30s TTC: Back to school at BESHory Towers. For spiffing gels who've been TTC since before rationing ended and find conception harder than Double Latin, chiz . What ho!

[Scorpette]

Come along, we haven't got all day. Pop off your blazers and straw boaters for a mo and listen up. As Head Girl, I think you ought to know that my dear chum Darrell Rivers tells me that we're really letting the side down with our lack of baybee-winning. To that end, instead of prep and lacrosse, we'll be TTC. I know some of us are losing hope that we'll ever win the Motherhood Cup for our house, but chins up and think of England! We don't won't to end up like the bitter, childless, dried-up old spinsters running this place, do w... oh, hello Matron! Yes, yes, we're going now...

Super! We've been given the attic dorm - bagsy the bed by the window, what! We won't be disturbed when we're enjoying midnight feasts, unbridled lesbianism, pillow fights and sneaking in fellows from the nearby boy's school for some ghastly dreadfulness.

So let's pop some Joyce Grenfell on the gramophone and crack open the tuck boxes! Mater's made me a huge ginger cake and oooh, I see someone's brought pontefract cakes! Yummo! Humbugs, sherbet, elderflower fizz, eccles cakes, a whole slab of choccy - what a simply smashing haul! Hmmm, this ginger beer smells suspiciously gin-like...

Oh yes

-10000753

Saltz full workings pls

oops. 1 too mqny zeros there. Sorry Miss.

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

What is the capital of Assyria?

What is the meaning of life, the universe and everything?

Oh Em Eff Gee Salad, no waaaaaay, that is what I think (re consideration being partially responsible for babyfails)! I feel much better you having said that. As older BESHes will know, I first joined owing to the OM having menkulist ishoos and not, as it were, reaching the happy conclusion necessary for diffment . Some of this was worky stress stuff I think but a lot of it the outcome of years and years of me being the priority, and since I am a lusty lass that was readily achieved and, well, I don't know where I'm going with this, but yes, a certain amount of re-training has been in order. GREATLY to his glee, LESS so to mine

Ahem.

Barbie my ducky, well done for injection bravery

FORTY TWO!

Name 3 synonyms of the word: Antonym

If you dropped a pencil from the top of the Empire State building, what velocity would it have reached by the time it hit the pavement sidewalk.

What is the longitude and latitude of Holetown, Barbados.

Soz cross posts HB - its a rum business and no mistake. I think the very weird thing about it is that some people find it all sooo easy, and for others, like us, its almost as if there are so many factors that need to be aligned perfectly for it to happen. This of course doesn't mean it won't happen, just that it might (and has) take us a bit (or a lot) longer. I suppose the more we know the better our chances are as we can nudge all those things into better alignment (well thats the hope)

You are right Lettice, as ever. One ponders the mystery of it all and sighs. Actually I STILL maintain the key factor to diffment is lots and lots and lots of sex. Then I think about my parents (5 kids) and the ancient colleague I am currently in love with (mostly joking, 5 kids) and I feel respectively sick and swoony .

Right. I have to clamber on tonight so I am taking DH Lawrence to the bath [sexy beast emoticon]

will get on it.

Who mentioned the phrase 'clambering on'? I thought it was just me and my friend who called it that... I guess not.

BESHes, I have missed you all. I haven't been around for ages - I must have missed at least 3 threads. I can't catch up on everything, it will take so long, can someone do me a quick synopsis of the news? I hope I have missed some updiff announcements?

Cro-Magnon women would've died before 30. That's why they didn't need legs in the air a-gogo. I seem to be congenitally incapable of getting into that 'legs and back in the air' thing; I'm fairly double-jointed, an ex-dancer and can do all the mental positions in yoga but can I touch my toes or support my own body weight to put my legs in the air (I can't do this in yoga!)? No I fucking cannot! I can't even prop my back and legs up the wall - within seconds I'm in agony and I want to be sick. Why must I be such a freak?!

Have just watched Four Lions - is bladdy good. Would recommend to all (I'm presuming that sick, evil BESHes will appreciate the comedy genius of Chris Morris).

Well done Barbie. I hope Ken is going to make a big fuss of you tonight (and every night)

Is anyone else covered in spots around ovulation time?

Yo Beshie, were 'ave you been?

Yeah, I'm only just recovering from last weekend's zit attack. Big, throbbing non-squeezable lumps around droid. ZEXY!

Where is everyone? Isn't it Poosmell's b-day midnight feast v soon?

evening. whilst am quite liking the fleeting mysterious appearance in the night ( and 5 -count'em!- mentions vague references in the Actual BESH Thread which must be the lurkequivalent of Jim fixing it for you and having your reuest read out on Swap Shop)i am conscious of lovely BESHes feeling a bit itchy skinned about ramdoms voyeurising on their inner thoughts (and favourite positions have resolved to Out Self.

I have attempted to on occasion (don't want to say how many times, for fear of revealing extent of lurkerage) but always got pipped by some upstart newbie, and also you are all a bit freakishly intelligent, witty, and very very sexy laydees, which can be intimidating to a lowly girl from the provinces like me. i am going to follow with my beshtionnaire, but have just list whole, nearly completed, thing, so will post this so as not to lose momentum.

feel a bit like have just been dropped off at station and am to make my way up to the school on foot, clasping my brown leather suitcase in one hand, in other tin of fruit cake mama baked got cook to bake to help me make friends in the dorm. being cook i'm sure it's laced with sherry absinthe. oh help.

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   during my bar tending years i was famous for my g&t. not so famous for selling any.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   Technically, gold digger. He had me at '2 bottles of wine please Mr Off Licence man' i'd never seen anyone buy two bottles at once before, and knew i had found my other half.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   after 5 years of clearly getting it wrong, must of accidentally found right hole. Happy to give guided tours to those who're still not sure (is it too early for making passes?)

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.
   depends if I like them. am uncomfortable around others' urine, so would probably offer to check breastal expansion instead.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.
   b) beeping little cunt. oooooooh it feels good to say that.

6. what colour are your walls?
   As one has crayon on, I automatically fail this question.

7. Number of pets?
   small person. some spiders.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Leonard Cohen. There are not enough old canadian ex jews on this thread.

9. Lesbian crush?
   I've always thought Lily Allen has beautiful skin.

10. What are your views on camping?
    long story, not my favourite thing any more.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks
    in my life. Are you having a larf?

synopsis: got married. tried to have a baybee. Had ectopic. Then Big Fat Nothing for 4 years. had year of needles, then lap and dye. Dropped butter dish two months after l&d. Which is better, Eastern or Western medicine...there's only one way to find out.... Small person aged 2, greedy cow wants another one now. Not proving easy. A- fucking-gain. Love all the BESHes, love your work, think you're all dead fit. Think i might do a little bit of wee if any of you talk to me. Not that I'm needy.

Woah, you are delightfully lurkerlicious! Goin' OLD SKOOL with some of those references there . G'wan, admit it - how long have you been a-lurking in the shadows?

Am loving your option to check breastal expansion... talking of which, whip 'em ahht, we haven't got all day

PS You are right about there not being enough elderly male Canadian Jews on here. We must get working on this.

PPS Am jealous of your luck after the lap and dye. Mine was in May and I've not had so much as a sniff of a diff. Just my luck to be one of the tiny minority whose fertility is not improved by one

PPPS WELCOME!

sorry miss, my Mum said we had to go on holiday this week cos it's cheaper and I said I couldn't be late back to school but she said no-one would notice cos I'm so quiet anyway but I've got a note miss and we had a lovely week on an island in the sun miss and I promise I'll catch up with prep soon miss and can I still be a prefect?

Welcome moley i deliberately DELIBERATELY didn't hold back on details in order to shame you into revealing yourself (honest) Hmm, seem you have been lurking a while then, that must make me one of the upstarts :p 5 years is a very long time but that is extremely BESHtastic to get the diff after the lap & dye. How long have you been trying this time? Now pass me that fruit cake and, here, have a tena lady.

I HAZ KWESTION FOR DeathOfRodHull (and seriously: I am going to keep wheeling that one out until someone says I'm clever, mmmmkay?): how I can I stop myself getting cystitis pliz? I know you're supposed to 'ave a whazz after Teh Secks for reasons I don't fully understand, but when you're lying with your legs in the air chanting swim, yer little fuckers, SWIM!, then the lavatory is not an option . Once again, I feel slightly as if I am pissing on electric wires. I realise some people shell out good money for that sort of thing, and that is very much their prerogative, but it is not for me.

Now then, as you may infer from the above, this month's SWI campaign has begun, precipitated by the CBFM suggesting I ought to get down, get on it, despite it being only day 8. Interesting developments, non?

The evening's romancing began with the OM levering open my legs to the accompaniment of a comical creaking sound, and the darkly intoned voiceover "As the intrepid explorers opened the ancient pit, centuries of foetid air escaped". Who says romance is dead? Me, clearly.

Welcome Molesworth! I likes the cut of your jib, I does. I likes far less the 5 years and the repeated delay . I will overlook my most-hated grammatical error as a benevolent demonstration of how exquisitely you have introduced yourself

Where is BB? I have another snuggle for her.

I fought midnight orgies for PollStar were tonight? Which does not make any sense, now that I think of it.

HAPPY BIRFDAY TO POLL HAPPY BIRFDAY TO POLL HAPPY BIIIIIRFDAAAAY SEXY POLLY HAPPY BIRFDAY TO YOUUUUUUUU

OcarinaBallerina here, have a lurker, we captured one just for you. Though watch out, headmistress may spank you for being late.

Score I am a zit monster at the mo. Not the best thing if you are meant to be seductive.

MoleHole I liked you as a lurker . But now that you are out in the open, pliz to explain what is lap and dye . And hitch up your skirt.

HBottom congrats on starting this month's quest. My day, I believe, is today. After I had some coffee, read some Gunariad and finally had a shower and shaved.

Saying that, can I have a BESH poll? Shaving or waxing? I shave but am not sure it's the wisest choice.

Hoppity I am a perpetual zit machine, who is also constantly commented on a peachy complexion. I can only imagine they are all wreaking the piss on a really quite malicious scale.

re. shaving or waxing: neither. The reasons are either that a) I am naturally fair and have little hair to remove, or that b) the removal of body hair is offensive on about sixty-three different levels . I wheel either one out depending on the audience .

commented complimented. Twat.

Even on legs? (Jots down reason no. 2 to rethink feminism.)

Maybe zits mean we are still young and have all those youthful hormones?

Speaking of which, I asked a guy with a teenage daughter the other day whether she is a handful ('cause she is a teenager, you know?) and he got upset! Defensively said she was a very good girl who did very well in her As levels. Was that a rude question?