Rainbow Babies. Making it through the storm, missing our Angels, loving and hoping for Rainbows.

[RainboxFX]

A shiny new thread in memory of our angels. To bring us all BFPs, sticky beans and healthy happy Rainbows.

missamel and mumalah I am so sorry to meet you both here. your little boys, Blake and jack sound adorable, I am so sorry they are no longer with you both. This thread has been a life saver to me since my dd Zoe was still born at 41 weeks on 28/2/2011. I too had defective placental maturation which caused her to die.

Rainbox, I am thinking of you and your beautiful little Dexter today, 6 months, how can that be? Hugs for you. x

green, How are you today? I have been thinking of you. x

fan, im glad you had agood day on sunday!

Sorry for being quiet the past week, I had AF again. It hit me hard this time. Anyway, Im on cd 10 so on the run up to OV once again. I was at the DR yesterday, the AD's are kicking in and I am starting to feel a bit like the old me.

So busy on here! I apologise now for a failure to namecheck you all.

rainbox thinking of you and little Dex today. So long and yet no time at all. Be kind to yourself x

mumalah Jack sounds so gorgeous, how utterly tragic his death is. I am so sorry he is no longer with you. Your experience in hospital sounds really traumatic, you poor thing.

green you are being amazing, day by day. What a pain the arse that DP is in London again. Is he away every week or is this a weird patch? Hope you start to feel physically stronger very soon, though I know emotionally its a longer road xx

fan luccky your DH, sounds like a fab birthday, would be just my thing! Quietly hoping for you ina few days.

blizy (hugs) for you, taking another disappointment and keeping standing. Here's hoping for this month. If you're on the run up to ov we shall not expect to hear much from you for a few days Great that the ADs are starting to do their thing.

wtw cheating on us! I have never got to grips with ebay, maybe I should try! Sounds like you are doing the sensible thing re DP and just getting on with things. Hopefully he will snap out of it soon.

kleine re the church thing. We were very actively involved, used to lead services, preach occasionally etc, the whole shebang. Then we lost Bobbie and I cannot reconcile her death with the God I had believed in. We tried going back periodically over the first 6 months or so but I never managed to get through a whole service without leaving in tears. I would shake with anger and fear and pain. Everything that was said and sung felt hollow and fake and I was on a constant loop thinking "yes but, what about my baby?" whenever God's strength, or love, or power, or care for us etc was mentioned or alluded to. I felt totally betrayed. Easter was the crunch point. I couldn't stand the easter story anymore and just wanted to scream "why didn't you save your son?? What sort of a parent could not?" and just felt I couldn't love and respect that sort of a parent.
I know that in the past I would have had an answer for all these things. I have even preached on Job and suffering ffs. But it doesn't make sense to me anymore and I have had to step back.
So church and I are on a break . I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't think I can go back to that particular church. It remains to be seen whether I can find any spark of faith or go somewhere else. Right now I don't want to. And I am so deeply glad that Bobbie is buried in the council cemetery not in the churchyard as we had first planned.
Sorry that's a long one, but you did ask!

blue and miasmummy time is ticking by and my goodness soon we will have 2 more rainbows on here. I cannot wait xx

Like fan I would like to send a wave to dachs, mel, hazy, razz, ciwi, shakey and cheese. Miss you, hope you and the babies are well. Love from us all xx

I am all crampy and sore and have that about to come on feeling. I am almost excited to see if I am going to get my periods back soon. Maybe in a day or two or maybe it's just practicing and will be in the next couple of months. If my hormones are working towards resuming normal cycles that might explain the broodiness. I dug out my folic acid and restarted it anyhows, might as well, they like you to take it for a good while before a preganancy, the longer the better I gather. Off out to a friends for lots of cake this afternoon, yum

Thanks Blizy and Spilt..... J works from home, but his company is based in Bath, where we used to live, and he will always have to travel to London, although not as much as now. He's finishing off an MA, and needs to travel to London more frequently until that's done. Shouldn't be so much after Christmas, although he always has worked far too hard! will be good to have him home more!

SPILT, you ARE sounding broody! I'm quite jealous of your cake.... I've gone from an aversion to sweet stuff, (always, while pregnant), to having even eaten the bloody cooking chocolate! I need to get a grip!
Re what you said about religion, it's almost exactly what I thought from about 23. (prior to that i was baptist). I had just started working with severely abused and neglected kids, and I just couldn't believe in prayer anymore, or a compassionate god, it made no sense. A parent doesn't need begged to help his children, that would be ridiculous, so how could prayer make any difference, surely a loving father would help if he could, without any prayer? Anyway, not thought about that for a while! Hope I've not offended anyone, Im absolutely not critical of anyone else's beliefs, especially if they provide comfort.

BLIZY, I'm sorry you've been having a tough time, I wish things would change for you soon. I'm glad the ADs are starting to kick in, it must be nice to get glimmers of 'you', if you get what I mean. Xxx

RAINBOX, I hope your day has been gentle on you. I've thought about wee Dexter while sitting in the sun watching the birds dart about, making patterns. He's in your heart. Xxxx

iPad not letting me scroll, but I'll no doubt be back after boys are in bed.

Hopefully I'll OV within the next two weeks, then I'm back on this TTC loop again. Merryn was conceived straight after a MC, so I'm a bit nervous of repeating whatever conditions made things go wrong for her...not based in any reality, just scared! Fear is just something we live with now, isn't it?

blizy So glad the AD's are starting to take affect. Fx for this cycle.

I was going to do so much this evening including carving my pumpkins but the main circuit breaker to the flats I live in tripped and all the communial areas had no lighting, and also we couldnt use the front door and the fire alarm was going off, this happened twice, the first time it was fixed only worked for 1/2 hour, then it tripped again. So me and my neighbour have been running around looking after the old lady upstairs and ringing the housing company. Thankfully its partially fixed now, we still have no lighting but at least we can use the front door and the bloody fire alarm is now quiet.

Sat down and did a bit of crochet but Im now tired and think I might get into bed with sick DH, he has a bad chest (asthma) and bad sinus pain, poor man hes knackered.

green yes it is something we all live with now, Im scared that it will happen and also that it will not.

rainbox thinking of you, I hope today was as gentle as it could be. Six months is very hard, its seams such a long time.

Hello everyone, today was a stormy day with hail here, tail end of the hurricane in the states. It seemed awful in the morning but kind of cozy by evening.

Just wondering, how long does it usually take for AF to return if not breast feeding? With both my dds I breastfed a long time as they were quite stubborn! This time I am hoping, and wondering, how long is average? Is everyone quite different?

I called Dr. Today and requested a referral to a big hospital down south for a preconception consult and genetic screening. It feels like something to look forward to for some reassurance and hopefully answers. Anyone have luck with that sort of thing.

missamel my Af turned up about 5 weeks after Ophelia was born, but I did have my placenta removed by the doctor as it was stuck so I think my bleeding was reduced due to this.
As to your question about preconception consult and genetic screening, i think here in the UK they would talk about genetic screening only if something was to come up in the post mortem or you had three or more miscarraiges. I could be wrong but I wasnt offered anything like this.

Hello everyone, lots of old names and some new ones too which is sad to see but hope all are ok!

I've not been on MN for a couple of months but thought it was time to come back after the rest. Ella is 9 months now and doing so well. Still waking for feeds many times a night but just started crawling and is already in 12-18 month clothes.

Hope to catch up with you all.

cheese waves frantically, so good to hear from you and the gorgeous Ella. She sounds like shes doing so well.

blizy I have been wondering how you are doing. I am v pleased to hear the ADs have started to work a little bit. But so, so sorry about AF Oh it's completely rubbish isn't it? Huge hugs to you xx

spilt thank you (and green) for what you said about church/faith/belief. Really so interesting! It's been a little different for me. My faith hasn't gone or even really been shaken - for me, I had already reconciled my ideas of God with that fact that terrible things happen, so the fact that they happened to my daughter hasn't really changed that. But, I do feel very differently now about how to approach my faith. Yes, also, to questions regarding the point, or the power, of prayer... We've not managed to go back to church, but we think we'll find a new church at some stage. We had intended to, anyway, with E, as ours is quite far away and we wanted to get to know more local families. It all looks a bit scary, now, though.
I am more and more frustrated with the fact that my 'new life', after E, is terribly complicated in EVERY single way, and sometimes particularly in places where before no complications existed. Grrr. I hate it!

missamel you were asking about AF - I had complications after my EMCS and lots of bleeding for quite a while, but my first AF was after 10 weeks. I am at 20 weeks, now, and am in a regular-ish cycle (I think!), although it's not the same as it was before I was pg.

cheese hello! We did 'meet' a couple of months ago, I recognise your name... Ella sounds gorgeous and very full of life - to her still feeding four times a night though, goodness; well done you...

fan you sound like you were a lovely neighbour last night. Are things back up and running today? Will you be carving those pumpkins? Hope DH is better soon (esp as it's his birthday coming up) xx

hi wtw I am also very at you cheating on us on ebay. I will send the MN police round to sort you out... Btw I agree with fan who said how gorgeous those pics of K & H were. Such beautiful girlies.

green oh... the fear. I call it (drum roll) The Fear, actually, as I think it deserves capital letters. It infiltrates everything. All those hideous worries about the future. And also, I am currently feeling very scared about doing anything outside the house, which is such hard work - it comes and goes, but this week it's quite strong, and all I want to do is stay in. And then there's all the other things of which I am terrified now. DH flew to the continent for a day, for work, and I was so tense that I couldn't sleep. I knew he would be fine and that I was being ridiculous. But the thought that he possibly might not be... Oh, The Fear. Such a huge part of grief, isn't it.
Also, I would really like to move to Devon, yes please!! Am not really a big-city kind of gal. DH's job keeps us here for now, but, one day...

missamel my pregnancy ended at 20 weeks and my first period was just over 5 weeks later (usual cycle just over 3 weeks so it was 2 weeks longer than usual). A friend lost a baby at 7 weeks and had the same experience of her period being usual cycle + 2 weeks after the MC. Test wise, they did a massive pile of blood tests on me the day I had my baby (thyroid, toxoplasmosis, rubella, clotting disorders and a load more I can't remember), and they did a tiny bit of testing on the skin sample from my baby (checking for any chromosonal abnormalities and confirming gender). That was it for tests, nothing further later on. I'm in the UK too and that was NHS.

kleine you see this is why I was so annoyed with myself. I too thought I had reconciled my faith with the fact that we live in an imperfect world and terrible things do happen. But when they happened to me I couldn't accept it. No idea.

spilt oh sweetie. It's just all so... huge, isn't it? I can't say (&don't pretend to know) how I'll feel about this all in one, two, ten years time. So far, my not-terribly-helpful-really strategy has been - I'll just wait and see what the future brings. I don't really know what else I can do, though - I'm sure all my beliefs about EVERYthing are going to change dramatically.
Don't be annoyed with yourself if you can help it... you're completely normal, I'm quite sure! xx

Spilt and Green and Kleine, I found that this has really tested my faith. I'm not super religious, but I've always had spiritual beliefs. Now they're all mixed up. I talked to a minister a few times, he and his wife had a pregnancy loss as well...and I felt like I could borrow his faith for a bit. That only helped for a bit tho. Now I'm trying to take my faith down to the simplest terms, I believe in a creative force for growth and love, a creator I guess, but I'm no longer sure what he/ she can do for me! The minister told me to look for God in the love of my family, so I guess that's a starting place too. It's all tough and confusing right now!

cheese! Lovely to see you again. I can't believe Ella's in 12-18 clothes already, that;s incredible! Amazing how far she has come when you think back to how small and early she was. Well done the pair of you. I feel your pain re the night feeds, Freya still snacks all night long. It's both the benefit and the downside of cosleeping. I am her own personal milk bar and I'm sure she's just munching for the fun of it half the time Love the snuggles but I wouldn't mind a decent night's sleep one of these days.

The cat is home from the vets, he had his dental op yesterday and had to stay in overnight as he was quite swollen and with raspy breath. Seems very perky now though. Poor love has had all his molars and premolars extracted so has precious few teeth left. I poached him some fish for his tea and he's curled up on my bed with me and Freya now . Bank account is £335 the lighter though.

kleine oh The Fear, you are so right. I remember being a gibbering wreck when I knew DH would be driving. I was convinced he would die too. The good news is that (for me anyway) it has mellowed somewhat overtime. I won't say my old perspective has been restored, I am much more anxious and tend to expect the worst these days, but it's not as paralysing or as stressful as in the early months. The Fear comes when there;s something out of the ordinary (eg the cat's op, I was v worried when they wanted to keep him in, thought that was it, and was waiting to hear he'd not made it this morning), but normal events are largely normal now. i.e. I don't go to bits when DH drives 7 miles to work everyday . There is hope!!

fan hope your DH is feeling better today?

CD28 for the past two AF's I have started spotting on the 26th day, so I'm freaking a bit. I will hold off testing till sunday, its DH's birthday, so would be great. I am feeling tired and a bit peeky.
Trying so hard not to get hopes up.

Oh fan I have everything crossed for you!

split. hope the cat is getting over the op?

fan, I have everything crossed for you my lovely!

kleine, I don't have any religious views, I am a non believer. Although I do like to think of Zoe being in heaven and meeting up with her one day.

I hope everyone is well, sorry no time to catch up with you all. I am busy with work. Got to go now, get ready for baby mindee.

Quietly crosses fingers for fan xx

blizy cat is doing fine thanks, very happy to be home and snoring away. He smells so much better now his mouth is no longer manky and full of pus!

Love to all xx

I shouldn't have written that earlier I'm having problem concentrating on anything else other than am - or aren't I. I need to get home so I can distract myself with housework before the big fireworks display.
Damn this!

Oh and all this waiting to test, I nearly cracked in sainsburys earlier.

Remember you want FMU to test fan so today is no good. Make sure you flush fast tomorrow if you want to avoid temptation! Enjoy your fireworks!

at the 'flush fast' advice from spilt
(Although, once you've - ahem - been, surely it's too late anyway? You have now led me to suspect that you were in the habit of putting your test sticks down the loo, in your more desperate moments... Sorry for the mental image, everyone! Just made me chuckle )

Hang on in there, fan, my lovely.

at blizy xx

spilt thanks that made me laugh.

Ah, another one who's laughing! Hi fan xx

I meant poppet, god I really am all over the place.

Oh god really ignore me