The Bus Stop - Waiting to TTC (part 3)

[bebejones]

New thread ladies! :)

Old one here

Will go get the list.....

Hey Slowshow

Congrats - hope you are more sorted than I am!! Well my reasons were because

a) I fully intend on drinking as many cocktails and champers as I can manage and whilst I know it's been said that the baby doesn't get anything from the mother for the first 4/6 weeks I'm not sure I could be actively trying and drinking at the same time. I have also read that alcohol can affect implantation. I'm not a massive drinker BTW but this is a special occasion

b) I'd be fertile at the beginning of our honeymoon and as we're away for 3 weeks I was thinking I could potentially start feeling rough

c) We have a wedding abroad in June which would be when I would be due

d) Would rather have a baby born at the beginning of the school year

e) Can have my birthday and Xmas and NY out the way first

I would have loved to have chucked the contraception away on our honeymoon but I think stresswise I'd rather not be thinking about 'am I/aren't I' while we're away.

I hope I don't sound too cold about the whole thing, especially point d) I am sure if it takes me months to get preganant I really won't mind when it is but while I'm this side of it, it makes sense to me.

Also I'm a bit terrified of it all!

Afternoon ladies

Just popping in to say hello having been away - the thread has moved fast!

Hello to the new joiners - especially snoozathon as it's nice to have someone who will be TTC'ing about the same time as me (next summer, hopefully May if DH agrees...)

So, we went away last week with a group of friends including a 1 year old - wasn't quite sure if it would make us (esp DH) keener or put me off altogether. Actually I think DH is actually a bit keener than before - he's discovered that small children are funny! On the other hand, it was very obvious that you have to make a lot of daily sacrifices as a parent - less sleep, very little time to yourself, etc etc.

Amanda sorry to hear your DH is still chopping and changing. Mine is still being non committal ("maybe" is his favourite word ). Like you, I am still a little uncertain myself (I think it's only natural to be uncertain about a step which in many ways runs counter to all self interest), but I'm not letting on, since DH will never agree to TTC if I show any signs of uncertaintly ...

Just - I also don't have any logical reasons for wanting a child now (well, next year) rather than later. I think you just have to be honest and say it's a very strong desire you have and you can't bear to wait longer... Not logical, but then having children isn't logical.

Fluffy those reasons sound sensible (not cold) - sounds like you will have a boozy very enjoyable honeymoon! Where are you going on honeymoon? And slowshow where are you off to?

Welcome brettgirl, snoozathon and fluffy! Brettgirl, I'm also planning to start TTC in October (#1).

Fluffy, congrats on your upcoming marriage! I don't blame you for wanting to give it a few months, and IMHO, it will be nice to just be married for a little while before starting to TTC.

Bebe, sorry, but you are part of the family, and an equal part to DH. You establishing a path for yourself is definitely for the good of the family. IMHO, it's tremendously unfair for one partner to hang around in a limbo waiting for the other one to make the decisions. If he's worried about money, maybe point out that you establishing a long-term career plan will ensure better financial stability for years to come? Sigh...I am so frustrated for you.

JustShagging, good luck with the talk! To brettgirl's list, I would add another point about age: energy. Doesn't he want to do this at a stage in his life where it's relatively easy to lose some sleep and carry on at work? To have the energy to run around with the kids? To not be the oldest dad on the playground? Also, I know guys hate the "ticking clock" argument, but it is worth emphasising that the longer you wait the less likely this is to happen. If you both want children, what is holding you back? Other than wanting to travel - which everybody says! - is there any particular reason he doesn't feel that now is the right time? There will be life after children!

Amanda, I've only got about a third of my 10,000 words written. 10,000 isn't that bad, so that's not what I'm worried about, it was the research that needed to be done to back up my argument. This weekend I wrapped that up and got my notes typed up, so I'm planning to blitz the rest of my dissertation this weekend (I've got four days as I've taken Friday off and Monday's a bank holiday). It's due next Wednesday...eek!

Strawberry, a celebration is definitely in order! I'm on the fence between partying with my classmates and having champagne cocktails and a romantic dinner with DH. Maybe I'll do both!

Minipie I think it's nearly impossible to be 100% confident and positive about ttc while you don't have the support of your OH. DH says "maybe" a lot too, not wishing to commit himself.

I can understand it. If I got cold feet I wouldn't feel too bad about putting it off a bit longer, but that's because I know DH wouldn't be that bothered. But DH knows that, once he commits himself to a timetable, if he wants to change his mind it'll be a massive deal.

It seems to me that it was only once I voiced my own fears that DH felt safe(?) to talk about it.

We've now agreed that pre ttc we will visit the USA and the Far East, following which we may or may not ttc according to how DH feels by that point. It's a good job I don't do hostage negotiation for a living!

Minipie I think it's nearly impossible to be 100% confident and positive about ttc while you don't have the support of your OH. DH says "maybe" a lot too, not wishing to commit himself.

I can understand it. If I got cold feet I wouldn't feel too bad about putting it off a bit longer, but that's because I know DH wouldn't be that bothered. But DH knows that, once he commits himself to a timetable, if he wants to change his mind it'll be a massive deal.

It seems to me that it was only once I voiced my own fears that DH felt safe(?) to talk about it.

We've now agreed that pre ttc we will visit the USA and the Far East, following which we may or may not ttc according to how DH feels by that point. It's a good job I don't do hostage negotiation for a living!

Oops sorry double postage!

Blimey everyone has been busy here.

Welcome Slowsnow, Fluffy, brettgirl, Snoozathon to this busy land of twiddled thumbs, tapping feet and huffs of frustration!

We were away this weekend for a big party with lots of our kiddy friends, which was fun. I ended up meeting and having a v long conversation about all this gubbins with a mother of a 2yr old who's husband is in the same line of work as my DP (so the same stresses ie unpredictable finances, him being away a lot at short notice etc etc) and the problem of finding the right time to TTC in relation to alll that. She was really helpful - totally adamant that there's no right time at all, may as well just get on with it etc etc, and that it's been a brilliant time for them. She actually made me feel loads and loads better about what has felt like quite an intractable dilemma, which is nice.
From what I gather, DP was also having TTC conversations with his friends, so it feels like something is coming together over here.

Bebe I'd second what mrswtbam said - your career plans and aspirations should be as large a part of the overall picture as his. What you're saying about planning your family close together so that you can get on with it sounds like it makes perfect sense to me.

JS Glad you have found a compromise with your DH (and that he's been apologetic!) In terms of arguing a case for TTC, I've found that being really adamant about it being my body that's going to take the strain of actually carrying children, and therefore wanting to do this sooner rather than later (for the reasons AC mentioned upthread) seems to work. My body getting older is the one thing we can't do anything about - everything else (jobs, money, etc) can be adjusted - so the biology gets to be a high priority reason to TTC now. I think some men can actually empathise with the idea of something which takes loads of stamina, which is massive, difficult, painful and transforming happening to their body, and wanting to be in control of when that happens and of being in a good shape to do it - maybe?! (on second thoughts, I think I might have just unconvinced myself there....)

AC sounds like this charting business is yet another source of frustration?! Good to hear you've made some decisions, even if they're decisions about delaying decisions! I think sometimes agreeing that 'we'll talk about it after x' can actually allow you to put the whole thing to one side for a bit, help you both relax and stop thinking about it so much, if that's what's needed.

Minipie welcome back to the throng.

You know what would help me, now that this thread has got so sizeable? A refresher 'Why Are We Waiting?' List! Can we start one?

So:
Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit.

Next!

Hey All,

minipie thank you, we're off to New York then Maui then San Francisco. Am so very excited! I did make myself sound like more of a lush than I actually am How lovely to have your DH so keen after spending time with your friends LO, but I do know what you mean about seeing what hard work they can be. My BF doesn't hold back on what life is like with a baby and it really did open my eyes!

mrswantstobeamum thanks, I did kind of think it would be nice to celebrate our first wedding anniversary just the two of us. Good luck on finishing your 10,000 words I really couldn't do it!

Oooh ok

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

mrswantstobeamum is waiting until October to finish her MA, get past a couple of stressful deadlines at work, and have one last romantic pre-TTC holiday with DH

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

AmandaCooper is waiting for her DH to come round to the idea

Oops sorry Mrs - xpost.

No worries!

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

mrswantstobeamum is waiting until October to finish her MA, get past a couple of stressful deadlines at work, and have one last romantic pre-TTC holiday with DH

AmandaCooper is waiting for her DH to come round to the idea

This is like some strange parlour game.

Lmao @ strange parlour game!

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

mrswantstobeamum is waiting until October to finish her MA, get past a couple of stressful deadlines at work, and have one last romantic pre-TTC holiday with DH

AmandaCooper is waiting for her DH to come round to the idea

squirrel is waiting till she gets back from holiday and finishes her anti-malarials

Hi all!

bebe can you retrain as a teacher now, and then plan to do your nqt year later? (think you have a few years to do it and get fully qualified, doesn't have to be immediately). It seems a shame to have to put your life on hold and wait for your hb to make his mind up. It may not be ideal, but could work out for you? Either way, I do agree with all the others that you are a big part of your family, and your happiness should not just be incidental!

Hi FluffySparkles your reasons for waiting sound good to me, not at all cold. Your holiday sounds fantastic :)

Amanda sounds a good idea to get some big holidays in before ttc :) We talked about this and decided to get a big holiday in before kids. Makes it easier to think about not travelling for a while.

Well, I started taking anti-malarials yesterday, and we are off tomorrow, so that's one step closer to ttc

wow alot has been going on here since the wkend

hi fluffysparkles, brettgirl, snowslow and snoozeathon.

Bebe- your dp sounds very similar to mine he has a good career that he likes most the time and doesnt seem to understand my point of view of wanting to get the baby years out the way when im relatively young, i love being at home with my DD but i didnt do degree for nothing and would like a good career one day..he doesnt see this, plus if we have another girl next he wants to try again for a boy..i would be happy with a girl or a boy nxt and 2 is enuf for me..my reply we best get started if we might be having 3!

Fluffysparkles- i think your resason for waiting are really good ones, afta all your hopefully only going to have one honeymoon u want its to be as perfect and stress free as possible

Just shagging hope your talk goes well i tries having another mimi one this wkend got shrugged off by dp :(

mrs- hope youve managed to get ahead on your dissertation

Amanda- some big holidays sound nice, def is one of my regrets that i didnt travel more b4 having children, ill just have to travel when im 40 instead :)

brettgirl- i also have a 16 month dd and would like to start ttc in oct- dec if i can get dp to jump on board with the whole thing, im also the same as you with the drinking tea and drank alcohol and smoked till i knew i was pregnant, then gave that all up also didnt take folic acid as wasnt ttc first time, this time round i am a non-smoker and t-total lol

well i have had a mostly nice weekend, the sun was out on sunday so went to a place called maize maze with dp and dd, they had kids play area, giant sand pit, bouncy castle and 2 dif size maizes was a nice day and dd loved the bouncy castle and sand pit
also tho getting very stressed out with buying a house mortgage company keeps messing us round and dragging there feet and we are going to end up losing the house we want at this rate :(

sorry if ive missed not answered people's posts trying to type this real quick as dd is running about

Good morning all. Another temperature dip this morning, so bad news. Will definitely be investing in some OV sticks next month. Hopefully this is just my body taking a while to get back in gear after the pill.

If there is a problem, then I can't imagine that I'll enjoy DH's stupid holidays very much. I'm sure that when I'm old and childless I won't look back and say "thank goodness we went on that trip to the Far East".

Sorry to be gloom gloom this morning ladies, I will reply to everyone properly just as soon as I get a go on DH's laptop.

Oops good morning jbells, Xposted with you. Sounds like you had a nice weekend! I appreciate your advice re travel before children. I'm just worried about leaving it too late, and the cost. We don't own our home and neither of us has a pension, and I have a lot of student debt - so it all seems a bit reckless.

Oh, good idea ladies!!!

I am currently trying to avoid doing any work (got that holiday feeling a couple of days early and can't be bothered to do anything - ooops!!) and so going to draw up a bit of a list as to why I want to TTC now. Think DH responds well to lists!!!

So here is what I have so far:
Age - I don't want to be an 'old mummy' and I know DH will want to be a young Dad who can do stuff with his kids.

Career - If we TTC now then I can face staying in my current role (it would mean I had an end point) and the maternity pay would be pretty reasonable. If I joined a new firm (because I am miserable in my job) then the pay will be less good and I may not even qualify, depending on when I get a new job. DH has his review meeting today and if he gets the thumbs up to stay then we are in a very stable position to have children.

Time to get PG - the average couple takes 6 months so if we TTC now then we probably won't get PG until March 2011 (I am hoping that we are fertile and that once we start trying it won't take long but there is no way on earth I am admitting that to DH

Timing of DC2 - We have both agreed we want 2 children and I would like an age gap of no more than 3 years. I don't want to be much older than 32 when we have DC2

Just Because! - It's my body that it going to be going through all the massive changes and I need to feel able to cope with them. Right now I feel that I am probably in the best shape I have been in for years. [stubborn & selfish smiley]

I am pretty sure that DH will say that the reasons we can't try now are:

1. He's not ready. - tough, I am and whilst he'll be paying for it, it's my body going through it!!!

2. We can't afford it - If we fell pregnant accidentlly we'd manage it so why not if we planned it?

3. There is so much he want's to do before settling down to have children - having children doesn't stop us living our lives, look at our parents

4. He want's to travel - so do I. but our list of places we want to visit is so long that if we wait to tick them all off before having children then my ovaries will have dried up and we'll have nobody to look after us when we are old!!! We can travel after we have children, life does not end!!

5)He wants time as just the 2 of us - we've been together for 3.5 years and babies take 6 months to make (ok I'm lying but he won't know and there is evidence to back me up) and 9 months to cook so by the time it arrives we will have had almost 5 years as just the 2 of us

Any more helpful points welcome!! Perhaps we can start a list of good arguments for TTC now.........

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

mrswantstobeamum is waiting until October to finish her MA, get past a couple of stressful deadlines at work, and have one last romantic pre-TTC holiday with DH

AmandaCooper is waiting for her DH to come round to the idea

squirrel is waiting till she gets back from holiday and finishes her anti-malarials

JustShagging is not sure why she is waiting but suspects it is something to do with DH wanting to be in control DH's Fear of Fatherhood!

Sorry AC - cross post
Sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit crappy this morning. It sounds as though all the temperature charting is pretty frustrating, confusing and stressful. I invested in some OPK's as my sleeping patterns are chaotic to say the least and so the temperature thing was a no go for me. They are really cheap on amazon and showed me that I did ovulate around CD19

I am totally with you on the holidays front and maybe you need to tell your DH that whilst you wan tot go away to the Far East and the USA there is nothing to stop you doing one of those trips and then starting to TTC ahead of the 2nd one (other than your DH). I am sure that you could easily fly to the US in your 2nd Trimester and a friend of ours flew from HK to the UK at 5 or 6 weeks with no problems.

How will you feel if in a few years time he tells you that actually he doesn't want children ever.......

Hello all

Wow, what alot to catch up on! Have just sat here taking notes so I hope i dont miss anything or anyone out.

My bestest friend left last night ... BUT we had a really great week, and had loads of quality time together. It was a great week and just whizzed by so fast.

Firstly WELCOME to brettgirl snoozathon slowshow and fluffysparkles

mrs hope your dissertation is coming on... you must really be nearly there now
Pleased to hear about your TTC Drs appt, think i wont bother with one, as i am already doing all the stuf they suggest anyway!
In answer to your question, the spare room (Ie DC's room) is already decorated... I did it this summer, knowing in time it would be babies room. It is my "pink room" (I LOVE pink, but has neutral walls) Anyway if we have a girl it will be as simple as swapping bed for a cot and getting some new baby furniture.
Even if it is a boy i have blue gingham curtaons to swap with the pink ones there at the moment and it will be fine for a boy (cream walls)

strawberry the name i want for a boy is "William Christopher" (William = family name on both sides, (and i love the name) and Christopher is my fathers name)

bebe your apple preserve sounds very yummy. Also all your reasoning for TTC #2 sounds just so logical... it must be so frustrating that you DH cant seem to use the same reasoning.... GRRR for you!

J.bells sorry that your mortgage company are messing you about... lets just hope it gets sorted. (round here houses arnt moving at all... brother in law and father in law have both had their houses on the market for over a year now with 3 viewings between them! )

JS agree that your reasons are also rational and correct... your body is ready now.... GRR again for DH's who just cant see what is SOOO obviouse to us women!

So (not really suprised) but i havent got my furniture yet, (although i think it is properly planned to be done tomorrow)
At the weekend the shower in the family bathroom broke, so OH was trying to sort that... anyway plumber said its broken, so we are having new one fitted today (i hope, that reminds me plumber hasnt called me yet like he said he would) and given that i have to clear out the wardrobe in the spare room to allow access to the pipes, it makes sense to put the stuff back into the new wardrobes.

We also had a leaky sink (that OH has fixed)... which started coming through the ceiling a little , so was a bit stressful, but meant OH was sorting that out too!

Cant believe its pouring with rain here (forecast said sun, well it is sunny aswell
I have 2 kingsize undersheets, 2 king size mattress protectors, 1 king size duvet cover and a double duvet and sheet to get dry...
i just do NOT have the space for all that inside (and wouldnt have washed it today in the 1st place if weather didnt say dry!)

Im a bit confused at my temp is going down and down and down... today i had an all time low of 35.99 is temp supposed to go down and down before it surges? I was wondering if my thermometer was lieing... i might get another, as an excuse to order some cheap pg tests (and as a spare in case one breaks) (I think i will be testing from day 28 this month esp as normally when i come off pill i have about 35 - 40 days before i get a next period, so will be thinking AGH!!)
last month my temp was up and down with no rhyme or reason, but then i was on the pill so maybe why.

Quod is waiting because DP's work is coming to a head in the spring/through next summer and everything will be extremely uncertain for a bit

FluffySparkles is waiting for DP to become DH and to get a couple of months of married life under her belt

mrswantstobeamum is waiting until October to finish her MA, get past a couple of stressful deadlines at work, and have one last romantic pre-TTC holiday with DH

AmandaCooper is waiting for her DH to come round to the idea

squirrel is waiting till she gets back from holiday and finishes her anti-malarials

JustShagging is not sure why she is waiting but suspects it is something to do with DH wanting to be in control DH's Fear of Fatherhood!

nannyL is waiting because months ago she decided she waned an October baby, so baby wouldnt be youngest in school year and because she wanted 2 children 1 school year apart with a 15 - 18m age gap AND didnt want a Xmas or Augast baby either... Now i dont care and just want a baby... BUT OH has decided my reasons were good at the time and therefore we will wait as planned

jbells how annoying about the mortgage company. Fingers crossed it all works out ok

Amanda I was thinking a bit about what I'd do in your position. I'd probably demand an answer from hb about whether he wants kids, taking any maybe as a no. I'd prefer to find out sooner rather than later, and I think it's easy for him to delay making a decision. Plus, it's not like you're asking him completely out of the blue, he's had time to think about it.

js your reasons for ttc now are virtually identical to mine! As for his reasons, you can always ask what he'd like to achieve before ttc. E.g. For travel, where does he want to go and in what time frame. If there are particular big things, then it does make sense to try and fit them in. But a general sense of 'i'd like to see the world' is just putting it off! Perhaps thinking of specifics will focus his mind. I am quite adamant that because I'm the one getting pregnant, giving birth, and taking time off, we should ttc when it suits me.