Rainbow babies- for all of us holding, pregnant with and trying for our rainbows. While remembering all our darling angels

[Moominsarescary]

Hoping the thread brings us luck and that soon we will all be holding our rainbows xx

Little here to hold your hand if you need it. Thinking about you and Daisy.

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts yesterday. They did make me cry again, but in a good way! I just had such a weak and sad night and morning. I know I shouldn't be surprised by this. Like Green said, we don't have a virus! That was a really good way of looking at it. It is hard when even the best intentioned friends think that because I don't cry in public so much anymore I am better now. Dexter is not someone I can ever get over. I will ALWAYS miss him.

Thank you for the birthday wishes for DH as well! I think we had a good day. We were kind to each other. He said he didn't want a birthday cake, so I made his favourite stew with dumplings and put a candle on top. It seemed like a good idea at the time, then I changed my mind between the kitchen and DH and came round the corner carrying it and looking really sheepish so we had a good laugh about that. I think that was just what we both needed!

Mias Oh poor you, and your poor DH That is just awful, I don't know how to even begin to cope with losing your beautiful Mia on your DH's birthday. I have been looking at the Mia's Wood updates on FB, you are inspirational. What a wonderful project to channel your love and grief into. SO pleased to hear you will have things in place for her birthday. Will be thinking about you all extra hard on Saturday.

Fan from cycle day 2-5 or so, I feel like someone has punched me in the crotch, is that similar at all? Another one hoping your appointment comes through soon. It is so frustrating waiting for these things.

Klein I hope Mr Klein had as peaceful a birthday as possible.

Blizy Baking sounds great! DH has taken up baking cookies for some reason I do not understand but am certainly not going to complain about!

I am on CD27, starting to have that dull achey feeling and my skin is awful. So not long til our first cycle ttc! I am nervous and excited and sad. Torn between feeling like I am honoring Dexter and feeling like I am betraying him Trying not to get hopes up too high to. Does anyone else use temperature charting? I have been finding this brilliant with just understanding what is going on with my body this time round.

Thinking about all of us this sad, wet Thursday. Sending us peaceful wishes xx

Hi little... I hope you might be feeling a little better today. Did you get some sleep? It's just incredibly difficult, isn't it. Lots of love to you.

mias Very glad to hear about Mia's wood - and wonderful baby scan. You and DH must be having SUCH a hard week, I am very glad that there was good news in it too. Truly a rainbow baby, bringing happiness and love in the middle of such a storm.

mecha the images of you sheepishly carrying the stew with a candle made me laugh too! Well done for celebrating a little. My DH didn't want to, so we just had a takeaway and watched the West Wing (thank God for boxsets of high-quality TV. We are re-watching the entire thing).
Excited for you that you will v soon be ttc'ing! I have been charting my temp as well, yes. More in the hopes of finding out if I DO have a cycle at the moment, though. Agree that it can be really useful.

blizy mmmmm scones... Scones were one of the things I could eat without chucking up in the second part of my pregnancy (I couldn't really eat anything for the first 20 weeks! I survived on ice lollies and lots of medication. Lost loads of weight and was bedbound for a while, but still somehow grew a perfect baby). I have very fond memories of scones hope they were yummy!

fan actually I do know what you mean! Not sure if I will still have it, but I definitely used to get that 'right, last cycle's over, anything could happen in this one' feeling and be more energetic etc. So at least one person here understands you

Tough few days here. This has definitely been my first experience of 'one step forward [our holiday], sixty-seven steps back [everything since our holiday]'. Today I will start putting myself back together again. Though I am no longer quite sure which bits of me go where

Aaaah miasmum so pleased the scan went well - like Blizy your description bought a tear to my eye. How wonderful. I have a scan pic of Holly's profile and she really does look like that. Have you started thinking names yet? So pleased all will be ready for Mias birthday on Saturday. I had a really vivid dream the other night that I visited Mias Wood with Katie and Holly and we planted an acer tree for Mia xx

Mech I love your birthday stew pics on Facebook What a brilliantly inadvertent way to make you both laugh!

How was your dh birthday Kleine?

Sorry you're feeling rotten Little

I must start baking again Blizy K loves it!

Tried to book my 6 week postnatal check for Holly and I today thought 2 wks notice would be enough but no appointments for a month! What a joke. Need to get some contraception sorted out - although having gone from saying never ever ever again whilst I was pregnant I'm already feeling pangs of 'I don't want this to be my last baby'.....

Oh don't let my baking impress you, I have seen thicker pancakes than my scones and I burnt the bloody cookies!

Mecha, no words of wisdom just offering my hand to hold. X

Bugger, got to go mil just arrived.

Hello everyone. Thanks for your support and hand holding. Sorry to be such a misery! I did get some sleep , thanks Kleine. Mecha think my pmt was bad yesterday too (and all week really) - forgot all about my mood swings!

This morning did not start out so good as I found out one of my work colleagues' wife is 12 weeks pregnant. However, he was kind enough to get our boss to tell me separately - he hasn't told anyone else yet and will be telling them a week on Monday when he brings the scan pictures in after his holiday. Luckily I have that day booked off as I am at a friends wedding the day before. I'm really pleased for them but can't help feeling gutted all over again and questioning why I have had to deal with mcs.

AF started this morning and have had backache/stomach pain all day but am feeling more positive about things tonight. Will just have to enjoy ttc again (Schucks! ) and be more patient (not very good at that!!). Just hope DH will not be too knackered from his gardening!!

Mias - lovely news about the scan and Mias Wood.

Fan - I'll let you know if I suddenly start whizzing round like a whirling dervish on Sat (day 3 of AF). I hope so, cos I only have enough energy to drag my sorry ass up to bed with a hot water bottle at the moment.

blizy - your description of your scones made me laugh .

Evening ladies, I keep writing posts and then somehow wiping them and Its really winding me up, so I've decided to post all the things I want to say to you lovely ladies in two halves this time so:

Spotty: Thinking of you on Berties due date tomorrow

Green: Thinking of you. Five long months yesterday since you lost Merryn. I hope the boys are keeping you going.....including all that wand making : )

Mech: Same for you too...Four long months since you lost Dexter and also your DH's birthday. I know its your appointment approaching too and hope you get some answers why your beautiful boy was born too soon. Birthdays can be so hard can't they. I understand this more than most. My DH was 40 on the 11/7/12. It was going to be a great week for us.....my planned section was 9/7/12 so his birthday present was another beautiful child we were all so excited. He did get his beautiful son but didnt get to keep him..........an unforgettable birthday which left our world in tatters after we lost Adam 5 days before : ( We got up and went to my mum and dads house (about 4 miles away). My DF was waiting for us when we arrived he couldnt wait to tell us about the single baby blue balloon that had blew into their garden about half an hour before we arrived. It wrapped itself around a rose bush but didnt burst and was blowing in the wind, just beside it was a single white feather........

Fan: Never feel like your whinging about your AF. Apart from the physical pain your clearly suffering from its also a constant reminder of pregnancy....the pregnancies you had and the pregnancy you want so much and also the bloody unfairness of it all. I hope the scan is a step in the right direction for you and brings you one step closer to getting your rainbow.

Blizy: So sorry you have been ttc for 16 months now....how sad that we both suffered from a defective placenta maturation. The consultant said that it was 'normally found' in women who have larger babies and those with gestational diabeties. Adam wasn't heavy at 8lb 110z but his measurements were large on the charts.....hope I havent said anything to worry you we all have enough on our plates dont we. xxx

Little: Well done to Sammy for last weekend...hope boomer gets a clear round soon. So sorry your AF got you and thinking of you and daisy x

Kliene: Thinking of you both and hope Dh's birthday went as well as it could. Hope your cycle sorts itself out soon it feels like forever doesnt it xxxxx

WTW: Adam was child number 3 for us. I'm always broody i dont think it will ever go until I'm past it lol

Miasmummy: Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter as her birthday approaches. Mias wood sounds amazing she would have been so proud of you : ) x

Been a heavy week for us with the consultant and our 1st counselling session yesterday.

Love to all

Nite Nite

Morning everyone. It is a tough week in the KleinePoppet household... Poor DH managed to phone his folks last night, but was subjected to the most extraordinary rant from his mother. I didn't hear what she was saying but when he told me afterwards, I was genuinely amazed he hadn't thrown the phone across the room. He was so sad...
And just for good measure I have started bleeding, again. Not AF. I am trying hard to look on the bright side of this, hopefully it's another step towards my body righting itself, and it's only a month now till the consultant wants to see me.
Thinking of you all especially mias, and spotty on Bertie's due date (I hope the walk goes well tomorrow) x Sorry not to namecheck further. I am a generally positive person but feeling like I'm being rather battered right now!

babyh just read your message. How amazing and poignant about the blue balloon and feather on your DH's 40th.
Tough week for you too... Lots of love x

Really should read messages before posting! Now am feeling jealous of those of you on Facebook who got to see the photos of mecha's birthday stew... and all the other photos too. Maybe will rejoin FB at some stage. Also would be nice to share pics of my beautiful little girl one day, so that you can all coo over her

Do join fb kleine even if you use a slightly different name so your RL friends and family can't find you Sorry your mil is being horrid - what did she say? My mil has come out with some crackers since Erin. Like they're from a different planet Hugs to you xx

Little how amazing about the balloon and feather. Adam is watching out for you xx

Holly slept for 4 hours straight last night - woo hoo

Go Holly go! Hope she repeats it tonight!

Oh, my MIL - she was telling DH how E's death was hardest for her, and also she may herself die at any moment so basically he really ought to phone more - she doesn't want to reply to texts or emails, too hard for her. And then she went and had hysterics in the background
I just fail to understand why people insist on making this even harder for us. Why do the attention-seeking routine now? Surely all normal people can grasp that, at this time, we have to put our own needs first. DH is just longing to get some support from his family. It's devastating to watch.

Will consider FB soon. Had already decided that, if I rejoin, it'll be in a disguised way so that others can't find me!

Kleine: It is so very hard to stay positive. With no Af its incredibly hard. My DH said to me a couple of weeks ago. How can we get a foot on the ladder and have hope for the future without it. Also dont want people to think we are forgetting about our beautiful son who is of course like E irreplaceable. I totally understand about insensitive relatives as well......they come out with the most stupid things. My SIL had a terrible time giving birth 6 wks before we lost Adam (it was truly awful and I feel genuinely sorry for her) and my step MIL talks about the terrible time she had..... but all I can think about is at least she has a live baby!!! For the rest of my life I will see him at family occasions and see the milestones we were robbed of!!

Don't change who you are Kliene....I am always a bright side of life type of person but this type of hell would test anyone. I'm so laid back I would fall over and have been left with the thoughts that someone looked down and decided to punish us for the rose tinted spectacles attitude of 'It will be okay' IYCWIM?

We were in your AF situation until last wk don't forget so Im sure your body with get back to normal. Don't forget you could still conceive even if your body is up the wall so don't give up chick. Sending you big hugs xxxxxxxxx

WTW: Glad Holly got some sleep and theres no Tennis to distract you from getting some shut eye ha ha. I was watching it myself but gave up at about 12.45am. The balloon and feather thing was strange wasnt it, even stranger I didnt mention that I had told my DD the night before we would send some balloons up to heaven because funerals at the cemetery weren't for little girls. My dad said to us 'of all the gardens in all the world.....funny it landed in theirs'. Do you believe in the signs?

Off to decorate and keep my little brain busy.

Would love to see some of your FB photos too but have been to polite to ask!!

Hope everyone else ok this windy Friday xxxxxxx

PS: Any news TAYTO thinking of you. Also not forgetting Spotty today your due date is always sad when you never quite reached it xxxx

Hi everyone, sorry I ran away for a couple of days. Just having a crappy patch. Pmt combined with bfn combined with dp working in London this week and various other bits. Could really do with a duvet day! And a very large cake.
I've just had a run of really difficult phone calls re a shop I used to be involved in (selling baby stuff, natural parenting products, slings and toys, so went out window when we lost Merryn). Basically a company is chasing an invoice from last dec for a lot of money, and I know we paid, but everything is so jumbled from then I'm not sure I can prove it. Hell. Anyway, what does it matter?

KLEINE, I'm sorry you and DH are having such a difficult time. I think coming back from holiday means facing reality all over again doesn't it? Your Inlaws sound very hard work and unhelpful. I don't understand why they can't see how much your DH needs them, it's not right. Seeding you much love and virtual hugs.
On another note, I'd love to coo over your little girl, it would be very special!

WTW, Holly is a star! Four hours is great, let's hope she repeats it!

BABYh, it has been a heavy week hasn't it? I hope the counselling helped for you.

MECH, I'm loving your birthday stew!
I know what you mean about mixed feelings on starting ttc. I feel a bit of me, if I do get a bfp could feel that it's back to being pregnant, as I should be iykwim, and I worry about how to carry Merryns place in our lives on through that. I'm hugely confused by it, but I guess we'd find a way, and the rest of the time we'd get through. I have got to the stage where I would be fine having another boy, and feel less desperate that any new baby would be a girl. I am content with Merryn getting to be the girl in this family, but it hurts like hell that she's not here. Have you been sleeping any better?

BLIZY, laughing at your flat scones! I was all impressed too.......!

MIA'SMUMMY, I'm really pleased that Mia's wood is going to happen, you have carried the ideas and hope for this for so long, it is such an amazing thing to do. Is it an existing wood, or does it need freshly planted? I'd love to here more about it. Will be thinking about you and Mia on her birthday, your plans are perfect.
On another note, thanks for what you said to me re dealing with friends. it helped. I wish I didn't have to tutor people through how to handle this, but it appears I do. I just want people to 'get' that she is always part of our family now, not something to be 'got over'.

I know I've missed most of you, but my heads in a strange place today, so I wouldn't do you justice right now!

DS1 is having special homework right now to help with his severe dyspraxia and dyslexia. Last night we were meant to put together a photo timeline of important events in his life. What the hell am I meant to do about Merryn in that? We have photos of her, but I don't even have them up at home yet. I ended up only getting up to when he was four, as past that was his brother and then I would have to think about how to fit in Merryn. This is special work set just for Jacob, he's in a very small school (only 28 kids) so they all know about Merryn. I wish they had though about this a bit before asking for it. I had to write a note to the teacher explaining we would do photos from 4-10 over the weekend and I would have to think about how to fit his sister in. It was very hard.

Does anyone know if it is possible to remove photos from our profiles? I'd like to post a photo of Merryn so those of you who'd like to could see her, but I wouldn't want to leave it there for very long. I've been thinking about this for ages, and I feel it'd be nice to share her with you.

I'm still here... lurking and reading every day, just can't find the time to post sometimes!

I'm having my fingers crossed for all you lovely ladies trying to conceive!

little thinking especially of you, as I know Daisy's due date will be approaching soon and I know it won't be easy.
Well it won't be easy for everyone with anniversaries and special dates...

Will be 31 weeks on Sunday, seeing the midwife on Monday, convinced DH to come with me, as she will probably want to discuss a few important things. :)

Morning Green cant help with the photos but would love to share mine in the same way so will watch any instructions closely!

Have you thought about asking Jacob to draw a photograph of his sister in heaven and including that instead of a real photograph IYSWIM?

Its only natural that you would dearly love a daughter. I'm ashamed to say I secretly hope for a girl when I was pregnant with Adam.(already have one of each so it wasnt because I already had 2 boys) Now I think if I was blessed I bet I wouldnt be lucky enough to get another boy......our minds play havoc with us dont they........who cares as long as it lives and I get one......I bet non of us on here are fussy anymore!!!

Back later Im slacking on the decorating again xxxxxxxx

Waves to BLUE sorry our posts x. 31 weeks wow so pleased for you. Wishing these final few weeks fly for you. Have you got a EDD? xxxxxxx

babyh yes 18th November! My youngest brother's birthday... he's really hoping baby will arrive then

babyh and green thank you both so much xxx

hi blue 31 weeks!!

green I definitely do not have the monopoly on having a crappy week, do I. Urgh, poor you. Loads of love to you xxx
What does DS1 think about how to include Merryn into his photo timeline? Do you have a picture of him with her? I don't know how much time your boys were able to spend with their sister You are SUCH a great mum.
I have been reluctant to post a picture of E on here, so I do understand why you'd want to take a photo down quickly - but sadly I don't know how that works. However, I have an offer for you - I'll join Facebook if you will?!?! I recall that there's a secret FB group, so no one else can read it. That way, we could both add lots of photos of our little ones, and share them with this group permanently.
I know that you've said you can't join it due to relatives being on there... but if you used a different name, and a separate email address, no one could find you, and you could just be 'friends' with people on here if you wanted. I used to be on it, so can give you info on how to set things up
Just an idea and feel very free to say no. I would love to see a pic of your beautiful girl, however and whenever.

Hi BaBYH, cross posted. Know what you mean about the are we being punished feeling. I am not the type to take what I've got for granted, and I know we have a lovely life, but I do wonder if it was 'too' lovely, and we were too happy. Losing Merryn has changed everything. The uncertainty and pain that goes with living has been brought into focus again. There were a lot of deaths in my family as I grew up, (a gran i doted on, my brother and my dad), and I guess I thought my kids wouldn't have to go through that, that their life would be easier. I didn't know why I thought I could control things. I look at other parents who live in that illusion, and envy them their peace. I don't think I'll ever relax again! But maybe in some way living with the knowledge of how fragile it is makes it more precious? Its like we can see more of the spectrum than is visible to most people.

Lots of Xposts.

Re - wanting a baby to be a particular sex... yes, DH and I just want to be parents to a live, wriggling baby. Either sex. We just long to fall pregnant again and have our second child. I would adore a child of any sex, that goes without saying, and I will know how incredibly lucky I am, every day.

BUT (and here's a sentence I have only uttered to DH, and will NEVER say to any of my RL friends), if I could choose, I would love, love, love a girl. Another daughter. And if we are lucky enough to conceive again, after our first miracle, and our second child is a boy, I will still carry a particular sadness at losing the mother-daughter thing.
I think my RL friends would assume I'd be hoping to replace E, by confessing that I hope for a girl. Just being honest, though. I lost a girl: I would like another one.

Now cross posted with everyone! KLEINE, FB scares me, if I'm honest, but if you tell me how to do it privately I might do that!
My boys only saw Merryn twice. The PICU at GOSH was no place for them. She was very very ill and had in over a dozen lines, and four lung and bladder drains so it was very very difficult. They needed to work on her alot, often very urgently. She was heavily sedated throughout, only my DH ever saw her awake ( on the night she was born and transferred). They (and I) didn't see her with her eyes open. They went in twice to sing good night songs to her. The staff were in tears. I could not be there as I would have been in pieces. They were not allowed to touch her. The only pictures my DS has drawn of her are of his nightmares, where she is in the crematorium. Ill think of something, perhaps her wrist band? Or a photo of her teddy? I hate this.

Catch up again later, I have to catch the bus!

Green this might not help in time for this project but there's a lady in Australia that writes names in the sand for people who have lost children. We have Erin's name done and printed on canvas hanging in our living room. It helped us to acknowledge her as part of the family before we felt able to put up a picture of her (we now have to pic of Katie holding her that's on my profile up in the living room too). Website is here if you are interested. Otherwise do you have a scan photo you could use, or a picture of you and ds when you were pregnant with Merryn. Or could he write her name using wooden blocks or something and photograph it? It's very hard. K started school 2 weeks after Erin died and their first half term was all about 'My Family' poor kid stood up in front of her new class and said she had a baby sister who was an angel and lived in heaven. Broke my heart.

As for gender preferences - utterly normal if this thread is anything to go by. I admitted on here (never in RL) just before my 20wk scan how desperate I was for another girl. Never to replace Erin but more that I saw myself as a mother of girls and because Katie so desperately wanted an earth sister.

As for fb you can create a profile using your mn nickname - no need to even use your real name. We can then add you to the secret group. I'd love to see pictures of your little ones I've none of Erin on my main fb but there are some on my profile here. Lots of K and H on fb too! babyh is you're already on fb you can pm your name and I will find you and add you. You can add pics to your mn profile then take them down or you can even add them and make them private except for friends and then add the usernames of people you want to be able see them.

WTW: I finally worked out how to look at some of your photographs. Your girls are beautiful xxxxxxxxx

Dont go on fb much but will definately go on to add you lovely ladies.

I like the idea of a secret group where we can add photos of our babies. Would also love to see Erins stone. Really want ours on in time for Christmas xxx

Green: So sorry your lovely boy has nightmares. Did he see Merryn in the crem? My DD never met our Adam but she has his photograph in her bedroom and hugs it each night before she goes to sleep. I intend to take them both to his grave in the future but want to wait until the stone is on. So sorry you never got to see her open her eyes............sorry for everything you have been through......I hope she heard her daddy singing to her when she was in GOSH xxxxxxxxxx

Kliene......so understand the girl thing.....thats why I wanted another one....Theres the old tale that the boys bugger off when they get a wife!! (Sorry Green no offense meant to your beautiful sons or to my own for that matter) Wish I had lived to see our Adam bugger off happily married!!!
.........still would love another boy one day xxxxxxxxxxxxx