Why won't husband DO anything??

[PistachioTiramisu]

OK - it's now 10 days until Christmas. I have most things sorted, such as decorations, food, presents, etc. Since mid-November I have been prompting DH to find out from his (adult) children what they and the grandchildren would like for their Christmas presents. He had done absolutely nothing at all in this respect, or anything else towards preparations for that matter! I have reminded him and reminded him to do something, but he just won't. I don't want them to be disappointed on Christmas Day, but on the other hand I don't see why I should sort out stuff for HIS children. What would you do?

This must be terribly stressful for you, because you like to have everything sorted well in advance but, you're going to have to let him take care of it this year and perhaps he won't mind running around last minute when the shops are busy and the shelves are empty, you would be surprised how many men seem to enjoy shopping this way.
I work in retail, and December 23rd was always the busiest day at the grocery store which usually was women doing a frantic last minute shop, and December 23rd was always the busiest day at the retail store, with men doing a last minute shop.

I can understand buying the groceries last minute because you want everything to be fresh and all those vegetables and meat and everything else takes up a lot of room in your fridge so you don't want to buy too far in advance...
But the buying of all the presents and decorations and everything else, 36 hours before christmas, that never made sense to me. It seemed like a really good way to not find what you were looking for, and have to spend more time in line but, he was almost all men shoppers doing this and they didn't seem to be too bothered by it.

If you really feel you need to, then contact the family and just remind them that they need to talk to your husband because he's decided to do their shopping this year (well, that's a bit of a stretch, it's more that you've decided that you're not doing it but, same thing...) so if they don't get presents or if the presents are extremely unthoughtful, they'll know who was responsible.
And if you have a feeling that you really know what they would like and you see something that's just lovely for them, you could consider getting it, keeping it separate, waiting until your husband more than likely drops the ball on getting them a good present, and then later, quietly, in the hallway or the spare bedroom or something, give them the other present and just say, I wanted to get you something that I thought you'd enjoy...

Or not. It's up to you.

This is the point where you have a choice: bail him out or leave him to it.

I’m sure you can work out the consequences of each, do be sure to factor in those consequences to your choice.

Have you actually told him plainly "I will not be sorting presents for your DC or their families this year - you'll need to handle communication with [adult DC], shopping and wrapping that you want done"? If so then leave him to it completely. He can always purchase vouchers if he can't be arsed to do anything else.

If you're struggling with how the consequences could affect others (that's fair) then you could always buy for the grandchildren but not adults. Again, communicate with him plainly about what you will and won't be doing.

For the future... I do think sometimes when women first start trying to "do less" they mistakenly try to accomplish that by coercing their partners to do more, choosing to hand off tasks they think their partner will have to pick up. This usually just leads to more frustration and this sort of situation where you're not actually ok with the task not happening. Next year, focus on offloading tasks from your own plate based on how important/worthwhile they are to you. That may mean you'll be just as happy with less homemade food or much simpler decor and more down time, or fewer presents for adults, or gift bags instead of wrapping paper, etc. Reframe this all as you choosing to do less, not you trying to find ways to make him do more, and then see how you feel about the relationship from there.

How does this start? Not once in 25 years have I bought a gift or card on DH’s behalf. I done actually have most of their addresses and I don’t know when their birthdays or anniversaries are unless he tells me (and that would be because they are having a party or some such).

I just don’t understand why so many women take it on.

Get rid of the lazy dh in the New Year. Especially if he hasn't bothered to get you a gift either.

Are you hosting his kids and grandkids? I'd be tempted to take everything back or lock it in the shed and take myself off somewhere else for the day.

Yeah you're being a mug and a wifey martyr. I think you must like it. And you must enjoy nagging your husband because I can't think of any other reason why you would do this. Leave him to be a shit Father if he wants, why is it your job? Or maybe he will pull his finger out and get them something as he is a grown man and not a stupid child.

I stopped buying for DPs family a few years ago. They don't get anything anymore but it's not my circus, not my monkeys.

I bet anything he thinks that you'll sort it regardless what you've said.
And he'll pretend he doesnt remember any conversations about it

I'd email the fucker telling him im not doing it and if there are disappointed children on Christmas day you won't be pretending its anything other than his fault.

This. I’m intrigued to know how this behaviour actually starts, of taking on the responsibility of card and gifts for the partner’s family. Presumably they managed fine before the partner came along.

Leave it.

He's not interested so why should you be?!

Just more landfill really.

You could send them a link to Greenpeace or Friends of the Earth International. Might wake them up - hopefully.

You’ve asked and asked. He’s done nothing. Not your problem now. If his DC and GC are disappointed that’s on him.

Let HIM sort out the presents for his own adult kids.
He's big enough and old enough to do this surely, you have enough to do.

This.
Or you most definitely will become Chief Christmas Fixer because that is how it happened to me.
Once you go down that rabbit hole…

I'd do nothing.

Let them be disappointed. Make sure they know who dropped the ball.

Does he get you a present OP? Did he ever?

I do a list from which he can choose, but I never get even a small surprise present, which would mean so much more!

He’s probably just tired😂

What will happen is a last minute attempt to get presents, along with being a bit tetchy about it, and being unable to assist with any last minute jobs and errands as he’ll be doing his own last minute errands.

Yes @PrizedPickledPopcorn is right. It will be a last minute panic and he will try to hook you into it

This!

I had to remind my DH of 15 years that although we’re not doing presents for each other (got a joint trip booked) he needs to do a stocking for me.

He looked baffled, I asked well is Santa doing mine then because I do yours & the kids…
One step at a time, next is to gently suggest I won’t appreciate over priced tat from the garden centre’s Christmas Eve offerings.

OP I would get in touch directly with his DC to suggest they let him know what the DGC would like and that he’s doing that side from now on, so they also realise you aren’t sorting their presents either. A wee token from you would be nice though.

Keep messaging him 'Have they got back to you yet?'

Drive him mad so he sends messages.

Probably due to his mum running round after him, then girls friends and then you taking over doing stuff like this with more societal expectations for him to kick back. Combined with not feeling the consequences of his actions. I buy and wrap stuff my families stuff, my husband buys and wraps for his families stuff. I work just as much as him (often more!) and l can’t be arsed chasing round after another adult

Yeah just leave it. I gave up with sorting all of DHs family gifts and told him he had to deal with it. I have reminded him a few times now to get his mum something. He says he will. Of course he said he would on mother's day and didn't. She kicked off at me but I simply told her that it was his job and that I did remind him. TBF she she doesn't deserve much anyway but that's a different story.

Just tell him that he is responsible for presents for his side of the family. You can also let them know that he is handling it. Cross it off your mental list.

You are not responsible for making him look good. That's on him.