pebs, I'm thinking of you. I don't know if this helps, but I feel totally the same. I don't trust my body to tell me what is going on, I actually feel like I was a complete idiot with my mmc. I went to nearly 18 weeks, without knowing my baby had died at 13-14 weeks. Since then, I just cannot switch my mind into 'no news is good news', even now at 27 weeks. I think all the rubbish in this pregnancy (dodgy nuchal screen, measuring small etc), has compounded it, particularly given than that they hit at milestones, (13 weeks and 24 weeks). I have started seeing a counsellor, and she didn't dismiss the paranoia. She said it was a normal reaction to what has happened over the last year. I guess what I am trying to say to you, is you have been through a lot, and your uncertainty is normal. When I am feeling most sane, I tell myself that although it's not surprising my history is making me scared, it does not mean that it is going to repeat itself, that this is new chance, and it is still ok so far. And sometimes I manage it best by head in the sand tactics, just clocking off the weeks. I look at the blister pack that my pregnacare vitamins come in when I finish them, and think two more weeks down... This far in, the kicks help, and viability helps, but I keep imagining things will go wrong at birth.
Good luck today, I you are in my thoughts. I hope this first step is a good one xxx
For me, this is a horrible week. On the 8/8 last year the mmc was found and on 11/8 our DS was born. I keep thinking about what would have been. He would be 7 months old now. I still miss him very much.