Holiday hell

[Foggymorning01]

So, my DH and two of our DC (aged 4 and 2) are visiting my MIL for Christmas. We currently live abroad so decided to come for a longer period - 16 days in total, to allow time for the MIL to bond properly with the grandkids, for my husband to see his friends, etc. It all looked lovely in my head and we generally have a great relationship and she’s been nothing than loving and welcoming all along.

BUT we’ve been here for 6 days now and I can feel this is turning into a bit of holiday from hell tbh!! The 2 year old is afraid of the dog, literally screams every time the dog enters the room, won’t eat her food if dog is in the kitchen, etc. MIL is distressed about it and keeps saying things like: you’ve upset the doggy with your screaming, I had to put the doggy in the other room, so basically guilt tripping a toddler. She’s also said multiple
times already that my child is doing it for attention, which annoys the hell out of me because she’s two ffs and genuinely petrified.

Tonight my husband was out with a friend and I had to do two bedtimes by myself after spending the whole day with kids. I went to put the younger one to bed first and MIL was playing with my other kid downstairs and they were just SO LOUD, like running around and laughing and talking so loudly. I finally came downstairs and said something like: oh, you were quite loud - and now I feel terrible about it cuz I think MIL got upset.

Not sure if I’m being terrible as she’s hosting us in her home, feeding us etc, but omg I don’t know how to make it until the end of the trip, I feel like I’m going to explode soon. Also the house is freezing and honestly I don’t know how we’re so foolish to think coming for 2 weeks was a great idea!

I feel sorry for you mil. Toddler screaming like a banshee and no personal space for 16 days. Get an air bnb

The only thing that I can see that she's done wrong, is not take your 2 year old's fear seriously.

The playing loudly was only a one-off issue. You didn't need to comment. You could have waited until you need to put one to bed before the other again, and just said to both (aiming it more at your daughter) "play nice and quietly so that i can get little sister to sleep"

I agree with the earlier pp who suggests making an effort to be nice and to comment on how nice it is to watch their relationship. MIL must be finding it tough.

If you go off for a couple of days, word it with some empathy and mention that it might be nice for her and the dog to have a bit of peace.

Why didn’t you take both children up to bed together as I presume you would at home?
If money allows book accommodation next time you visit so you have your own space.

Try giving your Bb a treat to feed the dog. It would be great if they could become friends. Mil cares as much about her dog as you do about your two year old.

16 days is a very long time in someone else's home, even without the dog and toddler issue. Could you book other accommodation?

It sounds super stressful - my sympathies! The MIL/people who say your toddler is attention seeking my screaming when they see the dog are being ridiculous - as you say - they are a toddler, its super clear when they are genuinely scared. For the rest, I think its just the normal issues of being in a house together - try and get out and about on day trips as much as possible to relive the pressure on everyone I think and definitely suggest that when DH is meeting friends he takes one of the kids with him where possible.

WTF. I like dogs a lot but I find it problematic when people claim loving a dog is the same as loving a child.

It is definitely possible to love dogs the same or more than humans, even human children. Dogs offer unconditional love, non-judgmental companionship, and deep emotional attunement that many people find purer and more reliable than human relationships. MIL pressumably spends every day with the dog and they probably have a very strong bond that she is protective of.

But nonetheless, I wouldn't be happy having anyone screaming at my dog in its/my home for 16 days. It doesn't sound like anyone else has a problem with the dog, including their other child, so I don't think the dog is doing anything other than existing. It will be very unnerving for a dog who normally lives a nice quiet life to suddenly live in chaos so I can see why this situation will be very stressful for MIL. They should either try and find a solution so the dog and child can coexist peacefully or they will have to leave.

@Snoken Do you have human children? It's not the same.

I do have both children and dogs but I am talking in a general sense. For some a dog is just a dog. For others a dog is the being that they share their life with, the one that is always there, always exstatic to see them, the one that gets them out of the house, the one that gives them cuddles, the one that makes them laugh, the one who comforts them when they are sad or calms them when they are anxious.

Not everyone has that kind of relationship with their dog of course, and some think they are inferior to humans, but some do. Since MIL lives alone with her dog, that dog is probably pretty bloody important to her and her well-being so having someone scream at it as soon as it shows its face is probably really hurtful and stressful. You shouldn't always put a human before an animal, especially when the dog hasn't even done anything wrong, especially when you have chosen that dog to be a part of your family.

Who says they will have to leave?

This! And do it before there's any permanent damage to your relationship with MIL

The modern ones don´t have water and you can heat them up in the microwave. They look like hot water bottles. Great little things.

They should since everyone is miserable and tense and staying much longer with things the way they are will probably do more damage than good for their relationship. For MILs sake I think they should take a breather somewhere else for a few days and then come back for Christmas.

Can your DH not be a bit more proactive in interacting with his mother? If “please don’t tell her off for being frightened, it’s unfair and won’t help” needs saying, it might come better from him. And make sure you are getting out for breaks as well - if he gets an evening out, then so do you. I’d go out for dinner and the cinema on my own.

Also when I was dealing with a tricky MIL, I used to deliberately find moments to compliment her, thank her for something she did with the kids - as a counterbalance to the times I knew I’d need to challenge her. And definitely get some hot water bottles and warm socks!

That's a very long time to a) be a guest in someone else's house and b) to host four people. Old people and their pets are a PITA too. My DM still tells us off for 'frightening the cat'. We're not frightening people, we don't make a lot of noise, our teens are pretty much comatose and they're certainly not yelling and screaming and running around, but the cat is terrified of everyone and my DM has no filter, ergo, it's all our fault 🙄It drives me round the bend and I keep visits to a maximum of 48 hours to save my sanity!!

As for this visit OP, you live and learn, so I would just chalk this one up to experience and never stay with the ILs for so long again. When we lived OS we used to come over for two weeks, but we'd visit for a few days, then go somewhere else for a bit and return for a couple of nights at the end. Being a houseguest is exhausting, but so is hosting. Can you take the kids out for a bit and just have a break from MIL and the dog?

It’s not a hot water bottle then is it? More of a hot bean bottle 😊

He might want to see his mates, but surely he shouldn't be dumping you with the children and his mother every evening... WTF?!

Some peoples houses are cold - mine is pretty much from October to April unless it's a mild day. Some houses are hard to heat.

Why should a dog have to be put out of the way - it's his home

None of this has been thought through - that's clear but as the OP and her husband are being accommodated and fed by the Mil - maybe they could give her a token gesture in payment -, some people worry about fuel bills - there could be a number of reasons why the house is cold

The dog can't be put away for 16 days! It's not a toy, it's a living creature who is doing nothing wrong. It's OP (and possibly her DH) who are being ungrateful. They are staying for free and being fed and looked after for over 2 weeks, but are just complaining about the house, the host and her dog.

I was terrified of large dogs when I was a lot older than the OPs child. I lived next door to an Alsatian and he was pretty terrifying to me. I was also bitten by a dog when I was in my 20s. Dog just ran up to me in the street and bit me. I also had a friend in my teens who had a doberman and I went to her house and she said you need to clap (pet) him or he'll bite you

I don't dislike dogs at all. I've never had one - but I sponsor rescue dogs and give money to dog charities as well - sometimes you can't help being scared - certainly when you are two

But surely the OP and her husband knew this might be a possibility. Unless the toddler has never seen a dog before.

It's the same with cats. I have pet cats and I had a friend in her 20s who refused to come to my house incase my then cats bit her - they wouldn't have, she had a fear of all cats. I have one cat now who does bite - he's almost 20 - he was abused in his last home. He's bitten me maybe ten times in 19 years - he can't cope with sudden hand movements.

The OP isn't to blame. The Mil isn't to blame - obviously hindsight is a great thing. It is unfair if the OP is being left at night to deal with everything while her husband is out with his pals. It's certainly not the toddlers fault either

The Mil is saving them a fortune - particularly at this time of year. The problem is the length of the stay - I do think they should book somewhere else for a couple of days to give everyone a breather

Your poor MiL and dog. Have some sympathy for the dog whose world has been turned upside down. And be grateful for she was riotously entertaining the spare child. You're too set in your ways!

Do none of you mumsnetters get on with your families fgs..I host my family when they come for holidays and lovd having them home,we all squash in and its chaos but to get that time with my family is lovely..we have been doing it for 30 years since I moved to uk and now I've moved back to Ireland they come here..whinging about 16 days so DH can catch up with friends and family is ridiculous..next time stay home so he can come on his own and enjoy himself

take her out
sounds as if you have been stuck inside
go somewhere nice - nat trust place and pay for meal
pamper her a bit as u will likely regret when you return.

then don't stay so long in future!