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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Age gap between babies - what to aim for and how to achieve it??

109 replies

Blondeinlondon · 08/01/2006 18:55

What do you consider to be the ideal age gap between siblings and why?

If you decided X months/years was best for you how much leeway did you give yourself for conception? eg how many months before/after??

OP posts:

PootsyPlunkit · 09/01/2006 15:03

I always wanted mine close in age as I come from a large close familly and loved it, but now that I am 4m pg wit number 2... dd1 is 13m I am remembering the trauma ofsleepless nights and totally lack of any sort of patterning that we had first time and feeling mildly worried though also very happy and exited! also worried about how dd1 will take the new arrival though as previously mentioned will be under 2 so hopefully not too jelous?

Miaou · 09/01/2006 15:08

Wallace - sorry, you've probably given up waiting for the answer to your question! There is 6.5 years between dd2 and ds - slightly bigger than our original intention of having a five year gap, but I had changed my mind about having more, then changed it back again!!!

Wallace · 09/01/2006 15:18

I'd forgotten I asked until I saw your reply

Do you find it hard fitting the baby in with the routine of the older two?

tatt · 09/01/2006 15:44

think there's a lot to be said for 3 years as they seem to have a helpful stage around 3 but its not too far apart that they can't play together. Also for not veing heavily pregnant in August. However no idea how you'd manage it

hana · 09/01/2006 15:48

agree with lots of others who have said you can't really plan - despite what you want and how hard you work at it

whatever gap you get you work with - we have 3 years between our girls and I desperately wanted a smaller gap, but we didn't get that, so we've made the gap work and it's brilliant. lots of luck , hope it all works out for you!

Posey · 09/01/2006 16:19

I didn't want a small gap as I tend to need to feel in control and thought if I had 2 very young ones I would find it too hard! I wanted my first to have us all to herself and then have a second once she was in pre-school. So we started trying when dd was 3, got pregnant straight away. Unfortunately had a molar pregnancy which put the brakes on everything.
We now have a ds who is 5 and a half years younger than his sister. Lovely in the majority of ways and suits us.

Miaou · 09/01/2006 16:35

Not at all Wallace, in fact it is far easier than i thought it would be. But ds's needs aren't great atm, he is only 5 months - when he is a toddler i suspect it might be a bit different. It's part of the reason why we want another one - so we will have two pairs of kids at similar ages, so they always have a peer to be with who has similar needs. Watch this space!

sunnydelight · 09/01/2006 17:39

I have big gaps between my three - now 12, 7 and 2. The gap between the boys was slightly bigger than planned due to a m/c and planning didn't come into it with DD Personally I would have hated to have lots of small children at the same time, though I can certainly see the advantages as they get older. Generally the age differences between them work well - DS1 ADORES his little sister and will be old enough to babysit soon - but it can be hard to plan a day out that keeps everyone happy.

poppiesinaline · 09/01/2006 18:27

Sunnydelight - how do you run a family with a big age gap. I am wondering how I will get on as mine get older (now 9, 6 and 9 months). Any tips!?

bayleaf · 09/01/2006 19:25

Another vote ofr 'you can't plan and there are good bits to every gap'
I desperately wanted a small gap - started tryign when dd was 5 months - didn't get pregnant until she was 3.75!!! SO had dd2 the day after dd1 started school....
Plan A would have been incredibly stressful in the short term - but maybe nice in the long term ( tho not guarenteed - I have more than one freind with children close together who fight like cat and dog...) but plan B is lovely in that dd1 DOTES on dd2 - hasn't showed the slightest resentment or jealousy - and I get to enjoy being like a first time mum for most of the day! AS someone else has said ( and I've read on Mumsnet sevral times before )- whether they get on really does depend on their prsonalities and not on the age gap.
Good luck anyway!

calebsmummy · 09/01/2006 20:04

I have a big gap and a small gap (well what I consider small enough - lol) with my 3 boys. DS1 is 12 (on Wednesday ) DS2 was 3 in December and DS3 was 1 on the same day! So 9 years between 1 and 2 and exactly 2 years to the day with 2 and 3.

I do have a reason for my big gap, my first baby boy was stillborn, 13 months before DS1. My pregnancy with DS1 was soooo stressful that I just couldn't doing the whole being pregnant thing again...or so I thought until we decided it might be nice to have another. Hence DS2. That gap was brilliant as DS1 adored his baby brother and was so proud of him and very helpful. But we decided to have another close in age to DS2 as we felt that he would find it quite hard when DS1 goes to uni/leaves home etc as he will then only be 9 and left at home on his own, so to speak. So we had DS3. Didn't actually plan to have him on DS2's 2nd birthday, but there you go.

I found having a tiny baby and a 2 year old ok. The baby didn't do much and DS2 has never been jealous of his brother. Indifferent at times, but I think he thinks DS3 has always been around and doesn't remember a time when he wasn't. It's getting more difficult now that DS3 is becoming his own little person and is very interested in what DS2 is doing. He does like to interfere Also we have jealousy from DS3 when I cuddle DS2 as DS3 is a real cuddly mummy's boy. Not that I would ever stop cuddling DS2 just because his brother isn't happy about it!

Saying that though, they clearly adore each other and I am hoping in a few months when DS3 has a little more control they will play really well. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I draw the line at any more close to their age though!

curlygirl · 10/01/2006 09:18

I have just discovered I am pregnant again, due in September and my dd is 13mnths. I am a bit worried about the work involved and silly things like how do you get out and about with two under two's. The thought of going shopping with a double buggy fills me with dread.

Original poster

Blondeinlondon · 10/01/2006 09:22

congrats curlygirl

OP posts:

curlygirl · 10/01/2006 09:32

Thankyou. I have very sore boobs

CaptainDippy · 10/01/2006 10:59

Congratulations curlygirl!! I have a fifteen month age gap between my 2 DD's and you just manage with the 2 under 2 thing - you find strategies to cope - Have to admit that I don't go shopping with them much - is a bit crazy, but have a wonderful Phil 'n' Teds pram, which helps with the "space issue"!! All the very, very best!! hopey ou have a lovely, wonderful pregnancy!!

dazedandconfusedmum · 10/01/2006 19:10

I have 22 months between DS1 & DS2. 2 and a half years between DS2 & DS3 and 13 months between DS3 & DS4!! All in all, 4 boys in 5 and half years but we love it. They all love eachother (most of the time) and the older 3 can all play together (DS4 only 4 months) and they all adore DS4.

It is VERY hard work and routine/timing is key to my whole day but it is lovely that they are so close and will all be at school together. I do dread it when they are all teenagers though with the whole girlfriend thing (sharing/stealing etc) AAGGGHHHH!!!

My biggest problem is that DH and DS1&2 all want another baby and I am undecided if I can/want to manage 1 more. We have the space/room and can manage financially but with all the boys so close in age I wouldn't want the last one to have a big gap and like I said, I don't know if I can do it all again so soon.

Anyone in the same boat and got any advice??

pookey · 10/01/2006 21:44

Dazedandconfusedmum why don't you do a Miaou and wait 5 or so years then have a couple more . I was planning to have 2 close together then a 10 year gap then 2 more before I got pregnant with my first now I think 1 more in 2 or 3 years and call it a day

dazedandconfusedmum · 11/01/2006 07:50

Pookey, If I wait 5 or so years and have 2 more then that will be 6!!! DH has 3 other children so 9 is a bit much!! I only have the room for 1 more as far as bedrooms go and I think 5 is plenty!! I also likt the idea that by the time I am 30 they will all be at school so if I have another sooner rather than later I will still be about 32/33 when I get some freedom back (maybe I can become a "lady that lunches")

harpsichordcarrier · 11/01/2006 08:17

OK I have almost exactly two and half years between my two dd's and it works well right now (newborn stage). my older daughter is just starting preschool (she is two years and seven months) and has a little independence and plays well on her own, giving me some time with the baby. She is old enough to understand that, for example, the baby needs to take priority sometimes and needs gentle handling.
she can also help me a little with practical things and, for example, I can leave her playing in the bath while I am feeding dd2. She is feeding independently and generally doesn't need full on attention from me. She doesn't need the pushchair and sleeps well at night. She LOVES being the big sister and is old enough to express any jittery feelings very clearly to me, and to understand when I explain things to her.
but tbh quite a lot of it is due to personality I think.
BUT being pregnant with a demanding toddler was not a bundle of laughs tbh.
The important thing for me was that the two of them would have some time at home together to build up a relationship before dd1 goes to school, but that is a personal thing.
FWIW I have four sisters - there are around 20 months between all of them, then a seven year gap before I came along. The older two, and the middle two are very close and always have been. BUT I am closest to the two sisters who are seven and fourteen years older than me! because we have most in common.
and my bf has probably the closest relationship with his sister that I have ever known and there is six years between them.
So apart from the convenience of the early days, I think the rest is probably down to personality.

harpsichordcarrier · 11/01/2006 08:21

oh and one more thing
we did want a smallish gap because I would like to stay at home with both of them until they go to school. so financially there is a limit to how long I can afford to do that.

izzybiz · 11/01/2006 16:24

i have 11 years between my two!! i had my Ds when i was very young, so didnt have anymore for obvious reasons. i love the difference between them, Ds has been asking for a baby for years, it was lovely when i told him i was pregnant, he cried (with joy!) and his sister is his princess, and she adores him.

katierocket · 11/01/2006 16:26

whatever you decide NEVER assume it'll work out the way you want it. I conceived DS first time of trying but we have been trying for number 2 for 2 years - and we've never had any fertility problems before so there was no indication that this might happen. It's unexplained infertility and can happen to literally anyone. You can plan it IMO.

katierocket · 11/01/2006 16:28

sorrry, that should be you can't plan it

Kerry17 · 11/01/2006 20:41

I have 2 beautiful daughters Lauryn was 2 in Nov and Ashley has just turned 1 there is 13mths between them and although Ashley wasn't planned and i had a very hard time when she was a newborn
its great now!
They get on really really well and Lauryn goes around telling everyone how much she loves her 'baby sister' shes always kissing and hugging her and they play really lovely together. Hovever if you are not a stong person it is extreemly difficult! Trust me i wouldn't want a gap quite that small again

sockmonkey · 12/01/2006 08:54

My 1st DS was 2.2 when i had my second DS, and he was not impressed, he kept telling me to put the baby back. I think he was too young to understand the whole pregnancy thing, and had become very used to being the centre of my attention, so having to share me with someone else has been hard on him. I have 3 brothers & 3 sisters and there is around 2 years between each of us and we all get on great & have grown up pretty close. I think my boys will be close as they grow older, but at the moment I always feel guilty about not spending enough time with them individually. I especially feel bad about cuddling my baby then my toddler is around as he gets so jealous.

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