Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

[RainboxFX]

A shiny new thread in memory of our angels. To bring us all BFPs, sticky beans and healthy happy Rainbows.

Hi BLIZY, gosh I've missed you lot. Have you been to dr about missing AF? I can imagine you must be feeling all over the place. Normal cycles are bad enough. do you think it could be settling in to your meds? Do they have any impact on hormones that you've been told about?

Thanks for what you said. It makes me feel better (and worse iyswim) just knowing you lot understand. I think it's just that the truths I have fought to come to terms with have been shaken. I don't want another version to come to terms with, To have to re think everything. I always managed to cope with MCing by thinking there was a good reason for my body to MC early, and it was 'right' in some way, but maybe there was nothing wrong with those little ones. I can't bend my thinking to that, I don't want to touch on how different everything could have been if I had know to take a pill each day. It can't be that simple, I couldn't cope with that, I really couldn't.
We are going to change GPs, we have lost faith completely. I don't know if I will have any faith ever in DRs again, the amount of complete cock-ups and general sloppy and uncaring practice we have seen over the last two years shocks me. I'm not in a good place right now, but I will try to stick with you lot, it does help so much having you 'here'. DPs in London, again.

Re christmas...Christmas is being done by us for the boys, and to keep our family together, but it's agony, I don't want any of it. Dp is making me a greenhouse out of vintage (old) windows, which is lovely, and we are planting an orchard, and some other trees, a chestnut oak for Merryn, which is lovely too. J is getting new ducks (finally), and K is getting a bike and a crocheted blanket, if I finish it on time. I'm making Dp a backgammon board, and we are hoarding lovely rich comfort foods. The cake is very tipsy. That's it for us this year, no partys, no family to visit. Im not getting my thoughts around where Merryn fits, I am shockingly un-religious, and can't find a way to think about her being with us when i know shes not, but she is very loved, and I will carry our love for her through it all and in everything. It's all I have for her. I couldn't go to my DSs carol service today because I was so angry at a god I don't believe in, how FU is that?

green my lovely, its not your fault at all! And I'm going to slap your hand for using Dr Google. I had a similar thing when I miscarried Bungle, I was convinced that I had killed the baby through using chemicals at work, because I had googled it. If you are not happy with your Dr then is there another practice you could move too?
I don't like my new dr's practice but I have found one dr there now that I like.
Can you speak to one of the Dr's before your appointment in Feb?
Your presents sound lovely, can you have a special bauble for Merryn to go on the tree? Or have a special tree just for her that you decorate?

Green, your Christmas sounds lovely. Last year dh and I completely omitted Christmas, we spent the day in our pj's snuggling on the sofa. It was just too hard.
Looking back to last year, I am in a completely different place, although I am still impartial to Christmas, but we will be celebrating it. I don't know if its because the ad's are working or that I am moving up a step on this grief ladder.
Remember the build up to the day is always the worse part and it is just another day. X

I have a dr appointment next Monday. Dh should also get his SA results.

Hope you all have a good day, got to go get ready for mindees.
X

Fan... Thanks for the slap! Probably much needed! I will change doctors, I just can't face it straight away, but soon. The bauble idea is lovely, I have a little bird that I bought for her, it was to hang in her room, but it would fit on a Christmas tree. Thanks for that. What are you doing about Christmas?

BLIZY... It's good that you are feeling different to last year, for whatever reason really. I agree the build up is the worst bit, I've found that the actual 'days' are usually good in their own way, like some sort of peak that has been scaled and we can sit on top for a while. The climb is the hard bit. (am I making any sense)?

I've just been out taking photos of frosty alpacas, thinking I'd post them, but FB keeps saying upload failed, so I'll try again later. Their ears had frost dripping off them, poor things! (but it did look funny).

green the bird sounds lovely. For christmas for us, we love christmas, some of the house is already decced! I'm baking christmas goodies, I too want to have a special bauble have to find the right one! It will always be bitter sweet because my babies are not here, but I do feel they are with me.

blizy fx that the AD's are just taking time to settle and your body will be back to normal so soon. (Or that you are pg and it just not showing on the stick always have hope )

Oh.... I was just thinking, I have neglected you all, and I should come back on, read some more of the thread properly, and reply - and then I did come on, and babyh and blizy have made me cry! I am so touched. How lovely you ladies are (all of you). I really, really wouldn't expect any of you to donate to E's fund... just saying that you'd like to, is more than enough.

So I think I will put a link up, on the FB group, and then you can all see it if you want to, with the photos (most of them are on my profile, I think, but perhaps a couple are different). Please please please don't anyone think you need to donate!! Just have a look, if you like.
We are quite amazed, still, by how much we have already raised. The money from Germany will come in a different way, in a couple of weeks, but we have some idea of how much it might be... It's very moving. Incredibly sad, too.

Right. Back to business
babyh my lovely you are having a really tough time, aren't you? Did you have your GP appt yesterday? How are you feeling, so far, this week? I'm sure there will be a wonderful rainbow in your future... perhaps your body has needed a break up till now, just to help you deal with A's death. I know that doesn't really help; I know you would much rather be pregnant. But if you've conceived easily in the past, you're very very likely to be able to conceive again xx
What are thinking of putting on A's headstone? We haven't got that far, yet. But, the wooden cross at E's grave has started to warp already so we need to sort something out.

blizy I can't believe your AF still isn't here. If it's going to come - and OBVIOUSLY I hope that it won't, and that this is all a very complicated and stressful way of finding out that you're pregnant - but, if it's going to come, it should just get on with it. I'm so cross and frustrated for you. I hope so very much that your GP appt next week is helpful, and that DH's SA results come back with a much more positive result this time. I am not surprised that you're nervous...

Re Christmas, we are just not doing it this year. Well, we've bought small presents for family, and for all the children we usually buy for (reminds me - must post the last ones off, this week!), but otherwise, we're not doing anything. No parties; no Christmas services this year, either; and, although we wondered if we'd want to decorate our house, as it turns out, we really don't. The memories of doing our tree with friends' children last year - while I was lying on the sofa, daintily throwing up as and when required - are so vivid, and so sad. We'll just be spending the time together, and maybe seeing the occasional friend. Mostly, really, I think we'll just be keeping to ourselves this December. Having been through the MC as well, we simply don't want to see people. Not too worried about it - they're all so busy, they won't really notice we're AWOL! We can see them all again in the new year.

green thank you for your kind words, my dear...
I have been thinking about you a lot recently. You know, I also am still an optimist to a certain degree - as in, I still hope for good things - but, really, sometimes, I just don't know what to do with that hope... You have been through so much, and have now been given another kick in the teeth. I am just so sorry, and can only echo what the others have said: of course it's not your fault. You are separate from the things going on in your body; you wanted only to have another wonderful little baby, and did everything - everything - you could to make it happen. It absolutely wasn't your fault. I can well imagine that it feels impossible to deal with, though. I find it impossible to believe that E could so easily have been saved, had someone just done a two-minute extra scan to double-check the cord. I tend to try not to think about it much. Easier...
Your GPs do sound really crap. I am glad that you're planning to switch to another surgery. A sympathetic GP can be worth their weight in gold - I happen to have one, and it's wonderful. I hope you find someone who you can talk to, honestly, and who you can learn to trust.
Re ttc and the thyroid thing: would there be treatment, medicine, anything that you can do, if you do fall pg before you have further tests? How incredibly complicated, and difficult, and oh just UGH. I'm so sorry and am thinking of you lots xxxx
Oh and the carol service thing sounds completely normal, btw, whether or not you believe in the god you're angry at!! As you know I do believe in God - if in a kind of wobbly way, at the moment - but I won't be going this year, not a chance... Also, even though we do have faith, for us, we don't think of E as being 'here', either (it's more, for us, that we don't worry about where she is now). I agree with you wholeheartedly on that one; we carry our love for her with us. It's not enough, nowhere near, but it's what we've got.

fan hi, lovely. So so sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it, with Bungle's due date. Completely rubbish, isn't it... and so sad. But I'm glad that Christmas cheers you up, a little, even though - as you say - it's bitter sweet. Loads of love xxx

little I'm really glad that your scan went well! I hope that everything will be fine at your subsequent appointments, too.

elly how sad about the lady in your antenatal group ...
How are you doing? Are you feeling better now that you're back on the ADs?

mias I can't imagine how simultaneously tough and wonderful it must be... huuuuuge hugs xxxx

Ok, I have done another epic post! Big to everyone else, and much love xx

Oh green, as if you needed anything else to deal with, i'm so sorry. But, it is absolutely NOT YOUR FAULT. No way. I hope you can speak to a different GP about it rather than having to wait until Feb.

fan, I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time x

blizy will keep fx for the results, and hope so much that your AF sorts itself out one way or another x It's just so not helpful xx

kleine, love the page that you have set up for E, she is just beautiful xxx Such a fantastic total already too! I hope it helps you to feel like you are doing something very positive xxx

Christmas - well, normally I love it, but DH isn't so bothered but this year we have decided to go away, just the 2 of us, for a few days. We have booked a Christmas Eve supper meal in a pub near where we are staying, and on Christmas day we will just slob around in our PJs, with lots of easy food & DVD's to watch. We will see family afterwards, but we need some time just to us really. Remembering the excitement of last year - and imagining this Christmas with our daughter. Just need to escape it really.

We are going to have a party for Nancy on her birthday though, 29th, but we are turning down all invites for NYE as that is the anniversary of when she died. TBH, I can't wait to see the back of this year.

We finally ordered her headstone yesterday - it will take 8-10 weeks before it will be fitted, but at least it's ordered at last.

Also finally managed to visit my BFF with her (5 week old) newborn! So glad that we went round, I had lots of cuddles (didn't put her down at all!!) and fed her, which was really nice. Just want my baby

Thinking of you all so much xxx

Evening all

Elly: Your Christmas plans sound perfect. Also your party for Nancy's birthday sounds lovely.....A celebration of her life. I want to be in a position where I can remember what 'A' represented and how amazing he was rather than him being related to the most tragic period of my life one day. Glad you managed to get your headstone ordered.....all these emotions are tough going especially with you being pregnant...ours has been a tough challenge too, most are imported from outside the Uk which is why it takes so long. Well done on seeing your BFF no matter how much you care for someone its still hard because it reminds us of what we dont and should have xxxxxxxxx

Blizy: glad the ADs are working and you no longer feel on the bottom rung of the ladder which is the depths of despair. Hope your cycle sorts itself out its so frustrating.......I understand totally after months of my cycle being all over the place xxxxxxx

Green: So Sorry your having trouble with your thyroid. Sending big hugs xxx Your Christmas plans sound lovely and peaceful. Would love to see pictures of your frosty alpacas.....I have a picture in my head of your lovely home which warms my heart.....the orchard, trees, greenhouse and alpacas oh and not forgetting the ducks....wow it sounds amazing xxxxxxx

Kliene: your so kind hearted thinking of everyone else......remember you need to look after you as we'll :) My Drs appointment went well and is one more thing feel I feel like I have tackled now. The Dr who I was seen by is a retired lady from the 'old school' we were in there for about an hour and she had already copied my letter from the consultant and made notes. She said she wasn't surprised we were confused and that Lmp and dates of conception are very different and have been mixed up along with possibilities of 'A' gestation. She said she was confident he was No EARLIER than 38+4 and in all honesty a bit older.......in her words 'if anything he was a bit older' but wouldn't commit to how much. I suppose the main thing I was worried about was that the consultant appeared to be making out he could have been 33/34 wks but the doc said there is no way he would have been almost 9lbs on those dates and he was definitely a full term baby!!! She also agreed that the consultants diagnosis of a defective placenta maturation didn't fit with the placental histology which showed a 'slight loss of cells but certainly not enough to have caused him to die'' so I suppose that the truth is we will never really get any answers. Maybe it suits their statistics to put him in that category rather than another unexplained stillbirth!!!

Sorry for the big essay these things are so complicated arnt they. To top the lot my AF came again last night after another grief/tear exhausting day so no BFP for me in 2012 the perfect end to a shitty year I can't wait to see the back of it either!!

Nite all take care xxxxx

Hello again all.

Green sending you so much love. Of course nothing that has happened is your fault, however hard it is to see that. My gallbladder may have been a factor in my premature labour and I feel guilty enough, but it really wasn't anything we did or had any control over. Now you know something is going on, you should be able to finally get the treatment you need. But stay away from Dr Google! It is not your friend! I too would love to see your frosty alpacas. They sound lovelier than my horrible dog, who eats all the snow and frost from the garden then pukes it up in the kitchen. Delightful.

Elly your Christmas sounds perfect, as does Nancy's party. We haven't decorated the house, have handmade presents for everyone and are just having my PILs round for lunch. Trying to decide if we tell them I am PG on the day or not. We did last Christmas. You are right though, this is not the Christmas we had wanted or planned. It is really unfair. So sorry to hear about the lady on your antenatal thread too.

BabyH I am sorry you are having such an awful time. Not having answers for A is just rotten and unfair. And sorry AF got you. Also had enough of 2012, would really just like to see the back of it now! Wish I had wise words for you, but I don't know any. Just good and caring thoughts, for what they are worth!

Kleine you are brave and kind and wonderful. The pictures of E are just so beautiful. I feel so angry our children are not with us. In what universe is this fair? Six months is such a hard milestone, and having to deal with a MC as well, I just am in awe of your strength.

Fan really good to 'see' you again! I am sorry Bungle's due date has been so hard. Glad you are able to talk to your DH though. Also very impressed by your Christmas plans! We have a bit of a biscotti and truffle production line going, the house smells amazing but I am well fed up with it now!

Blizy so glad you are feeling more on an even keel. Will have everything crossed for you both on Monday. Thank you for the SANDS candle as well. When I feel down, it means so much that there are other people out there who think about Dexter with me.

Little hurrah for a good scan! Vague answers from the consultant must be infruriating, but at least you are getting extra scans. 28th is not too far away at all.

Mias Finn is so beautiful, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling. Such joy and such sadness existing within one person seems impossible. Thinking of you all!

Spilt Thank you for the advice. It really does sound similiar doesn't it! No chemicals for me thankfully, just driving and heavy lifting. It is so close to Christmas now, and I am off between then and new year, I think I am just going to be careful til then and fess up in January.

WTW Your christening plans sound lovely. And I am loving all the Christmassy pics of your lovely girls!

Love to everyone I have missed too. This is getting a little epic!

I am starting to get sore breasts and a lot of nausea, which could well be nerves but I am hoping is a good sign. My Doctor was very kind and sympathetic and wanted to get me booked in with the midwives as soon as possible. But I forgot how horrible the midwifes receptionist is. She refused to have anything to do with me because six weeks is just too early for anything (the "you stupid hysterical woman" was implied). So I called my Doctor in tears and I have an early scan on the 18th and a booking in appointment on the 27th. Not proud of myself for the crying but I was really upset.

Thinking about us all, with love xx

Thank you BABYh you made me laugh... Where we live is lovely, but also full of woodchip we can't afford to sort out yet, and not at all perfect! We do love being here though, and are chuffed that we made the move, it's great for the boys. I can't load photos from iPad to profile here, it's not possible. I've tried on FB, but it said download had failed.... I'll try again soon!
I'm sorry AF arrived, it's horrible each month isn't it? Hopefully early on 2013 will prove itself to be a happy year for you!

RAINBOX... Your description of your dog made me laugh. We have a German shorthaired pointer with jowls like a St Bernard. We try to stop her shaking them in the house, but after a walk I usually have to wash the drool off my clothes. Not nice.
It's good your getting symptoms... Hormones must be doing their thing! Book to the nasty receptionist, she sounds horrible. I'm glad you sound as if your DR is trying to do what they can, an early scan will put your mind at ease a little for Christmas hopefully.

ELLY, Thankyou for your kind words lovely lady. Your Christmas plans sound perfect, what a good idea to get away. It just not what any of us planned is it? It's lovely you are having a party for Nancy.

Well, Merryn would have been 8mths today. Can't believe it's that long. Eight months is a great time, my boys were sitting and babbling away, most interested in everything. Exploring food and whatever they could reach. A grip like steel. I would have let her touch the frost on the fence posts and yelp, and 'help' with the Christmas tree. The lights would have been stared at and reqxhed out for. I can't believe she's not here, some days she is so vivid in my heart and my minds eye, curls and green eyes, loved by us all so much. (except the dog, probably)! It doesn't feel like its getting easier, it just feels like this is how it is. I looked at old photos of me and the boys yesterday, and two and a half years ago, before any MC, or losing Merryn, I looked like a different person. I miss being happy, properly deeply happy at the core of me, where I think grief now lives. I hope 2013 can be a happier year for us all.

Booooo to the nasty receptionist not book.... Spellcheck strikes again!

Oh green, your description is perfect.

No, Christmas is not like how any of us imagined or wished for - I really didn't mean it to sound as if it was just me/us finding it so hard, I understand exactly how we all are struggling. I'm just so sad for us all.

rainbox that's horrid of the receptionist, I'm glad that your GP was sympathetic though, and that you've got an early scan - it's so important to have the reassurance xxx

Sorry to not say hi to you all - am thinking of you all though xxx

Elly, you didn't sound like you meant that at all love, I wasn't meaning that!

Well... I've been brave! I got a cancelled appt with another dr, who I trust. She has prescribed me for the Thiroid imbalance and, after a push, agreed to read up on latest theory about what should happen if I get BFP. (the dose should increase).
The bit I wasn't expecting was that she was shocked that my consultant Obs. hasnt done any investigations as to why I repeatedly MC. So she has also referred me for a consultant appt at the MC clinic. The only sting in the tail is I asked her to check my BP, and it was really high still, so it's not coming down properly from the pre-eclampsia, which I had guessed anyway. I think I feel happy that I'm taking a pill that might stop me MCing, but I can't dwell yet on what might have been if I had known about this two years ago. I can't change it, so I need to make peace with it or go crazy.

Dp has booked us two nights this WE in London to take boys on Harry Potter studio tour and to visit the British museum, see the lights, etc. Im dreading going to London, but I need to face it, and we will enjoy the boys excitement I'm sure. (sorry I'm prattling on just now, I'm a bit all over the place. I'll try and shut up for a bit now)!

Oh my lovely ladies I've found you all again Stupid mntech have broken the iPhone app so I'm relegated to the mobile site on my phone and it lost you!! So lovely to come on and see Green Fan Rainbox and Kleine back. Though not so lovely to hear the tough times Right am going to name-check as best I can from memory

Green my lovely what an utterly shitty time you're having. Though it sounds like you've managed to find the right gp. Sorry it was such a trial finding a decent one. Just to echo everyone else - you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all my friend. As you know there are similarities between Merryn and Erin - we were told the fetal hydrops was caused by the tumours putting too much strain on her little body. Suspect the same may have been true with Merryn? Remind me again how many weeks you were with Merryn? I was 34+6 with Erin and that was the tipping point for her where the tumours/hydrops caused massive reduced movement prompting us to realise there was a problem. I'm sure the thought of busy London is daunting but if you can just try and lose yourself in the magic of the HP studio tour and give yourself a break from reality for a few hours. It really is magical (ha!) I found myself transported in to the films and quite forgot to be sad for a while whilst I was there. Hope the same happens for you xxx ps the butterbeer is rank!

Elly your plans for both Christmas and Nancy's birthday sound perfect. You sound like you are content with your plans too which I think for the first year is the best you can be.

Rainbox hurrah for sore boobs and sickness Tough decision about whether to tell PIL on Christmas day. On one hand what joyous news to share on the other perhaps a bit too parallel with last Christmas for you? I think the right way to announce it will come to you.

Waves fan can't wait to give you a big hug next week. Just know I'll be thinking of Fi, Beanbag and Bungle and the our tiny angels when Holly's candle is lit.

Kleine your page for E is so lovely, what a wonderful tribute to your beautiful girl. I've popped a small amount on there this evening. An amazing total showing just how much love there is for you, dp and of course E.

Blizy glad you are feeling a bit less low though understandably teary. It's such a tough time of year. Especially with AF on walkabouts for the wrong reasons! Fx for next week SA results xx

Babyh I'm so sorry AF got you again. It would have been so much easier facing the new year with a bfp I'm sure. Lots of Love xx

Mias and Blue how you you ladies doing with those scrummy babies? xx

Yay for good scan little xx

Waves to angel split too and anyone else I've missed from this epic post!!

As for me - looking forward to center parcs on Friday. So need a break, have been feeling really run down since Holly's hospital spell and quite on edge about her. She is totally better now though just 'bereaved mummy' paranoia creeping in. I think with that, the christening and Christmas I'm just exhausted atm. Also feeling teary Blizy Christmas no2 without Erin for us and though Holly eases some of the pain I still found my self sobbing decorating a little tree for Erin's grave. I think at that point I realised this will never stop hurting no matter how many more babies I have and actually why would I want to ever stop crying for her, there is love for her in every single tear. I will miss her forever and perhaps this is as good as it gets.

Thinking so much of all of you on your first Christmas without your babies - don't underestimate how you might feel on NYE. I didn't give it much thought last year until I realised I was going in to a new year that Erin would never be alive in. Unexpectedly hit me like a tonne of bricks. Am hoping this year won't be so bad.

Gosh, so much to read.

green your post lept out at me. I too have a dodgy thyroid (underactive) which came to light when Bobbie died. I too beat myself up mercilessly over it until we saw the consultant with the full results and found out that whilst not helpful, the thyroid was unlikely to be the culprit - more likely the toxo. I understnad that sense of treachery when you feel your body could have done or not done something that caused harm to your baby. Kleine is right, our bodies physical issues are totally separate from our own love and care for our babies. You didn't know, you couldn't have done anything about it. Please be gentle with yourself over this. I know what you mean though about hating the idea of having a whole new set of information to come to terms with, after you thought you'd got your head round the initial theory. It's very hard.
Do you know what sort of a thyroid issue it is? bartlet who's posted on here a few times is some kind of endocrine specialist medic, I saw her posting on someone's thyroid thread recently, - might be worth PMing her if you want up to date info/links/NHS best practice.

rainbox I'm glad you are getting sore boobs ... in the nicest possible way! Also boo to the bitchy receptionist and what a nice doc you have. Not long then til your scan x

kleine she's just breathtakingly gorgeous. I think that every time I see a pic of her. You are doing an awesome job with the fundraising!

elly a big well done holding your friend's baby xx Your quiet christmas sounds lovely, just right.

Someone was saying something about tree decs. Last year I got this glass angel bauble which you can personalise, so it is engraved with Bobbie;s name and DOB and a short quote. I got a matching one for Freya witha Christmas tree inside from them too. They look lovely.

Hmmm, as for us here. Freya has another cold, boo! It's miserable for her and frankly a bit gross for us what with the continual stream of snot!! DH has now finished work for christmas which is fab I apparently have a folate deficiency and am feeling a lot perkier now am on high dose folic acid. And tomorrow I am being brave... and should be going out for dinner with my NCT group. It is the first time I have ever left Freya for an evening . God knows what will happen. She has never gone to sleep at night other than on the boob so I predict a fair ole whack of screaming for DH. I think we'll try and make sure she has a loooong afternoon nap -keep reinserting boob everytime she tries to wake! - and hope she is full of beans and just stays up late. Because trying to go to bed without me is likely to cause meltdown.

Love to all. I hope baby Lotta and Finn are keeping well and giving their mummies some occasional sleep!! xx

Spilt gosh, can t believe you haven t been out at night since you ve had Freya???!!! Oh , I m a bad mummy I seem to average at least 1 night out a month!!! Need it ; time for me as me , not just Phoebe's mum or a specialist sister... Enjoy ... Your hubby will be fine ... Xxx
Wtw hope u enjoy your weekend away & glad all is improving... Yes, 2 nd Xmas here without my Georgie... Very sad ... Never ending sadness xxx
Hi Kleine xxx
Rainbox glad you re ok? Ignore your receptionist ... Who are they anyhow??? You don t need her... Jumped up cow!!! Xx
How's everyone? Hope ok...
Phebs decided not to sleep at all Mon night so knackered tues , especially has had a 12 hour shift!!! So, took today off was bliss. Tidyied up , ironed & slept in was fab. Day off tomorrow Pheb's Xmas party at nusery so back out then my work Xmas day at 6 on Fri so plenty of boozing...,then, might get around to putting our Xmas tree up at the weekend.
Love to all xxxx

WTW, good to 'see' you! Centerparcs, how exciting! I've never been there close to Christmas, but it's meant to be lovely. The outdoor pool on cold evenings is magical anyway...
It's lovely that you've decorated a tree for Erin, but of course it must have been heartbreaking. I had thought about what you said about NYE, I'm dreading it more than Christmas. Think DP and I might just go to bed and skip it... Long dog walk and hot choc at the beach on NYD.
Re Merryn and Hydrops, the drs were always a little confused. Her heart wasn't under strain, so she shouldn't have had significant Hydrops, her tumour was not too vascular. I guess we will never know now, and even if we did it wouldn't change anything. She was 32+1. (the main reason for her premature arrival was the pre-eclampsia).
I will avoid the butter beer! Thanks for the tip!!

SPILT.... Yes my thiroid is underactive too. What you said is so true, it's very diff not to blame myself, but I'm not a doctor, and will never really know what happened or why... It doesn't stop me stressing about it though! Thanks for the tip about BARTLETT, I don't want to pester her while she has her Mum not Dr hat on, but I will look for her threads over the WE if I can, it would be good to get some sound advice.
It's interesting that you have been put on high dose FA. I am also on this. The reason for me is that Merryns tumour was Sacracoccygeal, and FA is given to prevent problems with babies in this area, although I don't think there is any evidence to show it can prevent tumours... I know that there are links between FA and thiroid function, but not enough understanding yet to tell you what the links might mean! I am going to ask when I see the consultant, as I've been on high FA for seven months now, and not sure that's a good thing!
I hope you can enjoy your dinner... It was ages until I left my boys, and they BF forever, so I feel your pain! Freya will possibly be less anxious than you?!

ANGEL, sounds like you have a lovely day ahead? I have Ks advent play today, he is a shepherd... The five year olds have written the story, with lines like, "and Mary was HUGE so the donkey was very tired...." and the wise men "spoilt Jesus with very expensive presents, and even stinky perfume" can't wait, it's going to be very funny.

As for me, I had proper melt down collecting my boys from school. A woman had her newborn on her shoulder, and I hadn't noticed, so ended up right next to her. The shock hit me square in the heart, and I had to go outside. Another Mum who is a dear friend spotted me and came out with me and I sobbed on her for a while. I have never broke down in school before, I don't know what is going on with me right now...... Have other ladies had this regression back to feeling very raw and grief stricken all over again? Perhaps it's because I'm going to London later today....

Good morning to everyone else, I don't know if our hotel has broadband, but I will try to pop in over the WE....

You're not a bad mother angel! I feel like a right weirdo, everyone I know has gone out at least once, most plenty of times!!

Oh green, big hugs, what a shock to see a little baby so close. Yes the grief rears up like that from time to time. Just go with it and you will come to an easier place again before long. IME anniversaries or christmas/NY tend to be when that happens to me. Interesting that you are on high FA too, though it sounds like for different reasons, because of Merryn rather than a deficiency in you? I would def ask about staying on it, but to reassure you, the B vitamins are water soluble so an excess you just wee out. Your body can't store more than a few days of folate hence why you have to keep taking it if they identify a need.

My experience of thyroid issues has been that the docs were very laid back and wait and see over it, which might have been ok in "normal" life but when ttc/pg I was very anxious about. I did a load of reading and was quite persistent and eventually was started on thyroxine when 18 weeks pg with Freya. If they are not keen to medicate then please do ensure that they monitor you very closely and keep doing bloods, because thyroid stuff can change very fast in pregnancy. I found that I had to book bloods myself as they never automatically summoned me, had to be quite proactive.

If they are just in the process of diagnosis, it's worth knowing that it's quite common for hypothyroid people to be deficient or low in a number of other important vitamins so do ask to be tested for those too, esp as you are ttc. If these are low then apparently it can be harder for your body to use the thyroxine effectively. They are: folate (folic acid), vitamin B12, vitamin D, iron and ferritin. I have been found to be a bit crap in all except iron so have chosen to take high strength supplements and am being retested in 6 months incase I need B12 injections.
I found the Thyroid Patient Advocacy a helpful site, the Thyroid foundation, and British Thyroid association also good.
here is a gem of a site - Clinical Knowledge site, it's an NH site with full info for doctors on diagnosis, treatment and management and there's a whole section on ttc and pregnancy.

Hope that's useful, sorry to bombard you with stuff, I just found it hard to make sense of the info and blood tests for a while and these were the mot ueful places to get info. I will shut up now!!

Have a fab weekend in London xx

Just about to go..... But Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou SPILT....I am also someone who likes to feel like I 'know' what should be happening, so I will look at those sites with interest. I pushed to be put on meds, and my doc did agree because I had symptoms. I have been started straight away on low dose, then retest in end of jan.. My worry about FA was I seem to have a lot of the side effects of high dose use, so need to keep an eye, also think it may have 'masked' extent of thiroid issue. Anyway, I shall go to London, and give you all a break from my (riveting) medical life!

Oh god, I should not have watched Emmerdale tonight :(

I don't watch it Elly what happened? x

Rachel went into early labour, and her baby was alive but taken to NICU and they aren't sure if he'll survive. Seeing her panic at not knowing what was happening to her baby and the poor little baby in the incubator with all the wires and things just brought back so many memories.
DH was at work this evening so was home alone.

Yuck ELLY, I hate when that sort of thing 'jumps' out at me. My mum watches things like ER, and I have to avoid the sitting room when she visits us and they are on.(she controls the tv!) I don't know how she stomachs it! I hope you are ok, it's horrible to have such graphic reminders.

We are in London... I had a bit of a sob on the drive in on the m4, it was all a bit too familiar. K was asleep, but J was lovely, for a ten year old he is very sensitive I think.... Having said that, the other night as K was settling to sleep he had a conversation with me about how life was more important than love, and love couldn't save anyone, or Merryn would have been fine. He thought love was the best thing though, and life would be rubbish without it, and mummy love was the strongest and most magic thing in the universe, even stronger than superheroes and Harry Potter. This is high praise indeed from a five year old! So there you go, we are all stronger than superheroes! (this explains why we are still standing, I think)!

Oh green, I love K's thinking, child logic is just amazing. I hope you are ok and are able to relax and dare I say it, have fun.

Elly, it's horrible when things hit you whe they are not expected. I hope you are ok?

Whoopee, I managed to load alpaca photo to FB. This has taken months to work out (it won't take edited photos, and I'm rubbish at this kind of thing). Now I am off out to brave the science museum with boys while Dp at work!