TTC 10 plus months, Part 7

[lisacn]

A friendly, supportive thread for those of us who are taking a bloody long little longer time than average to conceive.

buzzy sorry you are feeling so down :( Has AF arrived in full force now? If so, I can say nothing other than to point you towards the . Hugs to you. It'll feel better in the morning

Lots of people needing love and hugs just now. I'm feeling positive today, probably because I feel like I've done something tangible towards getting that elusive BFP. So I'll share some around. We'll all get there ladies. Promise :)

nelly glad you are feeling so positive, yes AF is now here, just reminds me that i'm not having a baby tomorrow nor am I pregnant, feel like such a failure that I couldn't keep both my babies alive

Hi Sarlart thanks for the warm welcome. Everyone is so lovely here! Wow! Lorazapan sounds amazing!

Slightly not conception related but I am having three wisdom teeth out on 28 May. I hope I get some of that. I do know that they are sedating me but having never been sedated before I don't have a clue what to expect.

Period due around the same time so could be having HSG in the same week! Oh I will be loads of fun. My poor DH!

buzzy I'm not sure anything I can say can be comforting to you, as words are rather ineffective in moments like these. But I will say you are NOT a failure, it wasn't your fault. . Allow yourself the feelings of loss and sadness, they're understandable, but please don't think that you did something wrong :(

More hugs and more for you. xxxxxx

Hi ya buzzy. Sweetie hang in there. I think everyone here has their ups and downs. I am currently signed off with depression and have those feelings too. But it is important to remind myself that I won't feel this way forever. Feel better soon.

Welcomes to MrsT and Rach.
wine I hope you are feeling better. Might not have been quite as expected but it is ticked off the list.
sarlat well done! Here's to the next step.
Oh buzzy being female is just poo sometimes . I second the and send hugs too.
Thing about timezones is I'm never logged in when you all are. So I catch up while you are all sleeping and laugh (and maybe cry ) at what's been posted. Sometimes I just lurk and follow.

Meant to ask if anyone had seen this www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/12/miscarriage-saying-goodbye-services Just wondered if it was something that might help those who have MC.

Buzzy

So sorry that we can't take the pain away. Please don't blame yourself. I know you know that deep down it wasn't anything you did but our emotions cause us to feel this way.

Please write it all down, every sad thought, every angry word and scared feeling. Then keep it, burn, whatever. Don't carry it around.

After today (your due day) you wil feel a little better I promise. Like others have said - glass of the good stuff is required tonight.

Hold on. Sending big hugs. xx

PS Buzzy don't know when we will find out about ET. Praying some eggs have fertilised and will find out if any have today.

Oh Buzzy sorry to hear it's another rubbish day. ERTD and a horrible date to boot. I know exactly how you feel. 1 MC is bad enough and to have 2 or more is just the worst feeling. Be gentle and kind to yourself, take the day off (migraine?) and just weather the storm. You are not to blame. It wasn't your fault. There are no concrete answers to this, it's just 'one of those things' and the why? is the worst part because there is never proper closure. That's how I feel anyway. You might be interested to hear about our peace lily. We bought the plant when I went through my 2nd MC last year and it recently shot up a new flower. I would have been going through my 2nd MC at the time the flower popped out. I'm not superstitious and realise that the flower is probably on an annual cycle, but it's just like a little bit of hoped unfurled the other day and reminded me how far we've come on our TTC journey. We also bought the plant as the first thing that we would put in our new house and our determination to move on with everything. This time last year we were going through a stupidly tough time: OH was unemployed, I was struggling in a stressful job to support both of us, we were living in a flat owned by my parents, we were going through our 2nd MC, our bathroom was unusable because of a leak and paint was peeling off the ceiling above us because of another, different leak. The latter were small things that made our sad time worse because we had really unattractive builders here when I needed to be alone to cry and morn. Also, they did the worst smelling poop in the other bathroom, which I needed to use frequently for pad changes. This year we are making our new home in the place we could only dream about moving to, we are both making better money and OH has a job (albeit a self-employed, part time job), we have found out that bad hormones are probably the cause of the MCs and lack of baby, the shower room and bedroom leak got fixed and we redecorated before putting the flat on the market in Autumn. It looks like we have a buyer and will be outta town before long. Things move on and things get better. Always. So, as I said, weather the storm today and in the words of the great D:REAM ("Things can only better" Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sarlat great news on the egg collection. Fingers crossed for strong embies.

Teu thanks for the link, I'll have a look at that later.

Waves to everyone else. Hope it's a good day all round and then tomorrow it's the weekend. Yippee

Teu Thank you so much for posting that article. I've just had a small cry because she described exactly what it feels like to go through. It sort of brought it all back. My MCs were both early (6 and 7 wks) - I passed out a few times with grief or just fell to the floor in sobs on several occasions in the weeks after (sounds like I was just being a drama queen but it really was just my body taking over). It really is a 'primal' pain. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go to one of the services, I don't think I could handle mass grief but I think it's a wonderful idea and I'm sure will be just the thing for lots of people who have suffered. Thanks again. It's so nice not to feel alone in this anymore.

Hi all. It is so nice and inspiring to read everyone's posts of support.

I have really been having a tough time of late and reading about everyone elses experiences has helped me to realise that I am not the only one feeling like this and that there are treatments and advice to help me. Thank you so very much I am finding this thread so helpful.

Quick update.

Embryologist rang. 9 out of 10 eggs have fertilised.
I am very grateful and we are saying lots of prayers for the little embies.
ET will be Sunday morning or Tuesday.

I'm sorry that so many of you are having tough times . As princess says, it's hard to believe sometimes, but things won't always feel this way. We've just got to get through. One day at a time. Hugs to you all

sar that is great news! It's be amazing if you end up with frosties as well. Grr to the doctor who scared you. If you have the option, will you go for 2 embies? Or does that still feel too far away?

Mr Nelly and I had another heart to heart last night, well as much as you can as you are both falling asleep! I asked him if he thought about it never happening for us. He said sometimes, but he thinks we need to focus on the positive outlook. I'm not sure I agree or not; I don't think I can go into IVF assuming it'll work?

Anyway I better do some work now, hope everyone else is ok? It's nearly the weekend

Sarlat great, great news! 9/10 is immense! Good luck for the ET.

Nelly my Dad's famous saying is, "plan for the worst, hope for the best" I have held this with me through all tough times. I have an action plan in place for all big life stuff so that I am prepared (exams, weddings, break ups, moving house, changing jobs, making babies). Usually, things work out in the end. You kinda have to apply this in a micro rather than macro way. So that it applies to little bits of life at a time. For you this would mean: having your new plan in place for the science bit (seeing clinics and talking to people and getting wheels in motion) and then hoping that you won't need to go through with science because something will happen naturally in the interim. And then if the first science lesson doesn't go well and you needed a double, you reassess, plan and prepare again. I don't know how I would have got through this without his words in my head. Oh and a lovely OH. Mr Nelly sounds v.lovely and I like his positive outlook. Good Mr Nelly. Oh and when it all goes tits up and he gets no-where trying to reassure me, Dad just goes, "Ah, well life is shit isn't it" (which he doesn't really mean it's just his way of putting a lid on things as there really isn't an answer to that one other than, actually no I think it's pretty ok apart from this one thing and then he'll say, "like I said, life is shit") Ignore if does not make sense.

We have more viewings, 2 to be precise in the next hour. First one turning up in 5 .So I'm off again fixed I-love-this-flat-it's-the-best-flat-in-the-world smile turned on :)

sarlat I am glad it all went well. Those drugs sound like good stuff! 9/10 is a great fertilisation rate. Hopefully you will end up with frosties in the bank.

Nelly I spent the first year and a half of ttc thinking it would happen sometime. It is only in the past month or so, after our first IUI failure, that I have started to think seriously about how I will feel if it doesn't happen for us. Sometimes I think it wouldn't be too bad, but I do feel that my life would be rather empty that way.

Princess good luck with the viewings.

Buzzy I'm sorry this is a tough day for you. Do take the time to think and mourn and let yourself process all this. x

Sarlat That is immense! I am so pleased to here your news. I really hope that this will be the beginning of a nee story for you.

Princess Your Dad sounds brilliant!

I have just spent some time doing a relaxation audio exercise and plan to try to do one every day. Maybe my ovaries will get the message a chill out too!

Amazing news sarlet

Just wanted to say have a good weekend one and all. I am reading but not v good at remembering right now this will all be worth it for us all, one day. Or I want a refund!

Hello all, just a quick post to say - sarlat that is utterly amazing - 9 embies! I am beyond thrilled for you - hooray, hooray, hooray!

buzzy a big, big hug to you. So sorry you're feeling so sad, and as others have said, take time to feel sad and don't feel in any way that it was your fault - it really wasn't. I'm so sorry that you've had these losses.

wine I really hope you're feeling a little better, that you are comfortable, and are well-stocked up on painkillers. I'm thinking of you.

euro and nelly Sorry you are feeling down. I know you've been in this completely shitty TTC state for ages, and it is bloody exhausting staying positive about the outcome, but it isn't over until the fat egg sings.

princess I loved hearing about your peace lily, what a beautiful thing to do.

Waves to everyone I've missed, and and much gentle tail feather fluffing, backcombing and zhuzhing to those of you whose tail feathers have drooped. Thank you ladies, for being such an amazing support, as mrstolis says. This thread is so wonderful.

On phone so going to struggle at looking back.

Wine - sorry you have had such a shitty time. I hope you mend quickly and can move forward from this horrible experience.

Princess - I misread your post and thought you said you were funding research into fertility. Damn that you need win the lotto before doing that! I keep daydreaming about winning lots of cash and setting up the best fertility place in the country! Your dad also sounds like a very wise man as do you. Having plans for certain eventualities is always a good thing although the kids thing really has knocked me for six and I dread the thought of not having them.

Buzzy - so sorry about how crap you have been feeling. I hope it passes. Before m/c, If a friend was ever to say they felt guilty and a failure over having their m/c, I would tell them that it was not their fault of course. But I totally undrstand the feeling now and It annoys me that we have to deal with those extra emotions on top of the sadness. Mind you I generally feel like a failure all the time now that I haven't been able to conceive again. Anyway, I hope you have a restful weekend.

Sarlat - wow and wow. You clever one! I must say all those things putting you to sleep totally freaks me out, waking up whilst they were in the middle of it? Eeek that's the stuff of nightmares in my mind! I am incredibly nervous about anaesthetics and being put to sleep as the one local anaesthetic I had when I was 14 had a very bad reaction with me. I hope I have grown up since then. Anyway, brill news that you have 9 fertilised ones. I am so pleased for you and may the force be with them and that they carry on growing.

Nelly - it sounds like you have been having lots of heart to hearts. I know what you mean about going into ivf and thinking it wont work.. Of course we all have to stay positive but I do like to prepare myself for the worst. I find men or my my man doesn't like to consider worst case scenarios "what's the point in being negative and defeatist" I get told. I am swaying from thinking this will never happen to fantasising about having twins. I just want to look into the future and I find out. If We just knew one way or the other we could plan accordingly. Anyway it sucks. Mr belly sounds lovely though.

Mrstolls- I am glad you have found us and we can give you support. These ladies have been a lifesaver for me over the last year and a bit [eek that I am still here and not budging ]

Sorry for the terrible English and grammar etc on a rocky train...well train. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend. I am off to a wedding where I am going to have grin and bear people who were in the year below me at school with their babeeees. DH and I have actually decided we are going to tell people from now on we can't have kids. We have yet to say it out loud yet but if I am pushed I think I will just say it to get people off our backs.

thank you ladies for all your support, I thought I would handle the second due date better than the first, I've had a good cry with several colleagues today and Mr B had been amazing and incredibly supportive, I'm hoping to pull myself together tomorrow

will catch up over the weekend

Well I'm determined not to be a whinge to mr wine as he is doing a sterling job of feeding/dressing/helping me shuffle. But man alive this is SHIT!!! I can't do anything and I am, on day 4 post op, bored of it. I thought having all day to read and lounge wouldn't be sooo bad but it's saturday. I want to go shopping, drink wine and see friends. I've been trying to do this on paracetamol alone to avoid constipation but caved and had the sweet release of codeine yesterday, it doesnt half hurt. Coughing is like being whacked with a red hot poker! I also wanted to do a daily short walk which I did manage yesterday but I don't think that's going to happen today. Sorry for the boring selfish post but it feels good to let it out. Will now go and smile bravely again! happy Saturday!

Wine Don't apologise this exactly why the thread was started, well it seems that way to me. I am an awful patient and I am sure I would venting much more than you. You are so brave!

I haven't had an op but have still spent the last week on the sofa feeling sorry for myself.

Hope you feel better soon!

Thanks mrs t. I guess this was to be expected but hard to anticipate pain til you're in it. I look like the living dead! I can't connect all of this with having a baby either so it's all quite bizarre. Will try harder to be a patient patient

Oh Wine I do hope there is a baby at the end of this road for you. You really deserve it and I am certain it will happen for you!