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Original poster

Have 2 boys and want a girl to balance my family.

123 replies

draggedthrooabush · 05/06/2006 22:29

Have 2 little boys ds1 (nearly 3) and ds2 (7months) Husband and I cant agree on whether to have a third or not.

I would love to have a little girl. I love my boys to bits and wouldnt swap them for a million girls but I grew up very close to my mum and sister and would love to have that relationship with a daughter of my own.

If we had a third baby and it was another boy then I definately would stop at 3. Don't want to keep going indefinately./ By the way I would not be unhappy to have a third son as I love my boys so much I'm sure another one would be just as loved and wanted. My husband is delighted to have 2 sons but would also dearly love a daughter. He cannot understand, however, how much I would really love to have a girl though and keeps telling me that 3 children is a zoo!(Said this in jest after a visit from my cousin with her 3 under the age of 6)

I think if you already have 2 children of the same sex you should be allowed gender selection in this country, not necessarily on the NHS but privately if you can afford it. Is this playing god? What does anyone else think about this?

OP posts:
MadamePlatypus · 17/08/2006 15:28

How would 'gender selection' be done anyway? Presumably by IVF and then you would choose which one of the embryos you wanted to implant according to their sex?

I don't think that IVF is fiddling with nature - it is fixing something that is not working like mending a broken leg. However, to go through the whole process of IVF because of a preconceived ('scuse the pun)idea of how your child's sex would affect their personality is, I think, a bit ill thought out.

flack · 17/08/2006 16:10

I don't have any problem with any of what you've said, draggedthroo. I think maybe you'd like to have that support. I don't really understand why it's controversial, unless abortion is the selection method. That really is horrible, and it's already happening, what's worse. Any selection method that prevented those abortions sounds like an improvement on current situation.

I don't think I would disapprove of genuine designer babies, every-gene hand-picked by IVF (although I expect it would be very risky, have low-success rates, and result in some disasters). I guess that really is a minority view, though.

helenhismadwife · 17/08/2006 17:39

Hi draggedthroo

I dont have any problem with someone wanting one sex or the other, I have two dd with dh and would have loved to have had another baby and for it to be a boy, that wanting has no impact what so ever on how I feel about my gorgeous daughters.

I wonder if many women would like daughters because when boys are older they are much more independent, I dont have a good relationship with my mum, but my dh has two sisters they are a very close family anyway but the girls are incredibly close to their mum, where as dh although being very close does not have the same relationship with his mum and dad, he is more independent of them. Just as a matter or interest, I am as close to his mum as his sisters are, closer than I am to my own mum. I hope that makes sense.

I think that in some cases that gender selection is essential, in the cases of gender related diseases. I personally dont agree with IVF for gender selection especially not on an all ready over stretched NHS. As for IVF itself that is such an emotive subject, I have children and cant imagine the hell it must be not to be able to have them, I wish the system for IVF was fairer it seems to vary so much depending on where you live.

Helen

Joolstoo · 17/08/2006 17:43

so do I expat - 'utterly abhorrent' couldn't have put it better myself!

katierocket · 17/08/2006 17:44

The issue you raise of undergoing IVF for gender selection made me raise a grim smile. You clearly have no idea what is involved in IVF - it is NOT something you undertake lightly. It's expensive, emotionally draining and only has a 25% success rate.

Be grateful for the fact you have 2 healthy children and hope that if you have another, whatever sex, that one is healthy too.

muppety · 17/08/2006 18:09

Noone is suggesting abortion or I think even selecting out embryos. There are other methods though such as sperm spinning or sorting and of course just completely natural timing methods.

Noone chooses to have a desire for a particular sex and it can't be coincidence that so many women desire a daughter its a biological urge and does not make anyone 'bad' or 'ungrateful'. We are affected by our experiences as a child and relationship with our parents and siblings. Studies have shown that given the choice most couples doing selction would choose to have 2
children, 1 of each sex so fears about a single sex society are probably unfounded.

I would love a mother-daughter relationship plus am a sucker for pink clothes. Personally I would not go down the gender selection route apart from maybe a bit of fun regarding timing etc. I will settle for buying my friends daughters frilly dresses but if you can afford it fine by me. They do sperm spinning in Birmingham by the way. I often wonder if I had 2 girls whether I would have the same feelings regarding never having a son. Quite possibly as a mixed family is the 'norm' for me.

jacsmum · 17/08/2006 20:20

Overrun, I think I feel just like you. I want to get over feeling sad about not having a daughter. I feel like it's going to gnaw away at me for ever. Any ideas???

Please noone tell me not to be shallow, be grateful for my lovely boys etc - I know all that. I get a knot in my throat when I think about how much I love my children and I wouldn't want to change anything about them now that I have them. But I want a girl too, and don't think I/we can manage 4 kids happily, so I'm not going to have one.

skerriesmum · 17/08/2006 20:29

In my own situation, knowing many people who only have one child, and not always by choice (either they just couldn't or were too old or whatever), I just feel fortunate to be able to get pregnant again. We have one son who's 3 and I'm expecting our second in January.
Nobody has suggested this yet; if you'd like to be able to choose your third child's sex, then why not adopt a baby girl?

honeybunny · 17/08/2006 20:46

I have 2 boys and after deciding to go for a third, got my little girl. Yes, I was trying to conceive a girl, followed all the advice etc but had come to the decision beforehand that I had to be happy with whatever came along. I found out at my 20week scan that I was indeed expecting a little girl and couldnt have been more thrilled. We had tried for a girl for no2 but ds2 came along instead. I have no regrets but did need a few weeks after his 20week scan to get over the twinge of disappointment. But I love him to bits and couldnt be happier with our family. I'm finished tho, there wont be any more!! You girls with 4 or more..... I take my hat off to you, my lot are more than enough for me!!

jacsmum · 17/08/2006 20:57

skerriesmum, I had thought about it. Ds3 was a bit of a surprise (it's true that you can get pg while still bfing and not having periods, and living in diff country from dh so only having sex once in the whole month ). Ds3 clearly really wanted to be born - chapeau!

Do you think 3 teenage boys would consider an adopted sister really a proper sister? Probably not a pc question, but adopting seems like a v.big deal to me.

jacsmum · 17/08/2006 20:58

By the way, I bought that Hazel C-P book, but never had time to read it . Gave it away to friend with ...... 2 boys of course.

riab · 17/08/2006 21:28

Skerriesmum - good point re adoption. we agreed that is what we would do if we wanted a second child due to wanting a girl and also I hate being pregnant and don't much like babies! (love kids)

CatBert · 17/08/2006 21:32

Have to play devil's advocate for a moment here.

All those who "Agree with gender selection because of gender related disability".

Has anyone considered that there are plenty of people out there with different disabilities (some very extreme) who are just as vehemently against, and positively aghast at the discussions of "choices" in embryo selection of any kind; that we could "screen them out" of society, regardless of their disability, genetic, gender based or otherwise. Is theirs a life not worth living... Just a thought.

So, on balance I think that this slipperly slope should be avoided for gazillions of reasons. But I empathise with the OP, do not think her a bad person for her desire for a son.

jamiesam · 17/08/2006 21:49

too much vitriol on here for me to read every post.

I don't understand why so many people chose to misunderstnd the OP - surely by 'allow gender selection...not necessarily on the NHS but privately if you can afford it' OP didn't mean that NHS should provide baby of sex that you desire, under any circs. And I really couldn't see anything in what the OP wrote to suggest that she was planning on having abortions until she got the sex she wanted.

I also think that people in very different circs will use the same language but to a different end. Seems that several posters are talking about an overwhelming desire to have a baby of a certain sex without necessarily resorting to extremes that other posters accuse them of.

Around a year ago I would have said that I would really like a girl, having already got two boys. I considered doing the diet thing or timing sex (before OV?) to increase odds of having a boy. But tbh, at age 38, I was ultimately keener to have a baby than to waste cycles not getting pg. I don't know what sex this baby is, and having had a m/c in Dec, I really really appreciate being pg. But my view of whether I want girl or boy changes from week to week. Having finally agreed on a name if it's a boy, I am now finding myself mourning the boy I might not have. And yet I can't see that I'm not going to bond, whatever it turns out to be.

morocco · 17/08/2006 22:19

I wouldn't have a problem with it being legal in the UK so long as it wasn't for the 1st or 2nd child (just to keep odds on for reasonable male-female population balance) but I couldn't be bothered with all the faffing around myself(if it's true that just semen sorting is enough). IVF seems pretty extreme just for 'family balance'. Even 'normal' IVF involves embryos that are not used, not that that is something to celebrate, but our society seems to think it is acceptable in that case. Not many people seem to get upset about it in that case and don't we already allow experimentation on very young embryos? This idea of being careful what you wish for sounds like superstitious nonsense. Of course any child may be sick, have congenital illness, but that doesn't make it the mother's fault. Sex selection doesn't come with a guarantee of long and healthy life as well as being male/female. The only worry I would have would be that in interfering with natural selection, the chances are increased of 'imperfect' embryos being implanted. Is that already true of IVF babies? I'm not sure.

Blu · 17/08/2006 22:35

I agree very much with BogWoppit and Greensleeves.

Of course we have hopes and dreams for our children, but I do think it's easy to fall into a trap of wanting a child to fulfill some function on behlaf of ourselves - to have the close relationship we remember with our sister / mother, to play sport in the park with dad, to have grandchildren, to do the things we never did, to do the exact same things we did to fuel our happy memories,....

I'm not saying anyone on this thread is doing that, but i do wonder whether gender selection potentially places a very heavy burden on children to be what thier parents imagine.

morocco · 17/08/2006 22:42

blu
the human population might be a fair bit smaller if people only had kids for reasons other than those though!

Ponka · 18/08/2006 11:23

I'm not sure I'd agree with gender selection in a general sense at all, draggedthroughthebush, but I do completely understand your feelings ( I have 2 DSs and would love a DD). I understand your feelings are not obsessive or tantrum - like and that you are not trying to compensate for something that is lacking in any way because I have these same feelings, too. I wouldn't change either of my DSs for the world and I'm so glad I have happy, healthy boys. I would only have a third if I were happy to have a boy or a girl. DS is only 4 months so it's way too soon to decide!

I just wanted to say that I don't think you should feel bad about the feelings you have. I think it's a natural feeling that quite a few people experience. I just don't think that gender selection should be the answer to it.

riab · 18/08/2006 11:57

Blu, thanks - you said clearly what I was thinking but couldn't articulate. That was my point about people who want a girl for 'girly' things. I think it does place an enourmous burden on kids when parents have expectations, - ie you are a buy you will be different from my 3 daughters. Or you're a girl and so we can have a great mother-daughter bond.

Morrocco, would it be a such a bad thing for the population to be smaller?

I do have sympathy for the orginal psoter, like I said I wanted a girl quite badly for variuos reasons, but I think the fact that now having had a boy I can't imagine actually wanting a girl even if we had any more, points up the reality of children. They aren't what you expect!

wannaBe1974 · 18/08/2006 13:56

"not necessarily on the nhs, but if you can afford it", so, if you can afford it you go out and buy a baby with the gender of your choosing. Sorry but that's sick imo. Some people never get to have a baby, any baby, let alone be able to choose whether it's a boy or a girl, and if you could afford it then gender selection would become a class thing, where the rich get the sex of baby they want, and the poor get the baby that nature intended. You may not have intended this thread to see you in a selfish light, but imo it does, you are saying that although you would be happy with the baby you had, if gender selection was available, you would choose not to have another boy, and have another girl, that is selfish, and yes, that is, in my opinion, treating your baby as a commodity. If you want a girl so badly then why don't you just go and buy one over the internet, I'm sure there are sites that will oblige.

As for wanting the close bond with a daughter, how many many posts are there on these boards from people who have a very strained or no relationship at all with their mother. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Enid · 18/08/2006 13:59

how I hate hate hate that phrase 'balance your family'what does it MEAN!!! Nothing!

anyway, rant over. I'd have liked a little boy as I think they are sweet, but have a seemingly old-fashioned attitude - accepting that a boy is not to be and making the most of my wonderful daughters.

wheresmyfroggy · 18/08/2006 14:00

Three girls is bloody marvellous Enid, I can't wait

Enid · 18/08/2006 14:02

ooh are you having a third girl?

I love it, people call them the

wheresmyfroggy · 18/08/2006 14:04

Yes she was due Monday, kind of handy she is holding on though as we can't agree a name lol.
Like the idea of the ''frog' girls

Pamina3 · 18/08/2006 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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