TTC for 10+ months, part 4

[eurochick]

Time for a new thread as the other one is just about full.

Fingers crossed for lots of patiently-awaited BFPs on this one!

Hello,

I posted yesterday but it seems to have disappeared!

I'm now on cd 23. Monitor is still only showing high but cheapy opk has been positive yesterday and again today! So we are covering bases by swi just in case. Only managed last night and tonight as i was on call in the hospital on monday. Weekend was a washout as DH had his xmas night so that ruined sat and sun!! I was not amused!

Hope all is well. Sorry about the wedding pout and hello to cupcakes!

PS for those wanting to use opks amazon has the clearblue digital ones reduced to under £5

wine good luck for tomorrow and big hugs. Sending you positive and soothing vibes. Not long til it will all be over and time for a lot of relaxing.

pout am sorry that the wedding didn?t go ahead, but good news that you have re-booked for next month. I too was PMSL about the snakes being in the pram. Try explaining that one to an IT bod

nelly I have got my fingers crossed for a festive BFP for you (and everyone else of course!) Hope your horse gets better soon

euro Six days am glad that your DH is doing some tactful preparation. I have come to the conclusion that Christmas is an absolute nightmare for hideous baby related conversations. All that seeing people you haven?t seen for ages and questions about future plans. I had a really bad one last night, we were out for dinner and the conversation turned to babies via the fact that an acquaintance has just got pregnant, by accident, with her 8th baby ? I kid you not. Apparently she ?hadn?t had sex in years?, had a one night thing, and got knocked up because she?s just so fertile . At this point I could feel DH tensing up (the people we were out with don?t know about our situation). Anyway it just got worse, they started asking when we were going to be having babies and I just started having this massive freak out at the table. I was just staring down at my plate of food (which I suddenly had no appetite for) and then had to flee to the loo as the panic was rising. People are so insensitive though ? despite the fact that I was clearly upset, the subject was one that we didn?t want to talk about and all the clues are there (married a while, settled, well into our 30s, no sign of babies etc) they crashed on, talking about our ages and ?how long we have left? blah blah. Awful. It made me cross and also a bit angry with DH that he doesn?t just want to be honest with people and so I have to put up with hideous cross examinations about my tumblewomb.

I have doing some reading of fertility books today ? have read all of Inconceivable and most of The Infertility Cure. Have been spending a lot of time wondering how on earth I can get DH on board with lifestyle improvements. He is out getting hammered tonight

Waves to everyone else.

Just a quick post from me... wine lots of good luck for the lap. Hope it all goes well and mr wine spoils you afterwards.

Interesting to hear you ladies also get post ov pains. I had never noticed them until ttc and now seem to get them from 7 dpo (sometimes even from ov) until my period. Was a bit worried that this meant something was wrong but it can't be if many of us get it!

pout sorry to hear things are still hard. Lots of big hugs to you

Also sorry to those who are having to put up with insensitive in laws. Some people!

kitty what a tough evening. I can't believe how insensitive some people are. My DH too won't let me tell people (although i've told a few close friends), so I leave it to him to fend off the questions. He's generally resorted to telling people we're going to steal a baby! Christmas is a total nightmare for this kinda thing. We were out last night for Xmas drinks and there was a pregnancy announcement. Everyone was so pleased for them and they looked so happy and I just sat there trying not to cry, with DH also looking a bit sad. Also had a text about the birth of a friend's baby and then went in facebook, where someone has a fucking awful app that tells everyone what their foetus is doing. Argh! Ttc has turned me into a right old grumpy/selfish cow!

Anyway I drank a load of wine (take that pregnant ladies!) and felt a bit better. After our bad news last week, think I'm just being a 'tad' sensitive. Am sure it will get easier with time.

On a happier note, last day of work today before Xmas break, hurrah

kitty, how HIDEOUS that dinner sounds. It's so hard to know how to respond isn't it. Apart from a few close female friends of mine, nobody knows we're TTC, including both sets of parents. I have this deep-seated irrational fear that people will think I'm a failure (have always been a bit of a swotty, high-achieving Madam). So I tend to brazen it out with sweeping statements about my fabulous career and how I don't want to trade my Mulberry for a changing bag yada yada, whilst trying to quell the instinct I have to punch the poor questioner squarely in the face.

Thanks ladies, am so glad you think those conversations are awful too, I did wonder if I was being over sensitive and unfair on the people. One of the things that really bothers me is the way they obviously didn't have the minutest inkling that we could be having difficulties. The thought couldn't have been further from their minds. It just makes me feel like such a freak, and I think that's part of the reason why I want to tell people, so that people realise that not everyone gets pregnant as soon as they decide to have a baby. Grrr. Rant over, sorry, just needed to offload.

gin I'm so sorry you had a preg announcement, birth announcement and FB shite all at once, that is truly horrible. Hope you feel better soon. I'm still working up the courage to leave Facebook. We will get there in the end.

mrshy I love the way you are handling it, dignity, grace, and no weird food-staring or toilet fleeing I really need to take a leaf out of your book!

wine thinking of you xxx

Hi Ladies

I am hopeful we now have had our dodgy internet fixed so fingers crossed for less phone posting (except when I am at work - after joycep's experience!). By the way I agree with whoever said that chances are your IT guys had absolutely no idea what they were looking at, we mostly talk in code after all :)

Kitty I so know how that feels, it's what I was alluding to re my Sis in law. She just keeps on saying things to me that suggest it has never even crossed her mind that it may not be plain sailing for everyone. But despite that I'm still with MrsHY1 that I just don't want people to know that I am failing at something others have found so easy. I'm an achiever, and I too make jokes and brush it off whilst wondering which designers make changing bags

Did you pick up any tips in your reading kitty? I will pass on the festive pats, albeit she is in trouble for cantering past me in the mud, kicking her heels up and splattering me quite a lot .
Gin that app sounds horrendous! I am still on FB as I like the simple aspects of keeping in touch with my friends. I can't stand all the add-ons though and I'm getting a bit scared about my security of information - what is all the chat of Timelines? Glad you are joining in the post-ov pains, albeit I have the slightly opposing view of the fact that many of us share the same issues might be a worry, rather than a reassurance that it's normal, IYSWIM?

I hope you are ovulating izzy for obvious reasons, but also because that should mean a shorter cycle this time shouldn't it?

Just received my Christmas card from my sister, with a gorgeous photo of my nephew (lives overseas) and he makes my heart melt every time I see him .

I had loads more I wanted to say but can't remember so will post again later as I'm working from home and like to avoid work as much as possible

Hello ladies.

Nelly I hope that your horse gets better soon. Vet bills for the dogs make my eyes water, I dread to think what they must be like for a horse!
Your SIL sounds like a comedy sketch. I pity how she is going to tell her friend she is preggers. For the friends sake lets hope she decides to hold off until after Xmas!
I hate FB these days too. I think it's largely since TTC though to be honest I got a bit sick of going on there and generally feeling like everybody else has such a great life, best boyfriend, amazing social life, everyone is so happy etc. Sod that.
Thank for your words of encouragement regarding a New Year wedding mark II. I suppose it will be something to look forward to it's just difficult when the first one was set up to be so perfect. It's the silly things, Xmas as newly weds, lots of "free" Xmas time off work for DP, right time of cycle (not on AF, not ovulating just in the vainly hoping stage), whispers because obviously it is not a good thing in the grand scheme of things but not yet pregnant and barfing every two seconds Ah well, it's all about persepective I suppose and trying to get some. I would rather be me right now than my mother

kitty so you've endured the curse of the insensitives too. There seems to be a lot of it about! It's awful that some people just don't seem to read people and notice that they are being tactless. It seems that somtimes people just have something they want to say and will carry on regardless. You leaving the table should have been a bit of a sign for the subject to be dropped.
BTW 8 kids??????? Her body must be ravaged, not to mention her mind! My sister was helpfully telling me all about how her body looks like an A-Z because of stretchmarks and how her teeth are buggered because of her pregnancy. Why feel the need to tell me?????????

gin Poor you and the pregnancy announcement. Cue the feel like my stomach has fallen through the floor and feel like this will never be me "I'm so happy" smile taped onto mush.
Makes me wonder whether any of us ladies on here will ever actually tell anyone we're upduffed for fear of upsetting a fellow tumblewomb. People will only know when our offspring go to school.

Euro I think I'm taking the view now that honesty about having troubles conceiving is probably best (though I would have preferred to have decided who I told and when rather than my mum taking that decision upon herself. I was at her house at the weekend and visitors were coming over and I kept wondering who exactly knew about my reproductive organs!). Whether it makes people more sensitive or not is debatable! In your case being forced to hide trigger shots and be all secret squirrel would not have been easy.

wine Good luck for your lap, I'm sure it will all be fine and you can relax at Xmas knowing it's over. How long are you in hospital for? Still it's not very festive is it!!!!
Your toenail lady gives us all hope I suppose. Did she say what, if anything, made it take so long?

Izzy Hurrah for positive OPK!

mrshy I see being unable to conceive as a personal failure and like you I suppose a bit of me worries that other people will think it to.

Well ladies my mother is coming to visit tomorrow for probably ages but trying not to think about it a few days, so I don't expect that I will get the chance to come on here until after Xmas. I want to wish you all a wonderful Xmas - please God we have some festive BFPs - and also want to say, because it's Christmas and I'm allowed to go all mushy, that youladies have been a fabulous supposrt over the last year and I'm glad to have met you.
Merry Christmas

Ah, Pout that was lovely . I hope you have a nice Christmas with your mum in spite of everything, not to mention a fantastic new year wedding .

I've been way too busy over the last few days with Christmas present buying, socialising & the like, but think I'm finally prepared. I finish work today too - woohoo!

Not a lot to report on the clomid front, but was pleased when the opks indicated that I'd ovulated a few days ago. I do normally, but had a horrible feeling that the drugs might in some way mess me up more than I am already!

Boo for all of the insensitive comments that have been flying about - (silly fools), strokes for the poorly horse, and fingers crossed for the lap Wine.

I'll probably post before Christmas but am feeling festive - Merry Christmas all!

Thanks for the positive ov wishes.

My body is a bit messed up I think as this morning I've had my 3rd positive opk!!

No clue what's goin on!

Hi ladies,

wine - I hope today went ok. I hadn't quite realised that your op was happening so soon. Let us know how it went.

pout - so sorry about your cancelled wedding but now there is something to look forward to in the new year. I hope your mum is bearing up, she must be going through a grisly time.

gin - sorry about your tough Xmas drinks. It's the hardest thing trying to look happy for people. I will never make a public announcement if we get preggers just in case there is someone there struggling.

Well I have been very hectic at work this week. Haven't dared go on mN again from work. Got completely sloshed the other night and am on day 2 of hangover. First hangover in about a year so it's long over due. I can't believe how nervous I get going to parties now just in case there is an announcement. Anyway a friend told us we should just start going down the adoption route to give us a focus. I was drunk so I was telling her I thought it was brilliant idea. Actually I don't think we are ready for that!

Anyway have a wonderful Christmas everyone. I just want to echo what Pout said and thank you all for being such a huge support through our tricky journey. I would never have imagined myself as a secret Internet poster and never would have believed how helpful and supportive and friendly a virtual thread could be so thank you!!!
Merry Christmas ho ho ho and 2012 is going to be a good year for us all. Xxx

Well here I am. I could do with some virtual hand holding. This is a me post im sorry, but I will no doubt catch up properly in the next few days. So here is why I'm not pregnant. I have a very large fibroid taking up most of my womb and almost entirely blocking my cervix. I have not really got my head around this yet at all. As i was coming around, the consultant was waving large colour photos of my bulging and mishapen womb, saying he was annoyed with whoever did my u/s in July as it was a whopper.

Later on the ward, I couldn't really remember what he said. But a rather rubbish nurse came round and showed me my post op notes which said very large fibroid attached to wall and cervix. It also said that in spite of normal apperaing tubes, no dye had spilled out!!!! Bt the consultant had said my tubes were all fine when I was coming round but the nurse said no, that means they are blocked. Cue me crying A LOT with no dh cos he wasn't allowed on the ward. I said I'm sure that isn't what he said, but he had already left by then. Luckily another lovely nurse said she would see if she could get hold of another doctor who had been in theatre, who came up, got my dh and sat with us, she was lovely. They did have trouble getting dye through, but that is because my fibroid was all in the way. She said she spotted a bit of dye though and that they looked fine, and usually if they were blocked you could easily tell by looking. She is convinced that because of the size of the fibroid, and where it is, I would fail at implantation. It also explains the backache I've had for 6 months as it is nudging against the base of my spine. And she said, the spotting before my period was probably caused by it too. It's also why couldn't get the catheter through to do tne hsg and they had a lot of trouble getting it in today too.

This leaves me a bit bewildered. They are concerned at the rate it's growing and I'm back in three weeks for another u/s. I need to have it removed as it would cause a lot of difficulties if I did get pregnant. This apparently a big op, six weeks off work and 'a good while' before we can try while my womb heals up properly.

The lap has hurt considerably more than I thought, but apparently, the fibroid led to a lot more rummaging than usual. Also, I've bled an enormous amount due to the fibroid being poked and woke in a puddle of blood. I was no morphine but am awaiting to eat tea so I can have a hefty cocktail of painkillers. I think I will start to think that this is good, that I can move forward and so on. And it will be good to get rid of the back pain and spotting. Bt I also wanted to just get back to trying and now it looks like that isn't going to happen for ages. So scrap the last plan!

Sorry for being all about me. I'm worried I won't remember writing this actually! X

Also, the anaesthetist told me it took him and his wife 18 mo the the first time to conceive and almost two years the second, both done naturally.I will add this to hope book!

Oh wine I'm so sorry to hear that. It does explain a lot but why on earth wa that not spotted on the ultrasound??! If its that big then it should have been obvious!

The only semi positive thing is it has shown a reason for not conceiving.

Take it easy

Wine you poor thing you have had such a hard time! You sound very coherent! So so sorry about this, what a shock that must have been. I don't know much about fibroids but believe they are very common, can't understand how this didn't get picked up on the u/sound though if it was that bad? Well-as izzy has said, at least you have found a reason, and it is something they can do something about. I know the thought of another operation is not what you need at the moment but as you say once you have absorbed the news you'll probably be pleased to move forward. In the mean time get loads of rest! When are you allowed home? Sending big hugs xxxxxxxx

Thank you both. I'm home now in bed and have just had chicken broth. I've been high as a kite this afternoon but feel pretty lucid now, but do keep forgetting what I've said to dh. It really hurts now morphine has worn off, just waiting for codeine and other pills to kick in. I'm still shocked by it all and the copious bleeding, but that does seem to be easing off now. I'm glad and worried in equal measure I think. I'm not entirely sure I'll fully understand everything til I see the consultant again. They're rushing me in for a u/s in the early new year though as they did seemed concerned about its girth! I feel my brain is buzzing, like will it come back and when on earth will be ttc again? And so on and so forth. I want to chat to you all about your bits of news but my thinking skills are rather fuzzy. Loves back though x

Whoops repeating myself poor dh, it must be like being with my gran!

wine pleased to hear you are now back home. Big hugs and hope DH is spoiling you. News like you've received will take time to sink in/ get your head round. However I know of a few people who've conceived having had fibroids removed or in one case with a massive (we're talking football like) fibroid in situ! Hope you make a swift recovery.

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and lots of sloe gin and festive fun. To echo joy and pout it's so lovely to have 'met' you all and your support helps me so much. Looking forward to continuing on this ttc lark with you all and whatever it might bring! Right, bring on the snowballs

Oh wine you poor thing, no wonder you are all at sea that must have been such a shock to you. I'm sorry it is all so sore and horrid and messy too. But massive hugs from me (gently, so as not to hurt) and some positive thinking. There is a very very VERY high chance this is why you have not been conceiving, so once the nasty op is out of the way, your chances are going to be so much higher. But in the meantime, just take it one day at a time. Get yourself up and about first, then talk to doctors again about next steps. And in the meantime (perhaps once you are off the heavy drugs ) you can allow yourself some guilt free You time, involving gallons of .

Oh I also forgot to say, the friend I was talking to at my christmas party said they found a fibroid in her too. She said (I think, I was drunk at the time ) that it was the size of a golfball, and your uterus is about the size of a fist - is that right? Anyway she had IVF three months later and got pregnant with her son, but she does wonder if they had carried on trying naturally whether it would have then been ok for them. I think by that point they had been trying for about 3 years though, so didn't want to wait any longer for nature.

kitty I am sorry to hear about your awful evening. People can just be so insensitive. I think my husband doesn't really like the fact that I talk about our issues so openly (not to random people on the bus (!) but to friends and family), but I refuse to treat subfertility as something shameful. It's just a health problem (albeit one with an awful lot of emotional consequences). If I had broken my arm I would tell people about it. And if me being open about it stops just one or two incidents like the one you describe (whether directed me at or someone else) I am happy that I shared.

For lifestyle changes, could you suggest a joint health kick in January? So you could do it together and make him think it is about health in general rather than trying to improve his swimmers? My husband is pretty healthy but rubbish about taking supplements, which does annoy me. I am on pregnancare, omega 3, D3, aspirin, B6 and some supplements I take unrelated to ttc, plus the Letrozole days 2-6 and I have my trigger shot injection lurking in the fridge and steroids waiting in the cupboard to take after ov. Surely one measly pill isn't too much to ask of him?

Oops, pressed post too soon.

wine I am sorry to hear that your lap was traumatic! I had no idea the fibroid removal surgery was such a big thing. My mum had some removed when I was younger and I don't remember it taking her out of action for long, but it was a long time ago so perhaps my memory is not clear. Interestingly, when my private gynae first did a scan, he spotted a fibroid within about 30 seconds (but fortunately said that it was small and high enough that it should not cause any pg-related problems). He showed me it and I could see it quite clearly on the scan. The NHS sonographer didn't spot it (or if she did, she didn't mention it). On the bright side (I am always looking for one!), you do now have an explanation and a plan to move forward.

I second/third/forth what others have said - this thread has been a great support over the past months. I am really glad I have found you all!

My news is that I had a scan last night. It was supposed to let my gynae tell me when to take my trigger shot but he said all of my follicles were small and he would ideally rescan in a few days but because it's Xmas he can't, so no trigger shot this month and he doesn't think I will ovulate until day 18! I was really surprised as that would be the latest ever in all the months I have been tracking it. When I first started ttc, I would ovulate on days 15 and 17 alternately. With acu and supplements, that moved to 14/16 about 6 months ago and has stayed there consistently since, so day 18 would not be a step in the right direction! However, he did say that with PCOS, there can be lots of follicles growing and then one will quickly take the lead and it can be quite unpredictable. So all in all, my scan yesterday was a bit of a waste of time and money. Meh.

Thanks euro sorry about your scan. I'm sure that your body is just adjusting to the drugs etc so try not to worry about the ov day too much. You just never knowhow these things are going to go. My mum was an avoid charter and always ovd day 18-21 and swears my brother came from a late ovulation that took her by surprise. Acu does make me rather obsessed by day 14 ov and does get it to 14 and I think I think quite rigidly about this, so know where you're coming from. My fibroid is mahoosive apparently. It was causing much discussion and interest! So it would be an op like a c section, they said yesterday. Hence not much chance of a natural birth for me.

kitty grr about insensitive people and conversations. A lot of my friends know now and I echo euro that this has helped to avoid these situations. It has left perhaps a little awkwardness with new announcements but I think it's better. I think when people have had no issues getting pregnant, they regard it as something like ordering a package off amazon and fertility struggles probably seem a million miles from real life. But what happened to good old fashioned sensitivity and perceptiveness? Also, I think if you've been pregnant, you've been in antenatal groups and new mum groups - surely you hear tales of trying and battles that might teach a bit of sensitivity?

Thanks nelly for the vitual hugs and success story. I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself but hope that it's anaesthetic blues or something. It feels like a big obstacle. If this is what's been causing the probe and they can whip it out and I conceive then bonus. But my mind keeps looping around, like wht if it isn't even that. I'm still not 100 sure about the tubes - even still! And she did say there was a bit of gap that we could get a natural conception - but we haven't. It really can't have helped though. I'm also worried about missing work. But I'm sure that will pass. Did your sperms pass with flying colours.

Waves to other helpful ladies and izzy good call on the cheap stick. If I ever get to use them again!!!!

My tummy feels like it's been kicked. And is so puffed up and black and blue. But not too bad gas pains, just like hiccup pain. I thought I was quite lucid yesterday but have now forgotten big chunks of it, like when you're drunk and you think you aren't!

Merry Christmas ladies!

Where has this past week gone?!? Am so relieved I finish work today and am not back until after the new year, I don't think I've ever been more ready for a break.

I've missed loads so I will not remember all that I've read...

wine I'm so sorry about your lap. As you say, this could be the thing that's been stopping you getting pregnant so you're a step closer. Just take it one step at a time (easier said than done, I know) and try just to deal with the information that you're certain of. I know after the HSG that showed no dye going through my right hand tube, my mind went into overdrive about what else that might mean and no good comes of it! Make sure you take it easy and look after yourself over the next few days

euro sorry about your scan. As wine said, do you think it's your body adjusting to the drugs? Hope the next few days with your MiL aren't too stressful - you're braver than I am, 2-3 days is my limit with the in laws!

pout - I would second what others have said about a January wedding - something to look forward to in the new year.

Bah humbug to horrid dinner conversations and pregnancy announcements. People's insensitivity never ceases to amaze me but it's difficult to shrug off at this or any time of year.

Yay to all the festive vino being consumed and well-earned hangovers. I'm making mulled wine for later to drink with everything non-pregnant friendly pate and soft cheese. I've joined the Rocky Road bandwagon too - complete with edible glitter - it looks lovely and sparkly. Now I have to make sure it lasts until my party on Christmas Eve.

Can't believe there are so many Monicas amongst us! Makes me feel slightly more normal as no-one else in my family is like it at all.

Also just wanted to echo what everyone has said about what a support and source of strength this place has been over the past few months. So glad we've all found each other. Thank you ladies x

Merry Christmas Everyone!!
Hope your feeling a bit better today Wine Answers are a start...
Pout January wedding def something to look forward to in the New Year.
Has anyone heard from Stasi just wondered in case I had missed her post.

Definitely agree with everyone who has said what a source of strength and support this place is. Its kept me sane.

Enjoy your Christmas drinks in the knowledge that 'a little of what you fancy does you good'