1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

I think you're thinking of the Prophet Mohammed HB (peace be etc). Old CS clearly based his evil Calormene empire and the god Tash upon Arab states and Islam, bless his evangelical Christian socks. But since you ask, it was the Horse And His Boy and The Last Battle! I also completely missed the allusions as a child, which is a good thing I think, because they're cracking tales if you ignore the religious stuff (though admittedly that's quite difficult in the last one) I liked the Silver Chair the best. No, wait, The Voyage of the dawn Treader. No, wait, Prince Caspian. Oh I don't know! I wanted to call our boat The Dawn Treader but MrA put his foot down. Ask me anything about Narnia, anything! In fact I shall go on Mastermind with it as my specialist subject and kick the sorry asses of those foolish enough to choose subjects such as The Carvings of Grinling Gibbons.

The Dark is Rising scared the shit out of me, Drom, as did any Susan Cooper or Alan Garner books. Have you read Elidor? More modernly, has anyone read the William Nicholson books , The Wind on Fire trilogy? Feckin ace. I think I enjoy kids' books more than adults' books actually. It comes from having to read them to Y6s on a daily basis for five years. No, I tell a lie, it's because mentally I am eleven.

I wonder if LettuceGirl has realised she feels me? She probably meant it didn't she?

at any given opportunity rie :o

I was an extra in the BBC's production of the Silver Chair. When I was 12. I can be seen from behind riding a 1940's bike up the drive in the opening credits, before they go through to Narnia.

Also I reckon perineal massage doesn't really work. I did it assiduously every day and still had to be sliced open with scalpel, baybee sink plungered out and sewed back up.

My mum read them at the same time I did, technically they are adult fantasy. The Belgariad series is the first, The Elenium series is perhaps a bit more grown up. The sequels to those two series start getting very samey so I'd probably not bother with those as an adult as it'll be a lot more obvious.

Um, that was in reply to saladbomb by the way. I am a bit dense.

Afternoon all.

First, an apology to anyone still awaiting delivery of Special Jam. They have now been dispatched, and you will receive a free speculum by way of apology for any inconvenience caused by the delay.

Will now read back to catch up....there's bloody pages though you yacky lot.

Am on sofa letting my St Tropez 'develop'...in addition to thee legs akimbo panther waxing I have now let a complete stranger massage my bazookas. Several times, with a variety of liquids and massage mits....

Balls, washing machine has finally given up the ghost. It must have seen me googling 3 day breaks in the Lakes and thought 'haha. not a chance love' On top of that the boy is in a bad mood because he, for some reason i can not fathom, took a scourer (yes a SCOURER) to the display of the car and has scratched a patch the size of a 10 pence piece. Now I am trying to cheer him up because I would, at some point, like to SWI. In fact I am beginning to suspect this is just some elaborate ploy to avoiding having to impregnate me.

salts st tropez doesn't sounds too bad, although i would have done it for you? :o are you tangoed?

am (so far) the colour of slightly over done biscuit, and i smell a bit funny.

mmmm, salty biscuit.

you ok today Sidesalad?

salty I hope you did the soles of your feet too

fruitysalad DH is also in bad mood as has taken a chunk out of his favourite windsurfing board by dropping it. Cue much sulking and expensive repair bill. Thank fuck it is not SWI time for ages. I have no idea how you cheer up a man following this sort of belongings-related personal disaster, if you find out, pliz inform me for future reference thank you kindly.

Lady Okay you've put me off childbirth now. Definitely going to buy chinchillas instead.

saffronbun - That was more the fault of the fucking dickhead community midwife who bullied me into pushing for 4 hours because "she could see the head, right there". Which following the transfer into hospital by ambulance turned out to be the waters bulging and not the frigging head. But too late as had exhausted self by then and just wanted drugs and someone to make it all go away. But can't have been that bad since I'm so bloody desperate to do it all again.

I'm very sad today. LO is spending the weekend with his Dad - first time ever spent a night apart from each other. Because my Mum back in hospital again so have to visit at other end of country. Buzzwams getting huge with milk. Hope I don't get nasty-itis

I'm ok saltypooos what about you?

idk saffers if i figure it out i'll let you know although telling him we need to Do It (TM) every day for the next 5 days has cheered him up a bit. Plus I sat on him and stuck my boobs in his face, seems to work as well for him as it would for a BESH :o

:( LadyGeeGee thats all kinds of rough. Be strong. Plenty buzzwam snuggles left for you over here.

Aw, LadyG that is rotten - bloody idiot midwife.

Where is everyine this evening??

What do you mean you're getting onw th you actual lives?

No idea what you;re talking about...

I am here... no life, just arse firmly planted on sofa. Who's for a gin sling dahlinks?

ooh, lovely.

Cheese straw, to go with that Poll?

Oh go on then Salty. I do love a pack of cheese straw. I can't stop eating. I am considering tucking into Madam Moo's birthday choclit stash.

There is feck all on tv tonight - I have a night to watch whatever I like while TG plays toy soldiers with his BIL ('gay-ming' as I call it) and there is NOTHING ON.

HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO??????????????

Does everyone have a life except me?

Nope, no life here. I did watch CSI and I've eaten half a packet of dutch almond biscuits.

I am so sad.

I'm back - fell asleep in front of Rebus. Oh yes, I know how to partay. Still, at least when I'm asleep I'm not eating. I'm thinking hot choc and bed now....

How are you Rie? Did you enjoy your day off?

PLEASE stoppit. Have just had to catch up on 8 pages. Cried laughing at your cervical antics. Agree that belly buttons are disgusting - I retch if mine is touched, so have a 10cm exclusion zone around it. I'm happy that Gin has had a good scan. I'm excited that Poll is approaching 20 weeks. I'm glad that Scorps is back in the land of food hygiene. Buzwam feffs to everyone else.

I have Not Been Here for days (did ya notice? did ya?) because work scarily busy, and trying to sort stuff out for dad. The hosp in Manc couldn't resite his drain, so he and mum are travelling to Basingstoke tomorrow to see his usual docs. In the meantime he is going into renal failure again.

Because dad was stable a couple of weeks ago, I stupidly, stupidly grabbed the opportunity to book 2 weeks on a tiny Greek island, departing this Weds. Five days later his drain fell out. Now I'm worried sick about going, but don't want to cancel because a) it might not be necessary to do so, b) we really need the break, c) I've already cancelled one hol this year, d) we will lose all the money, and e) can't someone else support them for a change?

I'm going over to mum and dad's for lunch today, going to have a Adult Discussion with them about the fact that I will be on hol while dad is in hosp, so if anything goes wrong I want my sister to be able to go down there to be with them, rather than them insisting that she stay at their house to look after their fucking cat. Their insistence on this arrangement thus far has meant that I have had to take endless time off work to be with them, whereas my sis is currently on school holidays, so no reason she couldn't perform that function if they would just let her. In my mind it boils down to the fact that they are prioritising the cat's feelings above those of anyone in the family. Makes me so angry that I'm going to find it difficult to stay calm. And am certain they won't budge on it. Have No Idea why I am telling you all this. Sorry .

Anyway. If I do make it to Greece, will not be around much, if at all, til the 26th. Please keep everything crossed for us.

Lyra-ra-ra lovely to see you, sorry you are having to Have A Conversation.

You should go my dear - you could do with a break, I think.

Ah, you're not the eldest child, by any chance, are you? At the very least, you've clearly been designated as the one that can deal with the heavy shit better

Lyra, I think you're going to have to make them see that whilst you love your Dad and would do anything for him, letting you do all the running around whilst all they ask of your sister is that she babysits a bloody cat is really unfair on you. Say that it could actually make your sister feel very bad later on as she might feel guilty she didn't do as much and she might feel insulted that they didn't ask her to do as much as you (ie like she's useless/less important than you) and might make you feel resentful of your sister for not doing as much. Whether you think this would be true or not isn't important - getting them to see wider implications is what matters. I know it'll be hard to bring up some home truths with someone so ill, but the inequality of what they're asking of you compared to her needs addressing. You might need to be blunt and say that it sometimes seems like they worry more about how the cat copes than you! (You know they don't, but still... )

Cats are v independent - a neighbour could easily pop round and bung it some food and water and catteries are not death camps, if it needs to go in one! Your folks could be focussing too much on the cat as a way of ignoring much bigger issues.

Hope this helps and isn't patronising nor nuffink. I'm pretty rubbish in most ways but am good at bringing up awkward subjects with people, so want to help. Plus, I LOVES ya and feel on your behalf that they seem to expect you to pretty much shoulder the awful stuff alone (well, you and your mister). Am sure if things start to go v downhill they will get your sister to them sharpish and sod the cat, but it's not fair that this isn't a given and will therefore cause you anxiety and guilt - and threaten to ruin your much-needed, much-deserved holiday. We all know you only want the best for your Pops and if you speak from the heart that is what will come across.

Everything crossed And GOOD LUCK with the parent-tackling :)

Hi Salty. Thanks Scorps - not patronising, I appreciate it. Am off now - will let you know later how it goes