TTC 10 plus months, part 6

[mrsden]

A friendly, supportive thread for those of us who are taking a bloody long little longer time than average to conceive.

Just a quickie as off to the hospital for my fourth blood test in 6 weeks! Just wanted to say to joycep that I wouldn't go to the party either. I would say that you have got a dickie tummy or something and don't want to risk passing anything nasty to anyone. Your niece will have so much else going on at the party that she won't be upset that you aren't there. I second what kitty said about making arrangements to see her the day after or something or the following weekend with her pressie. In that way she gets to have another day to look forward to.

joycep I wouldn't go. Can you say you have a bug and don't want to spread your germs?

More bloods pout? you won't have much blood left. That's crappy af came after teasing you. I hope you are feeling ok.

It sounds like you have a good plan euro. Waiting a few months won't make any difference.

Oh wine I wish you could get some answers. Maybe if they do refer you on you will finally get somewhere. Is is possible that the fibroid has disappeared on its own?

lady I'm sorry you had a miserable weekend. My dh doesn't really talk about ttc, unless I bring it up. I think he is very upset by it all but he's good at putting it out of his mind, it helps at he gets engrossed in work.

I'm trying my best to follow dh and not think too much about it all. But it doesn't work, I am always thinking about it.

Hello to everyone I've missed. I'm at work, and trying to type this without being noticed.

Hmmm joy if it was me I'd go . I say this because I had the exact same issue with my nephews 2nd birthday recently, knowing my SiL was newly pregnant. That's when she relayed the comment her DH had made I.e. "I thought this was meant to be difficult". Trust me, I hated being there, but I'd have felt like a shit for not going. We made sure we had another party to go to later, and OH knew not to abandon me to the Coven. If course that's just me, you must do whatever is right for you and DH. I just know I'd feel guilty and it would cause tension between me and Mr Nelly.

Ah got to dash to next meeting, didn't want to just post that semi-negative comment, sorry . Will be back in an hour and will say more fun things

Greetings from abroad! I'm say on a sunny terrace drinking wine couldn't help but have a sneaky mn check. Just wanted to say, joycep I bailed on my best friends little ones bday last month. I said I was poorly. I don't remotely wish that I'd been braver. It was self preservation and me and mr wine went out for the day. These ttc times are tough enough without feeling the cold wind blow thru you. But, if it would make you feel too guilty not to, I'd put strict limits on exposure to the coven, like go a bit late, leave early?

euro do you take the clomid like you would for SO or over a longer period, sorry for sounding ignorant on the matter

joyce I go the acupunture place in Sutton, and I think a few of us are in or around that area, i'm still keen for a meet up as its great fun to put a face to the name not because I am a nosey cow if you don't want to go the party then don't, why should you make yourself unhappy, its not like your niece will hold it against you when she is older. Kitty's suggestion is good :), could you not get the immune testing on the NHS???

lemonsfingers crossed for you

wine I hope things get sorted out for you, its just frustrating and you don't need that

Waves to everyone, hope you have been able to enjoy the sunshine, its days like this that makes me glad my job has me out in the community :)

Hi everyone! Hope you are all enjoying the lovely weather, particularly wine on her lovely, foreign, terrace!

ladyg I felt so sad for you and your DH reading about your weekend. Massive hugs. I know this sounds a bit crap, but I think it is all part of the grieving process and we have to feel shite to feel better later. Keeping busy, but occasionally allowing yourself to wallow in it sounds like a good plan. Hope your week has been a bit better.

Wow, pout they must be testing you for everything! Do you get your results soon?

Whatmess at cost of SIL?s hendo! We have LOADS of weddings this year, so are going to be bankrupted by them and the hens/stags. Hope you will get champagne with gold in it, a free Gucci handbag or at least a foreign trip for that kinda cost!

Lisa Your job sounds nice that you can get out and about in the sun. Hope your scan goes well on Tuesday.

joy only go to the party if you want to I say! Don?t be guilted into it, if it?s gonna make you feel rubbish. With me, I think it?d depend on where I was in my cycle as to whether I could cope with it. In PMT week, definitely not. Sorry for the dilemmas you are having about finding an immune doctor. It is all rather overwhelming. I ended up compiling a spreadsheet to help me pick an IVF clinic (yes, I?m a nerd)!

Nelly Hope your egg awaits Mr Nelly?s return.

Frannie, I?m currently having a massive bar of Dairy Milk (not even a fancy foreign kind of chocolate!). I?m sure it must have protein in it?! Exciting that IUI is near.

Wine no feeling guilty about the booze and hope you are partaking on your holiday!

Euro I hope you?re feeling a bit better now you have come to a decision about your treatment. Would you be at Kings for the IVF? I?ve heard their success rates aren?t amazing, so if you can afford private IVF, I think it makes sense to use the free IUI and then go somewhere private with good success rates for the IVF. But that?s just my thoughts ? I?m sure Kings works v. well for lots of ladies and I know private clinics massage their success rates.

lemon Hurrah for being iui?d. Fingers crossed for you.

kitty at coven man. What a dick. No wonder his wife divorced him! We might not have kids, but at least with have nice other halves!

Waves to those I've missed.

I?m on day 1 of my cycle here, so injections start tomorrow evening, eek (thanks for the tips ladies), and my first scan is booked for Monday. I?m part excited and part terrified and don?t want to start it all! My period is being evil and the clinic said no ibuprofen or hot water bottles (or gin), so I?m on the codeine that doesn?t seem to work as well. The chocolate seems to be helping though :)

lol Gin, nothing so exciting. 2 nights in a UK city doing an activity. £300 covers hotel, meal, activity and transport. I think it's ridiculous to expect people to incur all the usual wedding costs (hotel, outfit, drinks, etc) and then have such an expensive hen do as well, but then I also think you should just have a lovely night out with your friends. Can't understand why mums, sil's, aunties, etc are invited, but hey ho my fault for not being able to say no.

No hot water bottles, Gin? Good luck with the injections.

We are at King's and are actually the other way round - we are self-funding IUI and having NHS IVF there. The last set of official results are not great, but I understand this coincided with a period of building work. They also give you results over a more recent 6 month period which are decent enough. Not quite up there with ARGC but not bad. I did consider going elsewhere for IUI, but we have very little time - my next cycle should start in a few days.

I am feeling happy about the decision though. Particularly since I spoke to them this afternoon and they have suggested going unmedicated rather than fiddle around trying to get the right drug dosage. Yippee-another month not off my head on hormones! I am really pleased about this.

lisa I didn't get into detailed discussions about Clomid because of what I mention in my last para, but as I understand it, Clomid and Letrozole are only ever taken for about 5 days at the beginning of the cycle.

joycep I am generally ok around my friend's kids, but the room full of preggos and babies might break me. Do what is right for you and your husband.

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joycep sorry for being the odd one out earlier, also I was speed-posting on the phone so not sure it came out the way I intended. I hope it didn't come across as preach-y .

Your mini-break sounds ace wine, I am very jealous! Guilt free drinking for sure. I appear to have fallen off the wagon and had a glass of last night and tonight. Oops.

I think my emotions may be broken. I have just watched the last ever episodes of ER, which I had never managed to see. If there is one programme that frequently made me cry, it is that. But I just watched them and almost had to force myself to shed a tear. Perhaps I have no hormones left? This is probably not a good sign.

Hormoned out, poor you nelly, maybe you're in a nice, stable part of your cycle.

Did you decide whether to go to the party joycep?

I'm having a sad day, for some reason it just dawned on me that I might never have my own baby. What would happen in my life if this happens? I hate this negative thinking, I must snap out of it. It's probably cycle related because I'm in the post ovulation bit where I realize it's another lost month.

Morning ladies, thank you so much for your advice. You are all fabulous! I read them all last night and it made me feel so much better. And nelly you didn?t sound preachy at all and what you say makes perfect sense. I will feel incredibly guilty and kind of a bad person for this but I decided that I will send my apologies (excuse is i have a hen to go to ? they don?t need to know...) but i had to ask MrJoy for his approval on this. He ultimately understands that it will be hard although he threw in ?it will be hard for me too and it would be nice if you were there?. ...eek more guilt. HOwever, from past experience , these kind of events can leave me reeling for several days afterwards especially if it coincides with a hormonal day. kitty - that?s a great idea about doing something else on a separate day. I?m much better when I?m not amongst a huge crowd of mothers and expectant mothers.

wine - ooh it sounds like you are somewhere lovely and having a lovely time.

mess - things are always much harder with the in laws

pout - can i ask what all your bloods are for?

gin - i love doing spreadsheets, they?re very useful..it?s a good idea, i may do this at the weekend actually to work out my plan of action. Best of luck with the injections tonight.

lisa - i can?t think where Sutton is ....is outskirts of London? I?m central London.

I am still scared of meeting up and lifting the veil of anonymity but I would definitely be up for it as I know a few vodkas would cure the nerves!

mrsd* - sorry x post. I?m sorry you are feeling like this. I have to say i?ve been feeling like this rather regularly recently and bizarrely my negativity isn?t hormone related.. However, I would say to you that there is absolutely no reason why icsi is not going to work for you. You are all working, you?re young , your dh has plenty of sperm for icsi . But I understand how negativity takes a hold and it gets to the point where you can?t imagine it working and fear for the future if it doesn?t. We?ve all been through so much emotionally it?s difficult to see the happy ending and it seems a long road ahead. But i think of some of the most extraordinary stories of how so many people have beaten the odds and many of them with a lot worse stories than all of us on here and it sort of gives a glimmer of hope that things do work out in the end. Anyway, big hug to you . it?s not easy and i hope this feeling passes for you soon.

Aww, Thanks joycep you are right. I know that we have a good chance, but I keep thinking how unlucky we are to be in this situation and that this bad luck will continue. I know this type of thinking is so unproductive so I do need to snap out of it. I feel so scared when I think of life without kids.

I think you've done the right thing about avoiding the party. But your poor dh, do you think he will be ok going? At least the coven should leave him alone.

I love this thread and all of us so I'd like to meet up. But I think I'd only be able to meet up in London, and I only have about 4 days free and no weekend days, so not sure if that would work?

I know what you mean Mrsd- i frighten myself when I think of a life without kids. I don't honestly know what I would do with myself and I worry I would never be truly happen again. It's not a helpful thought process . Anyway you have more than a good chance. They say that for the most it's not a question of if with ivf but a question of when it will happen.

DH will be fine. He's much less emotional than me and he owes me one as I got him out of a wedding he didn't want to go to and I am going solo.

Weekdays are obviously easy for me as I am based in London. Hopefully we can sort something out, it would be really nice if we can all rendezvous .

I'm London based too and would be up for meeting those of you who want to drop the veil of anonymity! I have already met one of the lovely ladies from the BESH thread and we had a very pleasant evening together.

Afternoon, hope everyone is enjoying ths sunshine.

I haven't posted on here before but I'm utterly pissed off and wanted to talk. My DH is about as much use as a chocolate teapot when it comes to support so I thought I'd look on here...

We've been TTC #2 for over 18 months now, I honestly thought this month was 'it' I even went as far as buying a test (which I never do), but last night after DTD (for fun for once) I had a bleed, not a full on one, but way too heavy for it to be implantation bleeding and really red (sorry if TMI), and i'm only on day 26 :( I ended up using the test today (first response) and it was negative. Sometimes it hits me hard others i'm better with it. This has been horrid, i'm really teary today and almost at the point of giving up. Because of the bleed and it stopping today I'm supposed to be booking a Hysterosalpingogram and day 2 blood tests, but of course because we don't know if it's actually the start or not, no one wants to see me sob

Sorry for the rant, I'm going to have a bucket of when I get home I think!

mrsden I'm not sure I could get to London mid-week but I think you should try to meet as many of us as you can; and if some of the rest of us can swing a separate meet, that would be almost as good. I'm sorry you and joycep have been feeling down. I know we've said this before but there really are peaks and troughs, and not just with the hormones either. I too go through really sad hopeless periods, and others where actually it doesn't feel like the worst thing in the world. I already feel grateful for my life - we have a baltic nice home, Mr Nelly is amazing, we have good jobs so get to go on wonderful holidays, and both do extremely time consuming sports that we are obsessed with. I know never having children would leave me with some sadness and emptiness for all of my life. But on the other hand, I know it would be "ok". Hard yes, but not the end of the world. I already have two gorgeous nephews with 2 more (boy/girl uncertain yet) on the way. I'm astonished how much love I feel for my "blood" nephew actually. It's not the same, but life would be alright.

Again I fear I'm not putting this as well as I'd hoped (and as someone said above, projecting my own life onto other peoples) but I think that, if the absolute worst comes to pass, and any of us end up without children, that we have to grab life by the horns and make sure we live it :). But I also so strongly feel we are a very very long way from that reality. Few of us are even past the 2 year mark, and I know that is still slower than the fertile coven, but EVERYONE is a long way from Never Having Children. I promise :)

OK - have come down off my soap box now . All that said, I've had a little wibble. A colleague at work got married last year, she's older than me, probably close to 39. Anyway I knew through a drunken night out conversation that they were starting to try for kids after the wedding. I've just found out she is pregnant. Meh.

joycep glad you have made a decision re the party that you are happy with; and I think offering to visit on a separate day is enough to appease the guilt. Also very pleased that I didn't offend you :)

gin I can't remember if you are IUI'ing or IVF'ing? Good luck either way, although sorry about CD1 as I know we all still hope for that ironic BFP.

euro I think it sounds like IUI is a good move for you. Fingers crossed!

Still haven't had an appointment date from the hospital. I sent the letter back at least 6 weeks ago. Oh and I appear to be having rumblings in the womble region, which no doubt means I'll ovulate at the wrong time. Mr Nelly back tomorrow night - I'll be throwing myself on him as he walks in the door, but he knows this so hopefully won't mind....

pout what were the latest bloods, have you had the results yet, or is that a bit too soon?

wine Glad that you are enjoying your break, a sunny terrace sounds lovely. I am sat here looking at all the wasps that keep bouncing off the window (already out???????) and thinking that it is safer indoors!

mess I have never been to a hen do and certainly wouldn't want to pay £300 for the privilege!

Gin How are your injections going?

euro happy to read that you are happier about your treatment plan.

ahhh hello and sorry about your BFN and crappy & confusing AF. Can sympathise as I was there last week with weirdy and looonnng spotting. It is rubbish when your hopes are raised. Also sorry about your chocolate teapot DH. Mine is pretty useless too which can make all this feel a bit lonely sometimes, that's why I love the ladies on this thread!

joycep I don't blame you for ducking out of the party. Don't feel guilty about your DH. At least he is a man and won't have any babies thrust at him because "all women love babies".
My first blood test was ordered by crappy GP and I'm not sure what they were other than thyroid and ESR. The second was a repeat ESR because the first result was elevated. Subsequent tests are for the usual day 21 and day 3-5. I don't expect to get the results until my outpatients appointment in mid May.

nelly I wish I could be as upbeat as you about things. It's good that you feel like that. But 6 weeks and still no appointment...jeez!

mrsd I'm sorry that you are having a down time. I'm having a bit of that myself which is probably period related. I was thinking this morning how all the joy of TTC is so lacking and feel a bit cheated by that. Most other TTC ladies can excitedly symptom spot because it is likely that at some point soon they will get the BFP. For us we always have to temper it with the whole self preservation thing of not getting excited because it almost certainly will end in a dud cycle. We can't do any virtual shopping for baby stuff, coo over other peoples babies knowing we will have our own soon or think too much about names or even how many children we want. Sorry, I know I am being depressing. That said joycep is right to say that we ought to remain optimistic. All of us are still at the start of the journey in terms of treatment so I guess it ain't over yet! I just wish things were different.

Quick fabric update. It has arrived and DH gasped "you paid what? They are the size of napkins" I might be able to make literally 4 bunting flags. Oops! Anyone crafty who has any ideas on what I can do with the scraps so as to eek out every penny of what I paid

Waves to everyone else.

Not exactly upbeat pout - I have my moments. You have all borne witness to many of them! But I realised the other day I don't want to get to say 4 years down the line and feel like I spent this whole time miserable. Easier said than done, and you can all kipper me at a later date when I am in a down phase - but then hopefully some of you will be "up" and can pull me back up there with you :) Annoying about the appointment wait time though, isn't it? . Fabric - ummm cover buttons? I'm not sure why you'd want to do this, but it'd use it up .

Hello ahh come and hang out with us. OH's aren't always the best people to confide in, I think we've all found. Fingers crossed that the spotting turns into something more exciting, but in the meantime rant away.

I want some of your positivity nelly I know I will feel ok again once af comes and goes. I was starting to feel ok but then met up with a friend for coffee. She told me they are " no longer taking precautions" but not actively trying. Which means she'll be up duffed in no time. What you wrote "pout" really hit a chord, it's the not being able to hope and plan and the no fun in ttc that really upsets me.

So, a meetup. euro and joycep so far, I guess the easiest thing would be to private message to see if we can find a date that works. Would anyone else be up for it? I was thinking that if we're nervous about the anonymity thing then we could agree not to ask personal questions so we don't give stuff away until we're comfortable.

Buttons are a top idea nelly Strangely I was drooling over some ridiculously pretty and ridiculously expensive fabric buttons on ebay a few days ago. Thanks nelly

Do you seem to have a double dip. so to speak, mrsd during your period too? I seem to get the initial meltdown when it first arrives, I pull myself together but then I get hit with a second wave of despair about it a few days in.

I don't know why I am so nervous about a meet up, it's not the anonymity thing. Cripes what haven't I divulged on here Maybe I am a bit afraid that you all won't like me some of us won't like each other in RL [panicked smiley]

I know what you mean pout, but I like the idea of meeting because I've never had a real life conversation about ttc with a real person other than dh. And I also want to realize that we look like normal people and don't have barren on our foreheads. But I'll be very nervous in case you're all monsters in real life

Hello. Just a quickie from me, but I'd love to meet up and am London based so most evenings should be fine! Re anonymity, we're all in the same boat, so that doesn't bother me, but like Pout am just a bit worried you won't like me! Maybe I'll get you all hammered and then you won't remember if you like me or not

mrsd I know I am being stupid and will regret missing out on meeting you lovely ladies if I don't conquer my stupid lack of confidence. It would be so nice to talk about TTC and all the stuff that we don't discuss or just skirt around on here for fear of outing ourselves. I just hope that I'm not the only one with no dress sense, bad hair, badly applied make-up & no social skills

Frantically tries to apply cover up on my barren tattoo

Welcome ahhh - what a crappy time of hopes and dashes you have had. Poor you.

nelly - what a lovely post. I felt like you for the first few months of this year, i.e. grateful for what i?ve got, a lovely dh and thought that things would be ok even if it didn?t happen. I just seemed to have swerved off that path for the time being. I must say i would love to have a horse one day ?even though the last one i went on threw me off-- and I can imagine they are of great help whilst going through this. I have far too much time to think and really need to do a bit more! Talking of sports my tennis has vastly improved as i find i inject my anger about ttc in to the tennis balls ? works a treat.
Anyway you are so right that we are all a long way off from not having children. Personally i think the cut off point is the big M and i will probably still have hope until that day comes. Can you call up the hospital to chase for your appointment? My GP told me to call her in 3 weeks if i still hadn?t heard anything.

pout - what is ESR? This seems to have slipped past me...i thought i knew every blood test going! I don?t know much about fabric, I can?t really sew a button if i?m being honest....

mrsd - pm?ing is probably good way of organisig. Your post did make me giggle. At first I thought you were meaning personal questions as in private matters and I was thinking i honestly couldn't really reveal too much more personal info about myself.But I now know what you mean! I now have visions of us all walking in in veils and slowly lifting them up over our heads to reveal our true identity