Irritated by parents already😩

[Bellyblueboy]

I am an awful person. My parents are staying for Christmas - only arrived today - and I am already irritated.

The constant passive aggressive questions - the long, boring stories about people I don’t know - the complete lack of interest in my life

All my Electrical appliances have been unplugged so the remote controls no longer work. I will have to crawl under the Christmas trees now to turn them back on (don’t know how my dad managed to get under there, he is 80!).

the TV is up so loud I can’t think. They brought the contents of their fridge with them - I had to put most of it in the bin!

my mum keeps asking me are we having (fill in some obscure food item she never mentioned before) then looking disappointed when I say I didn’t know she wanted it. I went to Tesco to try and find Turkish delight with no chocolate because apparently it just isn’t Christmas without it.

i am already so irritated I could scream. They are elderly. They can’t help it. But in fairness they have always been a bit annoying, they have just lost their filter.

I am trying to find it funny. But failing. Every time I move my dad asks me what I am doing. Where I am going. Aggghhhh

If you think this post has crossed the line, I have no idea how you cope on MN!

Would it be better if there was a small readership ;-) ?

Ridiculous post!

You have just described my adult DCs! I’m having a year off from them this Christmas. Their choice to do other things this year.

Instead I’m enjoying having very good house guests who love everything I’ve done (so far), tidy up after themselves, bring goodies (possibly too much, but still very welcome) plus don’t seem to have a set timetable for food and activities and are just going with the flow. I’m the least stressed at Christmas than I have been for years! (Also possibly because my elderly Dad died a few weeks ago and I know I’m not going to get any middle of the night calls for an ambulance, endure a load of physical or verbal abuse or have to come and deal with a household crisis he caused).

Merry Xmas OP - hope you find some peace after they’ve gone home. 🎄😎

I hate the virtue signallers going on about 'you will miss them one day'. First of all it is basically saying op is not allowed to have her current feelings or that people can't have lots of complex feelings or that having negative feelings is morally wrong (it isn't). Second of all it naively assumes that all parents are basically benign and denies the life long impact on those who have abusive parents. And third of all, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without inter generational grumbling and bad feeling. So I say to virtue signallers and toxic positive people everywhere, fuck off!!!!

Oh wow. Please stop feeling guilty, I could have written some of what you've written and my mother is 94 and in good health (afaik) and i haven't seen her on ANY day, never mind Christmas Day, in ANY home never mind in my own home, for over 10 years.

You're hosting your parents for a WEEK?! You're a flipping hero. I am in awe of your ability to do that.

I do hope they live to tell the tale, but I won't be blaming you if they don't 🤣

What a sad upbringing. Your parents ignored your eating issues and made you feel like a disappointment. It sounds like you have forgiven your parents a lot. You are kind to host them.

I had cold emotionally neglectful parents. I do everything for them now out of a sense of duty l. However I reserve the right to be as irritated as hell by them.

Yes, i think Christmas can be a pressure cooker environment when you have family staying.
Also, I am a capable strong organised woman - however, family still see you as a 15 year old....and treat you the same!

My gorgeous lovely mum will be staying but despite being mid 70s - shes like a toddler with ADHD. She cant sit down, follows me around the house like a spaniel. Or just starts cleaning out cupboards in the middle of the xmas chaos.

I've had to learn how to carefully manage her. I give her jobs to get on with, then take her for a really long, fast walk to tire her out to the point of exhaustion. Otherwise she wouldnt be able sit down of an evening.

Oh dear, we have the same DM! Mine can't help herself but clean and do jobs. I wouldn't mind her helping with the animals, she will walk the dogs but sadly I can't send her out with DS2 to see to the goats, hens and ducks, as she doesn't like them! DGM was the same, couldn't sit still, always had to be finding something to straighten, polish or perfect.

We can love them but be driven up the wall by them at the same time, aye!

I completely empathise!
My parents generally come to stay for a few days over Christmas and drive me mad before they've even arrived!
They're so stuck in their ways that anything not done they exact way they do it, is met with disbelief that we could possibly consider doing it differently.
They have the news on 24/7, as soon as someone leaves the room to get a drink/go to the toilet etc they switch the TV to the news.
They want the children to engage with them but have no interest in what they're being told & talk over them/cut them off. And then wonder why the Grandchildren can't be bothered interacting.
PA comments about things around the house. Why haven't we had this done, why haven't we fixed that? Because it all costs money we don't have!!!!
Questions like "are you going on holiday this year?". We reply no and explain we can't afford it. They then tell us about the 4 holidays that they have planned and how they're considering putting in a electric vehicle charging station at home (they don't have an electric vehicle and never will) because there's a deal being offered by their council and what else are they going to spend £7000 on. Erm....Read the room!!

In summary, you're not alone and you're allowed to feel irritated.
Also, like you there are underlying issues too which exacerbate it even more!

I have had a lot of counseling. They are who they are - and could be very loving. They wouldn’t recognize my description of them and I understand a lot of it was their issues and their upbringing. My dad has to be smartest - but unfortunately that means he talks to me like I am a bit stupid.

my mum is very focused on appearance and male attention - i was a chubby unattractive child and she is embarrassed by that.

The good thing is hardest- my counselor says they are the most stubborn people she has come across - I walk out of a room everyone my mum mentions weight or describes a woman by her her weight (she’s a big fat lady, but actually quite nice).

I regret getting counseling beciase I see see it all now.

but they can be good company. it’s all very draining and difficult😊. And I know I should be kinder

OP, @Bellyblueboy are you Julia in the Motherland Christmas special?

Yep my Dad is 89. Repeats the same stories over and over again. Dozes on and off. Tells me he hasn’t the appetite he used to, then eats more than anyone. Arrives empty handed and takes his seat straight away. I love him, but boy, he can suck the life out of the day if you let him.

@Bellyblueboy great thread and one that is repeated many times on the Elderly Parents thread. I completely get your posts. Sadly a perfect storm happens. As our parents age we also age and in my case I ran out of patience with their lifelong ‘silly’ behaviour around 10 years ago. I realised how we had tolerated rudeness as ‘quirkiness’ - no they have always been rude.

If you head over to Elderly parents thread you will be guaranteed a warm welcome - yes the odd sanctimonious poster who has rewritten their parents backstory through heavily rose tinted glasses but generally it is a safe and supportive place to vent. My own Dad used to irritate the heck out of me by dead heading plants in my garden that were not dead. My mother used to very obviously run her finger over every surface in my house checking for dust and when I asked what she was doing would lie that she was ‘feeling the quality of the wood’……usually on an IKEA unit🙄

Complete solidarity with you. People do age and will have foibles but they probably always had them. If it helps my Dad is in a nursing facility and tells me every time I vivi what a disappointment I am. People tell me he ‘doesn’t know what he is saying’, but he does because he and my mother have told me all my life how disappointing I am. Great thread as it means venting is ok and it may prevent a disagreement in reality.

This will be me in a few hours - but instead of everything being unplugged I'll find my DM opening letters and having a good read of everything and asking pointed questions about how long the heating is on for - anything longer than 30 mins a day is profligacy. If you can't see your breath then you've over heated your house. She'll also talk endlessly about the grandchildren of her friends in extraordinary detail - no bit of information is left unsaid - remarkable as she's deaf as a post & misses 90% of what's said. She would've been an outstanding spy tbf - ideally somewhere cold though & with no central heating. Merry Christmas everyone. Godspeed.

We buried my mother yesterday so right now Id rather have her back and be irritated.

Break the day into chunks.. take them out for walks.. get your Dad doing something helpful and have a drink!

Enjoy your parents! x

For many years, every single year I used to have my parents for Christmas and Easter because none of my siblings wanted to know them. Every year. For years. My sympathy, OP. I did it out of pity and guilt.

You're already kind. I don't agree we have to love our parents, we didn't pick them.

We used to do bingo with my Mum’s comments:

Who has died
Who is terminally ill
Who is in hospital
Random comments about people I don’t know.
Racist comment about doctor at the hospital “She was Eastern European so I made out I didn’t understand what she was saying.”
Nigel Farage would sort this country out.
”You could die of thirst/hunger around here.”

My Mum died a few years ago. I felt that when she came to us for Christmas she was getting payback for having raised me. She wouldn’t do anything - not make a cup of tea, not play a game with the DC. Her siblings always described her as “difficult” and her sister said her catchphrase was “I’ll give you a hand with that in a minute” and never did.

Oh op you've overcome such a lot, to have an eating disorder and unsupportive parents must've been so very hard .

It is absolutely fine and completely normal to admit whilst you love them dearly they are also very challenging company. Power through and good luck with cooking for 10 on Christmas day!

I think she means be glad that both your parents are live. I wish mine were but do understand they can be irritable.

I can’t believe the pile on here. It’s NOT a horrible thread! I loved my parents dearly - they are both now dead. This is my 2nd Christmas without my mum and that’s hard. But they both had little things that sent me ( and my siblings) over the edge with irritation! We remember and laugh about it fondly now. The Ops dad crawling under the tree to get to plugs is exactly something my dad would do as is her mother’s questions “ are we having…” referencing something I’d never even seen her eating.
It’s meant in a light hearted way not nasty. We all have irritating habits and they’re all going to get worse as we get older!!

my mum mentions weight or describes a woman by her her weight (she’s a big fat lady, but actually quite nice).

I relate to so much of your post, especially this part! They are both lovely in many ways but I am always conscious of how much I eat in front of them because of this, which is not ideal at Christmas.

Well it could be another ten years to be fair. Op you arent a bad person, they sound really rude guests. It’s not their house , why are they unplugging stuff. Plug back in and if you catch him doing it again ask what he thinks he is doing.

You are not an awful person. You are allowed to be irritated by your parents from time to time. You are allowed a moan about them when it gets too much. I get it.....if my DM comes to my house again and moans it's cold I might book her a hotel and not let her stay again. It's not cold, its just her perception as she sits and does nothing while she is here. And at home they have no running children around so don't get why you wouldn't want the heating on 25 degrees all day long.

I'm 100% looking forward to a Christmas with just my DH and DCs this year for the first time in years! It doesn't mean I don't like my family or my in laws, just want some time just us. And not have to be irritated by my DM all christmas about the temperature !!

Guilt, wanting to do the right thing?

🤣🤣🤣 oh I love this. Have a happy Christmas with your mum wizened satsumas and all x

And you too @Bellyblueboy - solidarity! I have decided to play a drinking game with myself where I drink every time my dad mentions his weak bladder.