Emmsys weebling onwards and upwards into summer.

[VJay]

Here we are a new spruced up greenhouse

I posted that in case i lost it, it was quite cathartic to write it down .. So much has been going rothrough my head, does Summer know? She is being extra loving and keeps hugging. and kissing me bless her, but has also had a few unexplainable grizzles, you know how they say babies can pick these things up? Also what went wrong? What happened with our treatment? Was it cos we went elsewhere? Was it cos it was at 6wks as opposed to 4wks with Summer? Was it cos I've done lots this last few wks when with Summer i was practically on bedrest? Also I've been trying to work out exactly when it happened, sonographer reckons a few days ago.. Can't help wondering if Summer is just truly a miracle and nothing to do with the treatment, or was it just that something was really wrong with this baby that couldn't be prevented by the treatment either way? So many unaswerable questions and what ifs.. Keep thinking that my nuchal bloods should be next wk on the 4th and my scan on the 11th, things like i should be 7m at Christmas, and now i have another edd to get through on feb 25th.. Thankfully we have our holiday to look forward to in 8wks, but was first family holiday with Summer, and first holiday since our honeymoon that hadn't beenbooked to 'get over' a miscarriage as was the case with our last 3, it was just meant to be our first holiday as a family, poignant as the same place we went after the 2nd loss, and where we concieved the 3rd. Was so special thinking not only are we goin back with Summer, but with an unexpected bump too, was gonna be pregnant and proud in my bikini, now ill just be fat, as I've already got a big bump, id lost loads of weight but spose being my 6th pregnancy in 4yrs i just popped out..

The things that go through your head eh? However the most crucial decision of all is what to do now, wait, or have a D and C? Yesterday Dh and I were leaning toward waiting, however only had 1 horrific natural miscarriage, the first one, ended up in an ambulance, put on morphine and had to have speculum to get it out as was stuck in my cervix. All others were DandC but did need 2 for third one as some was left. . However they were the quickest recovery, and then you have closure. If i wait,, it could take weeks before i even start bleeding and could still result in a. Dand C, i read someone's description of feeling like a walking coffin, just having to wait.. My fear of D and c is having an invasive procedure and general anaesthetic now I've got Summer to think of, as well as spending a day in hospital and organising all that, when I've never actually left Summer longer than a couple of hrs before ..
Just so horrible to be having to make these decisions again. I won't lie its definitely easier to bear now. we have Summer thank god, before there was the awful fear and desperation that we d never be parents, thank god for our precious miracle gorgeous blessing,, just wanna squeeze her tight and never let go.. Feel bad tgat i had mixed emotions about it not just. being us anymore and was i ready to not just dedicate all my time and attention toher and her alone, of course now i feel awful for having those feelings and as I'm looking at her now I'm thinkong. how very sad that she's notgonna get to be a big sis in 30wks

4ever :( as I said in my text yesterday, I just feel so so sad for you and want to cry :( I feel awful for being so blasé about how you'd definitely get to your booking in appointment :( I'm so sorry. I can't believe this is happening to you again it's so so unfair.

Know exactly what you mean about feeling like a 'walking coffin'; it's one of the worst parts of it- being in limbo and not being able to start moving on yet :(
So sorry you have to make horrible decisions now about what to do. Only you can know in your heart what is the right thing but read other people's experiences on here, do a search and you can find loads of useful old threads.

I know you can't help all the questions in your head, but whatever the reason is, this just wasn't meant to be this time. As we always say, life is so full of light and shade.

You and your dh are so so strong to have come through all this together.
By the time your holiday comes round you will be beginning to heal.

Just massive hugs to you lovely xxx

MLS lovely to see you post again but so sorry about poor little Kitty :( hope you're doing ok.

Vjay fellow worrier.. you know we all admire you as an amazing mum. Try not to worry about Ajay too much. My brother and my cousin didn't talk until they were 3 and it didn't do them any harm whatsoever :)

The greenhouse feels sombre today...I'm going to put the kettle on and plump up this special pink beanbag for 4ever and Summer xxx

Oh 4ever I feel for you soooooo much. That's one of the horrible things about mc, the not knowing why.
I take it you are not bleeding or anything? I was bleeding with both mine that's how I knew, had a d&c with the first and natural with the second, both over with quickly thankfully. There is always medical management where you take tablets, but I've never done that so can't really comment. Xxxxx

4ever As you know there are no answers and you will drive yourself insane but we all ask "why" when it happens, it's all part of the grieving process. As for what happens next only you can decide, but as you've already pointed out the one natural m/c you had turned into a very traumatic conclusion although that's not to say it would be the same again. A D&C would be over much quicker and although you've never left Summer for any amount of time I'm sure she would cope and be brave and strong for you. It sounds as if she's been picking up on the vibes and giving extra cuddles, Summer is a miracle but that doesn't mean she will be the only one my lovely. Massive hugs to you all x x x

Oh and I found this and thought of you

'An Angel wrote in the book of life, my baby's date of birth. Then whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for Earth'

cupcake thanks lovely and I'll have a cuppa

Hi Buddha that was so poignant

But I'm a nice way I meant to say there x

In a nice way!!!!!

Sorry 4ever I totally cocked it up there!

I love that little phrase buddha.

Vjay, would you also like a mini bakewell tart left over from dh's birthday? I need to stop scoffing them holiday diet didn't last long!!!

Hey Cupcake and VJay thankfully I don't like bakewells so you can "scoff" away
Are you feeling a little better today Vjay?
Cupcake How's the lovely J? Are you tired of retrieving him from all the places he shouldn't be yet?

I'm off work today with Ewan as he's really poorly, not shifted the ear infection and got antibiotics yesterday, temp has been just over 39 all night and now the anti-b's are giving him diarrohea, poor little buglet Doesn't want to eat but seems to be managing to "force" down chocolate buttons

buddha forgot to say sorry about poor little E's ear :( sounds horrible but HOORAY for finally having an appointment for consultant :)
Poor thing suffering today though, and at forcing down buttons.
Sorry I couldn't tempt you with bakewells...I also have some peanut butter and white chocolate cakes...that do anything for you??

Oh and thankfully J is doing much better thanks, has bounced right back after 4 days of screaming! But yes, I am constantly chasing him round now...I was when he was crawling anyway though he just falls down a lot more now!!

Also forgot to say lbm YAY to babybelle walking too :)

Oop, seems the boy has woken up, end of my MN time!

Buddha that made me cry.

4ever I'm sure there are loads of questions in your head right now but please try not to think yourself round the bend. I'm sure it wasn't anything you did or didn't do that caused your mc. Only you can decide which option to take now, have they told you when you might be able to go & have an erpc if that's the route you want to take?

I'm so upset, I was all geared up for dd2 to have her mri scan on Fri & they have just called me to say they can't get an anesthetist & because her consultant is away we are going to have to wait until the 25th Aug with a lump the size of a tennis ball on her neck. It started swelling three weeks ago & I had many trips to the gp/a&e/various specialists & the outcome is that it's something called a cystic hygroma which is a birth defect. It's growing all the time & I dread to think how big it will be in another four weeks. Unbelievably this is private treatment rather than NHS. I just don't know what to do.

4ever wish we could all be there with you, crying, cuddling you and empathising with you in the horrible, horrible post-scan pre what-option-do-you-take limbo land.

I am so utterly bereft for you again as it brings back all the memories of your previous four losses and tarnishes your new memories and holiday plans... BUT you are still going to Cyprus as a family, Summer will be there in her cuter than cute swimsuit, you will go for lovely relaxing evening walks in your summer clothes whilst Summer sleeps in her pram, walking along the shoreline as a family. That is worth its weight in gold.

FWIW I have had both natural and ERPC and would absolutely go for latter. I felt my body was 'mine' again the minute I woke up, DS1 came to visit me in hospital (he was 2.5 we told him I had a sore tummy)which helped me emormously as I was reminded that I had a precious living baby already and I was only in one night. I've only heard bad stories re: medical management in that it can be painful, drawn out and ERPC sometimes needed anyway...

I've always had theories re: mc in that can some people (myself included) only have one gender? The Lesley Reagan book talks about the term (I think its translocation) which she explains faulty genes can be there but say it's in the man's X chromosone it would only be apparent if the embryo is a girl so the couple can have four healthy boys but also suffer 3 mc. The heartbreaking and frustrasing thing is we never know 99% of the time... I hope you will meet your treatment people and are given the opportunity to ask lots and lots of questions...

MLS - I am so very and at what you are going through with Kitty.. As you are private can you demand another private hospital see you sooner? can't imagine how enraged and upset you are by all this.

Sending hugs to us all as I know whever any of us suffers a loss, it brings back painful memories for the rest xxxxx

Oh ladies what would i do without you? You're so special.. Please let me apologize for not yet replying to your wonderful tx, when they have meant sooooo much in a way you will never know .. Trust me when i say ive been hanging onto every word of each tx and post and buddha that was so beautiful it made me cry, ill remember that always and take. comfort from it..

I have decided to go for the erpc and its booked for monday, the soonest they can do it, absolutely the right choice for us..

Blue haven't felt able to talk to anyone but mustered the strength to speak to MIL just now (mainly to arrange looking after Summer on monday) but she also mentioned about not being able to carry boys, and Dh and I said the same thing yesterday, I'm gonna ask if its possible to tell me my little angels sex on monday and definitely mention it to my consultant..

Barbie my lovely i won't lie, there will inevitably be moments i will find hard when i hoped to hold your hand to the end, but absolutely do not feel bad to share every second of your magical journey and I'm still holding your hand to the very end and for every wobble and every joy, we are all in this together mrs.. Oh and your tx wasn't insensitive at all, how were you to know? That goes for you too cupcake nothing blase about being optimistic, one of us needed to be, you've always been nothing but thoughtful and lovely, just like all you very special souls...

Mls thank you for coming back with your kind words and sorry to hear about your worries with poor little Kitty..

Again I'm sorry to not post to you all when you've taken such time and found such lovely words of comfort for me, I'm just so drained and numb still, I've been on auto pilot today but my brain is getting more frazzled by the second so i will sign off for now.
. xxxxxx

4ever how are you doing? I've been a little scared to post if truth be known, I know how hard it must be for you reading anything I write...I don't know what to write...
For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing by going in Monday, I tried to do it the natural way and 4 weeks later I still had to go through the medical management route which ended up in hospital. I felt then that I had drawn an already much to painful experience out by a further 4 weeks which meant it took me even longer to heal and 'get over' ( not that you can ever get over it but you know what I mean)

Oh and my mum couldn't carry boys, mc twice and later found out it was boys. I was meant to get a test done a few years back but never did and ended up having a mc, I also believe it was a boy and my body just couldn't cope.

Mls and Buddha, I'm just in shock at how badly you have both been treated on the nhs, I just can't believe the wait that you are both having to endure. I shall cherish the little blue plastic card I have and never moan about having to wait a mere 24 hours for an appointment ever again. I wish both your babies a speedy recovery.

I can't do faces on this new iPad? I can't find the brackets!

Vjay, I think I might of missed you wobbling about ajay? Something about lack of speech? Or am I barking up the wrong tree? A friend of mine had a little boy who didn't speak until nearly 4, every test going, speech therapy, the works. End of first term at preschool and he won't keep quiet. I hope this is the case for you, you are a great mum by the way!

I haven't been around much, so much to do here. Didn't realize how bad my mum was she is just out of hospital after 3 and a bit weeks, I have had to do so much for her, not that I'm complaining but it's hard work. Both mum and dad have been brill with dolly though so it has evened out. We move to dh parents next week and I intend to rest a bit (wink)

We had a few days of panic last week, while staying at the caravan I suffered a bleed and really bad cramping, as I'm not a resident no body could help me,the nhs refused to scan so we ended up booking a private scan which we can only get next week at the earliest. Thankfully a family friend works for the nhs and managed to blag me 10mins with a midwife, who only had a doppler on hand, she told me at 11 weeks she wouldn't hear anything, so I was gutted. She did say that if she didn't she would have to book a scan so we went through with it...thankfully, to much amazement of the midwife she found a heartbeat.
I am only too aware of 4ever, I can't relax. However I am more than grateful that for today ever thing is ok.

I will try to catch up with you all later, once I get to grips with this I pad thing!

4ever I too think it's the right thing to have an erpc. My experience of medical management was horrific and humiliating and I know a couple of other girls on here have had bad experiences too. As blue says, it is over quickly and more 'certain' in a way.

barbie sorry you've been having a time of it too :( must be hard when you're back in the uk and can't be seen by your docs etc. So glad you heard a heartbeat.

mls can't believe poor kitty has to go another 4 weeks with a lump on her neck bless her little soul :( and poor you too, can't be nice at all. Should this have been picked up sooner? Hope you're doing ok.

Massive group hug needed tonight I think, and hot chocolate? xxx

Oh 4ever I have been in tears reading your posts and those of the other lovely emmsys trying to give you some comfort. I'm sorry I haven't been able to text you - I posted my smashed phone off to be mended yesterday lunchtime. Anyway, I also think you are doing the right thing by having an ERPC and not waiting to see what happens. With any luck you will be in and out the same day and feeling physically fine very quickly. I know the emotional pain will never leave you.

mls bloody hell - can you see whether the NHS will see you quicker? Cystic hygromas are pretty rare arent they - did someone miss it when she was born or has it grown since? Hope you get something sorted soon, must be so worrying.

barbie I'm sorry you've had another scare, hope this is the last one x

Must go, dinner is ready.

4ever, honey, I still can't believe this is happening to you again - I'm sure we all feel the same, so sorry for you and DH, especially as we are all reliving our own LLO's too and what we all went through then. Your honesty on the thread has been great - I too remeber this feeling of loss and what you are losing in the future eg, summer should have been a big sister in 30 weeks. Life just isn't fair is it?

If I'd got round to texting, i'd have been just as optomistic as cupcake and barbie, as we were all so convinced that this one was going to be just fine.

For me, I just remember feeling that I would never smile again -time, that great healer, has proved that one wrong. We also went on holiday a week later and theres no avoiding that it did taint the holiday but, blue is right, your holiday in September will be so special as it's your first holiday with Summer and as parents and nothing can take that away. Take care of yourselves, have lots of hugs and chocolate.

cupcake and blue you are both so right - we do need that hot chocolate and a group hug . Could you make some of those lovely cakes too, Cupcake?

mls poor kitty and poor you , hope this gets sorted soon -summer holidays are a bit of a bugger aren't you

barbie Sorry you have had a scare, pleased everything is OK, now, I know that after the sandpit, this will be feeling like winter but thanks for bringing the sun over for us

btw, I think we need a bit of light relief - I', just sitting in our lodge on holiday with DH and the vision express advert has come on and he just said " oh look, ds is on the telly" as the little whirl wind on the telly was just like jamie today.
Today, we have done a 5 mile walk up a mountain ( High Rigg, great mountain to talk with kids if you are ever up here), been swimming, gone to the bar for hot chocolate after bedtime and then he asked me to race him home and he won....... I have to be honest - louey, I take my hat off to you, three boys!!!

We are having such a lovely time in the lakes - the weather has been perfect, older DC's pretty good and BB a bit grumpy but then she has had to spend a lot of time in the backpack and hasn't liked it much. She has loved the icecream and swimming though - she's a pain in the pool as she wants to do it on her own. Yesterday, we showed her what would happen if we let go , she went under and when she resurfaced, got DH in the eye with a water spout - very , very funny!

Need to go now - have 9 treasure hunts to log!!

4ever another vote for an erpc here. I've had both natural mc's & an erpc & I think if things don't happen for you naturally then you should have the op.

Blimey LBM sounds like you'll need a holiday to get over your holiday. V. impressed at your 5 mile walk up a hill.

Louey yes cystic hygromas are rare but they can appear some time after birth which is what happened to my dd2. I think we've decided to wait until the consultant gets back from his bloody golfing holiday as he is the top dog with this kind of thing.

Barbie I didn't realise you'd had a scare - how frightening for you. What day is your scan?

Blue I wonder if anyone has done any research into how many women who've had multiple mc's have gone onto have children of one sex only?

Off to bed now. Some absolute knob-head a few doors away has bought a cockrell which starts crowing at 4.20 every morning. When I find out where exactly it is, I'm going to be there at 4.19 with a big knife & a roasting tin!

MLS Ummm, roast cockerel ( and me a vegetarian....)

Lol lbm at your descriptions of your ds boys are great. So funny BB wants to be all independent too.
Also I'm out of cakes now...but planning to make some more today as ILs coming for weekend so I'll make an extra batch for us

mls re research into the translocation (or whatever) theory...it has crossed my mind before that apart from LBM (and maybe some of our old posters, can't remember?), everyone on this thread only has single sex dc...obviously that doesn't prove anything but is quite interesting.

Lovely 4ever hope you're not feeling too foggy this morning and Summer brings you lots of smiles.