Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Well I just called the EPU and wish I hadn't.

The staff nurse I spoke to said I can't self refer and they don't do scan at mo because they aren't in their normal ward because they are being refurbed. I said that I'll call my consultant mon then because I need an early scan this week anyway, explained that my baby died at 2 days old at Christmas and that I'd been promised they'd look after me this time - she said they they might not even be able to see anything on a scan at this stage anyway and that I may have to keep going back - I said I'd live there if I had to!
Anyway, feel anything but reassured from that and wish I hadn't even called - cant do anything til mon am unless anything goes horrendously wrong in the meantime. :(

So much for looking after me.

elly I was told similar by my doctor, hugs to you. How is the spotting?
Get the chocolate out, some crap non thinking telly and put your feet up its all you can do.
I wish I could make it stop for you, but remember its not over.

elly if you need a response quick from me, pm me it pings on my phone and we can chat if you want. Doesn't matter what time, if I hear it I will answer.

Oh Elly love how scary for you. Another here for hand holding. Sorry epu weren't more helpful. Sending lots of sticky vibes your way xx

elly holding your hand too. So at that EPU nurse. What happened to her sensitivity / humane gene!! Is there the possibility of going anywhere else?

And thank you everyone so much for your love today. I have been brought to tears by you all. It has been a beautiful day, sunshine and laughter, love and friendship. And sadness, of course, but the greatest feeling I had today was that I felt blessed - by having the enormous and amazing privilege of having had Mia in our lives, but also for the wonderful friendship which has been shown to us, yet again. Our day at Mia's Wood was perfect, and we have planted a glorious liquid amber which will greet and guide visitors to the wood to new paths and adventures.

elly just to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending much love your way. I hope you can rest tonight.

miasmummy you are such an inspiration to me. How amazing you are, to feel the way you do about today. Mia could not have asked for better, braver parents.
I hope for you, too, that you will get some sleep tonight. xx

ELLY, I hope things eased off through the day for you. Epu nurse is not doing her job, IMO. Very cross for you. I've never had that kind of response, and it's not ok. I hope your consultant sorts them out!

Mia'sMummy, your day sounds like it was beutiful. The tree you have chosen is amazing, so perfect for Mia.

Awake here. Oh well.

Hi green - me too! Up feeding Holly. Did you manage to sort ds's family homework? xx

WTW, I've such a lovely image of you snuggled up with your girl now!
I think we are going to let him choose something from her cupboard to take in, he could have a copy of her handprints, which might work out fine. He's not upset about it really, just wants to include her.
I can't remember if it was you who asked about whether he saw her in the crem, but no he didn't. He visited Merryn the week she was in GOSH twice, and then our lovely undertakers drove her back to Devon for us in their camper van, and she was in the wooden cabin they have nestled in the kitchen gardens near my boys school. I went to visit for ages every day for a week, and although I didn't go into her room, I sat with Ru and Claire and talked (and cried), with the woodburner warming us and big mugs of tea. Claire played with the boys, but they didn't go in to see Merryn either, although they picked her bluebells. It was a lovely time after London, and we are grateful that Ru and Claire made it so gentle for us. Claire kissed Merryn goodnight while she was with them, without being asked, infact she said she hoped I didn't mind. I'll never forget her kindness and care for my girl. Its funny what can become a happy memory.
Anyway, if I will be awake at 3 am I will ramble on, sorry! I hope WTW that you are back to sleep by now and Holly is contented and snuggled up too. X

Aww green sounds like special memories. Like you we had a great funeral director. She looked after Erin like she was her own child and we still meet now for coffee. Glad ds has it sorted. Hope you managed to get back to sleep. I'm up feeding Holly again Do you know I'm so blooming grateful she's here not once have I felt cross/tired/frustrated when she's woken several times through the night. I remember despairing at the lack of sleep with Katie but it's so different this time.

How are you today Elly?

Miasmummy you did your darling girl so proud yesterday. What brilliant parents you and dh are. I must admit both dp and I both shed a tear for Mia and for your loss last night when we lit a candle for her.

When is your scan Fan? Is it in the gynae clinic at QA? I saw on the little hugs for little people thread you are making another blanket. Knotty and I are going to speak about donating some to QA and Soton General nicu's. We're going to meet for a coffee soon and discuss - be lovely if you joined us but understand if seeing Holly might be too raw for you xx

Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday xx

Well after a bit more spotting last evening, nothing more overnight. I'm so hoping its just one of those things that sometimes happen rather than anything more serious - fx.

Am going to have a day of complete rest today - as much lying down with feet up as poss and hope that there's no more. We are just so desperate to be proper parents (as I'm sure you can all identify with), it would be so hard if this doesn't work out. God, it never gets easier does it.

mias, it sounds like Mia's birthday was a beautiful day x
green that's a lovely idea about ds choosing something from Merryns cupboard for his homework. It is crazy what turns into happy memories - I guess we just learn to be grateful for those positive moments, no matter how strange it would appear to an 'outsider' , in such an ocean of raw despair and grief.

Im glad things have eased off ELLY. A rest day sounds like an excellent idea...

Thanks for keeping me company last night WTW! It would be fine for you to get tired etc you know, but I completely understand what you mean.

We have a birthday party to go to today, and Js reading lesson. Busy busy. So I'll check in later. X

elly great news that there was no spotting overnight. A day of complete rest is a good idea (very apt for a Sunday, too ) and I hope you are somehow able to relax a teensy bit. Is your DH at home with you today?

to wtw and green. It is indeed crazy that we can have 'happy' memories of funeral directors taking good care of our little ones... Our funeral directors weren't great, tbh, but we managed to shrug off the issues and just got on with things.

Visited some friends yesterday and found it so hard - extra hard as their second baby is due in a couple of months - but more so, as I just felt so misunderstood. And they're such good friends! I really, really don't want to be told 'just take it one day at a time' or 'it's perfectly normal to feel like that' by someone who's not been there, but they are doing the very best they can, they are not even trying to minimise our loss, and yet I'm STILL irritated. The painful sensitivity of bereaved parents... no one else can do anything right, really, can they?

wtw I would love to meet you and Holly, have already met knotty. I was thinking about little blankets to go in the memory boxes they give out at QA. What do you think?

wtw my scan is on floor C. So think its the x-ray and scanning area. But what ever happens I'm hoping my new doc will send me to a consultant. I didn't get anywhere with Dr salloums secretery.

elly I have everything crossed for you, I know how difficult and mixed up with emotions it must be for you. Glad you are resting.

Fan, just a thought, do you know ( we only found out while we fought to get Merryn and I seen in London) that newish nhs rules mean you can ask your doctor to refer you to any consultant you want? It is up to you who provides your treatment. I guess if they don't think you should see someone that's a different battle, but you can ask to be referred to whoever you like, there are leaflets about this new set up in gps surgeries. Sorry if this complicates it further for you, I just don't want them to palm you off. You deserve far better!

Think I'm going to join the 'secret' FB group too if that's alright with you lot. Ill save the photos of Merryn for there, it sounds like a better idea.

green didn't know that , thank you I will ask then.
And yes please join, you can pm me if you like with your real name and discription of your profile pic and I shall find you and make you a friend and then add you to the group.

Yeah DH is with me today and will be looking after me. Have snuggled up on sofa with emmerdale & corrie omnibus' to keep my mind occupied and to distract me from constant trips to the loo to check for more spotting. We haven't had any tv since we moved until yesterday so got loads to catch up on!!

Do you know of a consultant fan? Is your scan this week? Hope you're ok lovely.

Thanks all for the handholding - I so appreciate your thoughts xxx

Its a week monday.

Ahh corrie and emmerdale they are saviours at times like this!

More spotting despite resting all morning, not looking good :(

Can't see anyone until tomorrow so got choc & tv and just hoping so much that it's not all over yet.

elly I know I can't say anything you don't already know off by heart, but I will say it anyway - you have no idea what sort of spotting it is... just keep going my lovely, five minutes at a time - we are all here with you and willing that little bean of yours to stick and grow beautifully. xx

elly its not over till you know, but its horrible not knowing. I am hoping so much that it isnt over for you. Are you cramping at all?

Really thinking about you Elly. I know it is horrible and scary. I wish there was something I could do. So glad DH is there with you. It must seem so bleak, but heavy spotting happens in so many pregnancys and isn't always the worst. Virtual hand holding and passing the chocolate.

I know others are having a far worse time than me, but we have the appointment tomorrow with my consultant to talk about why I went into labour so early. DH has the next three days off so I will have plenty of RL support, though I haven't actually told anyone else thats were we are going.

Was awake all night as well, should have logged in here! Insomnia sucks.

The man who led Dexter's funeral was the same humanist celebrant who married us. He was so kind and compassionate, it just meant the world to us. His wife is a local artist who runs a coffee shop nearby so we see him quite often. They are both lovely people.

If I could send cake to everyone through the internet I would.

Oh elly, I have everything crossed for you, I'm offering my hand to you. X

Mecha- we also had the same humanist who conducted Z's service marry us. She is now a firm friend, a truly amazing lady.

Fan- great news that you got your scan date through so quickly.

I'm out this month, started spotting already.

Oh Elly I'm sorry this must be so stressful for you. I have everything crossed that's its innocent spotting and that there's a super sticky bean in there xxxx

(((Blizy))) sorry you're out this month - why can't life just be easy ey? xxx