Holiday hell

[Foggymorning01]

So, my DH and two of our DC (aged 4 and 2) are visiting my MIL for Christmas. We currently live abroad so decided to come for a longer period - 16 days in total, to allow time for the MIL to bond properly with the grandkids, for my husband to see his friends, etc. It all looked lovely in my head and we generally have a great relationship and she’s been nothing than loving and welcoming all along.

BUT we’ve been here for 6 days now and I can feel this is turning into a bit of holiday from hell tbh!! The 2 year old is afraid of the dog, literally screams every time the dog enters the room, won’t eat her food if dog is in the kitchen, etc. MIL is distressed about it and keeps saying things like: you’ve upset the doggy with your screaming, I had to put the doggy in the other room, so basically guilt tripping a toddler. She’s also said multiple
times already that my child is doing it for attention, which annoys the hell out of me because she’s two ffs and genuinely petrified.

Tonight my husband was out with a friend and I had to do two bedtimes by myself after spending the whole day with kids. I went to put the younger one to bed first and MIL was playing with my other kid downstairs and they were just SO LOUD, like running around and laughing and talking so loudly. I finally came downstairs and said something like: oh, you were quite loud - and now I feel terrible about it cuz I think MIL got upset.

Not sure if I’m being terrible as she’s hosting us in her home, feeding us etc, but omg I don’t know how to make it until the end of the trip, I feel like I’m going to explode soon. Also the house is freezing and honestly I don’t know how we’re so foolish to think coming for 2 weeks was a great idea!

I was thinking the same. We have many a happy holiday, abroad, staying with my parents for either six weeks or three in other school holidays.

A really chance to be together as a family, when day to day visits can't happen.

Very few issues, takes organisation, compromise and good communication.

Very, fond memories.

I would agree with this. OP it isn’t usual for a two yo to “scream” at a dog etc unless picking up on your nerves towards it? Enormous dog? As a dog owner I keep my dog separate from guests if they aren’t doggy people but I’d be cross at a child screaming at any animal tbh so it sounds like your MIL is trying to convey that, not “guilt tripping” your child. It is super hard to stay in someone’s house so next time rent an Airbnb very close by.

How are things op?

Quite beyond me why any sensible adult could expect a scared 2 yr old to deal with a dog she is frightened of. In fact from 2 years old to 100 - if a person is uncomfortable, you just get the dog out of sight unless you enjoying terrifying someone. If she can't this poor child will be frightened of digs for life- can't she understand this? Just for clues, is this a Belgian sheep dog or a chihuahua?

Actually, I think just putting the dog out of sight here is counterproductive-it’s an ideal time to ensure the child doesn’t grow up with a fear of dogs

Pretty much all the anxiety research points to the conclusion that when someone has a phobia of something the least helpful thing you can do is make them endure it and “see, it was fine!”. To the phobic person, it was not fine - it was horrific and you made them endure it. Now they don’t trust you AND they are scared of the thing AND you have reinforced that the thing they are scared of is horrible. Gentle, person centred exposure within a window of tolerance is the most effective way to address fears like these which might start with just talking positively about the dog

This. You decided to go for 16 days, now you’re complaining? Sorry but that’s out of order.

16 days is way too long to park yourselves on anyone.

I know the weather is foul but if it is possible to get out of the house for a few hours that might ease things a bit. Maybe go to a big shopping centre if there is one near you, or some sort of play facility. Or just a short walk round the block, to get a bit of fresh air. I expect it could be quite challenging for your mil too - having young children around and a child constantly screaming about the dog. Have you made a point of putting the dog constantly in front of your daughter so as to demonstrate that the dog is friendly?

I think 16 days is quite a long time to stay with anybody if you are not used to constantly having people in and out or staying with you regularly. However, I think you just have to bite the bullet and make the best of it. I had my husband's relatives - 2 to 4 of them at times - for 3 months, so count your blessings! I expect this visit is very important to your mil, so it would be a shame if she feels tired and upset when you leave - and you will feel sad too.