TTC for 10+ months, part 9

[akuabadoll]

Ladies, number 9. The lucky one.

buzzy and Artemis or should that be lustful face at Oscar P. He is rather lovely to look at. Really religious though apparently :/

doll good luck at the drs! I say go for the ivf , but that's just cos i'm doing it...

gin I could shake the bejeeezus out of him although have to say there are some lusty Olympians/Paralympians out there, Mr B went to see the parade and was a bit disappointed that he didn't see Jess Ennis.

artemis Charlie was the first name that came into my head but I did have a bit of a think of other names I might not get to have a baby to name but at least I'll always have Charlie

doll I hope all goes well with your Dr

Oooh artemis the RAGE at that Telegraph piece. And it's really poorly written too. Arrgh. Satisfying to see how many people agree though. Makes sense that you're moving onto IVF and skipping injectibles, if ovulation isn't the problem - although will you still have to do the injections before EC? I am really hopeful for you.

gin my injections are sub-cutaneous (meaning they just have to go into fat just under the skin) not intramuscular (the ones you have to do in the leg or bum)... apparently they are less painful than the intramuscular ones.

buzzy can't believe shag week has rolled around so quickly! So sorry about the headaches - poor you, that is miserable.

doll really good luck for Wednesday. I have a scan then too to see how the old ovaries are progressing (got blood tests today and the sweet Midwestern nurse left a message this afternoon saying my hormone levels are 'doing great') so we can be appointment buddies. I am rooting for you with all my heart.

lemon I hope you're as ok as you can be. Hugs.

Hi Ladies but aaaaaagggghhh. Just lost a massive post which was 'deep aNd meaningful' and discussed the positive feelings thing etc. Also had loads of chat to everyone about their updates and mine. It took me an hour to write and can't do it again - sob. So this is a quick hello and hugs to those who need it. I'm ok - having daily dildo camming and pee testing at hospital in await for ovulation then FET.

Oh I have a horrible feeling that I just ovulated later than I thought. I'm sure ERTD will be with me tomorrow. But the cheerleading is very welcome. You lot are ace

Sorry about the steam cleaner dreams . Used to be, that we had steamy dreams. Oh what have we become . If I talk about how George Clooney is great at doing the dishes, will we all now dream about him instead?

I have been so crap at name checking. I have been phone posting a lot lately in a slightly misguided and ineffective attempt to cut down Internet time . But I'm reading and taking it all in and will try to catch up soon.

We are here Nelly and in the absence of news let me share a ridiculous imagine - 2 year old girl in gladiator sandals. Think that should do it.

Thanks for the appointment buddy idea Critter I could use that. Me and little Doll are by ourselves here this week. Hate doctors and hospitals let alone the baby making kind. On top, for me, it's one of the times I feel less than comfortable out of my home country. I left in 1996 and hardly think about it but there is something about the medical world that heightens my sensitives.

Gin that's funny, like when your friends start having kids a thousand years ago in my case and they tell you that you must do the same. Just because they are covered in baby sick it must be a good idea.

Well firstly, I've woken to the tennis news .

And then I peed in a cup, undecided about testing. Pee was clear and basically no spotting in 24 hours. I named my imaginary child Andy.

Went to wipe and (way tmi alert) had a long string of blood hanging out of me. I presume that is CD1 then. Only have one test left so I won't waste it. Meh.

Morning lovelies!

Thanks for all the support, I've sort of caught up (but you will forgive me for no name checking, right?) As to the stats, I am completely cured of my complete love of stats, my hcg numbers were indicative of a very, very high chance of continuing pregnancy. And it was not to be. So :( If and when I get another BFP, I have already decided that I don't want to know my numbers and that I want to hide with a load of box sets for the first weeks. I'll come out for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks (but no earlier confusing and depressing scans).

Thanks for those who said I am coping amazingly, I really am not, I just show the pain to MrL, who has never seen me anywhere near as miserable as this in the time he's known me. Thanks for the big pads tip I had my first serious blood loss yesterday, I had to run away from lunch at work to change, because it is clotty and fills up a decent sized pad in about three seconds. I hate the no tampons rule, it made my commute home a lot more fraught. So I am working from home today, nice and close to the loo!

Sorry for bringing the thread down, but it is good to write it down and let is go. Btw why is autumn here?!?

:( about the string of blood. But :) about Andy (both your future child and The Champion).

Morning all,

Nelly so sorry that ERTD turned up. I was so hoping that this would be your month. Still, on the plus side less spotting has to be a good thing? Maybe? Hope you are ok and not too disappointed.

Lemon you are doing amazingly. I promise. I collapsed twice when I was going through it out of sheer grief. And waded around sobbing heavily for days and days. And then there were days when I couldn't move out of bed. To be working, even from home, is incredible. You are brave and strong. And you are grieving a loss so it's only natural that Mr L is going to see you very very upset. xxx xxx xxx Love to you both xxx xxx xxx And yes, autumn is defo here although we have a lovely sunny day on the south coast.

Critter you are well 'ard. Glad to hear that you are feeling better on injectibles. I am really impressed that you can do them. Just the thought of it makes me shudder!!

Doll yes, 2yo in gladiator sandals is ridiculous. Surely a nice pair of sensible, soft leather Clarks (or Bahrain equivalent) sandals or trainers is all that is required by 2 yo feet?

Buzzy loving that name. I asked my Dad what his chimp would be called and he said Charlie too . What I love about this game is that no-one needs any time to name their chimp, it's an instant thing. You go, what is your chimp called and they instantly come back with a name My chimp's called Kiki. And I imagine her to have a big floppy pink bow on her head. She is big and angry but also very touchy. The more I get into the book the more I realise I'm led by Kiki and not Princess. Maybe one day I'll write a book called the Adventures of Princess and Kiki.... now there's an idea :) Steve Peter's wrote an article about training an Olympic mind and is pushing his book in the article in the Body & Soul section of the Times today.

Sarlart sorry you lost a massive post. I have discovered that if you are timed out before you send, you can click the back button on the browser and everything is still there. Then you can copy the post, log in and paste the post and hey presto, nothing is gone :) Hope you are well at the moment.

Artemis even for us Suvvners £40 is ridick for breakfast!!!! My bro has started college south of the border and was horrified by the cost of a hair cut. Double what he normally pays north of the border and was having a right old moan about it yesterday! I scanned that awful article too. I feel sorry for that women. She clearly feels defined by her children and that's all. To say that women can't be great novelists because they haven't experienced child birth or motherhood is just weird. I reckon she has a childless friend who's a better writer than she is and she's jealous.

I don't have anything to report here. Except I bought some new twat wear yesterday afternoon (still love that Artemis ) and made a nice prawn curry. I'm still feeling 'not bothered' by TTC. It's shag week and there has been no enforced games of hide the sausage. I don't know what cycle day I'm on. I didn't think about not having babies until I had a little read on here before work. I started to randomly feel a bit about one of our friends who is pregnant and then how it felt like September and that's when we started trying for a baby after our wedding 2 years ago. A bit of a feeling came over and I started getting the TTC fog but I used one of my techniques that the life coach taught me and it started to evaporate and a little time after I was left here happy, getting on with work, wearing in new shoes and genuinely not bothered. Oh and importantly thinking about how it's good for her that she's pregnant and on her path and that my path is just different. I'm fully aware that this sounds all woo and nonsense but I thought I would tell you all about this because it proves that the feelings are still in there. It's just I'm learning to move them on. Because I don't want them any more. I also had a mega splurge of CM (not the EW variety) yesterday, the likes of which I've not had since being a young teen. Even as it got more plentiful in the months of doing the diet it was never that, er, bountiful. Sorry if TMI. I don't think this will be our month but I don't feel any pressure for us to get there this month. Even in the face of pregnant friends and taking so long. I'm actually enjoying not being pregnant and being able to do all sorts of stuff at the moment. It's a very weird feeling and one that I'm almost a tiny bit guilty about having....

Waves to all. Hope it's a great day for all. Lots of love, Princess & Kiki xxx

Lovely lovely lemon. I echo everything princess said, with a few hugs of my own for good measure. But please don't worry about bringing the thread down. We've all needed the mega-support at times, and you've certainly given your share. We will be your solid ground, for you and MrL for as long as you need us. Much luffs xxxxx

princess I think I'm feeling similar to you. CD1 is here. And it's ok. I marched downstairs, started on the aspirin, took my q10. Ok I felt a wobble but I too tried my Woo technique to stamp it out. So far I feel alright.

Oh yes, less spotting must be good. I just need to remember next month

Oh and something funny did happen yesterday evening. Well sort of. If you're a weird TTCer like I am. Walking around a different supermarket doing some errands for work (weird, yes, I know - new office opens tomorrow and I had to get some emergency bits and bobs for the opening) and looking for boxes of tissues. Couldn't find anywhere, asked for help and directed to the baby aisle because apparently that's where boxes of kleenex live these days (WTF??) First thought, well that's clearly designed out of cruelty send the barrens down the baby aisle before they reach the tissues and then have to start blubbing their way through multiple boxes. Anyway, I was a bit and a teeny bit as it had taken a.g.e.s. to find these blessed boxes and then I was a bit, "oh I may never get to buy nappies " but then on my left hand side were boxes of Tena lady and I was like, "well on the plus side I may never have to buy boxes of Tena lady either, maybe the universe isn't so cruel after all" And then I found myself at myself and looking a bit like an idiot.

Haha that is indeed funny! Like when I had to visit my newborn niece, the advice from rabbit to squeeze my pelvic floor just because you can

I'm often in the baby aisle as sudocreme and baby wipes are staples in my hobble paraphernalia. But I usually skulk, eyes on the prize. I've said it before although not sure if it was on this thread; but I always expect an announcement over the tannoy: Would the barren in aisle 4 step away from the pampers. Nothing for you here.

I read somewhere today that miscarriages are 1 in 3 pregnancies? I had forgotten it was so high, and I know it doesn't really help but just to emphasise Lemon how normal they are and it doesn't mean anything in terms of your chances. I too think you're sounding amazingly calm and collected. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope it passes soon.

Nelly I'm impressed with your swiftness of moving on to zen-ness with cd1, in fact for you and princess the woo seems to be having a great effect. I know there's been debate on here about whether state of mind affects your chances. Here's my contribution: I think that feeling negatively doesn't hurt your chances or have any negative effects. But that feeling positive can only help enjoy life in the meantime and can only help with the mind body connection. There you go, my win win philosophy. A bit like when I read horoscopes I only believe the good bits.

I've been really enjoying the chat about how to feel more balanced and positive, no matter what happens. It seems there's a good bit of positive vibes around at the moment. I got the chimp book - only read a few pages but it makes so much sense. My human brain makes so many plans particularly those which take dedication such as sticking to eating plans which my chimp refuses to carry out. I'm going to have to name my chimp Harry, after prince Harry in Vegas - she definitely does not know what's good for her and wants to lead me astray all the time! The real me is probably more William.

It's Cd1 approaching for me too, though taking its time to get going so far, just lots of brown spotting. The spotting is something that's come back with a vengeance after all this medication, it was pretty much under control when iwas doing lots of woo last year. My goal at the moment is just to achieve healthy cycles with the Chinese herbs, acupuncture, meditation and diet and then see how things go. Can't recall who it was but someone made a good point about timescales. It's the monthly focus that I find hard. I've been trying to change my focus and accept that I'm not going to stop trying, the menapause may be 10 years ish away for me, so I've got another 10 years of trying to make babies. I don't mean it in a depressing way, more that I'm settling in for the long haul, and trying to think of ways to make things long term habits and feel more positive and getting on with my life at the same time, as opposed to being focused on each month waiting for my life to start. Hope that makes some sort of sense. Thinking I've got 10 years also makes me feel a bit more relaxed and little bit back of that feeling that i always used to have of 'things will be alright' I've obviously no idea if I have or not but these doctors don't know either so I may as well decide! I'm sure I'll be wailing again at some point.

I am slightly vexed about something here though. Since the last round of meds I've developed quite concerning dark skin patches along my upper lip. It looks like a bad 5 o clock shadow, but when you look closely it's not hairs it's actually skin discolouration. I googled and guess what - it's a common case in pregnancies. That's another indignity to the list then, and still no pregnancy. Ho hum. Apparently it fades in time. You'll be able to spot me at the meet up,I'm the one with the 'tache.

hi everyone , wondering if i could join your thread?
I've been trying since i turned 35( im 41 now !) had 1 miscarriage about 2 yrs later, last year we finally were told my husbands sperm had low motility, he went on all these diff vits and 3 mths later we were preg, i miscarried at around 6 weeks, fell preg again within the mth, miscarried around the same time. Was then told i had very high natural killer cells and put on asprin, steriods and other bits , fell preg within first cycle on steriods and miscarried around 8 weeks but baby stopped growing around 6 again, this was in feb, since then i was trying to recover from being on the steriods, my cycle was in a mess and i felt like i aged 15 years, my muscles and joints hurt and i could not even walk up stairs without being in pain.
in june we decided not to go back on steriods for now and to try accupuncture, herbs etc etc , that was 3 mths ago and im starting to try again next mth, who knows whats going to happen.
pout i noticed what you wrote about the pain in your leg on 1 side , my chine doc said it was edema, my gp did everytest they could think off and could not find anything , i was so fed up with the pain and taking pain killers, since being on accupuncture and herbs my legs are nearly back to normal

Welcome Picolina I'm sorry you've had such an awful, awful time of it. You poor, poor thing. Hopefully you won't be here long (in the nicest possible way :) ) We're a lovely bunch and very supportive of one another. Very interesting about all of your woo treatments and the accu helping your leg. Can I ask, did the NHS test for the NK cells or was that done privately? Big hugs and welcome again x

pico welcome there is great support on here and a bit more lively

princess and cosmo my chimp is most certainly a boy!! No pink bows in site i'm afraid :) loving the Harry antics

nelly Sorry about ERTD

critter I think Mr B and I feel it has come around too quick the joys of ovulating early

lemon I too think you are brave, I just dried so much at work that they got sick of it the first time and then told me not to go in the second time I just couldn't keep it together

well Charlie has been out of his cage all day and really mis behaving (work is pants again), I feel we are one step away from throwing poo at the wall right now. Most go home and read more, maybe a mini taser to get him back in his cage would help, well better get back to it

Oh and Cosmos I forgot to say how much I love the name of your chimp. And I'm sure you don't look like you have a 'tache.

Buzzy at the taser and poo throwing

Welcome picolina - sounds like you have had a really rough time of things and so sorry to hear about your mcs.

sarlat How annoying about the long post, I hate it when that happens. And you always write so well too, so I bet it was a great one. I am really excited for your upcoming FET - I can't believe it is here already. We will be cheering you on, and your little frosties.

cosmos I think you're very brave and doing really well with the woo, and getting yourself in a really good place. I'm full of admiration. I did last night, inspired by you, and it made me feel so much better. Thank you. Sorry to hear about the skin discolouration - that sucks, this process is full of horrible jokes on us.

nelly well done on maintaining the CD1 zen. You're doing absolutely brilliantly. I think George Clooney dreams sound awesome, but to be honest a steam cleaner would be almost as exciting for me . And brilliant news on the tennis - my Scottish colleague will be thrilled, she was recording it yesterday! I watched the Wimbledon final in an airport bar in Maine with a bunch of Americans who were all cheering for Federer - me and my sister were the only Andy fans.

princess there has to be a silver lining, right? Love the Tena lady moment! As nelly says, at least our pelvic floors are still intact. Small mercies. I am so impressed by all your woo-ing and the positive effect it's having. And great about the CM! It's bloody hard to be upbeat in this crap waiting period, but you're really making the best of this time. When you have your little one, I bet you'll be really proud of how you managed this time waiting by learning more about yourself. That's certainly how I feel. I doubt I would have tried meditation or done so much reading and travelling if I had had a baby right away.

lemon I am so sorry that you're going through this. I wish with all my heart that you were spared this horrible experience.

Waves to everyone else - akuaba the rabies story sounds intriguing, that isn't a sentence you hear everyday! I can imagine that going for an IVF consultation abroad would be weird - it's odd enough in the US, let alone in the Middle East. I usually write down questions that I want to ask, as I often forget when I'm there because I get nervous.

Autumn is here too - it's an absolutely gorgeous day, sunny and crisp. I have a smear today, the joy. It's with my old OBGYN, who I feel slightly annoyed with for having given me three months of unmonitored clomid, which just meant I had a long time stressing and not knowing what was going on, but on the plus side he did my smear last year (they do them every year here) and it was the least uncomfortable one I have ever had. And I'm meeting a friend for $5 happy hour martinis afterwards - can't be bad.

buzzy at Charlie's behaviour!

Right, hello again everyone!

I'm going to declare thread bankruptcy and just start from this point. Since I got back from my travels at the weekend, I have been staying away until I could find a chunk of time to catch up on the past couple of weeks, but it just ain't happening, so I am going to jump back in here.

What have I missed? I saw Lemon's news. :( What someoen be kind enough to catch me up on the past 2 weeks?

I'm in sh@g week for cycle 23, but we haven't managed it yet - I've just been too busy and knackered since I got back. I don't think I've laid my egg yet though, so we might still be in with a chance.

I'm not feeling too bad about ttc. The manic past couple of weeks have helped to take my mind off things. Clearly there is a silver lining to working 16 hr days....

Critter and Cosmos I'm just coming round from a late lunch 'loving kindness' meditation session.... I am really starting to love all of this stuff. It's a real enlightenment. Thanks to you both :) I may have to get some more guided meditations. There is something much more soothing about Jon Kabat-Zinn than there is about Zita, but she definitely has her place and I will still listen to her every night before bed. I also found my mind wandering off in the longer 'loving kindness' meditation and think I will put some effort into my focus :)

Euro welcome back :) Glad you are feeling ok about TTC and work has been a useful distraction. I hope you'll be doing lots of stuff to wind down and relax... spot of shooting or something? I don't think I could possibly provide you with a run down as so much has been happening with everyone! In my news, it's all about the Chimp Paradox book, life coaching, moving house and not being so hung up about getting pregnant. When I say moving house, I'm still in my flat surrounded by boxes, I'm not at the PiL's and there is still a license to assign issue raging on. So we will most likely be here for another week (this keeps happening every week so I'm convinced that we will never be out!!) Anyway, as part of my therapy / life coaching I've planned my child free future as an alternative and I'm really starting to reap some benefits of putting time into all this mind/brain stuff. I too am in shagweek but with zero expectations of actual conception.

princess I found my mind wandering too - my sister (who meditates a lot) tells me that this is normal and ok! She says that by just sitting down to do it, you are doing good, and that even if you can focus for 10 seconds, it's beneficial. I maybe had five minutes of full concentration in that whole 40 minute meditation, but it still made me feel much better than before. You are doing a wonderful thing by making the space for it, even if it's a struggle. I haven't tried Zita but I do love me some Jon, there is so much compassion in his voice.

euro welcome, we've missed you! 16 hour days sound no fun at all - I agree with princess, perhaps a bit of shooting to relax? Well done on the relaxed approach to shag week. My news is that I'm on to my first cycle with Gonal F injections and feeling a million times better than I did on Clomid.

I'm running wildly amongst the tents in two week wait angst. I feel I've done very well since the July meltdown in keeping happy and getting on with life. But am having a slight wibbly and need a hand hold. I'm 14dpo according to ff which ties in with ewcm but the temp rise was fairly slow. Now tomorrow will be the official ff test day. My chart is triphasic again and no spotting at all. I've also accrued 80 points of symptoms which is a first but really they are normal luteal things for me like sore ish boobs, cm etc except I've been horribly gassy . however, I had a distinctly period like pain earlier and I don't feel especially different. I'm thinking I ovd later which is annoying. Either way,it all a bit mentally. I can test and be disappointed, wait for spotting and be disappointed or a temp drop. I never test early says I have white space phobia.
For a few days I've felt really cheered that I might just have down it but it's all left me and now I just feel scared of the let down. I can manage a lot of the sadness of all this far more now than I used to but I don't seem to be able to get the hang of not feeling shite on cd1. I have never managed one without crying.

lemon I'm sorry you are having to deal with physical side of things, it sounds incredibly difficult and I hope you don't have to suffer them for too long. I do think you are being very brave. Being at home sounds like a good plan. This will pass but it's horrible it has to be there in the first place.

artemis I hated her article! It was a thinly disguised mums are better than non mums and what awful shite that you can only have a deeper empathy of human emotions once you've pushed a baby out of your fanny. What if you had a c section? What about women who have experienced grief, infertility, famine, rape and loss? And actually you dont have to experience extreme pieces of life to be deeply empathetic. I'd like to shout at her! Smug cow. Ah that's better

princess I started the chimp book. It has been helpful a bit in managing the mentals. I can be logical that it is highly unlikely I'm pregnant and think ahead to the next month and accept it. Doris finds that very very difficult. I'm not far away from buzzy in terms of shot throwing! I'm going to read a bit more after posting this. I like the visual aspect of it lots.im glad you are finding tools to manage things a little more. I don't think woo will get me diffed. I'm happy to pay money to have my acu listen to me and give sound advice ( the needles might do something too I hope). I'll concede that healthy living has got to be good. But mostly breathing and meditations just help me to manage the day to day crapness of not being that ace at sprogging. Negative months, positive months, there has never been a baby.

critter how's the injecting going? I blank out that I may ever have to do that. I'm not needle phobic but I am very very blood phobic. I cant look at it and find my own periods a challenge. I faint if I see a lot of it in an accident. I found my hematoma horrifying and have never been able to help a child who injured themselves because I've usually been out for the count (I did have teaching assistants though!). It's not that grown up when I read back! Tell it to me straight, do you see your own blood!?

cosmos oh bums about the pigmentation. I had a bit of that on the pill and it did go with time. I'm sure it isn't as noticeable as you think it is. I do think when I look at my stomach that having a c section type scar is really taking the piss. If anyone saw me naked, they would think I was a mother. I try not to think about it too much.

picolina sorry your journey has been so long and trying. It does sound thought that with the right treatment you will get there in the end. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

euro welcome back.

nelly crap at cd1. Preg tests and periods seem to attract each other in my book, it sucks. Hope you're ok, well done for keeping positive.

Waves to everyone else. I'm going to squeeze my pelvic floor muscles to push out the spotting and be done with this torment!!