TTC 10 + months, part 14 (eek)

[GinSoaked]

A friendly, supportive thread for lovely ladies taking waaay longer than they ever expected to win their babies

I just popped over to have a look and saw that you and mrsd have made some great comments.

Euro I don't know why I even look at them. The latest post just makes me want to bash my head on the wall repeatedly.

Just put my two pence worth on that thread. Back laterz x

Just put my two pence worth on that thread. Back laterz x

great post too sar. I had seen the thread earlier in the week but didn't open it because I could guess what some people would be saying. Not sure why I chose to open it this morning. It really upsets me to think that people would rather us be subjected to a lifetime of misery. Where is people's empathy?

The BESH were out in force on there a couple of days ago. I did think it was a bit more of a balanced discussion than you usually get on those threads because quite a few of the longtimers or people that had struggled in the past commented, but there were still some horrible and thoughtless comments.

Just ventured over there to read it and I have to take some of those anti-ivf on nhs bashers with a pinch of salt even though I felt my blood pressure rising as I read some of those posts. These people slither out of the woodwork with their "you barrens are not worthy of treatment" and "why don't you just adopt" comments. It's the same narrow mindedness and ignorance you see when the gastric bands on nhs debate comes up. I do see it as a kind of prejudice and they need to walk a mile or two in someone else's shoes before they pass judgement. I'm pretty sure they would swiftly change their tone if they did.

Gin - how are YOU today hon? I have been thinking of you lots. Is the good news starting to sink in?

Grouch - really great to hear that your HSG was all clear. It is a little bit scary when the dye is going through as there is so much riding on how tubes work. But the fact your womb and tubes have had a nice spring clean suggests you might not be one of the lucky ones who concieves straight after.

Joy - aw bless your MIL for the £100 - that might just cover your hospital appointment parking for a few months unfortunatly. Bless her for trying. Is she in a position to give a little more? If so do you think she realises the costs at all? Maybe bring her along one time to an appointment (I know this might not be practical) and see if she gets a flavour of things. I hope you are feeling better after the results from last week. I have noticed a little spark in your posts during the last few days - do you feel ready to move on with the next battle? Oh and well done on the tennis!!!

Euro - gosh you are working really really hard. I hope you aren't starting to feel run down? With all the recent events I would say you are a candidate for becoming under the weather. Make sure you book in some nice things like acu, a massage, a meal out etc. I was also wonderting if you could pop a couple of cheeky nurofen to delay ovulation a little next month to allow for better timmings?

Buzz - I love Kayla's personality. She just loves to get involved everyday doesn't she. I do remember pingy ovaries with downregging. Like euro I think it was the first few days. I imagine they are sort of shriveling up (temporarily mind).

Rabbit - noooo, I am really sorry and annoyed on your behalf for the head feck cycle. What's the latest today?

And Nelly - what is happening with you my lovely? Either way this is a win win. If AF stays away then all is good. If she appears then IVF is just around the corner. Either way your baby is not far away.

Madness - I hope the fancy weekend away was well posh and well lovely.

Well done to those who took up arms with the nhs ivf bashers today. The irony is, they are such outspoken, stubborn, arrogant and self serving individuals that if they were in our shoes they would be the first to collapse with the overwhelming injustice of it all.

I took a leaf out of Madness' book today and went for a swim followed by a woodland walk. That was followed by a shopping trip with Chumba to buy random and boring things such as a new mop, a new front door mat and a new landlne phone. Although I did manage to snap up a new maxi dress and wedges . I am now exhausted and will be having an early night.

Work is a bit of a worry, following talks with the unions and colleagues in the same boat, it seems not only is being de-banded a real threat so is short term contracts or even being sacked via the back door. The take over trust is well known for tying up the legal ishoos so the current permanent contract and reduncy rights are diminished and a new job with crap conditions has to be applied for with too many staff applying for it. We have been told to expect the worst to try and protect ourselves. Bloody hell, so much for paying for fertility treatment, the house will have to go if they give me the push. However I am not getting ahead of myself just yet, there is a few months before anthing will kick in and not every job will go of course. It has provoked me to start planing a business idea of my own however. How realistic it will be, I don't know.

Somone asked me upthread where Dr Tubes is - I am sorry I can't remember who asked. He is Sheffield based but well worth a trip out of area if a second opinion was needed. I can message more info if you can remind me who you are - sorry.

Since the Dr Tubes discussion I had felt a little more hopeful and certainly felt that the ishoos discussed made sense. But it is interesting to think about how powerful the mind is when it comes to long term ttc because it didn't take long for me to start worrying that this will all go tits up too. Sorry ladies, I know that makes me annoying and pathetic. But I think the psychology of repeated failed treatments leaves it mark. Please feel free to give me a slap. The truth is, I am starting to think my tubes might work but I want to be pregnant NOW.

And finally an embarressing question to end on - does anyone get heart palpatations or mild and brief labia throbbng during the leutal phase? I have had this the last couple of cylcles - maybe it is just weird old me and progesterone doing its thing.

There is no way I'm going to look at that Fred. I got really wound up by some comments on the guardian about ivf. I just don't think it's worth raising my blood pressure over - unless they suddenly become a barrener, they won't get it. Am getting cross just thinking about the type of comments that might be on there!

buzzy I'm still chuckling at the thought of kayla singing along with you. I hope the DIY went ok. We need to do some head in sand. I think everyone gave you good advice about a day 3 or 5 transfer. Your clinic and embryologists will advise. We weren't given a choice at all - just told the date of transfer!

euro I hope you actually have a day off today! I don't know how you are still standing.

rabbit I don't think you should be embarrassed by on Fred mentalling. That's what the Fred is here for! Sorry it didn't work out this time. Sore nips rather than sore boobs (not that I have much boobage) seem to be one of my symptoms. I'm pleased to hear that the witch's arrival wasn't too upsetting. I find having a plan of action for future cycles helps me when it does appear.

nelly has the witch properly turned up for you? Typical to get a headfuck cycle just before ivf.

Impressed at the tennis playing joy. I've been so lazy exercise-wise this winter and done bugger all. Do make sure you take it easy though. Is gestone injected into the back? Ouch!

sar so sorry to hear bout the job worries. I know you are new to your role, but does it count as continuous employment with 1 employer? If so, redundancy pay might be quite good? It's utterly shitty you are having to worry about this and the whole ttc thang. I am hopeful for you re ttc. I don't see why it might not happen naturally now? You are in good hands with Dr Tubes. I totally understand the fear, but you will get there.

grouch hope the cramping has eased. I'm hoping for a post hsg instaduff for you.

madness hope you have had a lovely weekend away. Great weather for it ( well, down here)!

So I did a FRER this morning when I woke at 4am bursting for a wee. It was a barely there v v faint line - cue lots of stressing about hcg levels. I then did another one at 10am (much to dave's disgust) and it was much more line like and appeared fairly quickly. Must get the blood test booked to see what's going on. Even if it turns out to be not viable, at least I now know that my womble will let something implant, which is something I've never been sure about. Sorry, I hope you don't mind me wittering on bout it here. Please tell me to shut up if it's pishing you off! I am still utterly in shock and it all feels so tenuous. Neither of us dare to believe it until the blood test.

joy I'm not sure if you have mentioned, but has the bleeding stopped yet? I remember when mine was easing off, you were saying that yours was still ongoing.

I'm sure you're absolutely right about the "walk in my shoes" point. If you have never had to contemplate a future without the family you desperately want, you don't won't have a clue.

gin my first lines (on internet cheapies, so v sensitive) were very, very faint, but within about a week they were as dark as the control line. I wouldn't believe it until the blood test either, despite telling many people on these boards that a line is a line! When are you having yours?

sar sorry about the job worries. That's not what you need now.

I have just over a week to go until my deadline. I took it "easy" today - my parents popped up for coffee this morning, so I had that off and just worked this afternoon. From home too - I've had enough of the office for this week. I'm tired though and seem to have picked up Mr Euro's sniffle.

Just read back my earlier post. Grouch I meant you MIGHT be one of the lucky ones. Sorry, x

Gin -please do tell us everything, every wobble, symptom and question. We are here to support you every step.

Euro - hoping the next week goes fast.

Gin that's great news that there is a line! I was almost breaking out the FRER myself, but more because I thought my internet cheapies must be broken!

I haven't seen the IVF thread and won't bother looking at it. I've long since learned that posting your views on an internet forum is never an effective method to educate people, and you will never change people's opinions. (At least not when it's about beliefs; it's a very good way to educate people when it is fact based, such as this thread :) )

Sar it's normal to have wibbles. None of us ever keep to the same steady state, there are always good days and bad days. You are allowed to be as worried as you want, we won't be annoyed, you know that :)

So I woke up this morning and realised that it was all over. I went to the loo and peed in a pot just in case, but when I realised the wee was a dark chestnut colour tipped it straight down the loo without testing, and sure enough AF was here. So will be starting IVF tomorrow. That was my longest ever cycle (other than the post IVF one) and I had been feeling a bit dizzy yesterday. I really hoped this was it; but I'm not sure why I expected this cycle to be any different (and I must learn to start believing the arctic piss sticks). I shouted at my body and told me it had let me down. It's bad timing because it's made me feel cross and negative, which is not a brilliant mental state to start IVF in. I don't really see it is going to work, and we are currently feeling quite poor, so I'm resenting the cost as well. I now think implantation must be my issue. I'm definitely going to use the fanny candles despite being told I don't need them. I am now thinking my progesterone falls off a cliff and do think that spotting is much more of an issue than it is made out to be. So a bit MEH today.

Hope everyone else is well. When are Critter and Lemon due back from their respective hols?

gin massive squeeze of celebrations, post here all you like you lovely person.

nelly sorry about the disappointing wee. I feel your pain. I too think spotting is not as fine as docs make out. It's funny we both have similar fsh I think? I think prog is my problem amongst other things. I have fanny candles from buzzy but with testing months I've felt I shouldn't use them. Maybe this month I'll give it a shot. My spotting was (sorry everyone) almost black last night. Yak! I've never had that. And today it's entirely gone. My body just doesn't get it.

euro bring on your deadline, you've worked really hard at a really hard time. Rest soon?

sar hug. It's normal to feel the emotional range I think of positivity and doom in waves. I try and ride them out these days but am obsessed with reading about fsh. google tells me im barren as a mule and most likely fertile depending on what I click on. If you can, try and keep hold of the big positives of your apt. You can concieve, you make good embryos. There may be sub ferility but I can only see good outcomes from my vantage point. Can't comment on the throbbing as I don't have that..but I do get all manner of luteal phase things, palpitations get me in the first half of the month though. Normally my tummy is much better in the tww, things slow down to normal pace but I get very itchy skin then? Never realised how my cycle point changes things.

I miss the grads too. Grads, bob in and give us an update of you get chance. We miss and remember you all!

Nelly also, good luck this round. Sorry I was thinking about out spotting and should have said that before. It's a numbers game and it only takes one. Go Nelly!

Also, I think we are almost out of 2013 births (not you gin!) but I hate odd numbers so bring on the 2014 due dates!

Af is here with raging cramps and backache so we are kind of cycle buddies nelly only yours will be more exciting! This hurts and has right taken the edge off my tasty roast dinner.

Sorry about the disappointment nelly. You'll be at a hormone low now, but once that has cleared, you can move to positivity about this cycle, which WILL work.

rabbit you are right - FF told me that if I had conceived this cycle (no chance as we didn't have swi!- I would have been due 20 December. I felt sad that it was my last chance of 2013, but maybe you are right and 2014 will be lucky for us.

Rabbit - big paw squeezes to you. I too have the pains to go with the general misery. Tis indeed shit, but we will both get through this :)

Thanks Euro I needed to hear that. You are probably right, it's hormones more than anything. I am sure I will feel better in a couple of days. And I've paid for the drugs now, I may as well use them!

Should be in bed as I'm so tired. Doh.

evening ladies, I'm bloody knackered after all the DIY, Kayla managed to brush herself up against the wall now she looks like she is going grey, pain in the butt to get the hair out of the paint. Anyway it has kept me suitable occupied

As for the IVF funding thread I had a quick look earlier,AIBU to question funding no AIBU to question funding without any research or thought into the subject yes I'm not sure why there are so many threads on it as its not as simple as a yes/no answer, are you going to cut funding to smokers/drinkers/obese people its just a bunch of bored insecure unimportant housewives who need to voice their opinions as no one else is listening to them.

nelly and rabbit sorry about the witch turning up

gin get that hcg test booked :)

sar sorry about the job, sounds like the good old NHS though, shafting everyone, surely the whole department won't go though??

well off to bed now . . .

Hi all, just to let you know I didn't post once just to disappear, I'm still here lurking. I'm at a very different stage to all of you though; we've been trying just over a year and we're just waiting for a referral to the fertility clinic for the first time. Sounds like good news from Gin, although I've not worked out what FRER stands for...

buzz I love your kayla updates! We were always decorating at home when I was younger and our cats were often speckled!

That thread was annoying, but I was really pleased to see the intelligent, well-thought out contributions from many (including several 10+ers). It was quite interesting - the comments arguing for funded NHS were clearly more intelligent and subtle than those coming from the 'what about cancer funding/children are not a right' crews.

numbers FRER = first response early response, i.e. a sensitive stick on which to pee. :)

gin how are you feeling today? Is it blood test time?

buzzy well done on the DIY. It's exhausting stuff.

numbers glad you're still here. The one year mark is tough and you are with resident experts!

Well after bleeding just before I went to bed it totally stopped. I ate some hobnobs and was greeted with a particularly noticeable evap line which had me excited for about a minute. No colour in it. It was a good un though. I'm now cd32 temps still up, cramps since Friday. Why the hell do my periods take so long to start? I know statistically my chances of natural conception are tiny. But this does my head in.

Are you sure it was an evap line?

It was grey euro. I just looked at it again. It's still grey! I'm not in a state of could i pregnant mental. More bothered about my periods lazy entrance and what it means . But whilst fsh of 10 is a little poor I'm pretty sure if I was menopausy it would be a lot higher (trying to calm self down)

Gin so glad that you have some more second lines to report. Don't think you shouldn't talk about it either. I want to hear, it's such exciting and happy news! Also, from a selfish viewpoint, it gives me a glimmer of hope for my FET!

nelly I'm sorry about the arrival of AF. I so wanted that ironic pre-IVF diff too and was gutted when it didn't materialise. It is especially buggersome that the bitch took her own sweet time to arrive too. I too think that my Progesterone falls off a cliff usually around 10DPO (taking the fanny candles kind of reinforced that for me). Definitely think that spotting is significant too.
Anyway forget the witch and onwards and upwards with IVF. Hurrah!

sar I was so pleased to read the good prognosis for you following your appointment with Dr Tubes. It is about time that you had some uplifting news. That said the wibbles is totally understandable. I think that it is very difficult to muster up TTC positivity at this point in the proceedings & it is human nature to imagine that our own bodies will be the exception & will let us down. However I do believe that the key sometimes is to imagine that one of us got the same advice from the hospital. It would sound really positive right? Not sure that I explained that very well!

buzzy Oh yes at the emulsioned furry babies! Once it dries you can pick it out Hope that the injections are going okay.

euro you so deserve a break from work. Have you got any holiday time on the horizon?

rabbit Sorry that you have got your AF too and raging cramps.

numbers Have you got any idea what the wait time is for a referral? I know that you might be at a different point to most of us in the journey but we all remember all the tests to get here so feel free to bombard us with questions

I bimbled over to that other thread about IVF and wasn't surprised to find that it was full of all the usual drivel. I can't even be arsed to react to it anymore. The fact is nobody wants to walk in a barrens shoes and so has never contemplated what it is like to go through years of TTC or repeated MCs. Being lucky enough to have a family is a nice safe vantage point from which to make sweeping statements and judgements on other people who haven't been so lucky. I find it so incredibly offensive that the underlying tone always seems to be that having a baby isn't a right, it's just luck and we have been dealt the unlucky hand and have to suck it up. That would be true if we were talking about winning the lottery or having a big house or dream job or stunningly good looks (you get the idea) but we are talking about something that actually does feel very much like a right or at least a given. We were put on the earth to reproduce and it is a deep biological pull. I know that I have mentioned egg sharing on here but it hacked me off no end when someone was spouting on that all women needing IVF ought to go down that route. Simply mindblowingly ignorant.

Well looks like I ovulated super early this cycle on around CD9. EWCM appeared for 3 days and disappeared???????? Maybe it's my body settling back down or maybe my ovaries geared up to ovulate but decided against it.

rabbit you need to pee on a proper hob nob, also gin had a faint line

gin anymore exciting news for us

numbers there are still some abbreciations that I am not sure about still, just feel free to ask, and also join in its good to have your say even if you are at a different stage of the journey :-)