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Original poster

Feeling annoyed when sister mentions "she might just have another baby"

64 replies

Raspberryjam · 13/11/2011 08:14

Nearly 41, clock ticking. We are very lucky to have DD nearly 4 now, ivf success. Now had failed frozen cycle and this week disastrous fresh cycle - 8 eggs none fertilised properly.
Sis just gone back to work as DD nearly 1 and she is nearly 10 years younger. Couple of times recently has flippantly said she might just have another baby straight away and not wait.
I know I have to be grateful for what we have, but starting to feel is end of road for us and not sure getting on the ivf rollercoaster again is good idea. My dad has been very supportive but has also told me to "count my blessings" - why do I feel like telling them all to piss off ? - except I don't - I just agree and smile. My mum is not around anymore - she died 8 years ago and I often wonder what she would do.
Any thoughts? Maybe I am being selfish to want another and I should just stop and be grateful for what we have ?

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 13/11/2011 08:18

You will get flamed by many on here.

I can understand your anger and upset, lots on here have suffered the agony secondary infertility. I think the 'counting your blessings' line is well meant but quite insensitive.

But, you know, your sister is entitled to talk about having another baby! You need to find it in your heart to be more generous towards her I think. It is not her fault that you are going through this, it is not her fault she is 10 years younger than you and she should be able to talk to her sister about adding to her family. If you think she is being deliberately insensitive, that's another matter entirely.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 13/11/2011 08:19

You could say something although unless you have a particulary bad relationship i doubt she is saying it to hurt you it sounds as though she is just making passing comments. The fact is she probably will have another baby at some point or multiple times if she is 10 years younger.

Tee2072 · 13/11/2011 08:20

You are absolutely allowed to feel sad/disappointed that the decision to have more children isn't up to you.

But you can't expect everyone else to stop having children and/or feel excited to do so just because you can't.

I say this as a woman with only one child 50% by choice and 50% due to poor health.

activate · 13/11/2011 08:22

2 issues here

  1. your sister is allowed to talk about her plans and thought processes she is your sister. And your father is trying to help and neither will have any way of understanding how difficult this is. It is not their fault that you have had problems conceiving and they don't need to live their lives walking on eggshells

  2. you are 41 and going through huge hormonal fluctuations and a really difficult process to have another child - it may work or it may not - this is your desire and your decision so good luck with it and try to swallow down the crazies

you are not selfish for wanting another - it doesn't stop the fact that you love your first - if you feel strong enough to try do if not don't - only you and your partner can make this decision

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 13/11/2011 08:23

you are right Proudnscary,
I do listen to my sister about this and I think am supportive for her - at least I hope I am -it is no way her fault .

OP posts:
TheRealTillyMinto · 13/11/2011 08:25

YANBU. If you sister knows you situation she is not thinking about you. But like you said you are older than her, so I think you need to be the adult here. Being the big sister never stops!

Crabapple99 · 13/11/2011 08:30

Tell her how you feel, she hasn't guessed! Tell her you are glad for her and sad for yourself.

I wanted many, I have one. The sadness never completly faded, but it gradually became much easier once I stopped trying. Now he is secondary age we are really enjoying the financial and other forms of freedom and flexibility having an only child gives you

PaintYouByNumbers · 13/11/2011 08:33

at least she is not like my friend, each time she has had a miscarriage she has told me all about it in graphic detail, including whilst i was pregnant with my dd, she just turned round and said "it was twins as well." i really didn't want to know!

pigletmania · 13/11/2011 08:56

I would bite my tongue if I were you, and keep it to myself! She has one child and wants another, whats wrong with that. I had dd easily, but difficulty concieving a dc2 (pg with dc2 now), took my 5 years, I was so envious of others getting pg so easily with their 2,3,4 dc. I hated the FB status, and the texts announcing the arrival of babies. I know that sometimes its only possible to have one, mum mum was in the same boat as you and I am an only child, but really you can;t stop the world from reproducing because you can't!

Original poster
Raspberryjam · 13/11/2011 09:12

congratulations pigletmania. Of course I wouldn't want her not to have any more kids or any close friend for that matter- I love her very much. I would never say to her that I felt hurt as it will be a wonderful time for my sister. Think I am feeling bit sorry for myself/wallowing in self pity/angry in aftermath of failed ivf cycle. I need to give myself a shake out of it...................

OP posts:
QuitePrettyInPink · 13/11/2011 09:18

Look, she might not know how hurtful she is being. I know it seems obvious, but I can tell you from very bitter exoerience that when I was sharing my plans and ideas for babies with a close friend, I had no idea tha pain she was in, suffering as she was with infertility. I lost her as a friend because I think she just coukd nit bear to be around me talking pg tests and the like. I honestly had No Idea. A mutual friend had to tall me to shut it. I was and am mortified. Had many sleepless nights over my unthinking insensitivity.
If you are upset, please tell her gently.

DownbytheRiverside · 13/11/2011 09:21

Has your sister ever been mean to you about your TTC? Pointed out that your age is against you? Told you that you should have started ten years earlier? Said that you are too old now to think about having another baby?
If all she's done is talk to you in a light-hearted fashion as if you were a friend and a sister then YABU.
If she's 30, she may well have more children planned, and seeing how hard it has been for you may be making her think that she'd rather not wait.
You may feel upset and angry that things are easier for her, but that's not her fault. If it does distress you, tell her. But that will probably make further conversations very stilted and careful unless you stick to the weather.

NoseyNooNoo · 13/11/2011 09:22

RaspberryJam

There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. You know how great motherhood is now and want another one. It is a natural emotion. What would be wrong would be if you expressed that in front of someone who can't have children and would happily have one like you already have - that would be insensitive.

You sister can't be blamed for wanting another - it's a natural emotion. However, it would be wrong to nonchalantly (sp?) say she might just pop one out in front of someone who is struggling to have a second one - that would be insensitive.

It would be unreasonable to expect people to stop having babies because you can't but I read your OP as wanting people, like your sister, to be a little more senstive - which is not unreasonable of you at all.

Best of luck in your baby journey.

CookieRookie · 13/11/2011 09:23

RJ I can't disagree with anything anyone else has said and that's because it's advice I have to heed too. I don't like it but it really is nobody elses fault that we are having trouble conceiving. I have a dd and also suffer secondary infertility.

I have been to the pits of despair in the last four, nearly five years and I have been consumed by raging jealousy when friends and family members have become pg. I have smiled and shared their excitment on the outside but inside I was screaming. Right up to August this year when I had a cp I was eaten alive by jealously, guilt, anger and many more nasty feelings. I questioned my faith and my sanity. My best friend became pregnant and though I was super excited because I love her to bits I couldn't help the jealousy creeping in. She was very visibly pg when I had my cp and it hurt so much just looking at her. When she would talk so excitedly about being pg and when she found out the sex of the baby and talked night, noon and morning about how wonderful life was going to be I felt like screaming at her to shut the fuck up!

Nasty, yes but in the midst of such overwhelming hurt and sorrow it's next to impossible to put those feelings aside. I knew it wasn't a personal dig but I choose to allow paranoid thoughts take over. How could she be so tactless, how could she be so hurtful? How could she enjoy being pregnant and look forward to having a baby and even say, like your sister, she was thinking already of more to keep the age gap closer?

The answer? Because she was bloody entitled to. She had every right to revel in the joy and excitement of being a first time mother. She had every right to look forward to her first child. Yes the baby talk (talking in what she thought would be how her baby would sound) got to me and I had a little giggle to myself when she stated many times how good her baby was going to be, it would never cry and sleep through the night from day one! Who was I though to burst her bubble? Who was I to insist she keep all that talk for someone not struggling to conceive. I am her best friend! If she can't talk to me what's the point is being friends?

RJ it hurts like hell. I know it. Right up to yesterday I thought I was in with a chance but af turned up again this morning. I feel like shit.

I don't know the answer to coping with it other than my faith and taking it one day at a time but you are not alone. Feeling hurt and angry is ok but you cannot project it on others.

Regarding already being blessed with a dd...my mother now knows not to tell me to count my blessings anymore. She has said too many times when I was down that I should be grateful for my dd! AS IF I WASN'T!! She meant well of course but to imply that my hurt over loosing another baby meant I was dissatisfied with the child I already had was such an insult to the mother and woman I already am. My dd is my world but that doesn't stop me wanting to be a mother again. giving my dd siblings, giving my husband a biological child (he is not dds dad)

I could talk for hours. MN being the one place where it's ok to vent but I'll sign off now and wish you all the luck in the world.

Take care Smile

lelainapierce · 13/11/2011 09:24

You knew leaving it so late to have dcs would risk infertility, if it had been that important to you, you would have tried earlier. You have no right to be pissed off with your dsis, shes done nothing wrong.

RalphGnu · 13/11/2011 09:29

Shock Hmm

DownbytheRiverside · 13/11/2011 09:29

That's nasty, lelainapierce, we have no idea why the OP is having problems or for how long she's been trying. Angry

pigletmania · 13/11/2011 09:30

Raspberry you have every right to feel the way you do. My goodness I certainly felt it after 5 years of non conceiving and MC. With this one I started to bleed at 10 weeks, thought oh no here we go again. Why do some people have it so easy. Never say never. There is a lady on the conception board who at 42/43 is now 30 weeks pg with her first dc after years of infertility and MC. My mum is another one too, she was 42 when she had me. My friend who is 49, has a 6 year old dc and 4 year old.

CookieRookie · 13/11/2011 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

giraffesCantDookForApples · 13/11/2011 09:34

PaintYouByNumbers - your friend told you the baby she had miscarried had actually been twins and you say you don't want to know? I hope she has other "friends" to talk to?

531800000008 · 13/11/2011 09:34

blimmin eck lelainapierce, that is a really horrid thing to say

pigletmania · 13/11/2011 09:34

lelainapierce Shock how nasty! like others have said you do not have a clue about the op fertility history and are making general sweeping assumptions.

hels71 · 13/11/2011 09:35

I am in a similar situation to you. 40, one 4 year old due to IVF, a failed FET. We can not even begin to afford to try again. It hurts...it really really hurts.....and the failed cycle which was in Feb still makes me cry when I think about it..like now.
I hate people telling me to count my blessings....like I don't know how lucky I am....interestingly it is the three friends who have also had IVF who DON'T ever say that. When people talk about just having another maybe, it gets me so angry and upset because I can't.
You need to allow yourself time to grieve for the children you will/may not now have. It is perfectly Ok to feel angry, upset and frustrated. Yes your sister. friends and every one else is entitled to plan their families and talk about them and get excited...but there is no reason why they should expect you, so close to having failed cycles, to find it easy to be excited for them right now.
My youngest sister is 12 years younger than me, just married and just starting to plan children. Of course I am pleased for her and really hope all works as she wants...does not stop me crying because I can't plan and won't have more.
MAybe you ned a chat with your sister. Explain how you are excited that she wants more and you will get a new niece/nephew, but right now you need her to be a tiny bit sensitive and try to see how you feel. If you had a failed cycle ths week I am impressed you are even able to mention the word baby!
Sending hugs (((()))))

GinSlinger · 13/11/2011 09:36

fuck me - I hardly ever raise my head over the AIBU parapet but lelainapierce has made me a bit too cross for this early on a sunday. I hope you apologise for that nasty thing you said.

Panda1234 · 13/11/2011 09:37

I think it's a little bit inconsiderate of your sister, although it depends on circumstances. Most people, like Paint, wouldn't want to hear about miscarriages in great detail when they were pregnant. On the other side of the coin, women going through miscarriages and IVF really don't want to hear about other people's pregnancies/pregnancy plans.

OP, is your sister usually supportive about your IVF attempts and happy to let you vent? If she is, then it seems reasonable that you have to listen to what's going on in her life. If she isn't, then that's a bit different.