Fantastic Forty Plus, part 9, this time is our time,bring on the bfp's!

[hopefulgum]

We've filled out thread - I do hope you all find your way here. I can't add a message on the old thread to let you know it is here...

This new thread, will no doubt have its own set of bfp's and babies. I am excited to see what it brings.

Irish....raa to af. Bloody cow.
Sadly dp has to return to barracks tomorrow. :(.....and still dont know how i will get home from hospital. My lovely aunty had to have a bowel ressection op last week and it wasnt too succesful so she was taken to theatre again yesterday and is now on itu. She is my moms twin sister so they are very close and mom is very wrapped up with her just now, which i totally undrstand.
Im sure i will find a way home.

That's terrible about your aunt CaliBee ,it must be upsetting and a worry for your mom.
I think though that one of the reasons they recommend you have someone to bring you home from hospital and look after you is the general anaesthetic, you can recirculate it and go through phases of being sleepy and dizzy for a while afterwards.Hospitals seem to want to move patients out of beds as soon as possible! Could your sister or a friend come to collect you? Wish I could help.

Afternoon ladies from a very snowy Kent! Just trying to catch up with all the threads here! Hello to all the new ladies and much love to everyone having tough times, big hugs Calibee but it's lovely to have each other to chat too! I'm having a really funny day - have felt grotty past two days I'm about 7dpo (I think! only know that from temping!) having some spotting today actually starting to think my cycle is just all over the place - time for docs?

Quick update ladies.....the torture continues.
This mornings scan showed a clear 3mm fetal pole (which has never been visible before)....this of course means that they will definately not perform the ERPC tomorrow. I am totally shocked by this and if I'm honest I found it a lot easier to get my head around whilst thinking that a baby had never developed. They have arranged another rescan in a fortnights time.
Due to the fact I am bleeding and have mild period pain the nurse seems to think it may happen before then.
This all sounds soo eerily similar to our jbrd's sad story.

Calibee I've been mostly lurking but had to come on to say that this is exactly what happened to me. I can't remember where you are in your dates, but I was certain about mine, we'd not had sex since the big event 3 months previous, so the sudden appearance of something most certainly did not mean we were going to carry a lovely baby to term. We put our foot down and very politley said that we were not happy waiting further, that if we'd come for an abortion they would not make us wait, that we would sign any form clearing them of whatever ethics must hold them to that policy... and in the end I was made to meet with a consultant who, I was told, would re-scan me, and I was prepared for this, but when he came in I repeated that we were absolutely certain of our dates, I was dry eyed and very rational (don't know how) and he believed us and got me booked in for the erpc two days later (in the end I didn't need it but that's by the by). Please, if you are certain about your dates demand what you need, it's cruel making you wait another week because of a simple mistake in by the technician. I've probably over reacted to your post having so recently beenthere myself so do also ignore the ravings of a loony. Of course it woul dbe better if it hapens naturally too if that's what you want.

Calibee - that is quite strange that a feotal pole appears like that. i suppose I just thought that it stopped developing or it developed at the right speed - I didn't realise it could sporadicly continue - IYSWIM. It's all so bloody torturous. Sorry you are having to go through this. i must confess i chose an EPRC the first time - once you know it's not gonna result in your dreams you do just kinda want the nightmare to end. The second time i did have a natural MC and it wasn't too bad - not half as bad as I had imagined. hoping this is all resolved really soon for you. The good news is that you and DP are obviously able to get pregnant you just need a good egg and I'm sure it will happen for you. XXX

sparkly I would be about 9 weeks now. But this uncertainty has been going on since the first scan three weeks ago on New 'years Eve. Thankyou for sharing your experience. I have decided that as my Gp has signed me off for 2 weeks that I will give it a week at least. I am bleeding heavier by the day and the pain is also steadily increasing. I would prefer to pass it naturally as much as anything because I have little support around just now should I need to be admitted.
hippy I too was shocked by this....last thing I expected. The sac size however had not increased since last week and is now irregular. Could two songraphers have missed it maybe.....or maybe because it is degenerating it has moved or somehow be sharper to see??
I dropped DP off earlier...I was brave and didnt sob, just a few tears lol. He will hopefully make it home intime for the next scan

Calibee...I don't know what to say...but thinking of you and our jbrd...xxxx

Calibee, it sounds to me like it is happening naturally - which would be my preference, incidentally. Never had a mmc but had 2 x mc (at 13w and 6w) both of which resolved naturally - and started much as you describe your symptoms. I have read that the ERPC procedure can have a detrimental effect on ttc due to scarring (in the same way that instrumental births apparently can). I don't know much about it though so you might want to look into it - I imagine that the effects are fairly slight, but still...

remnant, I had to laugh at "I think you just have to convince your body you don't have a very young baby dependant on you." She'll be three in May! But she will often feed every 3-4 hours, day and night - the surprise is that my cycles came back at all. Interesting to hear that your DC is still feeding - I feel slightly ambivalent about ttc knowing how much she loves bf and not wanting to take it away from her by getting pg.

Hello to Zeuxippe and GogoGobo.

CaliBee - oh hun, I don't know what to say to you, apart from the so often used, lame-sounding 'I know exactly how you feel'! All this waiting, all the heart break, all the emotions, it really looks as if you are re-living my story. And I so do not wish that this should happen to anyone!
You are in the same position now, and from the sounds of it, you are feeling exactly the same, you poor thing. My hospital was exactly the same - as soon as they found the heartbeat, the pregnancy was back on track to 'normal', according to them. My next scan would've been the 12-week dating scan, nothing was offered!
But I was also so very sure about my dates, and because they measured the embryo more than 2 weeks smaller than what it should've been at that stage, I was very very wary of getting my hopes up... Which of course I did then anyway, especially when my bleeding slowed down.

But you say that the nurse agrees with your expectation of a mc? Might they then scan you sooner, if they also think that it's still ongoing? A lot can happen in a week... Making you wait another 2 weeks is brutal.
(I sometimes wonder if the NHS has to be seen supporting the natural management route for mc, esp before the 12 week point. After that, everyone appears to be getting an EPRC immediately. All very well, but it can be soul-destroying!)

I wish you all the strength possible for whatever is going to happen!

Sorry for not more name-checking, I still need to read the other posts! This norovirus well and truly floored me for the weekend, and I am most probably not going to go into work tomorrow yet, holding out till Tuesday - still feeling grotty.
That and the snow will most likely make driving to work impossible anyway!

Thankyou jbrd it really is very similar to your experience.
The nurse who seemed to believe it isnt a viable pregnancy is also the one who booked the scan for in 2 weeks. To be fair she did say that if I began to bleed heavily with clots that they may be able to bring it forward.

I am feeling guilty about not being at work and had even toyed with the idea of venturing in tomorrow. But am put off as my emotions are a total mess and the thought of having a sudden large bleed at work is just too much to bear.

Oh Calibee, so sorry this is still going on. Please don't go into work. I know you'd like a distraction, but honestly, emotions will be all over the place, and if things get painful and there is heavy bleeding you won't want to be at work.

I don't know why they are making it so difficult for you to have an ERPC when it is clear that the pregnancy won't be progressing.I was told that when the sac is "irregular" it means it is breaking down. When I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, my doctor scanned, saw something about 1cm in size and was very clear that there was no point getting my hopes up. I can't really understand the reluctance on the part of your doctor not to move on? Is it because they still feel there might be a chance that a baby is there?

But if your pain and the bleeding are increasing it sounds like it is happening naturally.

Jbrd, I hope you feel better soon. The Norovirus sounds ghastly.

Hello and welcome to newbies.

Big wave to Hippy. I don't think it was silly of you to be hopeful for a BFP, especially as you were late and had cravings. I'd be thinking exactly the same thing.

However, ladies I think my days of ttc are probably finished. I can actually write that without feeling too awful. I think I have got my head around letting it go. I feel ready to move on.But it is mainly due to my DH's attitude. I just don't think I could bear the negativity from him. Last night at dinner we were talking about something - oh my daughter asked me about my career. Anyway I said something about how I never thought I'd have kids until I was at least 35, but once I'd had my first at 24 (accidental pregnancy,but very welcome) I realised how much I love having kids and wanted many. I said that I had a "mothering" instinct or something. My husband asked,"do you still feel that way", and I joked,"After this summer with DS(who has been a handful),I'm not as keen, but if it happened,I'd be okay with that". He looked aghast and said,"You are joking I hope? I really wouldn't want that". My reply was, "well, it is so unlikely, it would be a miracle, so I'd treat it as such". He muttered something about how it wouldn't be a miracle, more like a curse.

So I think his feelings are very clear, and though I will not take steps with contraception (I actually think there's no need, I now believe, in my case, that it is extremely unlikely that I'll fall pregnant), I am actually feeling okay about not having another baby. I am starting to think about putting more energy into myself, thinking about being free to do other things. I never thought I'd get to feeling okay about this, but it is true about time and healing, and it has been a long time since my miscarriages, and though I feel sad about losing those babies, I am no longer feeling the desperation to have a baby to help heal the hurt.

I am sorry if talking about this is insensitive to anyone on the thread, I don't mean it to be.

I will still be hanging around the snug (this thread) because I'd like to see everyone else get their heart's desire.

CaliBee it just doesn't get any easier for you does it, it must be such a rollercoaster of emotions for you at the moment.
I agree with gum that going into work tomorrow might not be the best idea, you could be feeling very emotionally fragile and you're much better off at home if things progress physically.
JBrd having norovirus while you're still recovering from a miscarriage must be draining,look after yourself!
gum I don't think you're being insensitive at all,just honest and open.
I know there is a very real possibility that at some stage I'll have to face up to the fact that I just might not manage to have my much longed for last baby.
I find it reassuring to hear you say that time helps heal the hurt and that feeling of desperation and longing can fade.My losses still feel very recent and raw, I have another due date coming up at the beginning of February and then again in March.For now I still feel I would regret not at least trying but if it doesn't work out I hope I can reach acceptance.
Please stay on the thread even if you're not actively ttc, you'd be missed!

Thanks Irish.

I think the length of time I have been thinking about having a baby,waiting to ttc (I waited for about three years before my DS as my DH had to have a vasectomy reversal and wasn't keen for a long time, then he had the operation, and then I had to wait some more. Then after my DS was born I had to wait for my fertility to return,despite wanting to ttc when DS was 10 months old, my fertility didn't return until he was about 18 months), then ttc for three years now, I have had plenty of time to think about it all. I TBH I think I am tired of it all.

I think I have also exhausted all the different things to try - apart from assisted conception, but that was never on the cards. So,having tried it all, I am now ready to let it go. I know I did what I could.Gave it my best.

I have passed two of my due dates and the third is coming up soon, but that was a very early miscarriage and I haven't felt it as keenly as the others. But it is true that it becomes easier.

If my DH had a different attitude I would still be feeling optimistic and trying for my precious last baby. But it is too hard to ignore his feelings. He has made huge sacrifices for me already - having the reversal,and having DS when he was 48 and really ready to move onto the next phase of his life. I love him dearly (despite my whinging online ) and I think it is probably time for me to give him the opportunity to move to the next phase in our lives.

Having said all that, my heart still has a little dip every time I see a newborn, or teeny tiny clothes,or look at photos of my children when they were babies.

Calibee I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Why do they need you to wait - is it just in case? Does that mean there is a chance?

If it isn't to be, then I really hope that nature deals with it swiftly.

Take care. xxx

hopeful You sound like you have done a lot of reflecting and your posts sound like you have finally found a small bit of peace with your decision?
I hope so..

I also hope that you do stick around on this thread!

Morning to all.
Oh hopeful you really are racking your brains to make that decision to stop aren't you?? I feel every ounce of your hand ringing. I wonder if just a complete pullback on all the activities surrounding ttc would be a kind of middle ground for you both. No charting or temping or using any sort of opk's....I'm pretty sure after doing it for so long you have an idea when ovulation is happening anyway. Make love because you love each other and if anything happens...then so be it. I also think that putting energy into yourself is an excellent way of distracting yourself. I think a lot of the activities surrounding ttc become habit and like any habit ,they need to be broken. I hope you can slowly come to peace with your thoughts sweet.

lizard I think the wait is because they saw progression...of sorts. Having never seen a fetal pole before, it was a new development, even the sonographer said she wished she hadnt seen it. It is absoloutely obvious to me that the pregnancy is not going to go very far (but an agonising wait nevertheless). From what I can work out the fetus is around the size of a 6 week pregnancy and it has taken nearly10 weeks to get this far....so unless I'm an elephant in disguise its pretty obvious its wrong. I do understand their caution....but not a 2 week wait. If a fetal pole had developed/become viewable between last Wednesday and Sunday then surely a week would be sufficient?? I may well in the next couple of days find the strength to call and push my point, but right now I feel fragile and strangely vulnerable (not a natural feeling for me...I'm usually pretty invincible).

CaliBee I can only echo what gum and Irish said - you might want the distraction, but I really wouldn't recommend going to work either. With so much going on both physically and emotionally, it's just going to be so hard.

gum - it sounds as if you are starting to make a decision about ttc, I really wish it will bring you some peace of mind finally! It must be so so hard, after all this time and all the longing. But I can also imagine that it could be a relief to finally draw the line and start to focus on other things... Like you say, it's not just us who's in this, other people do get very affected by it all.
Whatever you decide, I hope it'll make you happy!

I've not gone into work today...only feeling slightly guilty about it. My sick note included today (well, that's how I read it anyway, 14-21 Jan ), so I am milking it to the max.
Finally starting to feel more human, this stomach bug has knocked the last remaining wind out of me - not that there was much left! I really feel drained and deflated, wondering how I can get my spirits back, and my health/energy. Might pop into the pharmacy later and see what high boost vitamin cocktails they have, I think I need a bit more clout than just a little extra Vitamin C.

Emotionally, I'm so-so . Good(ish) days and bad... I'm struggling to see how I can pick myself up again after the miscarriage and start ttc again. All linked to my general low feeling mentioned above, I'm sure.
Doesn't help that I'm still bleeding, not a lot, and only brown blood, but it's a reminder of what has happened every time I go to the loo. I felt so relieved when the bleeding stopped after the ERPC, but I celebrated too soon. I know it's normal, I know it all takes time, but I'm struggling to stay rational and matter-of-fact. And I struggle to explain this to DH, which makes it all more difficult, sigh.
To top it all off, the 2nd anniversary of my dad's death is coming up - it doesn't feel that long ago! I miss him dearly, probably more intensely at the moment. He was such a kind and generous person, and part of me will be forever sad that he never got to meet his first grandchild (I was pg with DS when he passed away).

Think I'll try and walk over to the shops now, get some fresh air and blow the cobwebs away!

Aww jbrd I really feel for you, and so sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my Dad very suddenly nearly 11 years ago. There isnt a day goes by that I dont think about him and wish to hear his very wise words. My Dad could say in one sentence something that I would struggle to portray in a whole conversation!!!
I have done as you said and stayed away from work today...I ventured to primark to stock up on big knickers and then to the Drs to collect my sick note but as I was out the pain and bleeding increased a lot so I have hurried back home armed with kitkat chunky peanut butters and crisps .
Are you sure you are ready to return to work?? You still sound so drained and your emotions are still up and down by the sounds of it hardly surprisingly. Maybe you could get your sicknote extended??

Gosh ladies, I've missed so much on this thread. Will catch up properly tomorrow...got smiley face on opk, off to dtd. Couldn't feel less in the mood, as my libido has left the building recently, but I want a baby, damn it! Love to all x

Reading and waving before I go to sleep.

I felt like I was on a bungee to the GP surgery today back and forth up and down a snowy hill, I must have gone in and out of the building half a dozen times. By the time I got home I was too knackered to do anything else, so I didn't . Somehow the snow and medication side effects are making me feel much less guilty about doing nothing with a and .

Isabeller - wish I could join you with and ... Never feel guilty about that . Hope you're recovering from the exertion, I feel tired just from reading! What's going to happen next with your medication/treatments?

CaliBee - how are you doing...?

Amberini - hope you're feeling less grotty! Any chance the spotting could be from implantation...?

I'm back at work today (boo) for the first time in over 4 weeks. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Fortunately, things have been plodding along nicely without me, my absence hasn't caused too much disruption, it seems. Trying to catch up with the latest developments now, getting my head around thinking about work stuff again. Need to get rid of quite a few cobwebs!

On a (much) more positive note, I tested this morning and it was negative! A lot sooner than expected, it's only been 10 days since the ERPC. Can't remember the last time I was this happy about a BFN . I feel as if I finally might start turning a corner and go back to normal (whatever that is in the mad world of ttc)

jbrd I'm glad you are starting to put those first tentative steps forward to getting your life back. I can absolutely understand you being pleased at the negative test...I'm sure I will feel the same. To me it will almost signify the beginning of a new phase of ttc. Have you thought about if/when you would like to start trying again?

I'm still stuck in this inbetween land. I seem to be sitting in a pattern of getting really intense pains through the morning leading to the passing of clots and debris then it eases off late afternoon. I'm pretty sure the sac has not yet passed. I stupidly arranged for the estate agents to call at midday today to do a house inspection. How on earth I kept a straight face as I tried not to double over with the pain I dont know.

How is every body else doing??

Catching up - you've all been busy! It would take forever for me to comment on everything but I've read it all. A special word for calibee though - so sorry it's dragging on like this. And another for jbrd - yes, under the circumstances a BFN is great news, what a relief.

As for me, I've kind of lost interest. Which doesn't mean that I want a BFP any less (with a baby afterwards, obviously, unlike the last one), just that for the moment I can't be bothered worrying about it. I don't even know what CD I am (I know I announced the arrival of AF here so if I really wanted to know I could trawl back through the thread...but I don't really want to know). I wonder if I'm in some kind of denial as my due date's in mid-Feb; I just imagined I'd sail through it with another pregnancy well on the way and obviously that's not going to happen (even if I get a BFP this month it'll still be really early days on the due date). Anyway, whatever the reason, I don't much care as actually I feel much more relaxed about the whole thing. Also, since my MC I'd got myself into an awful mindset, 'all I've got is my job and even though it's supposed to be my dream job in actual fact I hate it and for a while there I thought I had a baby to look forward to and now there's nothing, just this stupid job'...but over the last couple of weeks I've found myself really enjoying work again.

And something else which is making me less stressed is that a few weeks ago I initiated a huge on-going discussion with DP about what I will and will not do for his DCs (8, 4 and 2.5 - they spend every other week with us). We all get on so well that I think DP kind of forgets that I'm not their mum so he does tend to rely on me a bit much. It's hard because I care about them enormously and I do a lot for them from choice, whilst being acutely aware that they're not 'mine'. Starting a proper discussion about it has made me much more relaxed and may just have taken some of the pressure off TTC - again, not that I want it any less, but I'm feeling a little less desperate.

Well, what do you know? There's clearly more going on in my head than I thought - I wasn't planning to say any of that, I only meant to say hello! (I think it's the meditation that I started a couple of weeks ago - I feel like knots in my head are being unravelled).

I echo morien?s sentiments ? I can?t comment on everyone?s stories as there have been so many. All I can say is that you are made of stern stuff ladies and I salute you!

Given the difficulty of some of your journeys I fear I must warn that I am about to have a moan about really trivial stuff so forgive me! I will endeavour to ?man? up a bit when I get it off my chest?..

So after last month?s weirdo cycle (all 20 days of it) I have started acupuncture to go along with every other thing I am trying in the western hemisphere. I started getting ovulation pains around CD12/13. No CB smiley face but I tried some Tesco?s own brand and it could have been positive (or I just really wanted it to be) but I kept going?.and bingo yesterday, got my smiley face at CD15 and my DP simultaneously becomes ill (not his fault but hello ? timing?! He hasn't been ill for 3 years - why at this exact moment agh!) BD?s was simply out of the question he was running a fever even though he offered with sweat running down his face bless him (reminded me of that scene in Angela?s Ashes when he has sex with a consumptive girl). This morning smiley face number 2 appears who-hoo??DP still lying in bed running a fever and groaning, however DP starts to feel better during the day but going away on business trip tonight?calls me at work - I sneak out and drive 30 miles home at top speed and when we get down to it?.he can?t finish!- I thought we were going to have to get the WD40 out there was almost smoke!.....So I spend 30 mins reassuring him it?s ok then belting it back to work?aghghghghghgh!) What are we doing to ourselves!! Right, rant over and thanks for listening.......

Morien, I know exactly what you mean?my DP has two children and they are great but I am not their mother and he can kind of forget it. You are doing the right thing talking about it; I got to the point where I was seething with frustration feeling like I was being taken for granted?I honestly started to feel like a skivvy and it was not good for our relationship. After a bit of an outburst, we did talk about it and how I felt was all a revelation to him?so good for you for braving the subject. The result was he tries quite hard to take my feelings into consideration along with the kids and things have definitely improved on that score.

Glad going back to work was ok jbrd ? sounds like it went well. My thoughts are with you calibee - keep looking after yourself.