Fantastic Forty Plus, part 9, this time is our time,bring on the bfp's!

[hopefulgum]

We've filled out thread - I do hope you all find your way here. I can't add a message on the old thread to let you know it is here...

This new thread, will no doubt have its own set of bfp's and babies. I am excited to see what it brings.

Oh, Calibee, I know exactly what you mean. I remember telling a friend, when my miscarriage started (and I'd had a scan that day, at which my doctor was sure she saw a heartbeat , so I was slightly reassured, but not completely, another scan two days later revealed the baby had no heartbeat) that I was sure I could never go through the awful uncertainty and heartbreak of a miscarriage again, but like Morien, after the miscarriage I too felt the desire for a baby stronger than ever. And,like Morien, I know I can survive it,and that if I were lucky enough to have another baby, it would be worth all the heartache. But you are in the thick of it,and right now you are feeling heartbroken. You don't need to think about the other stuff, but I know you will have the strength to try again if that is what you want to do.

Welcome to mumalah, it is lovely to meet you,and I think you will love our little (but growing hugely...) group. Everyone here is so supportive. It's also nice to see someone else who would like baby number 6, as I am ttc No 6, though taking a very low key approach at the mo. I am so sorry for the loss of your DS, how terribly heartbreaking for your family. Great that the clomid is working for you. What dose are you taking?

I must dash, the house is a mess, it is time to clean up.

I feel so looked after on here...thankyou so much.
I have called EPAU...have to say I feel very brushed off. At first she said they cant do anything until they have the report from the private scanning facility...when I told her I already had that and read to her what it said she kind of stuttered a little and then said in a kind of annoyed voic "well I doubt it will this week now...I will have to call around to theatres and get the report faxed from Babyvision etc and see what I can do" at which point I dissolved into tears and told her the sooner the better and I would wait to hear from her...and put the phone down.
The torture continues.......

calibee so sorry you are going through all this on your own. DP has no excuse. He should be there for you emotionally. My DP went off to walk the dog once during one of my mc as the blood was pouring out of me.
In July, after having a barney on holiday, I went straight to a and e from the airport, waited 7 hours on my win to be told I had a mmc. I rand DO to tell him and ask him to pick me up ,but he said no I've been drinking. Said nothing about the awful time I was havi g( I was 13.5 weeks) and eventually when I got home still said nothing. He is still cool about it as I had fallen out with his 18 year old, spoilt daughter on holiday. This was all he could talk about. No mention of me.

I love him dearly but think men are so different from women and struggle to make sense of things. I know he was heartbroken at the mmc but couldn't get past me upsetting his dd.

Don't despair calibee . He is young to understand all this mmc business and as the song goes, after all, he's just a man x

You poor thing! I couldn't lurk in the shadows cos I can well imagine what it is like. My mum always says my boyfriend has been here before too! I bet your dp is wonderful and hope you can move forward stronger together. Focus on what's best for you. Will cross my fingers things get sorted out for you fast and you can then start to look forwards. Take care

pink that must have been dreadful for you....if I'm honest I'm not sure I would have still been with him after the post holiday one. I know DP would be here if he possibly could. If he was in anything but basic training he would have been allowed special leave...and possibly if he asked now he may still be given it but that would put him back on his training (if he misses anything between weeks 6 to 14 he has to start again at week 6) and that would be too tough. I guess I just feel the resentment of being alone and even though I know the practicalities of why I'm here alone the irrational side of me is stropping bigstyle!!!
So EPAU called back they can get me into theatre on Monday.....however they cant go ahead until they have confirmed with a scan themselves so I am booked in for Sunday morning.

Thankyou isadorable please dont lurk....your posts have been very supportive x

Morning ladies.

Welcome mumalah. I can't begin to imagine how awful it was to lose a DC at 2! What a trauma...

Wow Pink, I don't think I could have stayed with him after the mc after the holiday! How incredibly insensitive of him! Wow

Calibee, glad to hear the EPAU are getting you in, although Sunday must seem like forever to wait. I don't know much about the army, but I do know that, like you said, during basic training they own your ass. And I can sort of understand your DP not wanting to start again from week 6, cos it's REALLY hard. And, not that it makes it any easier, but I think that yes, men do find it terribly hard to engage with a baby before it is born, whereas obviously for a woman, that child is part of her from the moment she knows she's pregnant. I also think a man can feel when it comes to a mc that the baby is already dead and that therefore there is nothing he can do. And because there isn't the emotional connection between him and his unborn child that there is for the woman, I think they feel this is a normal reaction.

It doesn't make it any easier for you, I know, but men do (at least on the surface) seem to be able to move on a lot quicker than us women. Although that also may just be their conditioning to be "strong men". Personally, I find the whole 'big boys don't cry' thing ridiculous as it cuts men off from their emotions, and means that in situations like this there can be a big emotional gap between them and their female partners which can really damage otherwise good relationships.

As someone who wants to be a mother, should I fall pregnant with a boy (or indeed, at all!), I plan to bring him up to be a man I would want to date, if that makes sense? When I announced to DP that after all our efforts we were again not pregnant this month, he was all like "well, there's always this next month". It's so difficult to explain to him the devastation of NOT being pregnant, and despite telling him that it may never happen to me because of my age, I don't think he really 'gets' how hard it is each passing month that I'm not pregnant.

Sorry, didn't mean to end with a "me" bit, but I think it sort of illustrates my somewhat rambling point...

Crikey, that went on a bit...sorry

Wow Drwho that is so well put. Its so good to know that you are there and really have a grasp of how I feel.
I'm blessed that for some of the time at least DP is faintly in touch with his emotional side. He always says when he hears about women treated badly or some of things my ex did to me that he thinks about his Mom and his Sister and how he would feel if somebody did that to them. I can also fully get how it feels when they dont seem to appreciate the passing of each month without a BFP and their cut dry and onto the next month,,....whereas for us (and I'm sure you will all agree that time speeds up as we get older) its a huge amount of time wasted in the little that we may have left.
I was thinking when I first got my BFP in December that , ok I will be 43 and a bit when this baby is born. If it takes another year to get pregnant after this miscarriage and then 9 months on I could be near 45....gosh, thats scarey. I'm already aware that I can move my goalposts as they get nearer (my perogative lol) and I know deep down I will never give up ttc until my body does but I would much rather sooner than later.
Does anybody on here watch Stella on sky??? I swear Ruth Jones must have used me as a model for that lol...ok with a bit of drama thrown in for extra measure.
I am getting cabin fever trapped in the house. Have to decided to venture out with DD2 to look at a show home and then pop to Asda for some hairdye (grey hair is poking through raaa)

If it helps any, I'm 45 honey, and trying to conceive my first. Not my ideal situation, but DP took so long to turn up. I kissed so many frogs...and out and out bastards too, it has to be said!

I saw an article the other day saying that the cut off age for ivf has been extended to 42. Not that it helps me any, but it may give hope to some other women. However, in that article, some knob head male doctor said that this didn't mean that women should wait til their 40s to find mr right. What a douchebag! Nobody frikkin waits on purpose. I know I didn't. What's he suggesting, that women should have children with deeply unsuitable men which will mean more single parents, and kids growing up without proper male role models? What a complete arsehole. And my fertility is in the hands of people like that?

And worse...he's probably somebody's father...grrrrr!

What's cabin fever, LOL?! I've been quite (ok, very) agoraphobic for the last 9 months or so, so going out can be abit of a trauma for me. I wouldn't see anyone if my friends didn't make the effort to come and see me. Although, I'm ok if I go out with someone, I just can't do it alone at the moment. Pathetic, really.

Haven't seen Stella. To be honest, thought it might be a bit close to home .

Ha! Don't talk to me about grey hair LOL!

Once again what you say is spot on. I had nearly 5 years of being single before meeting DP. I dated some right so n so's...even dabbled in online dating which nearly turned me into a right bitter and twisted old hag...I was very lucky to have gone out into town the night I met DP and he was out too (with his total player of an older brother)...I was more than happy to leave that whole dating scene behind me.
I'm sorry to hear you find it difficult to get out and about. I'm not really one for visiting people in their houses and my few friends are the same. I know they are there but we rarely get together nowadays. I'm a bit of a home bird I guess.
So my Mom just called and said she really didnt think she could collect me from the hospital on Monday...raaa. My sister will do it but it would be so much easier if I could just get a taxi (Iam literally 2 mins drive from hospital)...but they wont allow me to come home alone. May have to tell a few porkies there.

Calibee Yes, I love Stella...brilliant programme! I was smiling to myself and thinking of this little community of ours when I was watching it the other night!

Pink your story reminded me of my own, although I was with a very abusive husband at the time. He booked a sailing holiday in Gibraltar knowing I was pregnant...we were living in Germany at the time (forces) and had to drive to uk, drop DC off at their Dad's as they were off to Florida, and then drive to Gibraltar, through Spain. I had started bleeding before we left (I was about 10 weeks pg) but he still insisted on going. The drive was horrific, I bled the whole time and HE barely spoke to me, 2 days in the car.
It was supposed to be a 2 week course, but after a week on a stinking leaking damp boat I was so ill I asked to go home. I was bleeding heavily, and HE had made me climb the rock of Gibraltar in 100 degree heat...he put me in the car. drove me to Gibraltar airport, opened the door, threw my bag out onto the pavement, shoved me out of the car and drove off. He had no idea whether I had any money or anything. I must have looked a state, tearstained and bleeding, begging the staff to get me on the next flight home. I then had to get a taxi from Stansted to Oxford.

I stayed at my mums for a week (she didn't take me to hospital either) and then HE picked me up when he had finished his holiday. I was haemorrhaging on the drive back to Germany, passed out and was rushed into hospital. It ended in 2 blood transfusions, and the dr told me I had been very very ill as my blood was starting to be poisoned. I could have died and that didn't care!

Well, back to today. I am now either 13 or 14 dpo and did a frer this morning...BFN. I do feel like AF is about to show her face though, low down mild cramps and sore boobs. I guess the sickness was down to the ear infection after all .

Are we all prepared for the blizzards then?

x

My DP hadn't had a serious girlfriend til he met me (he was 28!). It was work, booze, shooting, fishing...girls! LOL. Bless him. He got a right handful with me, but we just clicked.

We only met because my friends literally dragged me to a local pub to see a band. And he only went there that night cos he's known the guys in the band for years...otherwise we would never have met. I generally don't believe in fate and all that, but we were clearly meant to meet that night.

Not sure his mother's too happy about his choice though, but his attitude is, it's HIS choice and neither of us can imagine being with anyone else now. Barring apocalypse (and we all know THOSE are rubbish LOL!) we're together until one of us keels over

Seriously? Nobody is willing to make the effort to bring you home from the hospital? You really shouldn't be doing this alone. Frankly, if I could get myself there I'd come with you for hand holding - I'd bring cake too

Wow Patches...and I thought I'd had it tough! Us women are an amazing and resilient bunch, aren't we?

Xx

DrWho women are fantastic, I honestly think so. My DC and I had to move into a womens refuge for a while, and the women I met in there were awe inspiring. So much strength.

Calibee I was thinking the same as DrWho...if you were in my vicinity I'd happily come with you. You shouldn't have to do this alone.

And grey hair....yup, me too! Grrrr.....

I'm in France and had my daughter at 42. All very straightforward. Will be 45 in June and would really like to try and have another so we need to get moving! I know of lots of babies born to mums in their 40s and feel reasonably positive about trying and if it doesnt work out being able to be happy with my lot. My boyfriend cant really understand my urgency but luckily for me he got it when I said that if we were going to have a future he'd need to think about children earlier than he might like... Hope you feel better knowing you'll be seen on Monday.

Before I moved out of London and up here to the East Midlands, I tried to get my neighbour to leave her abusive husband. I put her in touch with a local refuge, but in the end she stayed because she was so afraid of him and what he'd do to her parents. But she had 4 sons, and they were growinv up watching their father talk to their mother like shit, and knock her about. I can only imagine they will grow up thinking it's ok, and end up repeating the pattern. She was so sweet too, but all her strength and confidence had been knocked out of her. He HATED me cos I was giving her friendship and support and wasn't afraid of him.

I often wonder if she's ok.

Hi,

Not been on here for a while but have just been reading through the last few pages and just wanted to send hugs to Calibee JBrd and everyone else that needs them. Calibee I can't believe how pants your EPU is being, that is rubbish and not what you need right now.

I've been taking a bit of time out, and probably will continue to for the moment. My due date was last week and that was really hard particularly as 2 people I know had babies last week one of whom is my age. I had another late period (3 days late) shortly before Christmas and had just started to get my hopes up when AF arrived, but hadn't tested so no idea whether it was another CP or not. AF was then 2 days early this month which was just weird, I'd had several short cycles immediately after the MC but it seemed to have got back to normal. I'm still trying to be positive though, as well as realistic - just hope there is a decent egg or 2 still left.

Hugs to all.

Calibee, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I very much hope your DP is able to make it home to you this weekend, despite the weather forecast. You really shouldn't be going through this on your own. DH was working away when I started miscarrying, so I went through the worst of the bleeding/pain on my own which was pretty scary & miserable, and I think if he'd been there with me, he'd have understood better. He was back after a couple of days though. I think what Drwho said about men not being emotionally connected to their unborn children is spot on. And they don't always understand the time pressure on us, especially in our 40s, as it's not an problem for them. Hopefully you'll be able to talk properly to your DP this weekend, and also get your lift home from hospital sorted on Monday. I grew up in Shropshire, and I really miss it, if I was there I'd offer to come with you.

There are so many brave ladies on this thread. I was in a rotten relationship for a long time, but nothing like what some of you have been through. As usual, I'm in awe of your collective strength and bravery.

We had a night away at the weekend, which was lovely - we went to the seaside and Sunday was absolutely beautiful for walking along the beach. However DH has, as I expected, had a bit of a relapse - he still doesn't want the baby - "it's not too late do something about it" he said, even though he feels better than he did about it. He hasn't even asked how many weeks I am or when the baby would be due. He thought maybe it'd help me if I talked to someone - I'm not the one with the problem, if he was ok with it, I'd be delighted, it's him that needs to find a way through this. However, I'm still concerned about my lack of symptoms, and expect to be the next m/c on this thread. We've had a huge sort out of DDs room, we can see the carpet now, and there's loads of stuff that I just don't know if we're going to need again or not.

Remnant, how are you doing? Have you found a way to tell your DH yet? I hope all is well.

Diege, I hope your DD is on her way to being fully recovered, as others have said, 7 is far to young to start being bothered by our reproductive bits. It sounds like it was really scary though.

Patches, sorry about your BFN, your ear infection sounds horrible, are you properly recovered now.

Welcome Amberini, Isadorable, captivatingtears and Mumalah. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have lost your little boy mumalah.

I'm supposed to be studying - I'm way behind, must get some in before I have to fetch DD from school....

Gosh, it's busy on here! Thursday afternoon appears to be the time for Mumsnet, it seems

CaliBee - your EPAU sounds like mine, I also had to be very proactive to get things moving, they were happy to take the wait&see approach. Which is the last thing you want, you want the constant-holding-hands-approach. I would've had to wait until the 21st for my EPRC, originally, which would've been awful. I was lucky that the nurse I spoke to made an effort to ask around and found a surgeon that still had an open slot in the schedule the next day.
I can also 'recommend' the surgical management - like you, I wanted it to be over ASAP, and I wanted to know where I'm at and draw a line. After weeks of uncertainty, heavy bleeding, this really was the beginning of the light at the end of the tunnel for me.
I know so many people who had one or more EPRCs and then went on to have healthy pregnancies and children. For me, the benefits outweighed the risks absolutely.
I considered medical management -again, many positive stories can be found about it- but decided against it when I realised that basically they induce you. I had such a horrific experience when I was induced with DS that my immediate reaction was 'no way I'm doing that again ever!'

It's different for everyone, of course. But for me, it definitively was the right thing to do. I want to move on, I want to ttc again (well, eventually), I want to start healing.
One of the main benefits for me was that the bleeding stopped almost immediately after the surgery. Until then I had not realised how much it had been affecting me - the constant reminder of what is happening every time you go to the loo. I was amazed at how relieved I felt when it stopped. There was also hardly any pain afterwards.

It's such a sh** situation to be in, isn't it! Even more as your DP can't be there all the time. Wishing you lots of strength

Welcome to all the newcomers! May your stay here be short, but sweet

Some tough-love stories here, you are strong ladies! Makes me feel that I have had a very sheltered life (not that that is a bad thing).

I'm currently chillaxing on the sofa, while my oven is being cleaned by a professional oven cleaner, how decadent is that?! I had no idea that such people existed! Hoping that it'll be worth it and that I will be able to see my cakes again while they are baking.
DS is completely back to normal, still at home though because the childminder has a 48 h policy for sickness. We went for a long winter-wonderland walk this morning, in freezing but gorgeous weather. He's currently napping, good child Managed to move my manicure to tomorrow. Then doing a sugarcraft course on Saturday, learning how to make flowers. Trying to avoid thinking that I have to go back to work on Monday.
DH is going to apply for his boss's job that is being advertised. Is it bad that my first question when he told me was 'Can I stop working if you get it?' ...

Sparkly I'm sorry that your DH is still in that frame of mind. All you can do, I guess, is look after yourself and keep yourself steady and calm. This should be such a happy time for you.

AF hasn't arrived yet, so I'm not counting myself as totally out this month but I'm assuming I would have got a BFP on a FRER by now if I was pg? My usual cycle is 25 days, last month was 24 days...I'm never late although sometimes early. But I could be perimenopausal so who knows? The ear infection is a lot better than it was, the swelling and pressure has gone down but it still hurts, thanks for asking.

Having a bit of a crappy time atm. I have a next door neighbour who plays heavy metal sooo loudly, all day and all evening. But I don't want to speak to him about it as he has somesort of mental condition which makes him prone to violent outbursts, and we are frequently woken in the middle of the night to his screaming, abuse and filthy language. DP doesn't live with us yet, so I'm a bit vulnerable iyswim?

Also having a hard time with my mum (see stately homes thread), feel ill, the DCs are off school/college sick...bblleeuugghh...I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Must go and get enough food in for the next few days - we live in a village which gets pretty much cut off when it snows!

x

You girlies are so very lovely....and we have all been through our fair share of poo by the sounds of it. I for one am determined after Monday to get back to that "positive bubbly me" that seems to have been missing for a little while.

I have just got back from mine and DD2's little trip out...hair dye purchased , beautiful brand new houses viewed... oh and a Big Mac, large fries and vanilla milk shake mmm. We had a really good chat about all thats been going on. Its wierd but I realised that really right from the beginning things felt "odd" with this pregnancy...the symptoms that started strong but ebbed away just as they got going, the general feeling of pooeyness not illness or sickness just a drab kind of "urghhhhh" feeling and that refusal to look too far ahead. Maybe these are just the normal feelings of a 40+ pregnant lady who has overgoogled and listened to one too many know-it-alls (some on mumsnet...eeek) who could only spell doom and gloom for anybody in their 40's ttc, but I am beginning to realise that this time it just wasnt right. I would much rather go through this than have to make a tough decision in 10 weeks time or god forbid give birth to a very poorly baby.
I also got home to a beautiful bunch of flowers in my porch from my work colleagues...I'm surprised if I'm honest but very touched.
Keeping everything crossed for you sparkly I would hate to be in your position and I think you are extremely patient with DH.

Blimey Sparkly. I don't know your DH, or you for that matter, but I have to admit that I find his attitude and insensitivity towards you appalling. I can't imagine how awful it must be making you feel, and how stressed at what should be a happy time. I have to say that if my DP was behaving like that, he would be no longer sharing my home until he had well and truly got his shit together. Maybe I'm really hard hearted, but you already have children, and now another one on the way, the last thing you need as a grown up in the house out performing the kids!

Nice to see you JBrd...there are people that clean ovens for you? Wow! I may have to find me one, cos it's one of those jobs that you'd rather rip your own face off than do, isn't it

Gosh Patches, that's a tricky one. How about the council? Do you think they could help you? Is there someone who lives with him, or who visits him that you could maybe talk to about it?

Gah...to the BFN patches

Wow even in the space of typing my last message the thread updated.
jbrd its really good to have the reassurance that you found the surgical route so easy. I would have still preferred to have done it naturally at home but the thought of waiting for weeks just is not fitting in with how I work. I did ask about medical management but when the nurse told me what happens and the fact that you still spend the day in hospital, I thought I may as well go the other route and hopefully (fingers crossed) all will be well and I can begin my turn of the corner. My bleeding/spotting is still very stop/start with no pain so I think it may be a long wait if I decided to do it naturally.