage day or two before once I got a positive on OPK inseminated every day for 3 days (no preseed)
• Gave DH handjob until he came in the pot
• Put lid on and put pot under my arm to warm and liquefy some for 10-15 minutes
• Using 5ml or 10ml syringe draw up semen and insert as far as possible (try and avoid any bubbles)
• Leave syringe in place for 10 minutes
• Slowly depress plunger
• DH then gave me an orgasm (by hand) leaving syringe in place to act as a plug
• stayed lying down with syringe in place for at least 30 minutes
• Remove syringe but stayed lying down for at least an hour

I always used reusable syringes which I washed but some use disposable. The pots in the pack are perfect but I bought 5ml syringes from ebay as DH doesn't produce much so 10ml always seemed a bit big.

If you use reusable make sure completely dry before use as water is harmful to semen.

So you asked, far too much information

Hope it helps though, and good luck.

Can I just say I find this this really liberating? My OH struggles with libido so we have a little pot and a couple of syringes. I figured we were the only straight couple doing this. The process makes me feel like such an outsider, for instance when people suggest you just have as much sex as possible, not realising what a challenge it is. Anyway, my method is to watch the opks. We start the process when I guess that I'm a day or two before the positive opk and carry on for the day of and day after the positive opk. I rinse the pot and syringe in lots of hot water each night and I use preseed. Good luck OP!

Embarrassing no that's not too much info, it's absolutely perfect. It is precisely the kind thing I can't ask my GP or close friends. Gosh, I wonder what women in our situation did 40 years ago??

One thing though, what is opk? I don't know all the acronyms yet!

To make it more complicated, I have a slightly irregular cycle - varies from about 24 to 29 days - so I have just been trying right after I get the hormone surge indicated on the ovulation stick. Is that right?

I ALSO have a retroverted cervix, so it's pointing towards my bum rather than my navel. I don't know if I should lie on my back or be on hands and knees because of this.

And Life, yes, isn't it? Last time I went to a dr about sex related matters I got asked was I sure my husband wasn't cheating on me (low sex drive) and it was suggested I would have psychological problems as we don't have "enough" sex with penetration.

Was tempted to ask if all gay women also had psych problems too, then

Revolting, has he seen a physio for his prostate problems?

I'm a continence physio - most of our work is centred around leaky ladies, but, menfolks benefit too.

In fact, there's good evidence that doing pelvic floor exercises is AS EFFECTIVE as Viagra for erectile dysfunction, and cures 40% of premature ejaculation with another 30 being improved.

Obviously, prostate problems will interefere with his sexual function - but, the stats are clear, lots of men gain lots of function with treatment, even if there's a medical problem.

He'd need to be assessed, which involves personal questions (I know, I know) and a finger up the jacksie. But, it can be really effective - the stats are staggering.

His GP could refer him, or, if you PM me I might know someone in your area.

And, bloody good luck to you both.

actually, I've got a page on my (amateurish) website - if you look at my profile there's a link. Don't want to fall foul of the advertising.

Please PM me if I can be helpful at all x

RP - I'm glad it's helpful and yes life I agree with everything you say too.

OPK = ovulation predictor kit

And yes RP going for it as soon as you get a positive on your ovulation stick (or OPK) is right. We do try to have a go a day or two before I think I will ovulate but it's a bit of a guess and sometimes DH just isn't up to it so best to stick to the 1 or 2 days after the positive OPK.

I don't know about your retroverted cervix but I guess if you try for day of positive plus day after you could do one on your back and on your hands/knees (if that's not too uncomfortable). Ultimately women who don't need to use artificial means get pregnant from a number of positions so hopefully it doesn't matter.

One other thing I've thought of (in case you're not aware) don't worry about the sperm falling out. I've seen quite a bit of this on various forums but sperm are carried in semen to protect them. After the sperm are on their way so to speak, the semen is no longer necessary so will leak back out. This is perfectly normal and doesn't mean the sperm haven't got where they need to be.

The comments from that Dr are unbelievable. Penetration isn't everything believe me. My DH and I are very happily married, and have found plenty of ways to be intimate without penetration and neither of us have psychological problems (unless you count my condition which is totally unrelated to my DH's issues and pre-dates our relationship). Lots of assumptions about sex and other people's relationships I feel.

Thank you so much for this post! I agree with lifesgreatquestions that there are so many presumtions around sexual relationships and it can be easy to feel like an outsider. Penetration is just one way of having sex. I have been with my husband for 12 years and our sex life has never been easy or straightforward but at times pretty magical! TTC is quite a stressful process and not the biggest turn-on for neither of us. It doesn't help that he is working like crazy at the mo. We're on only the third cycle but but I still feel anxious. With DS it worked on the third cycle but I was 3 years younger then. Thinking about the syringe option just to take a bit of the pressure off. I think we both would have a laugh! :)
Best of luck to all of you!

Embarrassing thank you, so much. All that info is invaluable.

Yeah we have not had the best luck with drs. I posted a thread on AIBU a while back about how we asked to be referred to an andrologist as DH had never actually had a formal diagnosis of the prostatitis - just, oh that's what it sounds like, take these anti Bs from GP after GP. For six years! When he finally got referred it wasn't to a consultant but a referral centre with GPs, one of whom was from our own surgery! He eventually did see an andrologist who just gave him Cialis but they give him a headache so we use sparingly.

Gussie never knew there was such a thing - intriguing! Will have a look at your profile. Tbh I think he wouldn't be keen though - he has to be dragged to any medical appts.

Ah just seen you are in Scotland. We are a mere 8 hours away in south Devon so may not work but thanks!!

Revolting, there will be someone near you - your GP will have a clinic they can refer on, or, here's a private clinic: Exeter physio, treats women and men

Most men aren't keen. Which is fair enough, but, whilst I don't know that practice, the ones I do know are universally engaging and have shit hot skills. Like anything related to your genitals, if you can get over the intial embarrassment - well, lots can be done.

Might be worth a call to the clinic to ask for their advice about an NHS clinic?

I'm new to the site but how liberating (and a relief!) to read that others are going through something similar to us.

We went down the Relate route for my husband's ED which seems to be stress related. He also has problems ejaculating sometimes (retarded ejaculation - awful term). We had DS in Dec 2010 thanks to being on honeymoon and my dh relaxing. It's difficult though, whilst we can manage penetration it always has to be in exactly the same position and circumstances. If anything changes it doesn't work. I too thought about the turkey baster method but DH won't do it.

We've now being ttc for #2 for 12 months (frustrating as #1 took a week!) and it's been stressful. We have to time it exactly. Recently I bought some Maca Root from H&B and surprisingly it seems to have had a real effect. DH has a better libido and seems to be able get an erection and keep it much easier. I've had it too, although my issues (brown discharge 4 days before AF /hormones all over place) continue.

It's shame ED is so taboo, especially when it's so wrapped up with fertility. I've told no one, but I wish I could.

Best of luck to you all.

Buddleia just a thought - I found accupuncture v helpful for balancing crazy hormones. Have you looked into it?

Thanks sugarandspite. Yes I've been going for the last two months but it doesn't seem to be helping unfortunately. I'm now in the process of arranging a private fertility assessment as I feel I'm getting nowhere with my gp. I'm hoping a gynaecologist will have some answers!

Hi, wow, it took me ages to find this thread! I'm hoping that by posting on it it will pop up in your "I'm on" lists and get your attention! Does anyone know of a thread for those ttc'ing in more alternative ways?