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Conception

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Original poster

Fantastic Forty Plus, part 9, this time is our time,bring on the bfp's!

992 replies

hopefulgum · 01/01/2013 23:20

We've filled out thread - I do hope you all find your way here. I can't add a message on the old thread to let you know it is here...Smile

This new thread, will no doubt have its own set of bfp's and babies. I am excited to see what it brings.

OP posts:
DoctorWhoFan · 16/01/2013 19:39

Oh Calibee, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There are no words that I can say that will make you feel any better.

Hard for you especially with the situation with your DP. It's completely normal to feel angry in this kind of situation, you just have to allow yourself to go through all the emotions until you come out the other side. Just remember it's not your DP's fault that he's away while this is happening. It's completely sucky that he is, and it's probably very difficult for him to talk to you with all the other young guys bouncing around in the background.

When's he next home?

Hang in there honey. Do you have anyone to keep you company tonight so you're not alone? Xx

DoctorWhoFan · 16/01/2013 19:41

Greenlizard said it so much better than me Calibee re your DP...

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 19:46

Thanks lizard and DoctorWho

I feel ashamed at being angry with him now Blush. I confess I feel a little that if he spoke to his corporal and explained , they may give him some space to make a call to me. When I gently suggested that this may help yesterday...he made it clear that he wasnt going to do that incase the corporal took the mick. Personally I would be seething if this was the case. But it has made me wonder if maybe he is avoiding me and/or the situation. Afterall he is having the time of his life mountaineering and caving. He is saying he is going to come down at the weekend....however with the snow thats been forecast I'm not sure its a good idea. The train journey takes 4 hours as it is...it could be twice that.

captivatingtears · 16/01/2013 19:46

Hello

I was on another strand and was told to hop over here!

I wonder if any of you can answer a quick question. I'm 43, still having periods (irregular - can be 16 days apart, 35 days, 25 etc), with good progesterone and oestrogen levels (v high oestrogen) although low testosterone.

However my AMH test was awful - 0.09

My blood tests don't suggest menopause is imminent but the AMH tests suggest I have so few eggs that menopause is very much on its way.

I don't really understand it - am I misinterpreting the info?

TiA

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 19:47

Its just me here tonight. Dd2 is working until 11ish and and Ds is in his room....thats his cave lol

twentythirteen · 16/01/2013 19:48

Calibee, that's heartbreaking news, i'm so sorry to hear it, and that your oh is so far away right now both physically and emotionally, big big hugs.

twentythirteen · 16/01/2013 19:50

Isabeller, that's fascinating to me, I don't know anything about it arms Wii look forward to hearing how it goes, good luck!!!

greenlizard · 16/01/2013 20:20

captivatingtears I personally can't help you interpret your results as I don't know a great deal about it but there are plenty of wiser ladies on here who might be able to help you. I am just starting to have my blood tests so will be interested in any advice you get.

So no help at all but just wanted to say hello and welcome to the thread!

Good luck

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 21:37

captivatingtears Hi there...
Just a quicky from me...my amh was "negligible" at about 0.3 or something...basically a shit count. I never had oestrogen count but my cd3 fsh was 20...basically shit too. My cycles had become irregular and long...genrally about 40 days. However I did go on to get a BFP on clomid in the first month. Sadly its not ending well but it just goes to show it can happen.

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 21:39

Had a long chat with DP...he admitted to feeling a bit emotinally detached just now. Guess I have to admire his honesty. I so hope the weather doesnt stop him getting to me at the weekend. I think its important to both of us and the development of our relationship to at least have sometime together whilst this is going on.

greenlizard · 16/01/2013 22:03

calibee I have no experience of what you are going through and can only imagine how hard this for you right now. I know it is a generalisation but one of the ways (straight) men seem to cope with emotionally difficult situations is to detach themselves and retreat from the situation until they are "ready" to deal with it. This is undeniably rubbish for you. It seems our cross to bear that when we most need our men to support us we end up caring for them instead...grrrrrrr. What is good is that he recognises he feels detached (or do I just have low expectations?!) and can tell you about it. I am sure he doesn't understand why he does feel this way just yet.

I hope he can get this weekend and you can be together during this difficult time. In the meantime, take care of yourself if you can. Sleep and rest much as possible and eat well. Will be thinking of you. Xxx

remnant · 16/01/2013 22:32

Calibee, I am really sad it didn't turn out differently for you today.
Hope everything gets resolved quickly x

isadorable · 16/01/2013 22:33

So sorry Calibee. My boyfriend is 17 years younger than me and was 25 when I was pregnant. I remember he struggled to know how to support me at times and could be quite detached. Now he's a dad he's besotted with her and actually very soft about babies in general. So if we do it again, it'll be different but it did make me see the different stages we are at in life. Sometimes that space can feel lonely I know, but I get the impression lots of men struggle with supporting us in tough times, especially if they think of us as strong.

Take care of yourself - I hope you get to see each other soon.

Original poster
hopefulgum · 16/01/2013 22:45

Calibee, I am so sorry. I know how heart-breaking it is to have your dreams shattered this way. And to have DP so far away makes it very difficult indeed. What previous posters have said about the way men deal with this is so true. They simply cannot feel the closeness and attachment women have with their baby from the word go. It is foreign to them, so they will feel the loss, but (usually,I'm sure there are exceptions) they just don't feel the depth of grief we feel.

I know it may be a long journey for your DP to come home, but I do think he should be there with you. It is hard enough having a miscarriage,but so much harder if your DP can't be there to hold your hand and give you a cuddle. Even if it is 8 hours on a train, it's still nothing compared to what you are going through. If he can't be there, perhaps your sister could be? You really shouldn't have to tough this out on your own.

COme and vent your feelings on here if it helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefulgum · 16/01/2013 22:53

Welcome captivating tears. I know I've already chimed in on the other thread, but just wanted to add that my testosterone was also low so and my doctor prescribed homeopathic DHEA. Which I took, but I personally don't believe that homeopathics do much, so I ordered proper DHEA and I am taking that instead. I haven't had any notable side effects from it, so I think I probably need it.

When you say you have very high oestrogen levels, how high is it? Did you also have your FSH tested? A high estrogen level can mean that the FSH is also high, trying hard to make you ovulate. I think it might be a good idea to try to get the estrogen level down a bit (as high levels indicate perimenopause, as do low levels, which I haveSad). Have you tried "Vitex" - a herbal supplement which can help sort out hormone levels - especially useful if your periods are all over the place.

Have you talked to your doctor about trying clomid? If ovulation is not regular it may help with that, but there are other factors to consider. My doctor suggested it wasn't right for me, mainly because I ovulate regularly on my own and it can stuff up your lining and your fertile mucus.

If you can afford it and are open to it, I think acupuncture can help too.

OP posts:
CaliBee · 16/01/2013 23:13

Its so helpful reading other peoples views on how men react. You all seem to be able to state things so eloquently...to a point where I have that "ahhh yes" moment. isadorable I guess you know exactly how I feel. DP is 19 years younger than me...he's 23 Blush However I swear to god he has been here before. He can be very wise and mature...but he is still after all a male!!! I think having a pretty tough upbringing by his single Mom in Grenada has made him very different to the 23 year olds I know over here in the UK.
I think I have come to the decision to wait until my appointment on Monday and if miscarriage doesnt arrive naturally to enquire about surgical management. The leaflets I was given today do mention the possibility of cervical damage and uterine adhesions which may affect future fertility though. Does anybody know any statistics of this??

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 23:16

hopeful I think he would fly if he could lol. The biggest problem is that we have heavy snow forecast over the UK on Friday...apparently up to 15cm...and particularly heavy right down the central band from north to south which covers both where he is in North Yorkshire down to me in Shropshire . In this country a couple of cm's brings everything to a grinding halt. I would hate for him to get stuck somewhere halfway and have to be getting back for Sunday.

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 23:17

Once again...thankyou all for caring enough to give me your thoughts today xx

JBrd · 16/01/2013 23:31

CaliBee - please tell your DP how important it is that he comes to see you! Would the army not let him take time off, maybe? After all, this is a real medical (for want of a better word) situation...
Seeing and talking to you will help him to better understand what you are feeling and to be less detached. (I literally had to ram it down DH's throat how utterly destroyed I felt when my mc happened... At one point, I asked him how he was feeling about it all, and he thought I meant his work and started ranting away! Still don't understand how I did not kill him there and then...).

It's absolutely normal to be angry! And everything else, too. It's a roller coaster, and everyone reacts differently. Vent all that you want!

CaliBee · 16/01/2013 23:45

jbrd if he was past his basic training stage it would be different, but right now they seem to have some sort of ownership of him. Its even worse this week as he is on an adventure training course away from camp so not even able to access the welfare services. I think he has it in his head that they may take it as a weakness...on both mine and his part. Its hard to explain...I'm struggling with army mentality myself if I'm honest.

He is to be fair determined that he is coming down on Friday night...its me that is sceptical because of the weather. Plus if I'm honest I would be devastated to get my hopes up then be dashed if couldnt make it.....

Original poster
hopefulgum · 17/01/2013 00:03

8Calibee*, I had the surgical option both times with my missed miscarriages. I had no idea there were any risks of cervical and endometrial damage until after I'd had the second one. And that was because it took ages for my period to return and for a few months at period time I'd just have cramping and no blood. I worried that there was surgical damage,and there may have been, but fortunately it corrected itself and all is well now(in terms of having regular periods, there may still be damage which will prevent a successful pregnancy).

As for the stats about scar tissue, I have read 1% and 8% on but then read a higher % of 25%, but that seems a huge discrepancy.

My reasons for choosing the surgical option was that I was so distraught I couldn't get my head around having to pass the baby, and was afraid of pain and labouring and passing the baby at home with my children around.I was afraid of frightening them. I also worried that it might take weeks for the whole thing to finish,and just wanted to move on more quickly so I could ttc again. Of course after the second one it was ages til I could ttc again anyway, so it didn't really turn out as I'd hoped. Having a second ERPC put my chances of having scarring up to 32%, and for all I know I may have scarring which will cause further miscarriage(and I have had one more miscarriage since then). But I did what felt right at the time, and actually had no idea about the scarring.

I guess you have to weigh up each option and decide what is best for you. I found the anesthetic made me feel very tired for ages afterwards (at least that's what I put it down to), I think it was a couple of weeks of feeling really knackered, but grief will also do that.

Just try to rest and try not to worry.

((hugs))Bear

OP posts:
mumalah · 17/01/2013 00:42

Hello Ladies, May I join you all ? I have been lurking a while and also on the clomid thread. I am 42 and ttc #6. I have 20,19 ds, and 16,11 dd. The first 3 were from a previous marriage. My youngest ds passed away suddenly last year aged 2. We started ttc #6 when ds was 6 months(didnt want a big age gap) have been trying ever since and was given clomid in October last year to try and restart ovulation. I am pleased to say I ovulated this month, but af arrived today!

I'm sorry to hear whats happened Calibee. Not sure if this helps , at 8 weeks pregnant I had a scan, but there was no heartbeat, I was given pessaries to induce miscarriage, but this didnt work so had to have a d & c. Two months later I found out I was pregnant with dc5. Take care of yourself.

CaliBee · 17/01/2013 05:42

hopeful thankyou so much for sharing your experience of surgical management ...its certainly given me something to think about. Right now I just want it out...I dont care how. I want to be able to put the nastiness of the last few weeks behind me and be "me" again. I have thought about ttc again and I'm sure I will but the thought of going through this again is just too awful at the moment....however as we all know time is not on our side and I may just have to get back to it sooner rather than later. The ultimate goal is my hearts desire...the journey there is, however, another story.

I actually managed to sleep well but have woken early and had those dreadful few moments before realisation set in. I dreamt we were at a market and that DS kept asking me to look at other peoples babies in prams. I had a guitar in a binbag and was more concerned about getting home to try it. ???

Hi to mumalah...so sorry to hear about the loss of your little one...i cant even begin to imagine how hard that must be. Thankyou for sharing your experience of miscarriage. They are a lovely supportive bunch on here...god only knows what I would have done without them all over the past few days/weeks. I would have considered the medical management route, but here they like you to go into hospital to do it....I have worked at the acute hospital...people know my face, if I could have done it at home it would have been preferable to surgical.

Morien · 17/01/2013 06:55

CaliBee, I remember lying in bed during my MC, thinking exactly what you said in your last post - it was so awful, both physically and emotionally, that I told myself that I wouldn't be able to ttc again for fear of having to go through the same again. My desire for a baby is stronger than my desire not to have another MC though so in fact I was soon back on the horse without thinking about it. I really hope not to have to go through another MC...but I also know that if I have to, I'll survive. Anyway, the time for all that is later - for now concentrate on getting yourself through what's happening now.

Sorry, can't help with any info about managed MC as I was lucky (ha ha) and mine happened naturally - started spotting brown blood one evening and ignored it, but the next evening there was a bit of red blood so rang the gyne, went to see her next day & scan confirmed the worst. She made an appointment for me to have surgical management a few days later just in case nothing had happened - but I miscarried naturally that same evening. It was a blessing not to have to wait and wonder and try to make a decision - nature just took care of it, so maybe she will for you too.

Hello mumalah, welcome. So sorry to read about your loss of your little boy.

CaliBee · 17/01/2013 07:27

You're right morien my desire for a baby is stronger than this.
I have decided to cal epau this morning and see if they can bring things forward. I cant see the point in pro-longong things now .