Inability to be happy for friends

[butternut80]

Does anyone have any advice of what I can do or perhaps offer some hope that things get better. I have been ttc for 16months now with no luck. DH is fine and apparently there is nothing wrong with me either- all bloods fine, early 30s, healthy, clockwork cycles etc etc. But in the meantime I have friends and family falling pregnant left right and centre. Even my bestest friend is pregnant and I find myself thinking awful bitter thoughts about things. However hard I try, it would seem I just can?t be happy for her. She knows our difficulties yet stills regularly emails me to let me know how big she is getting and all the kicking she is feeling. Rather than accept her excitement, I just feel like she is rubbing it in my face and it just makes me angry and upset.

In order to protect myself through my SiL ?s pregnancy, I did everything to avoid seeing them as I couldn?t cope with hearing about the morning sickness as I just sat there thinking you don?t know how lucky you are. Now they have had their baby , I have no interest in going to see them, I don?t ask DH how they?re getting on? I just don?t want to know as I find it too painful.. I have never been like this before; I know envy/jealousy are horrible traits and don?t help anyone least of all me but I just can?t seem to help it. I dread seeing friends because I worry they are going to tell me they are pregnant. I suppose my greatest fear is that if it never happens for us, I will end up becoming a bitter old hag who has no friends and who driven her husband towards a woman who can give him kids.

Am I truly an awful person or has anyone else felt like this before and if so how did you handle it??

Kalo - i've heard that before about surrounding yourself with babies. I wonder if it does work. I think I don't like being near them because I get this awful ache in my heart whenever I'm near them. But perhaps I need to immerse myself in it!

Butternut - it doesn't always get like this, honestly, especially not in Conception which is normally wonderfully gentle and supportive. I hope this hasn't put you off MN - it's a lovely place nearly all the time, honestly.

Kalo - I have wondered before whether hanging out with pregnant/nursing women would affect fertility, in the same way that women sharing a house often find that AF synchs up. I'm not suggesting it would unblock tubes or repair an actual physical problem, obviously, but I have wondered if all those hormones flying about could give some kind of slight boost. I have been told that being around lactating women increases the libido of other women... the theory, I believe, is that your body decides that if it's safe for them to have a baby (presumably based on the absence of wolves and the availability of food) then it's safe for you too. Somehow, however, my cod-science approach to this doesn't change my terrible of other people's pregnancy and babies.

I avoided all pg women while ttc and still managed to get pg (via IVF cos my tubes were blocked). No amount of cuddling newborns would have made a wit of difference and would have just caused me immense pain.

That's not to say some people can manage it and do, but please don't do it because you believe any old wives' tales about being around pg women helping you to get pg .

Cote wrote:

"It is patently untrue that you shouldn't expect to be fertile after 33.

"I had my first at 35 and my second at 38. Many of my friends had theirs at similar ages. The ones having serious problems with TTC are near or slightly over 40."

I hesitate to write this, in case it comes across as bragging or giving people false hope, but I struggled to conceive in my first marriage in my twenties, then had a m/c. I married again in my early thirties, had another m/c, struggled to conceive again, had another m/c, was in despair. Then I had DC1 aged 35, DC2 aged 37 and surprise pregnancy DC3 aged 43. I wonder whether there is such a thing as a "late bloomer" in pregnancy terms and, if so, whether I am one. My Mum told me that both her grandmothers had babies at 48!

I do find it so odd that I struggled so much to have babies in my twenties and early thirties but from my mid thirties on it was a completely different story. If you had told me when I was 33 that in ten years' time I'd have an unplanned third baby, I don't know whether I'd have laughed in your face or punched you in the face.

butternut your thread has brought back lots of memories, I felt the same way as you do for many, many years. It was dreadful. I do feel for you, and wish you - and everyone else - the very best of luck, and hope you get your dream.

Butternut, I hope you don't mind me posting but this thread came up in active. I was very lucky and didn't have problems conceiving so can only imagine how it awful it feels. I just wanted to say that any decent friend who became pregnant would understand that it's difficult for you and give you space if you needed it if you were experiencing difficult feelings. You can't help how you feel, feelings of jealously and sadness are completely understandable to anyone with any degree of empathy, even though they can never fully appreciate how you feel unless they have been in your position. I guess what I'm trying to say is that good friends will be there for you when you feel able to see/make contact with you again and will understand that you might need to stay away. Hopefully you will be the one announcing a pregnancy soon. This happened with a friend of mine - I had dreaded telling her I was pregnant as I knew she had been trying for years and I was lucky enough to become pregnant quite quickly and I didn't want to upset her. Happily her son was born six months after my dd.

I really hope you and all the other posters on the thread have the babies you want soon.

Please ignore stupid, she is unbelievable.

Dearest Butternut, I'm so sorry your first thread has ended up like this :(. I can say with utmost conviction that through this area of MN, I have met some of my dearest most loved friends. Apologies if that sounds very soppy from someone who is supposed to be no-nonsense. It is supportive, helpful, kind, funny, and just an utter lifeline. I'm so sorry that your thread asking for advice was taken over by something else, and I'm as guilty for anyone on that score. But really some things must not be ignored - the poster we have all taken exception to appeared to think that all of MN was like AIBU and she could say whatever she liked in, no matter how wrongheaded and cruel.

Please don't stop posting here.

Hear Hear.

I should have written "I'm as guilty AS anyone on that score."

Hello Boo, sweets.

Butternut I second the fact that the Conception board is usually a really nice place. I lurked on MN for ages before taking the plunge and joining up and I can honestly say that it has been a real source of support for me and I have met some very, very caring & kind people on here. Chatting to ladies on here who are in a similar position to me has really helped me deal with the TTC marathon.

I'm sorry that I too jumped in and fuelled the fire on the thread but I just felt too annoyed to ignore some of the comments. I really hope that you aren't put off coming back.

thank you.

butternut, Thank you. it is tough. my cousin is 30w pg with her 3rd, we were pg with our 1st at the same time, since then she has had another ds, got divorced and remarried. another cousin has had all 3 dc's removed for abuse, and is pg again. she had her 1st 6m before I had ds. Ive had 13 mc's in total and an ep. now its a caes of "meh". other peoples babies have never bothered me, their dc's arent a patch on the ones that I should have had. but I do still have days when I rage at the unfairness. yesterday was a good day, today is not. I hope that you continue to use mn, the conception boards are a lifesaver, and a great place to let off some steam, this thread is not indictive of the support you receive on here.
I cant apologise for the things I said to stupid though. sorry.

Can I also add that the Conception boards have opened up to me not just a wealth of funny, wise, potty mouthed TTC advice, but some true, dear friends. Butternut, i hope you'll hang around and find us. I wouldn't have been without it.

I also have no intention of apologising to Stupid, but I do regret that your thread became so unpleasant. Good luck old thing, and I hope to see you on the boards sometime.

bloofer oof! ;)

Oof to you too!

Stupid you are truly vile. For what it's worth, I have 3 children (am 33) with ex h (who turned out to be physically and emotionally abusive so I divorced him) and now am remarried to a wonderful man who is 24 and treats me like a princess. I got to 37 weeks pregnant in December last year and they found our daughter had died inside me. I gave birth to a dead baby and then buried her. I've also got PCOS and had 6 miscarriages. I didn't wait, it's not an age thing, my body just finds it hard to stay pregnant and we're now trying again and have been since as soon as we could after her birth.

I'm in awe of a lot of the women on here especially lissie . I've been lurking for a while but wasn't sure where on earth to post or which thread to join but I couldn't not comment here.

Please don't be so smug because you really don't know what can happen in your life.

Ooh actually I'm 32...33 this year, I think :s

So sorry for your awful loss Gherkins :(. What a thing to happen.

I have just read through this entire thread and I am. Now the one thing I like about mn is the lively debate and I have been involved in some bun fights. But I have always taken the view "its just words on a screen" and never let it rile me-until this thread!.
I am the luckiest person in the world because I have 3 beautiful dcs but I have also had to bury 3 baby boys and also had 3 msc. When I was losing my baies I hated pregnant women with a vengence. Had a close relative pregnant at the same time as me-all 3 times my boys died and hers lived and it made me .
I actually started out wanting to physically hurt stupid but now that am calming down am actually beginning to worry about her. I think someone who clearly has so little empathy for others and also so much arrogance may be bordering on sociopathic and therefore mentally ill.
Good luck to all those still tcc-never give up hope.

I have never forgotten that thread, gherkins, and i hope you don't mind that a stranger always remembers you and Scarlett.

butternut , I wish I didn't know so well how you feel. I also wish I had some helpful advice other than what you're already doing - act happy, then hang up and alternate between howls of anguish and gnawing the table in despair. I managed to tell a friend of mine why I was avoiding his insistent invitations to come round and meet his new baby (his second - how greedy!) and he was very understanding and backed off instantly, but I now worry that if I never conceive I will never manage to get back to proper friendship with him and his wife. Or that if I do conceive and get back in touch they will think I am somehow a fair weather shallow sort of friend. Possibly with good reason.

Sorry - what a gloomy note to end on!

Hi Butternut, just wanted to also respond to your original post, I think you've really hit the nail on the head about what is one of the hardest things about this whole horrible ttc lark. Your post could easily have been written by me, I've felt exactly the same about friends and SIL's pregnancies. (it'll be 4 yrs for us in sept, no whiff of a bfp and just had failed 1st round ivf). One of the hardest things for me was accepting it was happening at all, and seeing myself behave in ways i never could have imagined. Your thread is so helpful in that it shows just how many of us feel exactly the same way. For me I now get a grim sort of pleasure on the days that I 'conquer' those feelings - its takes a superhuman effort but is worth it for my nearest and dearest (I don't manage it for everyone unfortunately) and it does get easier with practice - achieving a serene state out of pure torture is surely something buddhists or something teach! I do find meditation and things like that really helpful, to consciously acknowledge those thoughts and replace them with positive ones. As I said, I can't always manage it though, so just try to forgive myself for the rest of the time.

Interestingly, I think the comments by *** have helped me. I stopped and thought about those who I have found difficulties with and I know without a shadow of a doubt that they would never have meant to harm me, or dreamt of saying some of things she did. Next time I find myself having trouble with this I think I will try to remind myself and how much I do love the people in my life and how great they are.

lissie massive ((hugs)) for you

Thank you Aries.

pink4ever I'm so sorry for your losses :( truly

PatientGriselda It's lovely that you remember, that's something that scares me, that she'll be forgotten :( It means a lot, thank you. I'm sorry for you and hope you conceive soon, I can see how all encompassing it can be and I have children already (I'm incredibly lucky I'm aware) so I can only imagine how much harder it must be for you and I hope it happens soon. I always think that, although I'm happy for a friend or family member being pregnant, I'm sad for me. Not sad that they're pregnant but sad that I'm not. It just brings it home yet again. I hope that makes sense!

Butternut I must admit that I find it difficult to be completely happy for friends who are pg - and I've only been TTC for a month! (Been waiting to TTC for a lot longer though).

Obviously, I try to hide it, act delighted etc. But the feeling of "when is it going to be meeee" is always there.

Tbh I don't think it's realistic to try to get rid of any trace of jealousy. It will be there. But you just have to hoik the delighted smile up again and express your best wishes....

Don't even know where to begin re: a certain poster who is clearly incapable of imagining herself in someone else's position, and has very little knowledge about the causes of difficulty in TTC.

gherkins Please don't despair - at 32, you are nowhere near age related infertility problems!

Re "my body just finds it hard to stay pregnant" - Have you already followed blood thinning treatments like aspirin and heparin?

Butternut - you are perfectly normal to feel the way you do. I tried for 4.5 yrs to conceive and during that time my SIL fell pregnant and I cried my eyes out when I heard. Then my first IVF ended in a chemical pregnancy and on the day I got the test results back I got an email from an old friend saying she'd 'accidentally' fallen pregnant. I was devistated and wrote the nastiest email back to her. Luckily I didn't send it! I then had to force myself to go to her wedding when she was 4 months pregnant.

Chin up, things wil get better.