Xmas plans with a newborn

[Junebugbug]

Hi I will have a 5/6 week old for Christmas this year. We usually stay over my parents house for Christmas because we live about an hour away and all our friends and family (incl partners) live in their village. However it is often stressful and I hate packing everything up when it was just us and I worry how it will be with a newborn. I do struggle with my dad's negativity a lot and often feel like a child again.

The problem is the one hour drive to see anyone, we do want to see friends and family over Christmas but I also don't know how I feel with driving back and forth?

But this seems better than having to pack up everything for the baby and living out of a suitcase.

My husband thinks it will be fine staying at my parents house because we are both off work and is thinking what else will we be doing.

I should mention we LOVE Christmas. We love our family traditions but I'm not sure whether it will be too much to keep driving with a newborn.

I definitely think I can't hack staying over, and I don't really think I want to host a Xmas dinner - can anyone tell me what they did in a similar situation (medium distance away from everyone) to balance loneliness and mental sanity.

Any suggestions would be welcome!

Tiny new babies shouldn’t be cooped up in a car seat for long periods so in your shoes, I’d plan to stay at home and maybe consider meeting somewhere halfway between you all, for a pub lunch either side of Christmas.

Obviously, you’ll need to get it booked asap depending on whether it’s a popular venue.

We don’t have any other family so there was never a requirement to visit people after the birth, but also I’m the only driver (DH can’t due to a medical condition) and I definitely didn’t want to drive very far for the first few weeks.

An hour is nothing. Drive there and back on xmas day, and any other days if you want to join in anything else.

Do not have people to your house.

I wouldn't make any plans yet. You've no idea how you'll feel or how your birth will go or if you can breast feed etc. Don't put yourself under the pressure of deciding until after your little one is here

I'd have gone with my 2nd but I'd have struggled with my first.

If you do go, make sure that nobody expects anything from you other than to nap when baby's asleep and occasionally wander in to grab food. Nobody should hold you to any mealtimes or routine. Make sure you have a private place where you and your partner can be with just baby and you are left alone whenever you need it.

If you want to be at home, then be at home and feel no guilt about it. It's stressful enough having a newborn without factoring in travelling/noise or meeting the expectations of others.

If they want, they can travel to you to sit for an hour or 2 with a portion of Christmas lunch for you to have at that time or the next day.

Drive there and back on the day. A young baby is easy to transport around.

Do what pleases you. An hours drive? my nearest supermarket was 45 mins away when i had 3 under 5. An hour is nothing.

I didn't do it with a newborn but I did Christmas at home when 37 weeks pregnant with my first.

Everyone came to us and PILs cooked Christmas dinner in our kitchen. If you want to stay at home, do. Don't feel you have to 'host' just because it's your house - family should be capable of making themselves useful.

I’d plan on going and staying. Babies are really portable and you can get some real rest with everyone taking over the baby. I’d be bored starting home and tbh driving several times would be more hard work than staying. BUT I’d also make it clear that plans might change if you aren’t feeling up to it.

This is the perfect opportunity to make your own family traditions and shift the priorities to your own child and their needs. I had the same kind of relationship with my dad as you describe, and it didn't improve when I became a mum myself so I shifted to spending less time with him (particularly as a slightly fragile postpartum first time mum). I'd suggest you go for the day so you can get away if it's too much, or possibly go overnight from Boxing Day when it's slightly less fraught and you want to catch up with friends.

I'd go and enjoy your usual family Christmas. Newborns are easier to transport and more 'contained' than older children's, so it might be harder in subsequent Christmases. Also it means you get to go and see your friends, and again that's easier to do with a newborn.

We'd stayed away within a month both times, and it was absolutely fine. I had planned sections and recovered very quickly.

If you have a difficult birth or are struggling with recovery or emotions post natally, then change the plan last minute. But don't presume you'll be sat in PJ's feeling dreadful, because you may feel amazing. Personally, post natal was the best time of my life, and I went out and did all the things that I couldn't do in pregnancy as I was ill.

Driving back and forth rounds like a faff.

You have the perfect excuse to do whatever it is you want to do & that's how it should be.

I actually went on holiday with my (now ex) husband, parents, 2 dogs & 3 cats when my baby was 6 weeks old. It was to a holiday cottage 3 hours away, so literally had to take everything. It was fine & quite nice to have the additional help. I had an afternoon nap every day 😂

I think having a new born baby abd family living a bit a way it is tineto start ew traditions.
I live an hour away from my parents and fir the first Christmas after ds was born we carried on doing that we always did which was to drive down to parents, visit my nan and grandad, see other relatives etc. It got too much
The following year we had a re think, we went down a few days before had a more chilled day and the year after that and every year since for the last 28 stayed at home and invited people to ours for boxing day.
It is much more relaxed now.

I'd do Christmas at yours, inviting anyone who wants to come-no arguments about favouritism, or making anyone feel excluded. Then you won't have to travel, and can run everything round your newborn's schedule. You can ask guests to do jobs, whether that's helping with cooking, watching your baby while you cook-exactly whatever you want.
It would be unfair to go to one set of parents and would mean you'd have to fit in with your hosts.

Our first was 4 weeks old on Xmas day, so we decided I’d just drive the hour back home. Got to see all the family, had a lovely but tiring day, and slept in my own bed. Do that!

Don't do it to yourself. 5/6 weeks is peak sleep deprivation before they start to get into a routine. Stay at home and enjoy sobbing around in your PJs with your newborn. Please trust us on this!

One hour drive for a couple of meetups and/or get people to drive to a pub near you is the way to go this year.

If this is your first, you wont know how recovery is going to go so dont commit until theyre here. Also, are you planning on breastfeeding? Will you be comfortable doing it in the same room as your parents or will you be in a seperate room having a break from everyone.

I'd add my vote to people saying keep plans loose and decide when baby has arrived. My newborn was not super chilled and sleepy. At that age, he didn't regularly go an hour between wanting to breastfeed, and had a habit of screaming hysterically at that age in the car if the car stopped moving (which in heavy traffic or in urban areas was pretty stressful).

Having a newborn is a very good reason to demand some flexibility in plans from your family.

See how you feel. DS was born on 22nd Dec and we ended up just having a quiet Xmas at home. We saw in-laws before (they looked after DS1 while I was in hospital) and then I think my dad visited just after. It’s a few years ago!

You need to wait and see how you feel. But personally I would say drive there, enjoy the day and then drive back when you feel like you've had enough. Baby will probably sleep most of it anyway or definitely for the car journey at that age

An hour will be fine each way in a day unless your baby is a particularly bad traveller. Don’t promise an exact arrival time and make sure you make plans with the caveat ‘all being well with me and baby’ and if you’re not up to it don’t feel guilty about staying home.

We spent the baby’s first Christmas with inlaws. We forgot the presents and the baby bouncer for her to lie down in. We argued a lot and his family seemed to judge us. It wasn’t nice at all. I refused to go there for Christmas and stayed at home. It was wonderful! We visited everyone Christmas Eve and dropped off presents! Have since dropped the Christmas Eve thing now they are teenagers! Love having Christmas at home!

@Junebugbug

My DS1 was 6wks for his first Xmas. But DS1 was the 9th grandchild so everyone in the family was experienced with babies and staying over at Xmas. They knew 'the ropes' and were very helpful and respectful of me as a new 'PFB' mum. It was actually pretty wonderful. We were all cosseted and cared for.

We stayed at my parents' but they had all the baby paraphernalia already so we didn't have to tote much for the baby, so other than our clothing and a nappy bag for the drive so there wasn't much to pack. We bought nappies after we got there.

We did no 'visiting about'. If someone wanted to see us they could come visit which mum was fine with. I'm on the West Coast (US) so even in the winter we could sit outside if we wanted to and enjoy the visit. And there is no Boxing Day.

I wouldn't want to make a 2 hour round trip with a tiny baby on the same day with a big celebration in the middle. Maybe a compromise would be to drive there Xmas morning and 'do Xmas' with the family, stay overnight, the next day have a quiet morning and leave before any Boxing Day celebrations.

Will also have a 4-6 week old. Going to use the opportunity to stay at home and eat Chinese. People can visit us if they like, but I'm not going anywhere.

Our parents do all live much further away though, and I was still very much recovering at four weeks after my first birth.

As they’re only an hour away there’s no need to sleep over.

Tell them you don’t have exact plans because you don’t know how you will be feeling, but all being well you will come for Christmas lunch, all the traditional stuff, then retreat to your house afterwards.

If they kick up a fuss you just say “that’s what works for us. That’s what we’re doing “

Stay at home. Honestly! It's a nice intent but germs - unvaccinated baby - overstimulation for all 3 of you puts so much stress on all of you. Plus you have so many unknown variables of how your delivery will go and how wee one and yourself will be postnatal. We were meant to have a "muck in" together Christmas with both sets of grandparents and only one set got the memo. We had a 6 week old too and it they were the easiest out of the adults. My partner n I were so tired by the end of it we could've cried. It wasn't an awful experience but one we could've gone without with hindsight. We were looking after ourselves n 4 other adults was the reality.

Order some easy chuck in the oven Xmas food, snacks, drinks n pud that stretches you Xmas eve through boxing day and bubble over the festive period. If you're wanting to see family a nice chilled pram walk halfway between you all? Maybe they can bring something tasty to you n open presents then go? It's not about saying no, it's about managing expectations and giving yourself a grace period. I'd strongly urge you n your partner put yourselves first BC postnatal is tough!!! And actually you're very thoughtful thinking like this but your family should also be thinking of you. Good luck