Rainbow babies. Remembering our angels, riding the rollercoaster and hoping for little rainbows and sunshine.

[Little9]

An angel in the book of life wrote down our babies births. And whispered as she closed the book...too beautiful for this earth.

Fingers crossed for rainbows and BFPs for everyone!

Misschord I'm so sorry that you find yourself here with us, but welcome. Its good to be able to talk with people who know exactly what you are feeling right now and we all do. Six weeks is such a short time since you lost your DD, I hope you're being easy on yourself.

Google thanks for the link to that article, It was so spot-on. I was going to send it to friends an family but in the end I chickened out, didnt want them to feel bad about how they've treated me as I know none of them has willingly meant to hurt me. Re: NILMDTS...yes I had a bit of a panic too when I sent the photos of A, but in her very first email the photographer told me about losing her own little boy and that she would treat them with utmost respect and care as she knew how precious they were, so I sort of relaxed. I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandad, how did the kids take it?

Owl Sorry to hear you had to go through all the painful story yet again with your midwife, hope the visit went well and youre rid of the heartburn and constant starving! I think youre right about it being sweet that my Dad wanted to include Alex in with all the famliy pics, and in a way I would like to see her photo up there with the rest of his grandkids. Maybe at a later date. Had to have a little tear when I read about your Unlce mentioning your DD at your grannys funeral, that was so touching.

Little good luck with the TTC, its so important that you can feel youre going to be looked after properly. Good for you for talking about your DDs whenever you get the opportunity!

Amiasmummy congrats!!!!

Oliviarose hope you are hanging in there

AFM well we have finally decided to take the plunge and have one last try. I am soooooooo petrified as this really IS our last try. I have my first scan on Friday and start the meds, hopefully all being well transfer end of August. I am going to have to inject myself before and during the pregnancy (praying I get that far) with Clexane, they tell me that will help avoid the probs we had with Alex. This will be our eighth year of TTC...

Sorry if I've missed someone, hugs to all xx

Good luck miss, got everything crossed for you. Xx

Thanks Little hopefully both of us will be able to post our BFPs on here soon

Gosh its quiet on here...hope its cos everyone is away on relaxing, exotic holidays!

Just thought I'd break the silence

Hi guys, hope all is well.

missalex congrats on taking the plunge and going for another try. I will be keeping everything crossed for a bfp for you, i so hope it works out this time.

misschord hope you are ok, realised i said Sept 13 in last post, of course it was Sept 12! Hope it's going ok re stepdaughter and rest of your family.

Thinking of you amiarosemummy, hope you are feeling ok, not feeling too sick or tired. I feel vile tbh, can't remember feeling this bad the first time round. I was sick all night the other day, every 20 minutes. In the end i ate a biscuit, which sort of goes against everything you would normally do if you felt sick, and it did stop then, thankfully. Most of the time i just feel grotty and starving. Off on holiday on Tuesday, so hoping to feel a bit better by then. I reckon i'm about 9 weeks now.

Got a bit upset yesterday talking to my mum. I'm so pleased and thankful to be pregnant again, but it's all so scary and i can't help thinking that bad things are going to happen since the pretty much worst thing has already happened iyswim. I was saying what if there's nothing there when i have the scan, what if something goes wrong when we are on holiday.

My mum was so great, she said she can't pretend to know what i'm going through because she hasn't had to go through it, but she understands how scary it must be, and just to take it one day at a time. Focus on the positive. I'm trying to do that, but it is so hard, and to think there is another 7 months of this worrying. It's only going to get more scary as the time goes on.

Got two weeks of holiday and then i'm having the scan the day after we get back. Looking forward to it and dreading it, it's like the singularity i'm building up to. How are you managing these feelings missalex?

Hope all are well on here, waves to jules, star, google, little, oliviarosemummy. Hope the ttc is going well, i so want bfp for all of you, hope i haven't missed anyone.

Hi Ladies, I haven't been on here for a while and am sorry to see so many new names, I don't think I "know" most of you but this thread was my lifeline not so long ago. My little boy Jacob was stillborn nearly 2 years ago, will be 2 years on the 12th, a few days time. I'm struggling a bit so ashamed to say I've searched the thread in need of a bit of understanding, feeling guilty that I haven't been on to support anyone else but still see news from some of you on the facebook group.
I'm going to have a read, try to get to know some of you, see how those I know are doing and then no doubt be back in a while with some more ramblings.

Hey - just checkin in with everyone. How are we all doing?
Hi August - sorry to hear about your little boy Jacob. My baby Ben was stillborn last November at term plus 12 days. Life has been so hard since.
I didn't know about the Facebook group - can anyone join? What's it called as I've looked for rainbow babies and there are a good few groups!
Waves to everyone and hoping people are having a gentle time. I've come down with terrible pharyngitis so I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself amongst everything else.
Hugs x

Hi all, just a quickie to say I'm off on holiday, so will be off line for two weeks!

All look after yourselves, will meet you properly Augustmoon in a fortnight.

Hello all. Hope you're all having gentle sunshiny days.

missalex I'm so pleased you're trying again, I was really hoping you would. Hope you're not feeling too hormonal atm and I'm another one with everything crossed for you :).

misschord I'm sorry you find yourself here, but a very warm welcome. My ds was stillborn 4 months ago after the placenta suddenly came away with no warning at 36 weeks. I am lucky to have other dcs but still miss my beautiful Eddy so much, as do they.

owl hope you're having a lovely time wherever you are :).

august hope you're doing ok and will be thinking of Jacob on Monday.

jules that's rubbish, sorry you're feeling poorly :( Hope its getting better now? Mind you, didn't several people up thread conceive the month they were ill? Will keep fingers crossed for that too...

Afm, not been on here as much - been rushing around rather than mning. Have had some good times and seen some old friends but have kept having to shove my grief down and keep going and now I'm feeling the need for space and struggling with being around people. Does anyone else find that if they're very busy for a while? And can anyone further down this road tell me when I might manage to go a little time without Eddy always being in my head? I'm finding my emotions and constant thoughts really tiring. (Hmm, maybe time for bed...).

Hello to all those I've missed

Hi everyone, hope you're having a peaceful weekend. I have been spending lovely time with my family but feeling a bit spaced out and lacking in concentration. Trying to get a focused head back on.

My stepdaughter's 4-year-old son, my husband's grandson, is currently in hospital very poorly, with something potentially life-threatening. I am feeling awful because she is obviously going through hell but I just can't bring myself to forgive her for criticising aspects of my daughter's funeral 5 weeks ago. I am trying to make supportive noises, offering to look after her daughter, cook her meals etc., but I am still so angry with her. Under these circumstances I feel that I should be able to let it go, but I can't. I guess she is the only one who did anything to make me angry, so all my anger is directed at her. Trying very hard to be a supportive stepmother but failing miserably!

Googledoodle, I absolutely know what you mean about needing space every so often. Even straight after my daughter died I feel like I didn't have time to process anything until weeks afterwards because of the constant stream of people coming to see us. It was wonderful and supportive but I think our grief changes from day to day and we need time to catch up with it.

Lots of love to all. x

Google totally know what you mean about needing "time out" from people after a while. I find it just about do-able for a couple of hours with people I like and want to be with...but with social obligations who might not even know about A (or dont want to even mention her) I find my patience disappears a lot sooner. I just want to escape back home to my private space where if I feel like it I can just sit and cry or look at her photos. I'm afraid I have no idea when you wont have Eddy constantly in your head...I am 8 months down the line and I find that anything (and I really mean anything) brings A to the forefront of my thoughts. Hope youre feeling a bit better

Misschord your loss is so recent, I think you might be expecting too much of yourself if you hope to be focused right now. I would say I cannot believe how insensitive your stepdaughter is being...but experience (and reading the ladies on here) has shown me that people in general can be so hurtful. How dare she critisize your daughters funeral !!?? That makes me so angry, there is no way you should be feeling that YOU should let it go! I sympathise with her son's illness of course, but please dont beat yourself up about not being able to forgive her...I think you are doing more than could be expected by even trying to help her out in YOUR current situation. There are things my mother in law and sister both said to me not long after losing Alex that I still havent forgiven them for, and to be truthful I dont think I ever will. I simply feel "different" towards them now, much more distant. Oh and youre not alone on the trying to be a good stepmother thing, Ive been trying for years and still fail miserably. Or maybe its my stepdaughter who is simply insufferable

AFM had the second scan yesterday and started with the endo preps. Also started the Clexane injections they hurt!!

Star havent heard from you in a long time, are you ok?

Waves to all xx

Google forgot to ask...have you made any decisions about Eddy's memorial?

xx

Good morning everyone.

I have name changed so I don't out myself. I got a BFP yesterday, and think I'm about 9 weeks. I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and an 16 month old angel son.

Holy shit.

scaredysausage I cannot work out who you really are so your disguise is working at least on me.... But I just wanted to say that although scary, I hope this will be gentle for you.
This thread has been so supportive for me, even tho I just lurk most days and don't post loads.... Im approaching the one year anniversary of my son and also miscarried my rainbow in march but I remember before miscarrying that I felt so scared every day. Hopefully it might start to get more real and then more comfortable for you. I hope you can reveal who you are soon too!

Hope everyone else is doing ok and having a gentle time. Waves to everyone x

Hi everyone, and a very sad welcome to the new people, I'm sorry you find yourselves here, but it really is a great place of support.

Sorry not to read back fully and name check, thank you for asking after me Miss, I'm ok, but just find that I need a bit of a break from MN for a while (even though you are all wonderful). It is coming up to F's birthday and am just doing what I can to stay at a steady, even, uneventful and boring pace of life.

I do feel bad that I haven't been around to support and share with everyone recently, so I am sorry, I hope you understand. I will be back, I just need a bit more time.

xxxxx

And congrats scaredysausage I hope the next 7months are easy on you x

Thanks Jules and Star.

I have my midwife appointment on Friday, and I really hope they will arrange a scan asap. My consultant from before always said she'd do an early reassurance scan, but she's on annual leave - typical!

Luckily, I'm off work for a couple of weeks at the moment, to enjoy my daughter's last days before big school, so I don't have to tell them, plus I don't have to do anything much if I'm not up for it, which I'm really not at the moment. I feel rather ! Movie day for us today.

April 2014 ante-natal thread is full of people who have a) already choosen their pram, b) brought an entire maternity wardrobe and c) trying to work out (at 5w+3d) if they are having a boy or a girl. . Think I'll stay here...

Congratulations scaredy, got everything crossed it all works out. Here for handholding if required. Oh, to have such innocence!!!

Am currently waiting for af to show. Don't think we've fallen this month . Why is this so bloody difficult! Have had to make a conscious effort this week not to bite anyone's head off. Hate all the bloody waiting! Waiting to see if I'm pregnant, waiting to get to 12 weeks, etc. Hate all the upheaval when there's a very high chance I won't get past 20 weeks. Hate that I hate all this when it should be such a joyful, exciting time! Sorry, didn't mean to rant.

Hope everyone else is ok. Xxx

Thanks Little9, fc for you. It's such a shame that we can't just be excited.
I have my midwife appointment this afternoon, I really hope she sends me for a scan. J and I are both convinced it's in our heads!

Scaredy - hope your mw appointment went well. Are they referring you for a scan?

Hi all
I'm not new, but scaredy's namechange made me think about changing, at least for a bit because of what I want to post - anyone really looking would work it out, as I'm sure you all will . I've posted stuff that totally outs me irl previously so hopefully I'll be slightly less obvious this way, at least for a few weeks.

missalex no, we've put it to one side for a bit - and currently on holiday.
scaredy congratulations - I took from your post that you normally post on mn generally rather than here so we wouldn't necessarily have already 'met' you, but now I'm not sure - so welcome if you're new to this thread, and either way hope its just the support you need :).
little whether you're still waiting for af or not, I hope you're feeling ok.
misschord hope your stepdaughter's son is on the mend? And that you're managing ok, it sounds a really hard situation.
star and jules hope the days are passing uneventfully and gently for you approaching your dc's birthdays x

Afm I'm on holiday, I've put a photo on my profile - I took it today and was thinking of us all - really teared up standing there thinking of each of you I've 'met' on here and our experiences. The rainbow faded in and out a bit as the sun was brighter or less so, but it's there all the time as the spray from the waterfall causes it. Hope it gives you a feeling of hope as you look at it too.

Also... af is a few days late showing no sign and I keep feeling yuck. And feel better when I eat. Not dared to poas - should I? Not mentioned it to dh yet either, don't want to change the dynamic of the hol. Keep thinking I'll just ignore for another day... I can pretend everything's fine at the moment and not start bricking it yet...? I actually feel quite scared when I think about it, and I'm not yet back at work so there's all the logistics starting to go round in my head along with all the what ifs...

Hi BlueSky

fx very tightly for you.

My stepdaughter's son is now home, thanks for asking. In the end it turned out to be a virus which his body has now started to fight off, so everything's OK. Thanks for asking. xxx

Hi BlueSky, yes I should have clarified, I haven't posted on this thread before. Hope your holiday continues nicely and you can ignore the funny feelings for as long as you want to.

Glad to hear you stepdaughter's son is on the mend, misschord.

MW appointment wasn't great, Little9, thanks for asking. She was very bluff and hearty, and started things off by asking "So, how far did you get last time, then?" which made me want to kick her and walk out. She couldn't answer any of my questions, and even said at one point (with regards to not having an epidural in the event I'm induced) "I don't really know, I've never had children". When I told my mum she got really angry. She has offered to pay for us to have a private midwife, which I am strongly considering. I asked about an early scan and she said she'd put the form in and hope that it's soon, which isn't really the same thing, but my consultant is back from annual leave on Monday, so I may call her and ask her to sort it out.

Hope you're all having a lovely weekend. x