Inability to be happy for friends

[butternut80]

Does anyone have any advice of what I can do or perhaps offer some hope that things get better. I have been ttc for 16months now with no luck. DH is fine and apparently there is nothing wrong with me either- all bloods fine, early 30s, healthy, clockwork cycles etc etc. But in the meantime I have friends and family falling pregnant left right and centre. Even my bestest friend is pregnant and I find myself thinking awful bitter thoughts about things. However hard I try, it would seem I just can?t be happy for her. She knows our difficulties yet stills regularly emails me to let me know how big she is getting and all the kicking she is feeling. Rather than accept her excitement, I just feel like she is rubbing it in my face and it just makes me angry and upset.

In order to protect myself through my SiL ?s pregnancy, I did everything to avoid seeing them as I couldn?t cope with hearing about the morning sickness as I just sat there thinking you don?t know how lucky you are. Now they have had their baby , I have no interest in going to see them, I don?t ask DH how they?re getting on? I just don?t want to know as I find it too painful.. I have never been like this before; I know envy/jealousy are horrible traits and don?t help anyone least of all me but I just can?t seem to help it. I dread seeing friends because I worry they are going to tell me they are pregnant. I suppose my greatest fear is that if it never happens for us, I will end up becoming a bitter old hag who has no friends and who driven her husband towards a woman who can give him kids.

Am I truly an awful person or has anyone else felt like this before and if so how did you handle it??

this is stupid (good name for you by the way) I suggest you get off this thread. The OP is looking for support its not 'am I being unreasonable'.

OP, this was just like me when I was trying to conceive DS, it brought out the very worst in me and I really struggled to be happy for pregnant friends and actually started to avoid people too. I don't have any words of wisdom because the only thing that actually helped me was eventually getting preganant - but I had all the same thoughts you're having about how I would end up bitter and lonely. I think if the worst did come to the worst (and you are very long way off that) then it probably would require counselling to come to terms with because it is a loss. I do think people are being insensitive when they moan about pregnancy and really should think about who might be listening. All the morning sickness, backache etc - none of it was as bad as the misery of failing to conceive.

Sorry I can't offer more practical advice, but if its any help I do think what you are feeling is very normal and you are not in any way a bad person for thinking and behaving as you are.

thisisstupid why are you posting on here? Butternut I think those feelings are unavoidable. I had a mc with first pregnancy and I remember it seeming as if everyone else was either pregnant or had just given birth. Very, very hard. Not sure what advice to give - I was lucky because I got pregnant again soon after and now have two dcs. I have to say my experience made me very sensitive about who I told and what I said to people about the pregnancies as you never know what other people are going through. I really hope you have some luck soon - I certainly don't think you should be despairing just yet, you are still quite young (right side of 40) and don't have any obvious problems. A friend of mine has recently conceived naturally while undergoing IVF (if that makes sense). It seems all she needed were a few hormone injections to give her a bit of a boost. Stay positive and don't listen to thisisstupid - her name is obviously shosen to describe her posts!

Thisisstupid, two well chosen words for you:

FUCK OFF.

Your crassness, cruelty, rudeness and insensitivity apparently know no bounds. You are not welcome here. Don't you get it?

Tbh thisisstupid if that's how you really feel.about your friends they're probably better off without your friendship.

I went through something similar. From my own mother telling me to just get on with it because she would have (she didnt really want kids) to now being really excited about the forthcoming birth which irritates me like she has a right after the hurt caused. I couldnt be around kids under a year old for a long time. I actually explained to people and avoided being in the situation that was so difficult. If they have a problem with that then perhaps distancing yourself from them is the best idea.

One of my friends posted a scan pic on facebook and I cried then pulled it together and congratulated her. My mum on the other hand rang every day to tell me how excited hse was that xyz was pregnant and that people arent going to put their lives on hold for me. I didnt expect them to but its not unreasonable to ask NOT to be told every little detail when you are hurting so much.

when I was going through a few weeks of waiting to see if I was actually able to have kids after a serious op I couldnt look at anyone who had a pushchair or who shouted at their kids. It made my blood boil.

My advice is explain how you feel and if they dont back off then distance yourself. And dont give up. good luck OP.

I think what eurochick posted at the very beginning of this thread is the best advice.

I used to feel jealous of other people for all sorts of reasons and one day I had a revelation: just because this is happening to someone else doesn't make it any more or less likely to happen to me (ie there is not a finite amount of pregnancy around).

I know it can be very hard when you are ttc (or having miscarriages) and others seem to get pregnant easily and I think it can be wise to hide your head in the sand for a bit until you feel a bit stronger, but feeling jealous is not a constructive feeling. You may feel like you don't have much control over this feeling, but you do.

You will get there in the end - best of luck to you.

butternut I don't have a problem conceiving, however have alot of problems sustaining a pregnancy which has resulted in me suffering from 4 miscarriages in a row within a year and a half. I know exactly how you are feeling. I can relate to how you want to avoid pregnant women. I've cut out and have withdrawn myself from social circles so I don't have to talk about pregnancies or babies; it is just too painful.
I don't like reading about celebrities having their perfect little pregnancies with perfect children at the end - it just makes me feel sick. I've never told anyone this, but I cried when I read about Mariah Carey having her twins. It's so stupid because I don't know this woman, but the fact she had not one, but two children and was happy in her rich little life just pushed me over the edge. I feel ashamed of that, but it's what recurrent miscarriages has done to me.

Having read the comments from stupid it makes me think exactly how ignorant some women can get. I always say this, and I will say it again - unless you have had problems conceiving or have had miscarriages, you can never understand what a woman is feeling. It is incomprehensible for them. There is often no subtlety or compassion in their use of words. I've had women with children telling me that I need to pray more, or be thankful I have one at least (my dd), or give me looks of horror and tell me "Oh, I didn't know you were having problems" and change the subject, like I am diseased. The favourite one is "Oh it's happened for a reason, lucky it happened earlier than later". All these words spin around in my head and it's no wonder I build up a defence against pregnant women or women with more than one child.

Don't feel bad butternet, you're not an awful person, you are just an unhappy person right now and you are not the first person to have felt like this. There's plenty of us out there. I wish you luck with everything

Fuck the fuck off, thisisstupid. And when you get there, fuck off again.

More productively - OP, I know how you feel. Please don't castigate yourself. It's a very visceral, real emotion that you can only begin to understand if you have been through it - or, unlike some, have a grain of human empathy and compassion. I have no wise words but want you to know you're not alone, you're not 'bad', and I'm rooting for you.

In case you've come back stupid, do fuck off again please?

OP, I've been there. It's shit, and so hard to be brave. Luckily for me all the friends I froze out forgave me, and I'm sure your friends will do the same. I'm rooting for you too. (and you too, blooferlady and Aries)

I hope it is OK for me to post here (it came up on active posts) as i am not ttc and only struggled to concieve (for over 12m but not years so i know I can't try to understand that part although I can only imagine it must make it much harder) with my final child. BUT I had a very hard time in pregnancy and felt very simelar after losing a child after 20 weeks for the 2nd time and also early miscarriages. I was consumed with those feelings and hated going out and facing people who were pregnant and felt they were rubbing my face in it. It was so painful that i would feel sad the whole day-and longer- after seeing friend's babies or scan pics. I would try avoid them but if I did see them I would congratulate them etc but then bawl on the way home. It is not something you can control. I wouldn't feel bad at all in any way as it isn't your fault at all.

A good friend would realise that it must be horrible watchign everyone else get what you are trying so hard for. I had one 'friend' who announced her pregnancy in the same phone call i told her that sadly DD was stillborn. I don't bother with her now. These feelings did get better for me after I had another baby which I know I am very lucky BUT even now listening to other mums being pregnant etc is hard as they seem to take it for granted so much and are so naive and it is hard when they complain all the time. I feel like screaming that it could be very much worse. Anyway i know I can't understand exactly but I think those types of feelings are normal and no one should feel bad at all for having them. Ignore the ignorant and stupid poster who has no idea and also cannot empathise whatsoever.

Hi Butternut - you feel how you feel and me telling you how I feel or rationalising the behaviour of others probably won;t make you feel better. For me I don;t get jealous as I simply think that it's their baby not my baby. It could never be my baby so it takes nothing away from me.

Try to assume no ill intent from your friends. In my experience pregnant women (well a lot it seems) go in to a little bubble of happiness and seem/are self centred call it hormones/survival strategy, whatever. I've had the pleasure of sitting through conversations about the importance of having kids before 30 and the wisdom of having two in case one isn't able to look after you in old age whilst people know I'm late 30's and have none! People are thoughtless often, malicious less so.

I may be missing something, but Im not sure what thisisstupid said that was so awful. the way to deal with other people getting pregnant is to detach yourself from it. they havent stolen your pregnancy and are probably picking up on your feelings about it.

maybe you should tell them, when they are being insensitive, "look, Im having some problems conceiving, and am having a shitty time dealing with it. im really happy for you, but I dont want to ruin this for you, can we discuss something else please? I hope you dont mind" one of the biggest problems with fertility issues is the fact that its still relatively taboo.

What she said that was so awful was:
a) implying that people who had problems conceiving had left it too late and therefore it was their own fault really,
b) that she would "probably hate to be infertile"
b) the implication that the OP's friends would probably dump her if she didn't buck her ideas up
and c) that she had dumped her "infertile" friends because they didn't make her feel good about her taking them shopping for maternity clothes etc.
The whole tenor of her posts were completely insensitive, cruel and lacking in empathy and I am mystified as to why she chose to come on here and say such things, not once but three times.

The OP came on here for support from women who have been through the same. There is no way I would go onto Relationships and advise a woman who had been left by her husband that she was probably crap in bed or something, look at it from his point of view. And she should buck up before her friends dump her. This is not AIBU - you don't go onto a thread merely to stir.

Totally agree with Ariesgirl. It was very offensive.

I was so wound up when typing that I wrote two b's. Sorry. I do know my alphabet really :)

I am really not one who yells "OFFENSIVE!!!!" every time someone says/writes something I disagree with, but stupidwoman or whatever her name was, really really was.

What Aries said. Absolutely staggering lack of empathy. And incredible stupidity, actually. I hope the OP is OK.

"But i decided to have my children young so i don't fall into that trap. It's silly to get so worked up over it that you end up making yourself feel so horrible"

thisisstupid I am absolutely lost for words. Your judgemental and dismissive attitude to women who are suffering something you admittedly have no experience of whatsoever is gobsmacking and I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling absolutely enraged and insulted by you comments. There are women on MN who have started trying in their early twenties and still haven't been able to conceive for years. To say we have brought it on ourselves because we're all past our sell by date and you've been so clever to not "fall into that trap" is offensive and factually incorrect. I'm young, healthy with apparently nothing medically wrong, and in a happy marriage and after 18 months and three miscarriages, no baby. In all your wisdom would you like to explain to women like me how we could have avoided "falling into that trap"?

As for it being silly to get worked up about it - if you have never had to try for pregnancy and take it so totally for granted, how can you possibly judge how it affects another person? I'm sure if you hadn't been able to conceive your children after a couple of years of trying you would be feeling pretty 'worked up'.

I think the friends who you've cut out of your life have had a lucky escape, frankly.

I'll hold my hand up as someone else who went a bit crazy while TTC. I really didn't like myself when I was so jealous, but I didn't seem to be able to stop myself. In retrospect, I think it would have been helpful to admit that it is normal to feel that way when going through infertility, and not to have beaten myself up so badly.

I dealt with it by becoming a very good actress. I would smile and nod a lot and blank out what they were saying, and then go home and sob. We had kept our infertility very private, so friends didn't realise that it might have been painful for us. In the same way, you don't have to open all your friend's emails. Could you ask your husband to read them and delete them if they are solely baby-related? You could always have a standard, "that's lovely, it must be so exciting!" reply - no need to read about exactly what is so exciting.

Have you spoken to your husband, by the way? I have a tendancy to brush stuff under the carpet, but it really is best to get your fears out in the open. After all, he married you, not a walking womb. It's stressful enough, without stressing about your marriage breaking up too. :(

I am in your position, though I have not had MCs and I am so sorry at what you've been through. I am 31, in the pink of health, have been happily married 11 years, and have had not a sniff of a diff in 18 months. Recently a friend got pregnant after 4 months of 'not even trying', to someone she has known for 10 months. She has shown not one iota of understanding as to how I might feel, and in fact keeps emailing me for pregnancy advice (which clearly I cannot give). That an old and dear friend can be so blind to how I might feel has been a real shock.

:( Bloofer.

Any developments on that score? Did you email her back?

Thanks BlooferLady Sorry you are also going through it. It is just the worst isn't it - I could never have imagined how sad and frankly obsessed TTC could make me. It's taken over my entire life.

It's reassuring to hear that so many of us are going through the same private emotions that are too raw and 'unacceptable' to admit in RL - we're all having a normal reaction to something that is f*cking awful and depressing.

We will all get there I'm sure - it's just taking its sweet time!!

I dont know ariesgirl, I read it differently. that she felt that her friends who were struggling to concieve made her feel guilty for being pregnant, and she made the point that its also hard to be fertile when your friends are not. Ive lost friends because of my infertility, they simply found it too difficult to be around me and never knew what to say. they felt that they couldnt enjoy their pregnancy or get excited about it because I was there sobbing and glaring in equal measure.

and fwiw, I still have days now where I throw tantrums about friends getting pregnant, but on the whole its easier to deal with now than it was when we had only been ttc a year. which is odd.

:( Lissie.

It's all a pile of cack and no mistake. I know from other threads you have had a really, really tough time and I wish you the very best.