Gifting vs secret Santa families

[ViaRia01]

With regards to your parents, adult siblings, and in-laws etc., are you a ‘gifts for everyone’ or a ‘secret Santa’ family?

I don’t believe that ‘Christmas is for children’. I think Christmas is for everyone (who wants it). I enjoy lots about Christmas including buying and receiving gifts between my adult relatives but I do recognise it is getting harder - families grow, the list gets longer, many people already have the things they actually want, some people are hard to buy for, money doesnt seems to stretch so far these days.

A few years ago I suggested to my mum, siblings and their partners, shall we switch to a secret Santa for the adults. I am starting to regret that now though as after a few years of this secret Santa exchange it was suggested that we scrap it and just buy for the children in the family. If that’s what everyone wants then of course I can’t insist on secret Santa or any other gift exchange. I just feel a bit deflated that I instigated something a few years ago that has now seemingly progressed to no gift exchanging for adults at all.

I am just trying to see the posisitive side of this which is that with the money we would have spent I can buy something a bit more substantial/ better quality for the nieces and nephews. And my husband and I will still exchange gifts so we still have that.

It might have progressed into no gifts at all, regardless of your secret santa suggestion. I've seen that often when families grow and it gets too expensive.

I partly hate the 'kids gifts only' rule, because we don't (can't) have children. We did this for a few years before SIL became estranged. We now just give to the in-laws. I feel like saying 'lets not bother with gifts' due to the tat we've been given over the years. I'd prefer to buy myself something nice that I like and can use..

DH and I exchange gifts, via a wish list. That's due to DH having a niche interest I can't just buy of the shelf items for and while he knows me really well, I prefer giving him ideas as he absolutely hates shopping.

Presents to extended family - that's my nightmare, I hate getting gifts from people who may know me but not well enough to know what I read, drink, use for cosmetics, wear or enjoy doing in general.

And unfortunately my family is that. So I am better off with no gifts exchange anymore.

DP buys gifts for all her family, whereas mine do secret Santa. I vastly prefer the Secret Santa, it's so much less faff overall, and generally there's a bit more thought into the gift because you've only got to buy for one person instead of 10.

The other problem (well I know some wouldn’t see it as a problem at all) with SS was that one particular relative used the online SS ‘wish list’ to simply provide a link to his single request, valued at the exact budget amount. Obviously that’s entirely within his rights to do but to me it made the experience so so transactional and pointless. So I think he’s obviously happy to keep his money this year and bug his own stuff but to me that’s not what gifting/ SS is all about.

Ah well, there are worse problems to have, I know… just a bit of a shame.

We don't buy gifts for adults at all, which I am all in favour of. And I say that as the child-free Auntie.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots yes I think that’s partly why I suggest SS in the first place. Time and money are more stretched than ever for me (and my siblings I assume) so let’s focus on a thoughtful gift for one, rather than a scramble for 10.

@5289843DM yes that is a bit of a frustrating thing, if someone doesn’t know you so well or gets it a bit wrong so you end up with stuff you don’t really want. But when it goes right I just think it’s so lovely to give and receive gifts - doesn’t have to be big, expensive, life changing. Just something you wouldn’t have splashed out on for yourself. Sometimes that’s nicer too as you can end up with something great that you’d never have even considered before

I buy gifts for DH and adult DC and foster teens about £200 each. I buy for my 2 dgs's £100 each. I buy for mil and bil £50 each. I buy for 1 dniece still in education £50. I also make stockings of about £50-70 each for Dh, DC, DGC, and mil. I don't buy gifts for my sister's and bought gifts for nephews and nieces until they left education so about 21. I'm not keen on Secret Santa. My sister did it at instigation of her DD. She told me she didn't get to buy a gift for any of her 3 DC and she felt bad about it. The next year she told them they could do Secret Santa if they wanted to but she'd be buying her DC a gift each.

Buy why 'wouldn't you have splashed out on it yourself'? And why is the low chance that you'll get the one gem amongst a lot of tat worth the cost and effort of a load of tat? Or the pointless transactional 'I'll buy you X and you buy me Y'?

If you want a nice thing, just buy yourself it. Don't turn it into a great charade to impose on others who really aren't interested. You still end up spending money and ending up with a thing, so just do it. Gifts for adults seem to be 10% the nice thing you want, 10% the unexpected gem and 80% stuff that no-one wants or needs so just a waste.

I do think most of magic of Christmas is for kids (unless you are very religious and observe it through church etc...) other wise its just for most adults some twinkly lights on dark days and a big dinner but I still think its shit to not get adults a gift.

Its literally a thing you do thats soul purpose is to show them you think about them and care, saying you can't be arsed is so shitty. It's a gifting time of year and a lot of adults don't get anything if people decided to stop (and its always the people who it won't effect but will benefit that seem to decide for everyone).

When people do the 'kids only' thing then its usually the loneliest that get overlooked and forgotten like single people/single mams and divorced/widowed/elderly etc...

I don't buy based on what anyone else does, I don't view gifts as tit for tat so I would continue to buy as normal even if someone said they aren't buying anymore (thats their choice not mine). No one gets to decide what you can gift to others in the family.

I have a bit of best of both tbh - in my small family we do everyone gives to everyone, with DH's wider and larger extended family we do secret Santa (with wishlists) - so from my family I usually give (and receive) quite a few smaller but thoughtful gifts, as a family we tend to have interests and likes that are suitable for this kind of exchange, we're all readers so a book is always an option/welcomed, we all like our food and mostly have sweet toothes etc so chocolate and option, my mother in later years has somewhat inclined to purchasing 'tat' (job lots of cheap acrylic bedsocks and blankets from Temu last year), some of which doesn't get used but we get a laugh anyway and it's all done with love so doesn't matter. Opening presents is always done with great ceremony and enjoyment even amongst adults in our family so I think we'd be sad to go to a children only or secret Santa system.

DH's family are not so into presents as we are, they very much are more of the mindset that gifts are for children and before we instigated the secret Santa system were tending just to exchange cash or vouchers amongst the adults which is a bit sad IMO - there's so many of them though TBF and some really tricky people to buy for so I do get it - now we do absolutely shameless direct requests via an online shopping list system which is nice because it means you do get exactly what you wanted and no money is wasted and everyone does get something, no-one left out and no drama or hassle...

So basically either system can work, just depends on your family and preferences!

But if you give people gifts, they feel obliged to buy you one back, it's just human nature. If you want to show people you care, invite them over for mince pies, drinks and board games or similar.

Don't impose your wish to shop on them and guilt them into reciprocating. All that achieves most of the time is people effectively spend money on things they don't want and if they're on a budget, it means they can't afford the things they do want or need.

Eg you buy them a candle and they buy you a box of chocolates. They aren't fussed about candles but have effectively bought themselves one. You end up with chocolates, which are unlikely to be the type you want, if you like chocolate at all.

Show people you care by listening to them when they say they don't want to do adult gifts. If people actually wanted the thing they've been given, they would have bought it. If they didn't buy it, they either aren't that fussed about it or they can't afford it. If they can't afford it, how does it help them to be exchanging gifts with you in the hope they will get it? Or if you exchange links so you do get what you want, what is the point of that, that just makes buying your own stuff way more complicated than it needs to be.

@Bjorkdidit you may understandably see Christmas as a great charade but I didn’t invent Christmas and I’m not imposing it on anyone. I just think that thoughtful gifting is nice. I think that if thoughtful gifting turns into, “you buy me X and just send me a link for me to buy whatever you want” then we might as well just give up on the whole thing, stop the gifts, and buy ourselves something we want.

I think most people aren't "thoughtful gifters". And people who are thoughtful gifters aren't so all the time. Better for people just to buy their own thing (so no presents) or to be able to specify what they'd like (to avoid the risk of the giver wasting their money).

I think Secret Santa can be good if you keep the budget low and focus on lighthearted gifts.

Most people who think they are thoughtful gifters only think so because most people are too polite to be honest about whether they like the gift they've received.

I wouldn't want 99% of all 'thoughtful' gifts people suggest on here.

My family switched to Secret Santa years ago. We give and receive as couples and typical gifts include theatre tickets, spa days, meals out, hotel stays, wine/gin tasting, cooking classes, etc. We find it so much less stressful than trying to buy for a dozen different people and it works out cheaper too.

Secret Santa.

In my life, I loved only 1 present I received, blue skis with white snowflakes. I was 6. I broke one very quickly. Too ambitious turn. I am still great full I didn't break my leg.
A year before or after, I loved a remote controlled car my brother got. It was red and maybe 30cm long.
I enjoyed books.
Most of other stuff as a child or adult I don't even remember.
My brother was once very upset that he didn't get exact same book I got. He wanted his own. My parents got it for him immediately after Christmas.

I don’t really agree with gifts for kids only either. It teaches them to be selfish and egocentric and us adults have a right to be treated at Christmas too.
our family have tried various things from just buying for everyone to secret santa the last couple years. I don’t think anyone liked it and this year we are buying for everyone again but have set a spending limit (£10-£15). We aren’t a big family so I think we are all happy with that.

We do adult secret Santa but it’s joke stuff. Been doing it about 10 years and it’s all of our favourite part of Christmas - provides so many laughs. The more offensive the funnier 🤣

We went through exactly this. Secret Santa for the adults lasted two years and then quietly died, mostly because nobody could think of anything for the person they’d drawn and it all went a bit transactional, like your relative with the single item at the exact budget.
What fixed it for us was everyone keeping a running list through the year of things they’d actually like, at all sorts of prices, and sharing it with whoever asks. Not a list of demands, just “if you’re stuck, here”. Then anyone who wants to buy for an adult can, within whatever budget they like, and the people who’d rather spend it all on the children do that. Nobody feels they’re being made to buy, and nobody opens another candle.
I’d push back gently on dropping adult gifts completely. The lonely relative point above is real. My mum lives on her own and the one small thing she gets from each of us is half the point of her Christmas.
For the nieces and nephews, more money per child is a genuine upside. Ask their parents what’s on their list and you’ll avoid buying the thing they already have.

We've done secret Santa the last few years & would go back. We have a budget of £50 & we all have to write a list so we only get things we actually want

When the grandkids (ie my kids) came along we asked that presents for adults stopped and we all just bought for the kids as it was ridiculously expensive to buy for all the adults too. I still bought for my parents but not siblings/partners. It gets out of hand tbh. We were all happy with this arrangement but each family is different.

I don’t really enjoy the ‘jokey’ bit-of-fun gifts because that is often(not always) synonymous with short-term, ‘what am I actually going to do with this’, novelty that ends up in the bin. I’m not criticising people who do this but that is just my perception of it I suppose.

i think that in time I will probably get used to the children’s gifts only thing. I think there are many other ways that adults can enjoy christmas as well, eg the food, socialising etc., is more for the adults in my family.

We moved to a secret Santa family and it is much better.

I love Christmas. I love getting gifts and I love giving gifts. Apart from work situations I hate secret Santa and I deplore wish lists and to an extent strict budgets. It makes the whole thing too transactional and boring. I don’t necessarily expect you to spend the same on me as I spend on you. If we are gift giving I expect a similar level of thought put into the gift rather than monetary value.
if you aren’t buying adults gifts I wouldn’t spend more on the kids. Put the money in a savings account and spend it on you and your partner