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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

Original poster

Have 2 boys and want a girl to balance my family.

123 replies

draggedthrooabush · 05/06/2006 22:29

Have 2 little boys ds1 (nearly 3) and ds2 (7months) Husband and I cant agree on whether to have a third or not.

I would love to have a little girl. I love my boys to bits and wouldnt swap them for a million girls but I grew up very close to my mum and sister and would love to have that relationship with a daughter of my own.

If we had a third baby and it was another boy then I definately would stop at 3. Don't want to keep going indefinately./ By the way I would not be unhappy to have a third son as I love my boys so much I'm sure another one would be just as loved and wanted. My husband is delighted to have 2 sons but would also dearly love a daughter. He cannot understand, however, how much I would really love to have a girl though and keeps telling me that 3 children is a zoo!(Said this in jest after a visit from my cousin with her 3 under the age of 6)

I think if you already have 2 children of the same sex you should be allowed gender selection in this country, not necessarily on the NHS but privately if you can afford it. Is this playing god? What does anyone else think about this?

OP posts:
crazydazy · 05/06/2006 22:42

Can't really give advice as I have one of each and then sent DP for the snip as we didn't want anymore.

Am sure that SOMEONE will have a point of view though, might not be what you want to hear though.

Piffle · 05/06/2006 22:47

As someone who has tried hitherto unsuccessfully for 3 years for any gender of 3rd child I do not agree with gender selection.

nothercules · 05/06/2006 22:49

Totally disagree. Where do you draw the line?

Aero · 05/06/2006 22:53

Disagree with gender selection, although I guess if it were me, I'd try all the non intrusive methods (even if they were wives tales) for a girl and then just love accept the baby nature selects (whatever it's gender).

Original poster
draggedthrooabush · 05/06/2006 23:02

What natural methods do you recommend?

OP posts:
saadia · 05/06/2006 23:20

I totally disagree with gender selection as well. I have two dss and would love a daughter but we don't plan on having any more. MIL has four sons and five grandsons - dh's whole family would love to have a girl in the family but we are all grateful for and feel blessed with our children. Gender selection IMO is going down the route of seeing a child as a commodity. All children are blessings not rights.

Original poster
draggedthrooabush · 05/06/2006 23:25

Respect your opinions.

Completely agree that all children are blessings. Love my children regardless of sex but don't see the harm in balancing my family. Certainly do not see my children as commodities!!!Shock

OP posts:
collision · 05/06/2006 23:27

I would say, in a nice way, to be bloody grateful that you have healthy children.

My boys are 4 and 19m and are the 2nd and 5th grandsons -no grandaughters- and my parents are desperate for a grandaughter.

Makes my blood boil. Angry

Be grateful for happy healthy children. i would not swap mine for the world and cannot understand myself how people go on and on and on to have children for a certain sex.

I know so many families who have done this and for example, ended up with 6 boys or 5 daughters or 8 daughters. STOP!!!!!

I do not agree with gender selection at all.

threelittlebabies · 05/06/2006 23:28

Totally disagree with the idea of gender selection in the circumstances you outlined (and most others). The very idea makes me a bit cross tbh. Agree with other posts.

Yorkiegirl · 05/06/2006 23:31

gender selection on the NHS?
No way.
After coming close to losing DD2 at term, and having had a m/c, and there are several MNetters who have lost babies either early on or late in pregnancy, I can say that any baby is a blessing. Choosing the sex is not part of the deal.

Snips · 05/06/2006 23:33

DTB-we are in similar position to you-two gorgeous ds's and would love a girl. Will probably try for a third child, and will be happy whatever we get. Don't agree with selection. I have looked on the web and there are several sites with info about natural ways you can use to up your chances of having a baby of a certain sex (timing, diet etc). May have a go at using those. Obv if you try for a third you have to be prepared to have another boy.

Original poster
draggedthrooabush · 05/06/2006 23:39

Please don't consider me ungrateful that I have 2 healthy children. I really don't think I implied that I was.

Everyone who has replied has disagreed with gender selection but are there any circumstances in which you would consider it acceptable?

OP posts:
JanH · 05/06/2006 23:42

What do you mean by gender selection, dtab? Abortion of a foetus that's the wrong sex?

Original poster
draggedthrooabush · 05/06/2006 23:56

To JanH- Are you mental?

Who mentioned anything about abortion?

By gender selection I mean that there is a separation of the male and female sperms in the lab and your egg in inseminated with a male or female sperm rather than leaving it to mother nature. Nothing whatsoever to do with abortion!!!!Shock

OP posts:
Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 06/06/2006 00:05

Would consider it acceptable to avoid sex specific disability.
I think gender selection for other reasons is a bit daft really. Try old wives tales if you wish, but there are so many other factors involved. What would happen if your longed for girl has a life threatening condition for example? The gender just wouldn't remotely matter.

My eldest is severely disabled and I find talk about balancing the family etc in terms of gender a bit odd to be honest. It's just so unimportant in the greater scheme.

I would have been happier if ds3 had been a girl because ds1's condition is 4 times more common in boys, so I would have felt more relaxed that all would be fine. But I didn't reallyt want a girl, I just don't want another severely disabled child Wouldn't swap him now though, whether he's has the condition or not so the gender is irrelevent.

Original poster
draggedthrooabush · 06/06/2006 00:21

It's interesting to hear other peoples opinions and also humbling.

Just out of interest - do the people who disagree with gender selection also disagree with IVF etc. I know they are completely different and I'm not for a minute comparing my situation to anyone who requires IVF. I just wondered if you think things should be left to mother nature does that include natural conception?

OP posts:
saadia · 06/06/2006 08:18

My own view is that I have no problem with people using IVF methods to conceive. I can understand and sympathise with childless couples' desire for a baby, after all our bodies are designed to reproduce, it is a major natural instinct and one of the reasons we are here is to propagate the species. If science can help with that then fine. Inability to conceive naturally may be seen as an illness and medicine is there to help ill people.

But, gender selection to me sounds very superficial and I don't understand it. Saying you want a particular gender of baby is like saying you want a child with blonde hair and blue eyes. To me it kind of goes against the idea of wanting a baby for love, it sounds more like wanting a baby for personal satisfaction.

I think people desperate for a particular gender child should think very deeply about why they want this - is something lacking in their relationship with their family that they are trying to compensate for?

draggedthroo... I don't mean to sound harsh and my comments are not aimed perosnally at you. I think it's good that you wanted this discussion but as others have said, a child of any gender is life's greatest gift.

jenkel · 06/06/2006 08:45

I have been through IVF and I have 2 girls, one conceived through IVF and the other was a proper little miracle. I would also love a boy, but dont agree with gender selection. I'm not sure how much of the full blown IVF you would need to go through just for the gender selection part but IVF is not something to go through lightly. Also, I do think you are playing god a little in selecting the right gender and I also think you are opening up the floodgates for lots more serious things happening. For that reason we are not going for number 3, we love our girls especially as at one stage we didnt think we would have any children, I dont think DH could cope with another female Grin.

blueshoes · 06/06/2006 08:46

Hi draggedthrooabush, just wanted to say that as the middle girl in a family of three who finally got a boy 3rd time round, I have had to live with the cloud that I was the forgotton child - not that my parents would ever admit it.

I don't think the NHS will sponsor gender selection unless you can show a genetic defect in your/dh's family that passes through one particular sex. Privately, I imagine you can wash sperm and then do an insemination (turkey baster style) but that is not guaranteed and still chancey. Of course, there are the "TTC days away from ovulation" trick for getting a girl, again not guaranteed!

As for inseminating the egg with a sperm of the correct sex in a dish before inseminating via IVF, well, you can pay for it, but this is for me when the lines get a bit blurry. Because you will end up disposing of embroyoes that were fertilised but not selected.

Since you really really long for a girl, I don't have any real problems with your using fairly natural methods. But please remember (and I am sure you will) to utterly love and cherish what you are eventually gifted with, as well as the lovely children you have already begotton. Smile

blueshoes · 06/06/2006 08:48

BTW, I have nothing against IVF and disposing of unused embroyoes - but have a bit of problem with going down that route for reasons such as gender selection.

bundle · 06/06/2006 08:52

I think gender selection is fine for preventing life-threatening diseases

Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads · 06/06/2006 08:55

It's not a case of thinking things should be left to mother nature, really, it's an objection to the view- that does seem to prevail (in the media???) that we should be slotting our children in around our busy lives. Want a child? OK diarise it to be born then, really want a girl, OK lets go and do a technique and get the girl and the hey presto here's the baby we wanted, the one we preferred the right model.

Using IVF to overcome infertility feels to me to be completely different. It's a medical procedure (and not a very pleasant one), whereas using it to choose a particular gender seems well - like shopping to me.

A woman locally went abroad for gender selction- the articles made me feel a bit sick tbh. The first time she was interviewed befor egoing she was saying "oh its amazing, in 4 weeks time I'll be pregnant and then we'll have a girl by xmas" - it didn't seem to occur to her that it might not work. Anyway it didn't, but it did the second time and she's been in the press again going on about how complete her family are now- photographed with her boys (who I'm sure MUST be thinking wtf?)

bundle · 06/06/2006 08:57

jimjams, it's amazing what people will say/do. what if her daughter turns out not to be "perfect"???

BudaBabe · 06/06/2006 09:07

Interesting question!

I have one DS conceived through IVF which we had done in Bangkok (were living in Asia at the time). Apparently if we had paid more we could have chosen the sex but of course were just so happy to be having a baby that the sex didn't matter.

Am about to do IVF again in August hopefully here in Budapest and it is much more regulated. Had a meeting with the fertility doc a few months ago and I had my DS (4) with me. After the meeting the doc asked DS if he would like a baby brother or sister. DS asked for 2 older brothers and a baby sister!!! Doc said he might struggle on that one!

I did jokingly say "but you will get me my little girl won't you?" to which I was told it would mean 3 years in prison for the doc if he was found to be influencing the gender in any way.

Draggedthrooabrush - I would say to you that if you really want another child then go for it and try the natural ways to influence the gender BUT be very sure it is a child you want and not just a girl. I knw someone a few years ago who really wanted a girl after 2 boys and got pregnant and when she found out the sex she took to her bed with depression for 2 weeks as she was so disappointed. She then decided that enough was enough and didn't want her 2nd and 3rd boys to ever feel that they were just born in the hopes of a girl. But she still found it very hard and had bad PND after the 3rd which she directly attributed to the whole wanting a girl issue. She said herself that it was obsessive and I know she went on to have counselling to find out why she was so desperate for a girl.

The other thing I would say is that your children are still very young - don't know how old you are but do you have to decide now? I would probably wait a bit till your boys get a bit bigger and decide then. And it will be less of a zoo that way!

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 06/06/2006 09:11

Disagree with gender selection, except to avoid life-limiting disease. IVF is fine but not for women who want to have babies at a very late age (like the woman in the news recently - but that's another thread).

I was in your position dtab. Had two boys, got pregnant again and was surprised and very pleased to have a girl. She's beautiful and brave and just happens to have a chronic congenital medical condition which at best badly restricts her and at worst will shorten her life. Be careful what you wish for.