Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

[RainboxFX]

A shiny new thread in memory of our angels. To bring us all BFPs, sticky beans and healthy happy Rainbows.

Hello, and thanks for the warm welcomes. I'm so sorry all of us have to be here indeed but glad that those of you who've been here for a while have found friends and support.

I don't really have too much to say about our baby. We didn't name him officially and refer to him by the foolish nicknames we had for him when I was pregnant... a name felt too heavy for such a little baby to carry. We had a hard time also because the rules in my country are that bodies aren't released by a hospital before 20 weeks. I begged and pleaded and my dad asked nicely and my doctor made a special request so they broke the rules for us. As a result, he could be taken home and was ultimately buried the same day (because the local church broke some rules too) with my grandparents and great-grandparents in the family grave. We gave him that dignity.

We have no other children and this has been very hard because a lot of innocent, first-time parent dreams were caught up and shattered at the same time. We want to try again but it's terrifying -- also because none of the tests done showed anything out of the ordinary.

Thanks for listening. He should have been here but he isn't. It's just hard all round. I am not Buddhist but take the most comfort from the idea that he has gone to another life somewhere else. Not quite heaven, just another life. But this comforts me only some of the time.

I've started a separate thread today for people who are TTC after a second-trimester loss... more because the physical experiences, problems, causes and therefore fears are different with a loss in the second trimester. Do drop in if you fall in that category and would like to have a place to just talk.

Another one offering a warm, but sad welcome and lots of hand-holding if needed to literary and coco. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your babies. We are all here to help, to understand, and to get you through...
I lost my first child, a gorgeous little girl, in June at the age of 2 days. There was an undiagnosed problem with the umbilical cord which meant that when labour began (I was induced at 42 weeks), she was severely brain damaged. I miss her more than I can say. I have just had an early MC, and DH and I are just hoping beyond hope for a second child one day.

I haven't got much time but I just wanted to say green I am at "the sort of carpet you would electrocute your bum on" ha ha! Sounds like a pillows-and-duvet-on-the-floor job to me.... I hope you manage ok today, lovely, you are very very kind to help out your friend.
Hello to blue, it's fab to see you, and I'm glad that L is doing so very well.
angel Phebs sounds like she was so sweet at your Christmas do!! But what is a fuddle? Is it a spellchecker typo, or just a word I should know but don't? Please help me out of my confusion...
blizy just wondering how you're doing, hope you are managing.
Also rainbox I think you said your early scan was round about now - I have everything crossed for you (well, not everything, I am ttc after all , but everything else...)

Love to everyone. I am ok, really hoping that the MC is over now. green I forgot to say thank you for the advice before; I am not feeling too different in the aftermath, really, but if I start to feel all over the place, I will definitely make sure to remember that my hormones are still a bit bonkers. I have been taking my vitamins and eating well, yes, so, a gold star for me! Off out now, lots of love xx

Hi everbody such a lovely welcome brings a tear to my eye but a smile to my face.and I do wish none of us went through what we have but its nice that none of us are alone

I had my daughter phoenix at 27+5 on 10/08/12 this was my 4th pregnancy however I have had 3 early miscarriages in my first pregnancies. After getting to the 12week scan I settled down slightly and as the time went on I got more and more excited.I can't even explain the love I felt before she was even here. When I could feel her kick and when other people could place their hand on my bump and feel her I was so so happy, she had her own personality already she would be booting the hell out of me but when she heard daddy she would stop (little bugger) and she liked her nannys voice :). I was told at the 20 week scan that she was small so I went for a routine scan every fortnight after that. I still tried to stay positive (as all the girls in my family were born small and still are small). However on 08/08/12 we were told our daughter had no heartbeat :(.I couldn't even register what I was feeling at that moment I just wanted the whole world to stop spinning. 2 days later I was put into labour they started me off at 9am and phoenix was born at 7:15pm. The labour wasn't easy I'm not sure whether it was more the physical or emotional or both combined.eventhough I knew that she wasn't alive the silence at the end was heartbreaking, I still had hope that they were wrong.

Afterwards I couldn't see her straight away I just lay there numb.when I did see her I couldn't believe I had created such a beautiful little person. She looked just like her daddy. I picked her up and lay with her for a while I just forgot about everything and everyone else.although she wasn't breathing I wanted a moment with her.

The following days I was in autopilot trying to organise her funeral. It all happens so so fast. I thought the funeral would give me 'closure' and I felt slightly better afterwards but I now know I was just trying to push everything aside which you can't do.people would tell me I am so strong and a lot of the time I had to console them.

When her due date came by I was a complete mess all over again there are a lot of people around me who have recently had babies or are pregnant.although I am happy for them it kills me to hear them talk about the things they do with theirr children because I miss everything me and my daughter almost had the things we should of had.

I thought if I was to get pregnant it would take away all the pain. However I am 8 weeks pregnant now and feel I regret becoming pregnant so soon.I was ok when I first found I was pregnant however already I have had 3 large bleeds and I just keep thinking if this isn't going to work please be now and not in the later stages.I don't even want to get a bump because I feel there will be more 'pressure' then that a baby should come at the end of it.I feel terrible as I don't feel I can bond with this pregnancy and although I couldn't have an abortion I just keep thinking my mom is going to have to have him or her when they come.this baby is due 4 days before my daughter was born and I don't know how I am going to cope with a new baby and the grief of the first anniversary of phoenix.I'm scared I won't be able to give this baby everything I was ready to give phoenix.

I'm so so confused about how I feel.I have always wanted to be a mommy and now I don't even have a child here and it seems so so hard.

Coco, Phoenix sounds gorgeous, I'm so sorry she isn't with you. Your confusion and love shine through your words, and I'm not surprised you are worried, but if this little one you carry makes it you will be their mummy and know how to love them, the same feeling you had when you saw your daughter will be their, I'm sure. I have two boys, and I worried I could never love anything or anyone as much as my first, but when my second baby was handed to me it was not a worry from that second on....your first baby teaches you how to love I think.

Literary.... Your words about your little one really touched me. You are such a good mummy fighting to give him his place in your family, and to say goodbye properly. You are very very welcome here, but your other thread also sounds like a good idea, so many mums need to be supporting each other, it's so sad.

KLEINE.... I'm glad you find our SWI situation amusing....!

Ladies, I need some (Valium) hand holding. I have just got a very little skinny not big or fat at all possitive. I don't know if it is real, or left overs, but yesterday it was neg. I did it again today as I didn't feel like chocolate, a sure sign something is up. Obviously I have only just started on the thyroid meds, so am expecting it not to stick, but maybe.... Just maybe? Please?

Positive , not possitive. Sorry, bit dyslexic.

Oh green............................................ Lovie, I am delighted, I cannot tell you how much - but, in a quiet kind of fashion, as I know this is simultaneously everything you want and everything you fear. Can you call the GP, the one who was going to do the research for you?
Now I really have got everything crossed. I hope so so so so so so so (etc) much that this is your rainbow baby. Hand holding from afar and you know I'm here if you need me xxxxxxxxxxxx

literary I'm sorry I didn't answer your post properly earlier - I was in a bit of a rush. You have been through a very, very hard time, haven't you. I can't imagine having had to fight the hospital for my child's body.
Terrifying - yup, good word for trying again. Personally I'm not sure what I would be doing without the support here on MN if I want to rant, cry or wail (going completely round the bend, I suspect)...

coco Phoenix - such a great name - and she sounds wonderful. Looking just like her daddy! How terribly, horribly sad that you can't see her grow up.
I can't really add anything to green's lovely words, she's put it so beautifully, and I very strongly suspect that she's COMPLETELY right. I will just say - utter confusion is normal, to be expected, and sadly just something we have to live with. So, if you can, try not to be worried about feeling confused; just go with it. These aren't normal circumstances, nor are you experiencing normal emotions. Be very gentle on yourself and allow yourself to feel everything - no matter how horrifying, or how 'wrong' it seems, just give yourself permission to feel it. It's ok. Losing a child: oh, it's the worst thing in the world, isn't it. Life falls apart, and you just slowly build something back up again, but it's very different to how it was before. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way about your new pregnancy, but, from reading your words, you sound like such a wonderful mummy to Phoenix, you really do, and I know (even if you can't know if yourself yet) that you will be a wonderful mummy to all your future children too xxx

KLEINE.... I will call GP in morning if I get another positive, I can't really believe its true right now. I'm worried that the thyroid dose should be raised, but that I might have a fight on my hands to make that happen....
I don't want to tell Dp... I think I will wait until after AF is due and if that passes by then I will tell him, he doesn't need to know right this minute maybe? I'm trying to protect him, but I guess I'll have to tell him if it goes wrong again anyway. Thanks for your lovely words... It means a lot to have such lovely 'friends'.

I'd just do whatever necessary to stay sane... whatever you need (whether that's telling DP at this stage or not).
I so hope the GP is helpful again, if you get another positive tomorrow. I'm sure you'll be armed with mountains of info when you call her, that should help, no?
Hope/expect your boys will be a useful distraction for the rest of the day! So much love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thankyou :). I have a scan on thursday as I had another bleed on friday so will see how that goes.has anyone else had bleeding through pregnancy but things have been ok?

Coco, yes I have bled at times through the early weeks of every one of my pregnancies, the three that ended in baby, and the three that didn't. It doesn't have to be a bad sign, although obviously its a huge worry. You must be very worried though, I think what we have all been through makes us so aware of what CAN happen, but it doesn't mean it will again, try to take things easy if you can.

GREENGOOSE thanks for your help and thanks to everyone else for your kind words and help. I thought I was miscarrying when I first bled but 3 scans later I have a heartbeat but that still doesn't make me stay calm when I bleed again.seems to be every 2 weeks I have a heavy bleed.really confusing because you don't expect it through pregnancy

coco and literary another sad but warm welcome. And thank you for telling us about your beautiful children. It is obvious they are very much loved. My first son Dexter was born at 24+1 this year and we had the pleasure of knowing him for 12 days before he died. I am now pregnant again, very early days, and it is so welcome and surprisingly hard all at the same time.

I had my scan yesterday, and the best possible news at the stage. There is a pregnancy there, I haven't just eaten too much cake! Measuring 6w and 6d so about a week ahead of what I thought. And, after a TV scan because we could see anything in the sac and I was getting worried, we saw a lovely strong heartbeat. Going back in for another scan on the 8th Jan, and will have to go to the hospital for regular cervix scans too. I still don't quite believe I have been so blessed, so it hasn't sunk in yet. I miss Dexter even more, which I didn't think was possible. But yes, today I am pregnant.

green so pleased to hear that! Thinking about you xx

Have had a long and emotional couple of days with work and with the scan so I feel totally exhausted, weepy and drained. Sorry not to name check, I am thinking about us all. Hoping everything is as peaceful as can be. xx

Hello everyone. Sorry I have been a bit absent recently. Will catch up properly later but just wanted to say hello and sorry for your losses to coco and literary. I lost my little Daisy at 20 weeks in June this year. We didn't get any answers as to why it happened although the consultant now thinks it may have been due to an infection but no clear cut reason.

I am now 14+5 weeks pregnant and am having nightmares every night at the moment. I am generally coping ok during the day though. My spotting seems to have disappeared after having a course of antibiotics (no infection showing but was given them as a precaution). Don't know if it's coincedence or what. Am having a scan next week on 28th Dec to check my cervix is holding up ok. Just been getting some "bubbles" down below. Not sure if it is the littleun or wind .

Rainbox - so glad for your little heartbeat. FX all continues to go well.

Green - a very quite congratulations to you. Really hope it is a sticky one.

Good luck for your scan coco.

Sorry I haven't name checked properly. Waves to everyone and hope all is well. If I don't manage to get back on here for a while, hope everyone has a good Xmas. DH and I am are both off for two weeks after Friday so really looking forward to relaxing and spending some quality time together. Take care everyone. xx

OMG Green congrats I m whispering xxx not saying anything else at the mo xxx
Little9 fab news all is going well xxx
Rainbox congrats on your scan xxx
Cocco you describe you re situation well. Sounds c similar to mine, though I had Georgie further on at 41 weeks. You struck a chord with me , that if u were to loose this pg would rather be now. My thoughts exactly when I was pg with Phebs. Before Georgie I 'd had 2 early losses at 8 & 13 weeks. They were devastating at the time but upon reflection after the loss of my real life baby ; Georgie they were nothing. As to me now they re weren t babies , just cells , wheter as Georgie is & was a fully formed darling baby girl. My Phebs was born 1 year & 8 days after loosing Georgie so just to give you hope it can ve done it was incredibly hard mentally. Physically ; fine ( I only finished work 10 days before I had her!!!) but mentally very difficult. I had hormone injections twice weekly up to 14 weeks , scans 2 weekly up to 16 weeks then
4 weekly . Planned section at 37,3 weeks... Take care xxxx
Literally where do u live? If u don t mind me asking? Sounds awful having to beg/ plead to have your baby released. Xxxx
Love to all ; nice to read the good news on here xxxx

Hello everyone. Sorry I've not been on here much recently. New job, plus DS1, plus Christmas seems to be taking up all my time. I am lurking when I can though to see how you're all doing.

I'm now 22+3 and had my anomaly scan on Monay (they do it later here). Good news is that DS3 is seemingly fine and is growing well. The subchorionic haematoma is starting to shrink finally and I've had no more bleeding which is great. My gyanecologist is now saying I can be induced at 38 weeks, as I'll have to stop the blood thinner injections before the birth so they need to plan a date. I'm relieved - anything to make the worry end sooner! I'm still finding it hard to cope with everything and worry about movement a lot. DS3 thankfully is quite a wiggler, but it doesn't stop me worrying unfortunately

So sorry to see some new faces on here. I hate that there are so many of us in the same boat.

Very sorry to welcome coco and literary to the thread, but I am glad you found your way here. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful babies. So much lov in your posts and your stories. I lost my first daughter Bobbie at 20 weeks in October 2010, probably due to my toxoplasmosis infection. My second little girl, Freya, is now 16 months old and snoring next to me. coco I can so relate to what you say about the pressure of getting a bump. God yes. When pg with Freya I really couldn't bring myself to even say the words "I am pregnant" to people. I didn't have the confidence. One day at a time and we will all be here to hold your hand.

green a very tentative little whooop!! for you. I have everything crossed that this little hint of line is all you are hoping for and more xx If it helps, everything I have read (and I've read a fair bit!) says that a controlled and medicated case of hypothyroidism does not create any extra risks for you/baby compared to a "normal" person. The risk is for an untreated case of hypothyroidism. You are now on thyroxine so you are in a very good position. Obviously it's important they get the dosage more or less right asap, have a read of the NHS guidance, maybe print out any relevant bits and get yourself to the GPs as soon as you can. Also GP notebook is a useful page. Definitely ask for an urgent referral to an endocrinologist but don't let the GP use the referral as an excuse not to monitor/treat you in the meantime. Lots of love and luck xxx
PS - might not need to electrocute your bum after all

rainbox I am thrilled that you have had such a good scan. Bless little Dexter, what a good job he's doing of looking out for his little brother or sister.

I had a big wobble this morning. Went to a church playgroup with Freya and the vicar was doing a little christmas story for the children and then got us all to sing Away in a manger. I was losing it over the line "bless all the dear children in thy tender care". I could see all of our faces, and all our children were just right there. So much heartbreak. So much pain. These snap moments that jolt you visciously from "normality" back into a place of deep and vivid grief are just so hard. They make me tremble and sweat and I feel so damaged. It's testament isn't it to how loved, wanted and missed all our children our that we hurt like this.

SPILT.... Thankyou For the link, just what I needed! I have an appt on Monday, and I think what I'm looking for is my dose being upped straight away and an urgent specialist referal, and this gives me the ammunition to fight for it if I have to, I am really very grateful.
I'm sorry you had a rough morning, it just rears up and knocks you over sometimes doesn't it, but as you say it hurts so much because our children are so dearly loved. The grief we all carry is so unbearably heavy sometimes, I'm not sure why we are still standing.

Thankyou everyone else for all the kind words, I am going to bed as I'm a bit all over the place and just need to turn off. Sorry not to name check, I will read back properly tomorrow.

Thank you all so very much again. Reading your stories made me so sad, that all of us have lost our babies in some way or another, at some stage or another.

Kleine, I'm so sorry to know of your recent loss as well. Do look after yourself in the coming weeks. The best advice I got was to eat healthy food (lots of fruits and veggies), get in a little exercise every day as soon as I felt physically strong enough, and do some meditation/breathing exercises. It gave me a sense of being somewhat in control enough in control to look after myself and was also good for the recovery, I guess. Hoping you start to feel a lot better very soon, physically at least.

coco, big, big hugs. Phoenix must have been a beautiful baby, looking just like her daddy. I responded to your thread over on the Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss topic but will repeat the same thing here: after what you've been through, the fear and the anxiety are normal, especially in this period of such great uncertainty. If your little one comes out fine and healthy, you'll be able to love him or her, you will. For now, just know that we understand your worry.

greengoose and Rainbow, I'm so happy to hear your good news and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that everything may go well despite all we fear.

Little9, you'll be in my thoughts too, that everything may go well. No having clear answers is always so difficult, isn't it? That is the bit that really frightens me.

Angel, I live in an Asian country and the rules and systems for these cases aren't the same as what you seem to have in the UK (I learned a lot from reading Mumsnet and was pleasantly surprised to know of the hospitals organizing services and having memorial gardens and so on). But I consider us lucky that the hospital agreed at all to anything... even my doctor was surprised that they agreed. The care was excellent, though, I won't fault that and they were sensitive enough to put me in a room by myself in the gynae section, not the maternity ward. But it's sad that there are no systems in place to let you say goodbye to a baby born before 20 weeks. Anyway, little boy has his place in the arms of my granny (grandpa always refused to carry babie, so he wouldn't start now!) and in our hearts. It's lovely to hear about your little Phoebe, bless her, the rainbow after Georgie, bless her too!

spilttheteaagain, that little wobble you had makes me so sad. It sounds like you and Little9 and me all had similar experiences of loss. Little Freya must feel like such a gift, even if the pregnancy must have been so hard.

Morning to everyone!

Well... The faint line is now a proper can't-argue-with-it line, and I am scared that it's too soon and my meds arent strong enough and I'll MC.... Aaaagh!
I am going into the drop in surgery on fri morning and will ask them to up my dose, waving all the info the lovely SPILT has given me at them, along with a symptom list. If that fails I will cry and beg, pitifully. That should work! I am also going to ask for levels on the vits etc that SPILT suggested be checked.
I will tell DP tonight, I'm not brave enough to do any of this on my own anymore.

I was up most of the night with my little boy who had awful earache, in the end we sat in bed in the dark watching Tom and Jerry on my iPad. This morning we were woken up by the post man at 8.30! (he is always up at dawn) I hope he feels better tonight, if not,it'll be the docs for him on fri too. It's awful when there is nothing you can do to take away what's hurting them.

Hey greengoose try not to panic too much (easier said than done as I'm guilty lol). And just tell them you won't leave until they do what you are asking! I hope your partner takes it well I'm sure he will and you will need a lot of support. And I hope your little boy does get better I have a 13month old brother and my mom is having the same troube with him at the moment!

I had my scan today after bleeding again on friday. Still a strong heartbeat and in 2 weeks we have grown from 6.1mm to 20.3mm. (No wonder I'm getting fat haha). They said there is a bleed next to the pregnancy sac but not to worry too much and if I bleed again it should be brown, however when I have bled it is red so I think I will still be visiting them regularly. I am measuring as 8+4 which is 2 days ahead of the last scan hey did so looks good.

Next scan is 14th jan and I have another scan on the 21st jan with a consultant.I don't think the panic will ever go during this pregnancy but today was a positive day.

Hope all you ladies are doing well and I am thinking of all of you coming upto the festive season.

Does heaven have a christmas tree
For all the girls and boys
Too far for santas sleigh
To reach with treats and toys?

A tree that's hung with moonbeams,
Stars and real, shining angel hair
For the precious little children
Who all live in heavens care?

Are you filled with wonder
At its branches, all aglow
With the tears of those who miss you
On this earth,far down below

For we hope and pray your playing
With the angels,having fun
But please don't forget,we love you
Merry christmas,little one.

A little message for all the baby angels.brings a tear to my eye but wanted to share with you guys. Our angels will not be forgotten. I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting this.

Am v sleepy, so just a brief message, to say -

green I am holding your hand so tightly that I expect you can actually feel it! So so much love Xxxx Hope you & DP will have a good chat tonight - and that DS feels better asap.
And big congrats to rainbox and coco after your scans... really good news! I'm so glad.
little the nightmares sound awful - every night, poor you. So sorry...
amy glad to hear all is well with your little wriggler.
literary thank you for your kind words xx
spilt you sound like you need lots of hugs... I had a wobble today too, we got a very well-meaning but incredibly unfortunate Christmas card, 'thinking of you as you approach the difficult milestone of a childless Christmas' ... I know what they meant, but, well, it was pretty upsetting of course. Ah well. Onwards (if not upwards) we go! Love to all xx

Coco, great news about your scan.

kLEINE...mmmm dodgy Christmas cards... We got one from a couple who had a little girl within a week of Merryn, which said something like, 'thinking of you this Christmas when we have so much'. I kind of get what they were trying for, but it wasn't overly helpful. I think people just don't know what to say. I hope you are having a better day today? Do you have time with family over the holidays? Thanks for the hand squeezing, I swear I could feel it!

The boys are off today, so that's keeping me occupied, but still mentaling rather a lot! Have docs appt on Monday now, could have gone today, but I wanted to see same GP as last time. Not feeling overly pregnant, but perhaps the thyroide meds are starting to kick in too, which could even out the tiredness a bit? Still not wanting chocolate, which is positive!

BARTLET... If you are lurking.... Thank you lovely lady, for your very good advice. Much appreciated!

Oh green some of the things people say - when they're trying SO HARD to be kind - are just so bad they're almost funny, aren't they? I agree, sometimes people simply don't know what to say. Like your friends, the couple who sent us the 'childless' card have a young baby... and I think the baby in their arms makes it tough for them to know what to say. (Not that I feel able to have any sympathy for them, but I do at least understand it's a bit difficult...)
Actually most people don't seem to have sent us a card this year, which is a bit , but, I suppose, at least that's minimised the potential for upsetting us!
Am ok today ta. Well done you on just keeping going today. Agree, it makes sense to wait and see the same GP. Loads of love xxxxxxx

Oh I forgot to answer your question about the holidays... it's just us this year, which is making it all seem a lot more bearable. And, with the ongoing 'issues' with a few family members, is much easier anyway! We will probably see some of our new friends though - we've met a few lovely couples now, all very local, all of whom lost their babies recently But we've been able to support each other, which has been so helpful, and it's so nice to know they're nearby...