Inability to be happy for friends

[butternut80]

Does anyone have any advice of what I can do or perhaps offer some hope that things get better. I have been ttc for 16months now with no luck. DH is fine and apparently there is nothing wrong with me either- all bloods fine, early 30s, healthy, clockwork cycles etc etc. But in the meantime I have friends and family falling pregnant left right and centre. Even my bestest friend is pregnant and I find myself thinking awful bitter thoughts about things. However hard I try, it would seem I just can?t be happy for her. She knows our difficulties yet stills regularly emails me to let me know how big she is getting and all the kicking she is feeling. Rather than accept her excitement, I just feel like she is rubbing it in my face and it just makes me angry and upset.

In order to protect myself through my SiL ?s pregnancy, I did everything to avoid seeing them as I couldn?t cope with hearing about the morning sickness as I just sat there thinking you don?t know how lucky you are. Now they have had their baby , I have no interest in going to see them, I don?t ask DH how they?re getting on? I just don?t want to know as I find it too painful.. I have never been like this before; I know envy/jealousy are horrible traits and don?t help anyone least of all me but I just can?t seem to help it. I dread seeing friends because I worry they are going to tell me they are pregnant. I suppose my greatest fear is that if it never happens for us, I will end up becoming a bitter old hag who has no friends and who driven her husband towards a woman who can give him kids.

Am I truly an awful person or has anyone else felt like this before and if so how did you handle it??

Thisisstupid you are either seriously intellectually challenged or actually trying to be hurtful to women at their lowest ebb. I have made the point before but A LOT OF FERTILITY PROBLEMS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH AGE - they are simply unexplained (apologies for the shouting but ffs - get the point). You have absolutely no insight into this - please, please just get off this thread.

Blaming us for our own "lack of planning" may make you feel superior to your friends having fertility issues and all of us, but it doesn't make it true and it shows absolutely no understanding of the complexities involved. Do you seriously think that any of us would wait to have a child for another five years in the situation we are in? You really must be stupid to throw comments like that around.

I do have sympathy for your medical problems, and of course problems in pregnancy must be very frightening, but I can totally understand why your friends don't want to support you with your complete lack of empathy and total self-centredness.

It sounds like you want people to validate you, so here you are: well done you. You have everything you could ever want. Congratulations. If only you had the good grace to realise how lucky you are and not to be judgemental and cruel to other women who aren't in your fortunate position.

And as for why we don't all f-off and adopt? I suggest you look into the process involved in that and get back to me as to whether that's really such an easy option. Not only is it complicated but fraught with stress and heartbreak of other kinds, which friends who have been through it can attest. When you get pregnant so easily you have no idea the issues you have to start confronting when that doesn't happen.

Just go away.

By the way thisisstupid some of the people you are calling 'angry' and 'bitter' on this thread are the very people who have been truly kind and supportive during my pregnancy.

They have never ever made me feel bad that I managed to get pregnant and hang on to the pregnancy. Because they are fucking LOVELY people. I really hope that I didn't ever make things feel worse for them, but I can completely understand anyone thinking 'why not me?' rather than 'hooray for her' as their first reaction. Because I've thought it myself.

You have always got pregnant easily. That is LUCK. It isn't because you did something clever. If you don't want to give your friends a break then fine, your call. But you can give MY friends a break. Please do.

lissie that sounds so tough. I wish I could say something useful. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Thank you bloofer, tbh I don't care anymore how many friends have babies. So many have come and gone. What I do resent is the assumption that its my own fault.

Thisisstupid, may I suggest that if you dislike women moaning about IF you avoid conceptiion

Hi Butternut, I had to post because I read yours and it was like reading about myself. I felt all those things and felt very very guilty. Over the 3 years it took to conceive, my best friend and both my sisters-in-law plus many other friends conceived, some twice in that time, and all within a couple of months of trying or by accident. Some were not happy about being pregnant and these were the hardest to be around. I reduced contact with my best friend during her 1st pregnancy as it was just so so painful. But I did go and visit her in Germany when the baby was born, and I'm so glad i did as despite the pain it was so amazing to feel such a connection and love for this child.

Anyway just wanted you to know that you are not a bad person for feeling angry, bitter or jealous. You are a normal person going through a very hard time. I also want to say that you won't always feel like this. I genuinely managed to get myself to a point where I believed that whatever happened with regards to conceiving, my life was going to be great. Focus on yourself, get as healthy and fit as you can, do things you love doing, remember who you were before this consumed your life. There are always easier and harder days but you will get through them all.

God, I was thinking about thisisstupid's astonishing crassness and insensitivity while I was away over the weekend and wondering how someone could be so blind to others' pain. I have come back to find that her early posts were the tip of the iceberg of her unpleasantness. thisisstupid - I don't normally say stuff like this, but please go fuck yourself and fuck off while you're doing it.

And, thisisstupid, your comments have just highlighted how much ignorance surrounds IF, how little has changed over the years. We need to raise awareness not accept halftruths

And just to add to what I've said, it was not easy to get to that point, mentally, as I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember, and it took 4 years to get DH to even agree to try for a baby. I and many many other know just how you are feeling, and are with you all the way.

I was going to tell you not to be so passive aggressive. People like you are cvruel and rude then play the "language" card, but you are a smug cunt. Fuck off.

Stupid your last comment is lovely. Thanks for reminding us all that you are having a child. Perhaps being in labour will keep you quiet.

thisisstupid : I really pity your children and your unborn child. You are a despicable person. You cannot possibly have the range of skills and emotions it takes to make a good mother. But I suspect that deep down, YOU KNOW that you are a pretty shit person and mother, given the fact you've been bragging about having kids etc on this kind of threat. Your insecurity shines through.

I'll say it again, I pity your children.

Do you actually like hurting people?

I'm quite stunned really. Perhaps now you feel like you have made a suitably crass dramatic exit you will leave this thread alone.

Your advice wasn't strictly 'asked for'. The OP asked if anyone else had ever felt as she did (which she was beating herself up about) and how they coped if they did/had felt that way.

You admit you have no experience here. And you quite obviously can't manage to get anywhere close to empathy. So please go and be smug elsewhere.

Ach, well. When you're this ignorant, foolish, immature, unwise, crass, unpleasant, insensitive, hurtful, spiteful, malicious and calamitously stupid, there's a good chance your husband will seek comfort elsewhere and your children will despise you.

Karma, innit.

I most certainly hope that none of your children ever experiences fertility problems as you will be no help at all to them.

Thisisstupid gosh, poor you, how awful to be in labour. How lucky we all are that we don't have to feel the terrible pain you are in. What a martyr, you're my hero.

Oh, hang on, I would give anything to be in your position. Oh well.

Way to stick the knife in. What an awesome parting shot. You sure showed us. You win. Well done.

The fact you are bitching on MN while in labour rather than marvelling at what you are going through really does show the extent of your complacency. Mind blowing.

I very much hope you have an easy labour and a healthy child. Why don't you just focus on your own luck and happiness, count your blessings and leave the rest of us the f*ck alone - PLEASE.

It's often perhaps worth remembering that, in some cases, those who are pregnant may too have had a hard time conceiving - we don't know what goes on in other people's lives.

I have two DDs. DD1 (5) was conceived first month of trying. DD2 (15 months) - well, I had no problem conceiving, but kept miscarrying very early on. Took about two years on and off, but it happened in the end. I used to feel very jealous of people with more than one child. I can only imagine how hard it must be ttc your first.

Good luck.

:o Sunny

Unfortunately it seems empathy is a trait one is born with and it can't be taught. FWIW I don't believe that Stupid is in labour right now- I also don't believe that life is as happy for her as she makes out - otherwise why would she get her kicks from upsetting women who are already having a difficult time?

I've also been on both sides of this coin. Like Euro, I'm always at my most irrational on the first day of my period - and then I pick myself up (with the help of some of the fantastic women on this thread usually) and start again. Don't be put off by Seriouslystupidwithanobviousagendaanddesiretokickpeoplewhenthey'redown, dear Butternut. There are far more women on here who can and do want to listen, be supportive, and offer advice.

Does that make you feel better thinking i'm a bad mum and my husband will leave me. You can't really comment on my abilities as a mother as it's something you have yet to experince. Well if it helps you get through the day although its kind of sad that your life has been reduced to this. It just shows how bitter and twisted infertility has made you so whilst you wallow i'm going to go and enjoy my life.

May also be worth remembering that secondary infertility is the primary type in women in their 30's. Labour is what fucked up my chances of having another child. I would wish you luck, but I can't with any sincerity.

I'm not sure labour can be described as 'enjoying life'... Certainly isn't how I remember it!

Please do. I look forward to pointing you to this thread in a few years,

I'm not bitter and twisted, thisisstupid - I just know a vicious little cunt when I see one. HTH.

Bloofer

PLEASE DO GO AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE THIS THREAD ALONE!!!!

And you can fucking stop with all the 'mother' thing. I am also a mother. I have 2 kids. It has not turned me into a selfish, cruel harpy as far as I know ...but this is not about those who can conceive v those who can't. It's about YOU being incredibly fucking NASTY! You don't need to do this. You are choosing to. Before you glory in how fucking wonderful you are perhaps you should question WHY you want to trample on the feelings of people who are feeling shit????

And for the record it is absolute fucking proof that you are Not Nice that you made bloof come out with such vitriol. She is a bloody lovely, kind and generous person. Who you goaded. For no real readon other than because you could. Well done you.

Oh Gin, It means so much that you understand and care about us so much. You remind me that that creature is thankfully a rarity...